"BF of 5 years and sex only 3 times says he really loves me without sex.

I have been in a relationship with a now 48 year old man for 5 years. We have had sex 3 times. He says once he becomes friends and loves someone, he can't have sex with them anymore. It is a barrier to himself from being abused as a child by a close family friend. However, he says he loves me and would never cheat on me and wants to be my life partner.

He also has random text messages with females and meets them for coffee as "friends" just to talk he says. He says he sees them no different than if he was talking to a male friend. He says he is more comfortable around females than males.

Also, his previous wife committed suicide last year after they had been divorced for several years due to her borderline personality disorder and addiction problems. He went to the funeral and said he could not "be" with me physically still 4 months after the funeral because he was grieving and I should be more understanding. Prior to her suicide, he went to visit her (she was in rehab in another state) and he finally admitted to me that they slept in the same bed but did not have sex and that he was just watching her carefully to see how she was really doing with her treatment. I know he can sleep in a bed with a female without sex because he has been doing that with me for 5 years. I still feel like even sleeping in a bed without sex is cheating although he says it is not, especially since they didn't even touch each other the whole time. He admitted to me that he made a bad decision and that if he could do it over again, he would.

Every time I try to leave he has a way of manipulating me to tell me he is working on his issues and wants me to know how much he wants a healthy relationship. He states that he believes we are meant to be together and he wants to work it all out and have everything other couples have.....but we never do.

First, is the above actions with females "cheating"? I think it is but he says I am being controlling.

Second, is it selfish of me to expect to have a normal, healthy sexual relationship with my boyfriend and am I showing a lack of compassion and understanding as he works through his child abuse issues?

I am depressed, feel ugly, unwanted and confused. I am 48 as well and I don't want to waste another 5 years of my life if all the above is really just B/S.