Marriage problem and the 3rd person involved.

Please, tell me why are you cautious?

And run through your head things like divorce, child custody, child support...
If it is welcome and you want out - you will feel that all these things do not scare you.

Also I am shering with you something one wonderful person here posted:
Love is not an arrow either. It's a wrench thrown by Cupid into our rational, mechanical, automaton lives. Given a chance, it will destroy our old lives and (perhaps) give us some new life instead.
At the very least, it wakes us up from the dulness of our automatic lives...

I am cautious, cause I'm unsure of who the 3rd party is. I don't know her that long to be sure, although all signs are she is, I suppose falling for me.
I'm also a bit nervous about all the above custody, maintenance, where I will live etc. I don't know enough about the subject , others would know the system I don't.
Since this happened its like a breath of fresh air in my life, something to look forward to instead of arguing etc. I gradually don't care anymore. Im worried about my child & how that plans out. My wife sees now that I don't have interest and is suddenly worried, even though she has regularly told me to go, I haven't as I had no where to go. Now I feel I should for everyone sake. Im not happy
What's your advice?

I do hope you've got bucks.

Because you'll be supporting two households if you don't watch it.

This kind of stuff has a massive economic component to it, and a lot of people think with their hormones and forget that part of it.

You want out of your marriage? Then go! Be my guest! But understand that it will hit you financially. And if it's a fault divorce (which it can be in some states if there is adultery), then it will hit you harder.

Outside the United States? Then divorce is often more difficult. In the meantime, your child still needs shoes and a roof, no matter what you decide.

How is a fault divorce decided? If we split up first how can this be proven?

Decide what you are going to do about your marriage first and foremost.

If you become involved with someone else while you are still married, you could be found at fault during a divorce (this is very much effected by the jurisdiction you are in).

_________

Why did you marry your wife to begin with? did you love her?

Yeah at the start but with time we drifted apart. She hates me and has said it more than once. We are in a terrible situation. She said she doesn't love me either.

Does either of you have an interest in continuing the marriage? have you talked to your wife about separating/divorcing?

Let's hold this moment. Your wife is worried? Could that be something that will bring her back to her younger former self and who knows???

Another thing. Wife told you to go, you had stayed. She said she doesn't love you. You stayed.
Is it just because you/we are too lazy to change things and we rather to just live as we are living for heck of it?

Now remember the wrench in my other post? It hit you to decide if you are going to be miserable at 48 and 58 and so forth.

That's true. I often wonder what life would be like after all of this. Its not going to be a bed of roses either when I've to pay maintaince etc. But would the cost alone keep you in an unhappy relationship??
We both have tried to change over the years but I hasn't worked, I don't believe either of us have cheated either. Its just that I can only take so much of a non loving partner, and believe me she has been very cold for up to months on end.

How is that you had tried to change over the years?
And how long would you give to your non-loving relationships have you not met that girl?

John...a third person in the current picture will only complicate matters. Go to therapy with your wife.
Therapy is not to help you stay together, but to help you gain a more clear perspective on why things are the way they are. The worst thing to do in a marriage is have an extramarital affair. Any relationship is thrilling and exciting at first. There are no guarantees in life. Talk to your wife and tell her you are seriously considering divorce. I'm only speaking for myself when I say there are no accidents. I think you saw an opportunity and took it. There are ups and downs on all serious relationships. What have you been doing to show your wife you love her? What is your preferred method of communication? Does your family demean your wife?.... These are all questions that should be explored.

My family never done a whole lot apart from being laid back and calling to see us once in a while. Whereas her family are full on its a daily chore to call to us. My family were blacklisted then. There was a huge argument and now for the past 6-8 months I don't speak to any of them. Down through the years again I have lost contact with most of my friends due to my wife's attitude towards them, she either likes you or not. She has lost a few friends herself. But this was never my old self, I'm outgoing friendly chatty etc. She's complete opposite she doesn't like going out, going for a beer, would prefer to sit in a corner on our own whereas I prefer to be with company having a chat/laugh etc.
I haven't been showing her any sort of affection over the past 6-8 weeks as I was consistently being rejected for a few months before that. When in bed its all about her needs, I'm secondary.
Communication is poor we could sit and talk but when we talk its ALL about me and issues I have and what am I going to do about them never about her issues as she sees no wrong. We communicate daily, but when something needs to be gotten off her mind she waits until I go to work then sends a cellphone text. Then it begins.......
Can I have your opinion? In all the years you are with your wife /partner how many times have they said sorry?
Over all my time with my wife and previous to marriage she has said sorry only once and that was a few weeks back, just once in 10+ years. Ive said it a million times for several silly things. That's not right in my eyes?

