Will he come back to me

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My boyfriend proposed to me 1 year into our relationship(we are both 26), he did so while we were away in paris. He spoke to my sister about proposing 6 months before he did. He asked for my dads permission and took my sister and best friend ring shopping. This is my first proper relationship and he's had one before me. He was with her for a year but she wasn't nice to him, she put him down a lot and was just cruel to him, his parents didn't like her. ,e and my boyfriend met each others family and friends and went on double dates etc. his family love me, they always told him not to mess it up and mine liked him, we went on days out together all the time.

He spent all his time at mine as he preffered being with my family.his mum is lovely but his dad is really grumpy and puts my bf down alot. He called my mum 'mum' and said my sister was like his sister. We planned our whole life together, babies, houses, dogs etc. He spent every free time with me and when he didnt he text me all the time. We really wanted to move out but I wanted to wait to buy a house. We had a few disagreements but he eventually said it was a better idea. I sent him a few pictures of houses and he told me to stop til we could afford it. Then we kinda had a argument where he said he didnt want to buy full stop. Then the next day he phoned me in tears saying he loved me but couldnt commit, this was just after our 18 month anniversary. Before that we had spent the whole weekend together with no sign at all he didnt want to be with me anymore. He wrote lovely words in my valentines card and brought up a conversation on our future children. He even came out for 2 family meals.

We kinda spoke on email the week after he left me but he kept making excuses not to meet up. He said it was nothing I did as I was perfect, its his issue. He said he needs to be alone to grow up (he is abit of a mummys boy) A few weeks after the break up he blocked me on fb, I asked why and he said it was his way to cope. I asked if he missed or loved me even a tiny bit and he said he has no feelings and hes seeing someone new nothing serious. I asked if he cheated and he swears he didnt which I do believe.*

He does have a serious lack of confidence and always said I could do better. He avpids confrontation. And I never noticed but my friends and family said he seemed to be ok one minute and down the next. His dad nearly had a mental breakdown 10 years or so ago and they wonder whether he has depressive traits, maybe like his dad. Its been 6 weeks since we split and I have good and bad days. Was just wondering if anyone had any ideas on this. I dont understand how something so perfect has ended so out of the blue. All my friends and family are shocked and dont understand either as he always spoke so highly of me and worshipped me. He only has a a few good friends who are both with a girlfriend/fiance and hes not a going out drinking type, hes quiet and not a laddy type. Any opinions would be welcome. Going out of my mind replaying everything and wondering what happened. Thanks

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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 1,884 • Replies: 53

[+3] - Ragman - 04/04/2015I'll remind you that the opposite of love is indifference...not hate or resentment or trying to make him feel guilty. In order to move on you will need to work towards feeling indifferent about any...

@Zoe191,

Can I ask why two 26 year olds are still living at home with their families?

It seems to me neither of you are prepared for an adult relationship.

The whole house thing reads as being premature. You haven't even lived together (or independently) but you were pushing to make a significant financial commitment.

Why not take this time to get your own apartment and live independently for a while. It will help you prepare for an adult relationship with a partner.

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@ehBeth,

Erm because I'm doing my teacher training and can't afford to move out. Just because I'm not living on my own doesn't mean I'm not ready for an adult relationship. I'll admit I pushed the buying (mainly to save money) which I regret but we both wanted to move out anyway and felt it was right to do so together

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@Zoe191,

Zoe even 18 months is a short time, as Eh-Beth suggested, both living at home and then jumping into marriage and a house.

Even you've confirmed you don't "really" know him that well, others could see traits that you didn't see.

If I was to guess, I would guess that everything moved too fast for him and he does not feel that he can afford a Mortgage or the stress that goes with it and felt pushed into it, so declined the relationship in the end.

Getting engaged is a sign in my opinion of committing to someone, letting them know that they are the one that they want to spend their life with the progression from there is a joint thing and based on a lot of things, finance for one.

