10
   

"BF of 5 years and sex only 3 times says he really loves me without sex.

 
 
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 10:16 am
I have been in a relationship with a now 48 year old man for 5 years. We have had sex 3 times. He says once he becomes friends and loves someone, he can't have sex with them anymore. It is a barrier to himself from being abused as a child by a close family friend. However, he says he loves me and would never cheat on me and wants to be my life partner.

He also has random text messages with females and meets them for coffee as "friends" just to talk he says. He says he sees them no different than if he was talking to a male friend. He says he is more comfortable around females than males.

Also, his previous wife committed suicide last year after they had been divorced for several years due to her borderline personality disorder and addiction problems. He went to the funeral and said he could not "be" with me physically still 4 months after the funeral because he was grieving and I should be more understanding. Prior to her suicide, he went to visit her (she was in rehab in another state) and he finally admitted to me that they slept in the same bed but did not have sex and that he was just watching her carefully to see how she was really doing with her treatment. I know he can sleep in a bed with a female without sex because he has been doing that with me for 5 years. I still feel like even sleeping in a bed without sex is cheating although he says it is not, especially since they didn't even touch each other the whole time. He admitted to me that he made a bad decision and that if he could do it over again, he would.

Every time I try to leave he has a way of manipulating me to tell me he is working on his issues and wants me to know how much he wants a healthy relationship. He states that he believes we are meant to be together and he wants to work it all out and have everything other couples have.....but we never do.

First, is the above actions with females "cheating"? I think it is but he says I am being controlling.

Second, is it selfish of me to expect to have a normal, healthy sexual relationship with my boyfriend and am I showing a lack of compassion and understanding as he works through his child abuse issues?

I am depressed, feel ugly, unwanted and confused. I am 48 as well and I don't want to waste another 5 years of my life if all the above is really just B/S.
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 10:36 am
@confused1166,
You're going to hate this situation even more if you allow it to continue.

The dude needs counseling, big time. And you might want to try some for yourself, and explore why you'd allow this to go on, and for this long. Not every relationship has to have sex in it in order to thrive, but you've been silently fuming for half a decade.

Life doesn't have to be this way.
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 10:53 am
@confused1166,
'However, he says he loves me and would never cheat on me and wants to be my life partner.'

As a life partner, will he have sex with you or not?

Something is seriously wrong with this man and relationships altogether. Reminds me of Michael Jackson. Sleeping not touching other people, abused...

Can you find someone else? It doesn't seem healthy or not bit promising.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  3  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 11:13 am
@confused1166,
I agree with jes but would add; get out of this toxic relationship. It's destroying your self-esteem.
And once you're far away from his manipulation get some help to find out why your need to be IN a relationship trumps your need to have a GOOD relationship.
Keep us informed confused.
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 11:14 am
@confused1166,
Quote:
First, is the above actions with females "cheating"? I think it is but he says I am being controlling.
Are these women people he already knows (friends) or are they women he is meeting on some social site? If they are already friends of his, then I don't think it is cheating. You could say he is being a bit insensitive to your feelings about his meeting up with them, but not cheating.

Quote:
Second, is it selfish of me to expect to have a normal, healthy sexual relationship with my boyfriend
If that is what you want, then no, you are not being selfish.

Quote:
am I showing a lack of compassion and understanding as he works through his child abuse issues?
At some point, compassion and understanding of his issues (whatever they might be) must be weighed against your needs and desires within the relationship. You are not tied to him in marriage and so have made him no promise to always be there. If he cannot give you what you want, then deciding to move on to someone else has nothing to do with compassion or understanding. It simply means you have decided that the relationship just is not working for you.
0 Replies
 
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 11:23 am
@confused1166,
Maybe he just has no desire for you. Sorry.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 11:30 am
How about: He's Bi, Gay, a Con, Grief stricken, a cheater, a player, asexual, low testerone, sociopath, . . . or something!?

He's never gone to counseling? You two have never gone to counseling?

One thing is clear: He is using you. Things will not change and they will get worse.

Drop him and send him on his way. You deserve more in life.

0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 11:59 am
@Olivier5,
Why would he stayed with her and planning on making her life partner?
Olivier5
 
  0  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 12:02 pm
@Eliusa,
Comfort, companionship, food?
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 12:11 pm
@Olivier5,
As supposed to find someone he is passionate about?
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 12:29 pm
@Eliusa,
Some people don't believe in passion, you know?
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 01:07 pm
@Olivier5,
You are not serious, are you? Smile
Man can have sex 3 times in 5 years must be sick somehow.
I am wondering what is he believing into if not passion?
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 01:34 pm
@Eliusa,
I am serious. Some people couldn't care less for love or even for sex.

Quote:
Man can have sex 3 times in 5 years must be sick somehow.

Or wanking, or cheating, or....
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 01:48 pm
@confused1166,
Why have you chosen to stay in the relationship?
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  -2  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 01:55 pm
@Olivier5,
Cheating with someone and not having it with his woman he wants to make a partner in life (whatever it means).
And yesss, I had googled 'wanking'...Smile
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Tue 13 Jan, 2015 03:12 pm
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

You're going to hate this situation even more if you allow it to continue.

The dude needs counseling, big time. And you might want to try some for yourself, and explore why you'd allow this to go on, and for this long. Not every relationship has to have sex in it in order to thrive, but you've been silently fuming for half a decade.

Life doesn't have to be this way.


I have to respectfully say that she, if anyone needs the counseling. He's apparantly happy enough without having sex, and there's nothing wrong with that.

She's the one staying, and it's not what she wants.
0 Replies
 
Late
 
  2  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 01:14 pm
@confused1166,
RUN
0 Replies
 
FOUND SOUL
 
  3  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 03:03 pm
@confused1166,
Quote:
Also, his previous wife committed suicide last year after they had been divorced for several years due to her borderline personality disorder and addiction problems


Quote:
I am depressed, feel ugly, unwanted and confused. I am 48


I'd like you to look at both of the above Statements. She may really not have had a borderline personality before she married him, nor addiction problems and you do not want to go down that path.

I'd like you to truly look deeply as well, 48 - 5 years, promises, never met.

You're 48 you are young, you can be his "friend" like all the other ladies, sleeping with his ex, whom he hasn't been with for at least 5 years, grieving, personally I think he believes he caused it.

Please don't be a statistic of the wrong relationship, you have a lot of living to do.
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 05:17 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
I rarely agree with you, but you're on to something here.
0 Replies
 
psychictiff
 
  1  
Reply Wed 14 Jan, 2015 06:46 pm
@confused1166,
First: I don't think speaking to others is cheating, however I under where it's bothersome!!

Secondly: ABSOLUTELY not selfish.. Human, healthy and normal, yes...

HE needs therapy, not you! You're owning someone else's problem that you have no control over. And that's a no win game!!
 

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