People have their own personalities. Some are introverted ....some extroverted. This can't be what's bothering you after all this time. She didn't just become this way. Be careful---you have found a new , fresh person to start a relationship with. It won't be uncommon for you to now justify why it's ok for you to see her and intensify your relationship with her. It sounds like you no longer can see any good traits in your wife. Your marriage will certainly fail unless you make an effort. SEEK counseling.....if you are no longer invested in your marriage then leave. There is no need for you to vilify her if you've fallen out of love. You said there was a huge falling out with your family but don't state a reason (not that you have to). Part of getting what you want (in bed or otherwise)is about speaking up. It sounds like at this point you need a mediator to facilitate communication.....that's where counseling comes in....

There was no praticular reason I have fallen out with my family, its bacsicly lack of interest from my mother etc in my life which gaulls my wife. I can live with it as its my mothers loss. My wife keeps bringing up the past about my family not turning up at certain functions 100 years ago, she cant let it go and it keeps coming up.. So last year I let my mother know all the issues and left it at that. The following few weeks I said id call once or twice. After that I let it go to see if she would make an effort - None.
I have said it to my wife about my needs but it goes in one ear and out again. simple thing last year like dressing up - She thinks its dirty???? Puzzling.

Do you expect her to show up at their functions? It sounds as if your relationship with your family is a separate issue. So--at one point or another in a long relationship there's bound to be some miscommunication . Perhaps she cares but doesn't know how to fix it---particularly your sexual dissatisfaction . That in itself can make a person feel inadequate. I'm not saying save the marriage at the expense of your happiness. But---counseling is helpful because a new person does not mean a clean slate. Experiences will also accumulate with this new person. If you're a poor communicator it'll show with the new person at some point and havoc will ensue. Give yourself a chance to figure out what's eating at you...a third person will completely block any chance of repairing your marriage. Seduction is delicious, new, bright....no old love can compete. Also---there is a high possibility the patterns will repeat themselves, if you can't heal or understand how your first relationship
failed....maybe not initially...when it's exciting, new hot and heavy...but---It will wear off, and you'll be back to square one....

Thanks Germlat.. youve been really helfull directing me to ask questions of myself and others.
The relationship with my family is connected, my family do not turn up at functions, lame excuses, but behind it all I have a good idea that my wife doesnt make them feel welcome. It get me down at times when I have no connection and she has all the connection with her family. So anything we ever do is with her family, she holds the gun for any babysitters etc so the ball is constantly in her court. I would find it hard to comunicate and my wife would be as bad, although more recently I have had to step up and speak my mind.
Your probably totally right there is something eating at me for a while now (Before any 3rd party came on the scene), I hate going home after work, I just dont like being in the house as the atmosphere is not nice, no one talking, vcant ring family, im stuck between a hardstone & a rock.
I may go for a beer then to socialise and chat and I stay out then beyond my normal time and Id talk to anyone and its great but then I pay for it the following 3 weeks and its horrible.
So when I met the new girl then it all seems bright ,new, fresh but i am not mistaken either, I know that if developed this would be only a honeymoon period like all relationships.
With regards to my marriage, my wife refused before to go to councelling as she said its not her its me. Im at my witts end now and sick of it as it is going on too long - gone stale - worn out - has it run its course? as I said in a previous post my wife now sees my disinterest and is worried, so she is making an effort. Before this If i was like a lapdog, she would be giving me cold shoulder for weeks & weeks on end festering the situation further & further.
Im even more confussed.

Consider going to counselling for yourself. Your wife doesn't need to be a part of it. She may want to once she realizes you are serious about making changes to yourself/the relationship.

I'm curious about the babysitting comment. Does your wife not allow you to make babysitting arrangements for your child?

About counseling, Beth...
I went to counseling and he is asking me to tell him about myself.
I am telling, crying and he is just that...listening. Because he needs to
get to know me better. And it is $40 co-pay every week. I don't think so.
Because by the time he will get to know me I will be out of funds and
who gives me assurance that he will help after all?

Your WIFE sounds so unhappy. I wonder why SHE stays in the marriage.

Is it because neither of you has the courage to end this sham of a marriage?

This "new girl" has caught your eye because you are so unhappy and so unfullfilled. You are very vulnerable right now to girls like her. Know that and stay away. All this complicates your situation.

See a divorce lawyer and find out what your financial obligations are and your child custody/visitation rights would be according to the LAW - not according to your wife.

In the US there is "no fault" divorce. If any one of the parties wants a divorce, no one can force you to stay in the marriage. Are you in the US?

I have a feeling your wife will be a troublesome ex-wife. So know your legal rights BEFORE you take any steps.