I realise at 26 you would be thinking about "family" but we as women can push our significant other halves into fear of going to fast.

I don't know what he does for a living but the mere fact that both of you live at home due to affordability suggests that a Mortgage would be to stressful at this point, saving up for a house significantly over a couple of years would have been perhaps the better way to go.

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@Zoe191,

Would you mind my asking in what country or culture you live? This isn't being judgmental at all...just seems to be a different cultural perspective than in North America, possibly? Perhaps there should've been a lot more heart-to-heart discussions...over a period of time in those 18 months.

This all could be that he doesn't know his own mind...due to parental heavy-handedness. Confidence issues due to self esteem issues. At 26 yrs of age it's about time to get a clue. Some men get themselves straightened out around this age - put parents in their place, etc.

I think your b/f is feeling the pressure all around him. Pressure of a new marriage..an impending mortgage...and perhaps is experiencing some cold feet about marriage. However, this may not be show-stopper. He may not want out completely. He might need some time to sort it out without pressure from both families, form you (unspoken or otherwise),. the pressure alone from a potential mortgage, talk of child-raising and what type of dog ..etc...might make him feel a bit apprehensive.

Why not ask him to talk about this? When the time is right.
It could be a 50-50 shot that he'll return...but it all depends on what he wants at this stage of his life. And at what maturity level he is.

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@Zoe191,

Sounds like you need to finish your teacher training, find work , live independently for a while and then look at living with your boyfriend - perhaps consider marriage.

Buying a home is not always a money saver. There are studies on this that both of you should probably look at. In some cities people end up with more money after 40 or 50 years if they rent rather than purchase.

In any case, consider starting with a rental - make sure you are compatible living together before you dive into the financial deep end. It is very different from what we imagine it will be like.

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@FOUND SOUL,

That's the strange thing I wasn't thinking about kids, he was. We both agreed we wouldn't have them well into our thirties. A few friends of mine have just had some babies and he's always mentioned about having them sooner but as I said to him we don't live together yet and need to do that first. He always said he knew we couldn't have them yet but he can't wait to

We had a savings account for the deposit of our house and were looking into seeing a bank advisor to see if we could afford it. We both agreed if we couldn't then we would rent together.

But yes I know I shouldn't have pushed buying, he just agreed and seemed fine with it. He said he wasn't but wanted to make me happy. And now I've ruined it Sad

how silly of me

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@Zoe191,

Things can be reversed if he can trust your words.

Tell him he's more important to you than a house and time means nothing when two people love each other, it can wait.

BUT, it sounds as if you both have different ideas really. He wants kids now, you later, you want a house now, him later.

Maybe you aren't as matched as you think you are? And, it's more of "family" love him/ you and it's a bit of a kick.. They'll get over it, especially when they meet the next person that enters your life who is more compatible.

Don't fear of your age or that he was your first proper boyfriend. You are still YOUNG

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@Ragman,

I live in the uk. We seemed to always have heart to heart discussions, well I thought we did. We always spoke about what we wanted in the future, we didn't set a wedding date til a fee years away from now as we wanted to save. I guess the house thing was a way for me to feel safe, in a weird way.

I don't know when the time would be to contact him tbh. And I don't know what I'd say, he didn't even meet me in person to explain why we ended and to swap stuff. Perhaps I need to send a letter? I don't want to push his further away so I suppose it wouldn't harm

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@FOUND SOUL,

Well he did and when I said ok lets have them now, he was like god no we can't. When I asked him about our future his ideas were the same as mine. Live together, marry, kids later. I think because I teach and a few friends had babies he got broody.

But perhaps you're right, I don't know. I genuinely feel like he's meant for me, I can't explain why and it's killing me not being with him

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@ehBeth,

That's true and I think that's something I should have considered, if I could go back I would not even have mentioned buying.

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@Zoe191,

You state that he was always with you and if not, texted on-going and that he's a Mummy's boy as well.

