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Mon 9 Mar, 2015 12:28 pm
I'll try to maintain brevity while being thorough enough here.
Met a girl online, hit it off incredibly, began dating, very quickly moved in together, I proposed, she said yes. So we're living together engaged for a few months now, and we're generally very, very happy.
And now for the problem; she's very close with her ex.
She started working at her current job about 10 years ago, and dated her boss for awhile, which ended about 8 years ago. He's quite a mosaic of issues; generally a "nice guy" but a bit of a medicated sociopath. After the turmoil of the breakup had simmered down, they became close friends (as I believe they were prior to dating anyhow) and have remained since. It's sort of a twisted Jerry-and-Elaine situation.
Now, there's no secrets as far as I can tell; she's been very upfront about their former relationship (perhaps too much at times) and current friendship because, as she explains, she doesn't want me to be scared off by the situation. Honestly, I applaud her for this, I've been in a similar situation before but everything was brushed under the rug.
However, when we started dating, the ex was in a relationship, and the 4 of us would sort of double-date sometimes. Generally, outside of work, my fiance and the ex wouldn't talk too much because, as I've learned, he would be very focused (for lack of a better term) on his relationship. However, this relationship (which was rocky, and itself quite long term) has recently ended, and it appears it will remain that way.
He doesn't have many friends, and has resorted to being "best buds" with my fiance again. And I've become exceedingly uncomfortable with it.
I was initially "okay" with the situation because their friendship seemed more professional than personal, as it was due to his being involved in a relationship. Now that the dynamics have changed (presumably back to what they were prior to his recently ended relationship) I'm feeling difficulty in confronting her about my discomfort, because I feel that we've already moved through the "are you going to be okay with this?" process.
Everything is obviously further complicated by the fact that he's her boss (his own business), and she isn't in a spot to suddenly change jobs even if that were a reasonable request (which I know it isn't)
I suppose my questions are:
- Am I right in feeling uncomfortable, or am I just being a jealous ass?
- Is it reasonable to bring my concerns to light now, despite my having appeared to be okay with it initially?
- How could I even go about bringing these concerns to light? It seems likely that the relationship would be damaged given that friendship and employment are tied into this.
@uprockandinvigorate,
Have you asked how the ex is doing with his breakup and what his moving on with his own life plans are?
make it conversational
hey, how's Bob doing? is he dating anyone new? I hope he finds someone great. ... and on to another subject thereafter
@ehBeth,
Well, I don't really need to ask because it's become rather the central point of discussion.
Prior to me existing, the ex and his ... now ex, and my fiance were sort of a "three muskateers" situation. As I understand his now-ex wasn't particularly comfortable with the two of them being friends in the beginning either. I'm not too sure how that got resolved (or even if it did; it may have just become a dull pain to her)
My fiance has had to play psychologist to both of them through their breakup process, though her loyalty in friendship remains with him, not her.
I'm idly watching this soap opera unfold.
She's not really happy about having to deal with them, her ex is a pain in the ass because he's a bipolar mess, and frequently upsets her (not purposefully, but just through being a bit unpredictable and emotional)
I visit her at work, and the whole situation has (outside of how I feel) become rather "okay".
I'm feeling a bit down the rabbit hole now, because it's hard to unwind my being "okay" with this at this point (or it seems that way to me at least)
@uprockandinvigorate,
uprockandinvigorate wrote:
Well, I don't really need to ask because it's become rather the central point of discussion.
ok then
that's a bit of a problem
her ex and his relationship shouldn't be a focus of your relationship time
___
how is your partner if you try to move the conversation onto something/anything else?
@uprockandinvigorate,
Quote:- Am I right in feeling uncomfortable
yes
Quote:- Is it reasonable to bring my concerns to light now, despite my having appeared to be okay with it initially
Of course, you always have the right to speak your mind and your heart, and if your mind or heart has changed you not only have the right to speak up about the change but the duty as well
Quote: How could I even go about bringing these concerns to light? It seems likely that the relationship would be damaged given that friendship and employment are tied into this.
If it were me the woman would have to make a choice, get a new job and cut this guy loose or I walk. I would expect that she would tell me to walk, and I would be OK with that. I would not invest years into this woman under the current conditions, the chances that it would work out in my favor are too small.
@uprockandinvigorate,
uprockandinvigorate wrote:
I suppose my questions are:
- Am I right in feeling uncomfortable, or am I just being a jealous ass?
- Is it reasonable to bring my concerns to light now, despite my having appeared to be okay with it initially?
- How could I even go about bringing these concerns to light? It seems likely that the relationship would be damaged given that friendship and employment are tied into this.
are you jealous? or annoyed? (you don't sound jealous in your OP)
is your concern around a possible rekindling of their prior relationship or your fiancee's current involvement as an (unpaid/inappropriate) therapist?
you don't think that your fiancee can remain friends with her boss without you being part of that friendship?
Look - she has a very complicated and dysfunctional relationship with this guy and you are standing there like an outsider. Not fair and not a good sign.
Time for your fiance to cut the umbilical cord with him, socially, emotionally and maybe even job-wise.
