Complicated situation with her ex

life has taught me to trust my gut.


Again indicating that you have self esteem problems.

Do you remember Diana saying that there were three people in her marriage? That is what you are setting up, and dont expect that you will be any more happy than she was.

Likewise.

I'm going to have to ponder how to approach this. Outright is best, but I don't want to damage the relationship more than necessary; though it may be necessary.

I suppose since we fell so head-over-heels for each other, I'm acting a bit risk-averse, I don't want to end the relationship, but I sure don't want it to continue like this either.

Perhaps. I was more gesturing toward the fact that there may be no inherent problem with the situation, and that I'm just being jealous; er go, I'm not observing a problem outside of myself, but rather than letting my own concerns become a problem.

Self-esteem or not, either way I'm uncomfortable and am going to fix this.

that's fair

you don't have to like everyone your partner likes

perhaps you could approach it from the angle of having been ok double-dating as you didn't have to deal with him too much in that format - but you're not his friend

hopefully she can find a way to be his friend/colleague in a way that doesn't involve you

and yeah - Jespah's got a good question - got anyone to set him up with?

encourage him getting on with his dating life so your partner can bow out - and try to get the message in there that double-dating's not on the books for the future

So the relationship was over 8 years ago. What relationships has your woman had since, and how/why did they end? Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour.

The fact that you two rushed into this marriage is a huge red flag, for while Nichole Kidman has to some degree be able to get away with marrying guys and then learning who they are after this plan does not work for most people. I also know that women who can not maintain relationships over the long haul tend to rush from short term relationship to short term relationship....going in big but not sticking around long.

EDIT: I point out that this woman has built in an automatic out card..."you are so jealous that I cant be with you, BYE!...and this is your fault buster"

No - it could be a "him" problem. He's like an old dog that keeps coming back to be petted. And your girlfriend is unwilling to stop this behavior.

There's "friends" and then there's "Friends." Since we are getting only one side of this story, it IS your problem with her.

The original quote clearly meant " I am the problem ", not "I have a problem with the situation".

Your cynicism is rather welcomed, because it's helping me gain perspective, however I'd just like to point out that there's no apparent manipulation or conniving happening. I'm unfortunately privy to that experience, and I don't think I'm so blinded by love to not see it here.

I'm just uncomfortable with buddy.

I'll have to consider what I know of her past, of relationships in the interim. We certainly did rush into things, but I have no regrets regarding that, and neither does she. We were both kinda jaded but optimistic when we found each other, looking for someone to love and be with; looking for "the one".

I don't fear any *real* issues with the ex, outside of my general discomfort with him being there.

He's like a bee in the living room; nothing malicious or underhanded going on, but I just want him the **** out.

Rather than get bogged in semantics, I'll clarify.

I don't think I'm the problem, I do think I have a problem with the situation. Because everything otherwise is very much awesome, I've considered that my having a problem with the situation would then be *the problem*.

I don't want to let something petty wreck a good thing, however I don't want the petty thing to be exacerbated by not addressing it either.

good question..

Putting myself in uprock's shoes, I'd be apprehensive about signing up for more of this going on and on and on at a time I am presumably happy about marrying this woman. Sort of like a triumvirate and that can be difficult over time, historically. Or, a large truckload to handle instead of the average bit of baggage.


That's my first take, and there's more discussion after ehBeth's post that I'm answering in this one - lots more posts.

What evidence do you have that this woman can or wants to maintain a relationship? She may be fine, but the rush into marriage, the twisted relationship with this guy who you have a bad gut feeling about, her making exaggerated motions that she has nothing to hide which is exactly what a person who did have something to hide but was trying to deceive you would do should be taken into consideration..

She had you double dating with an ex who is her employer who she has been involved with for 10 years who is in your opinion a needy jerk? Didnt you say PiPolar as well? Who has no problem making big time demands on your wife to be so why would he stop when she is your wife? "sorry honey but Bubba needs to go get drunk and talk about his lack of sex life, I will be home late tonight.".

Do you want to get that text?

When exactly do your feelings count? When do you come first?

I reckon this'd be a stretch, but,



...of course not.

I'll be having a talk with her tonight.

Having read up, I think this can be big trouble afoot, and I'd slow down on the idea of marrying for a lifetime in due speed, as you are doing. I'm not assuming re some kind of sexual liaison with your betrothed and this guy at this point, but am regarding the space he is apt to take up in your lives.

Please let us know how it goes. What you want to see is some empathy for your feelings, and none of her trying to make you feel bad or like you are a manipulative controlling jerk (assuming that you dont make demands, that you confine this to talking about how your feel and asking her how she feels). Gotta feeling that you are going to get " but honey you know I dont keep anything from you, there is nothing going on and never will be anything going on so I dont need to do anything differently....you just need to get over it".

I hope I am wrong.

You are mostly wrong, hawkeye, so there is no problem.

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Listen, she's been friends with this guy for 8 years - after they've had a sexual relationship and found out it doesn't work, they became friends. For 8 years she hasn't gone back to a relationship with him, why should she now when she has a healthy relationship with you? That's absurd.

Women do have male friends, period. In your fiance's case it's a bit more complicated, but she's open about it and she talks to you about it. What more can she do?

It is you who has a problem with this relationship, not her. It is your jealousy and your distrust in her that bugs you. My suggestion to you is: find out why you distrust her and are jealous. Once you find the answer you can work from there on your own problem, not hers.

Why should she quit her job, if YOU have the problem? Not fair to her or anyone. Her friend/boss is needy right now because he's working through a break-up. Find him another women, problem solved.....

Well not really, because you have issues with trust and jealousy and that's not good.

I am imagining that Charles said much the same thing to Diana when she started asking questions about Camilla.

Oh please! Every relationship is unique, even the ones you've had with various partners and don't tell me that's not true.

None of us know what went on behind doors with Charles, Diana and Camilla, nor do I care to know, frankly.

To compare them to this situation is more than absurd.

"trust your gut" was the winning argument, in case you were not sure.

And?

How did the heart to heart go?