I cheated, when to try and touch husband?

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I cheated on my husband twice with the same person. I told him which was very difficult, not because I am afraid of loosing him because I can't believe I was capable of putting him through so much pain nor did I want him to feel that pain. My husband and I are going to see if it's even possible to salvage our marriage(this just came out a week ago). When we talk which isn't often but that's ok, I want to touch his hand or hug him, anything to try and console him because I am sorry and I do love him. I just don't know if I should even try, I don't want to push him but I also don't want to "ignore" him either. I really need advice on the steps/process people go through after they find out and decide they want to at least try(no promises). And FYI my husband is a very logical, level headed, rational person.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 8 • Views: 2,606 • Replies: 23

@Cblack30,

You need a marriage counselor. This is beyond our skill set here.

1 Reply

@jespah,

We will be getting counseling together as well as individually, he just hasn't gotten that far yet because this is so new.

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@Cblack30,

Quote:

I cheated on my husband twice with the same person. I told him which was very difficult, not because I am afraid of loosing him because I can't believe I was capable of putting him through so much pain nor did I want him to feel that pain. My husband and I are going to see if it's even possible to salvage our marriage(this just came out a week ago). When we talk which isn't often but that's ok, I want to touch his hand or hug him, anything to try and console him because I am sorry and I do love him. I just don't know if I should even try, I don't want to push him but I also don't want to "ignore" him either. I really need advice on the steps/process people go through after they find out and decide they want to at least try(no promises). And FYI my husband is a very logical, level headed, rational person.

And, who cares if your husband is a "very logical, level headed, rational person, or a complete idiot"?

The point here its you. Are you going to be cheating on your husband with the same "person" again or with another "person" in the future? (who knows if "person" means a man or a woman).

If yes, then, why are you writing here? You have made your mind already and you don't care.

If no, then, why did you tell your husband about it? You should just buried it and forget it.

1 Reply

@Cblack30,

Marriages DO get thru this, but it takes work - IF you are really serious about changing the behaviors that led to this debacle. (on both sides)

He is probably in shock and just processing it all. Maybe he does not want to even have you touch him at all.

If he's like you say, he might respond to a "May I hold your hand now?" approach. Respect his boundaries right now, but let him know that you desire reconciliation.

In counseling, hopefully the blame will be set aside and healing can happen.

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@carloslebaron,

I can't even begin to make sense of the point you are trying to make and how it relates my orig post....

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I am very serious about making an effort to repair my marriage. I don't have all of the answers and is why I am seeking counseling individually as well. I can't say exactly why I cheated although I know I will never do it again and in order to do so I (and my husband) need to work on resolving any and all issues. I also know this is not his fault and he did not force me to be unfaithful.

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@Cblack30,

One question. What did you tell him for? if you decided not to do this anymore?

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For those asking why she told him, I don't see why it matters at this point. Yes, not telling him may have been the way to go, especially if she was not going to cheat again. Then again, sometimes being honest can be soul cleansing. The first step to getting past the guilt one feels is to apologize and seek forgiveness. It works with God and I believe it works with people too.

As was stated earlier, repairing the relationship will be a long process. I think small touches would be welcome by him, if only to show that you are wanting to give him attention. Maybe you two can have a quiet evening of watching a movie together and sitting next to him you can quietly, without making a big deal about it, reach over and put your hand on his. Just don't get upset if he moves his hand away. Again, it is going to take time.

I know you can get past this. My parents did and went on to stay married for another 42 years (55 altogether) before my dad passed away last July. So I know it is possible with a little bit of work.

Good luck.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

Please, explain. How is it 'honest' to tell someone you had been dishonest?
Is it like if you confess your sins you are going to be forgiven because Jesus loves you anyway?
I think it is more honest to not to hurt innocent person with information that can be withheld (otherwise hurt him for nothing) and try to not to sin again and pray that he will never find out.

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Quote:

How is it 'honest' to tell someone you had been dishonest?

If you have to even ask this question there is no point in my trying to explain it to you.

Quote:

I think it is more honest to not to hurt innocent person with information that can be withheld (otherwise hurt him for nothing) and try to not to sin again and pray that he will never find out.

And that is fine. I can totally understand that thinking and in fact I wrote that it may well have been the best way to go.

Yet I believe honesty is a key building block of a healthy relationship. And guilt can be a burden on an individual. So I understand why someone would want to be honest with their partner and come clean as it were, with their transgression. Of course, one would always run the risk that their partner would see the infidelity as a deal breaker. But then we get into accepting the consequences for our bad choices, something the OP may find out. But at least she will know that she was honest with her partner and that may allay her guilt to some degree.

Honestly, if my wife had a one time fling with someone, I think (I said think, mind you) that I would want her to tell me for several reasons which I don't think I will enumerate here. Whether I could get past her infidelity is something I don't believe I could honestly answer and would depend on several factors.

1 Reply

@Cblack30,

Just give him time. Holding his hand should be fine but if you hold his hand and he pulls it back, that's ok too: it's part of communicating the pain and all that.

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@CoastalRat,

Guilt can be a burden, of course, so if you had cheated - you should not make yourself feel better by unloading this burden on un-suspected innocent party but live with it and learn from it and leave ta heck your spouse to be in a dark.
Why is he supposed to suffer when he don't have to???

2 Replies

@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

Guilt can be a burden, of course, so if you had cheated - you should not make yourself feel better by unloading this burden on un-suspected innocent party but live with it and learn from it and leave ta heck your spouse to be in a dark.
Why is he supposed to suffer when he don't have to???

You mean....like your husband? Good job keeping him in the dark. You are truly an expert. You really must start a class where people can sign up to learn to be disloyal....you're an expert! ;-)

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@Eliusa,

Let me turn the question around. Why do you think he has no right to know that the woman who promised to be faithful to him has cheated on him?

You seem to believe honesty within a relationship is not important. Basically, you are saying that as long as the poor sap doesn't find out, everything is fine and dandy. No harm done at all.

So please explain to me upon what basis you don't believe he has a right to know that his wife has cheated on him. Maybe she never will again. Maybe she will. Doesn't he have a right to decide if he wants to stay with her and take that chance?

3 Replies

@Germlat,

You said you aren't talking to me, you are not interested etc.
You cheating on YOU!

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@Germlat,

Germlat, I included something similar in my post that follows yours, but decided to take it out right before posting.

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@CoastalRat,

CoastalRat wrote:

Why do you think he has no right to know that the woman who promised to be faithful to him has cheated on him?

I think it's about respect. If we respect our primary partners, we will be honest with them and give them the right to make their own decision about whether a relationship will continue based on their full knowledge.

And fundamentally, if we don't respect them, why did we choose to be in relationships with them?

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@CoastalRat,

I don't know CR, I just think that there is so many reasons, I can't list them all.
I knew many families where the wife was the only one who didn't know that her husband slept with her best friend. Or wife slept with some of the men in a group. And when these people became old - they were happily married still with grown up children and no one seemed hurt by infidelity.
It is like horror of cheating is overrated unless person who is discovering it can be hurt. I would be if I had never cheated and discovered that it is really not such a big deal and nothing to die about if I had discovered it.
So I think you guys just drama queens. And kings.

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I struggled with telling my husband, I didn't want to because I knew the pain it would bring and I could not believe I had done that to him. If it were him, and it was once, done and never would happen again I wouldn't want to know. The reason I deceided to tell him was because the other persons wife knew, I didn't want my husband finding out from someone else or it coming out months/years later because then there would be no excuses as to why I hid the truth and our marriage would be irreparable.

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I cheated, when to try and touch husband?

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