You describe this as a kind of Seinfeld or "Friends" relationship. Remember, those were sit-coms with perpetual characters who never quite grew up. Want to make that your future?
Think about it.
@uprockandinvigorate,
Quote:He doesn't have many friends, and has resorted to being "best buds" with my fiance again. And I've become exceedingly uncomfortable with it.
I think everything depends on what you mean by being best buds. Is she hanging out with him after work, just the two of them? In my book, I'd have to have a conversation with her if that were the case. Are they simply close because they work together? In which case, no big deal in my book. Is she always wanting to include him in your activities such as going out to dinner or to a movie? Again, if so, I think you have a right to be concerned and talk to her about it.
Otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it. After all, seems to me she picked you over him since he was not a factor when you two met.
@ehBeth,
Oh, not a problem; she generally tries to actively disengage from their ending/ended relationship and discussion of it.
But now that they're "best buds" again, he's calling/texting her frequently. Nothing inappropriate (we're very open with our online socializing, access to each others' everything)
Perhaps my phrasing of "central point" was not accurate, but it's definitely a point of ongoing discussion, as would be the case of any close friends' ending relationship, especially when both parties of the ending relationship are seeking your help.
It's not so much that I mind them being friends, but I just find that the culmination of how things have progressed to be disturbing; I suppose I didn't realize how actual their friendship was until recently, due to the breakup etc.
@ehBeth,
Quote:you don't think that your fiancee can remain friends with her boss without you being part of that friendship?
Better question: do you think that she can work for and be friends with this guy without being emotionally unfaithful to you if not sexually unfaithful?
@hawkeye10,
Draconian, but honorable; I feel like this is something I need to do, but I'm so damned in love with her (and her I, thankfully) that I don't know if I could go through with leaving.
I feel that the cons would outweigh the pros, if I were to leave; whereas staying there are still cons, as per my concern, but more tolerable than leaving.
I just want some boundaries; something to make me feel a bit more comfortable.
@uprockandinvigorate,
Quote: Nothing inappropriate (we're very open with our online socializing, access to each others' everything)
Which is not relevant here since they work together, they dont need social media to set up cheating on you. If she is claiming that she cant be doing anything because you have access to her social media that would be a huge alarm for me.
You got anyone you can set him up with?
@ehBeth,
I am jealous, and annoyed. I don't know if I'm justified in feeling jealous, but I certainly do.
I don't know if I'm concerned about rekindling of their relationship, I don't think that's possible (they had a very, *very* bad breakup as I understand it, as well as a very unpleasant relationship for the better part of it) but I don't feel comfortable.
I can really only describe it as a looming discomfort.
@CoastalRat,
They don't hang out just the two of them; it's rather the three of us.
She doesn't want to include him in our personal time, such as dinner, movies, etc., but she wants me to be friends with him, and for everybody to get along.
I think that's fair; I'm just not comfortable with it (or him)
@hawkeye10,
That wasn't a claim, we're just both open with everything.
There's been no discussion of concern with cheating, or anything like that.
@uprockandinvigorate,
I think I'd be best to just summarize my concern, after having talked this out a bit more I can see it more clearly.
I just don't really like the guy. He's a "nice guy", but he's a loon. They have a friendship with history, and despite our emotional intimacy, they can connect pretty easily simply due to the fact that they've known each other a decade. I don't like that, and it's that that makes me jealous. And that is only because they were together; given another friend (not ex) of a decade, I wouldn't bat an eye.
I just want to usher him out of our life.
My concern is whether I should feel right about doing this (which some of you have responded is reasonable) and how I could go about doing this such that all things concerned are least upset in the process.
I know this isn't like asking someone to give up chewing gum, and there'll be a lot of fallout; but has anyone successfully proceeded to remedy this sort of situation?
@uprockandinvigorate,
Quote:Draconian, but honorable; I feel like this is something I need to do, but I'm so damned in love with her (and her I, thankfully) that I don't know if I could go through with leaving.
I live with a childhood sexual abuse survivor and over the years have known many guys who tried to hook up with damage women. I have seen too many guys invest years and decades into women only to end up chewed up and spit out, often left so bitter that they will almost certainly never love again.
It is important to pick your women well, which means in part picking women who want you. If she does not want you enough to be willing to get out of this messed up situation by getting a new job and cutting this guy off then why do you want to be with her? Do you have self esteem issues?
Quote:I just want some boundaries; something to make me feel a bit more comfortable.
Is this woman capable of sticking to boundaries? If it were me boundaries would have to start with " you will never talk to him about our relationship", which she might agree to to shut me up but she would never honor it, which makes negotiating boundaries a waste of time.
@uprockandinvigorate,
Quote:I know this isn't like asking someone to give up chewing gum, and there'll be a lot of fallout; but has anyone successfully proceeded to remedy this sort of situation?
you can be OK with your desires being submissive to the desires of your wife.
@hawkeye10,
I'm very certain that she's not being emotionally unfaithful, nor sexually.
I just don't like the bastard.
I think this is more a "me" problem, than a "her" problem.
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