Like the picture of you with mayor in the hotel room that was splashed all over the front pages?
I'm sick of winter.
Why should it bother a lazy slob like you...you haven't left that flea bag motel in 5 years.
I am experiencing gastric pains.
After eating an entire large size pepperoni and sausage pizza with extra cheese, onions, and peppers, and washing it down with a 6 pack of beer, are you really surprised you have gastic pains? Of course, if you loosened your belt a little it might help, it's really digging into your lard right now.
I'm going to watch the new show, "The Book of Daniel" tonight.
Translation: I'm so boring that nobody wants to take me out on a friday night
I'm getting a new cell phone
Um...Ralph you live in the desert where there's no cell phone service. But it will look snazzy in your pocket!
I made $500 today.
on your little handmade forge, how sweet
my old schoolfriend is making me breakfast
Sweet of her to have brought you some goodies from the dumpster.
I need to have some air put in my tires.
Why? They're dry rotted and don't hold air anyway.
I proggressed up to mountain dew code red
You'll have something to tell your grandchildren about!
I need a haircut.
And that's only your nose hairs!
My boss got me a new flashlight
Yes, he was convinced that it might help since you seem to always be in the dark.
I can't decide what to snack on for tomorrows big game.
A stack of pancakes, bacon, cheesburgers, oreos, mac n cheese, potatoes, junior mints, prime rib, ho hos, crackers, pork rinds, flan, hot dogs, peanut butter and jelly, pudding, Doritos, icecream, nachos, pizza and breath mints....You know, your usual.
I had to go back to work today.
It's called community service and is part of your sentence for trying to sell your withered body for sex...but to your own brother, not only sick but stupid since you know he is a vice cop.
I am considering an upgrade on my cellphone, since this one is over 3 years old.
your reading it wrong. The phone isn't 3 years old, its FOR 3year olds. Which means you still have another 2 years with it.
I hate citrus flavored gum
Maybe if you took the foil wrapper off first it wouldn't be so bad.
Time for a bathroom visit.
Take the puddy knife so you can scrape you butt off the out house seat.
I had pizza for "breakfast"
And for lunch and dinner no doubt. Always too lazy to cook - just get a junk food delivery every morning.
I love my new desk lamp.
Im sure it looks great on that rock in the park.
I have to put some clothes on.
If only you could find some that fit!
Just got back from a rocking party.
I didn't know prisoners still had to break up rocks but you deserve everything you get you swine.
A bit of breakfast now, beans on toast I think.