You also suggest that he has stated things to "just agree" with you but when challenged backed out.

Do you think he's grown up love? I'm getting the opinion that he's "tried" saving and all but is still Mummy's Boy..........

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@Zoe191,

Zoe191 wrote:

He said he wasn't but wanted to make me happy.

it can be difficult to sense when some things have to be approached with less mmmm enthusiasm

the house push might have made it all seem too real, too soon

engagements can go on forrrrrrrrever ... once you've committed to a house things get real very fast

I'm sorry that it's currently in a bad place. Maybe a letter is a good idea. Something not too heavy.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Part of me thinks he's not grown up. He even admitted that himself when we broke up. I just never thought that was an issue as he proposed and just his manner in general tbh. I just meant with the texting that in the evenings we would be texting, as in he wasn't cheating as he spoke to me every night.

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@ehBeth,

Yeah I think that's what pushed him tbh. But perhaps something short will let him know how I feel and it's up to him then, I'm just sad he wants to throw us away when we worked so well

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@Zoe191,

Hello Zoe, I'm not going to disagree with the advice the others provided, and most importantly I'm not a licensed health professional. I would suggest you talk to a therapist, someone completely unbiased, to help you put this situation in a clear light. I don't know if this guy is good or bad for you, but if he has untreated depression (maybe, maybe not) it would be extremely beneficial to understand what to expect. Depression is much more common than people think, I think depression in young people can create a lot of turmoil over small things that most people don't even notice.

The most important thing is to remember, is that life throws us curve balls. We need to adjust when things happen, becoming frozen when coping with problems is not helpful. And please remember that you can't make him happy, he has to like himself and make himself happy. I do understand the urge to fix things for him, (I used to do that) but he will begin to make you responsible for state of mind, and that will drain you.

As for the "why is this happening?", I wish I could tell you something wise and comforting.

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@glitterbag,

Thankyou, perhaps you're right. I'm familiar with depression and I know traits and how it eats at you. When I mentioned his dad might be, he completely ruled it out. So I don't think me mentioning it to him is worth it, he needs to realise that on his own (if indeed that is what is wrong)

Yes the why is the worst part. I believe everything happens for a reason and karma. But I'm wondering where my good karma is. I'm debating whether to send him a short email/letter (as I deleted his number in a rage oops) just to say I accept the break up, sorry for what happened and end on a positive note on something I've been doing ... Perhaps to pique his interest. Perhaps I'm just doing that out of desperation :/ life sucks doesn't it

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@Zoe191,

I'll make this observation noted at my advanced age (64): young men mature at about age 30 yrs, as far as marriage goes. With young women , I observe that age is about 5 yr sooner.

This observation is to be taken with a grain of salt; however, I think that what you have written has indicated there might be some truth here.

Furthermore the age that couples choose to have children...well I won't even go there. However, a really good course should be taken by the couple ...with a good teacher/counselor,/psychologist.

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@Ragman,

No I appreciate the insight and tbh he even said himself he needs to grow up. In your opinion should I write him a note stating what I did above? Or just hope one day he comes to me? What's your opinion of going forward now?

1 Reply

@Zoe191,

I would take a little time..and write a 'feel good..no pressure' note and write nothing that puts any blame on him.

However, if it were me, I'd write in the note that I'd like to get together when it's a good time (suggest a mutual time in the near future) and just have some fun and share what that good warmth that you two have had as a couple. Maybe in your note avoid getting into details. Just save that for a face-to-face at a time that's more apropos.

Admissions that people make...admitting that they need to grow up...well, that's swell...but then WTH...that's a cop out. Grow up already. You can't just walk away..with no explanation. That's not just immature...that's cruel and highly insensitive. Someone may be somewhat immature..but this about knowing how to treat someone you love.

Someone may not be ready for marriage and mortgages, but that is no excuse for abandonment.

That's just me and my way. Others may advise differently.

1 Reply

Will he come back to me

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