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Mon 29 Dec, 2014 10:57 am
Question:
What are reasonable expectations in a relationship? When do expectations cross the line?
Scenario:
Facts
I am engaged and my fiancée and I are expecting a baby in July.
She is a vegan.
I had been a vegetarian before for several years (but took a break for 2 years), and decided to become one again during this relationship.
She doesn't cook for herself.
In my opinion, she is a picky eater.
She likes to graze every few hours.
I enjoy 1 or 2 large meals a day.
I don't cook, but have tried to learn for the relationship.
During this holiday season, we have been staying at my single mother's place. I have tried to rearrange our holiday schedule, so that we could take my fiancée to restaurants that catered to vegans (my mother has never cooked and lacks basic things like pots and pans). We have gone shopping for the explicit purpose of finding food that she could eat. Yesterday, however, we didn’t really start our day until 1PM (she has been staying awake till 3AM and sleeping in). I brought her a variety of foods, humus and pita, cliff bars, fruit for her breakfast. Later, we went out for a few hours. Around 4PM she said that she was hungry, so I rearranged our plans to find a place to eat. The closest place served a mediocre meal which she found unappetizing. However, she tried to eat some of it. Later that evening, around 10PM, she became hungry again. I was sleeping (as I have maintained a more normal schedule – 6-7 AM wake up, 10 pm bedtime) and refused to be roused to find her food when I knew that she could have eaten more during dinner and we had more cliff bars, fruit, and humus in the fridge. She came back a second time to look in the kitchen (and I believe to be intentionally loud to wake me). However, I was feeling very resentful because her diet habits have really become a burden. I have no problem with her making her own lifestyle choices. However, when those choices become my responsibility (because she refuses to cook for herself, feed herself, and she expects me to provide all of these things, I have to constantly rearrange my schedule so that she is fed, and she refuses to eat what is provided) I become very resentful. She was furious, called me an asshole, and told me to get away from her. Her argument is that its my duty to provide for all of these things especially while she is pregnant (10 weeks).
So, I went back to sleep.
The problem is this: She thinks it is reasonable that I provide for all of her dietary needs.
Her mother (when she is visiting) still slaves at the kitchen all day to provide her meals.
In all of her previous relationships, the men provided for her meals.
Am I being an ass?
@aligatorman75,
She's over 18.
She can make her own damned food. Everybody's busily and gleefully enabling her.
She's a vegan. Buy her a bag of salad if you want to be helpful. Then she can figure out what she's going to do with it herself.
If she is mature enough to have a child then she is competent enough to make her own food.
And, I might add, since she's both vegan and a picky eater, what does her obstetrician say about her diet? It might not be the best for her baby.
@aligatorman75,
She's a spoiled brat. Stop enabling her brattishness. Tell her what you're prepared to do (for example, in my family I do the grocery shopping and cook a main evening meal) and just do that. Pregnancy isn't a disability. As Jespah said I hope she's getting appropriate antenatal care and dietary advice.
I foresee chaos in your life when the baby is born. If she can't manage her own daily routine I can't see how she's going to cope with the demands of a newborn baby.
@jespah,
Thanks Jespah and Pearlylustre. I wrote out similar conclusions. I wanted to check with the broader public though because there's always a chance that I'm wrong or insensitive.
These were my thoughts:
"My response to this:
You’re an adult woman. You are 24 years old, intelligent, have financial resources, and more than capable of being able to provide yourself food on occasion.
If you are dependent on me providing for all of your meals than you should make yourself available for feeding.
You talk about how inconsiderate I am. However, your rigorous standards for food and the fact that you place the burden on me to fulfill those needs really greatly outweighs any of my inconsideration. Hell, I just fail to say please or thank you to wait staff on occasion.
You’re values require that I provide in all instances for your sustenance. That doesn’t congeal with me.
You are acting like a victim. You are acting like you are powerless. When I do not fully cater my entire life around you, you play this victim card. It gives you great control and power in this relationship. "
@aligatorman75,
Whoa that sounds very deep and meaningful, your last post, in-fact angry. How long have you been with this woman?
No point using words to counteract hers, it's a pointless way of solving a problem.
Go shopping together properly, fill the fridge and pantry, boiling an egg is easy, making toast is easy, chucking a steak on the grill is easy, cook your own meals make a huge salad and share it, at the dinner table and if she wants to graze tell her she can, by herself.
Obviously, her Mother did everything for her and she expects everyone else to do the same.
Apart from food honestly, do you two get along? As it sounds to me that you are building up tension and really want to scream it out to the World.
@aligatorman75,
yikes
food and pregnancy
always a messy combo
Was your fiance able to prepare meals for herself before she became pregnant?
Has a nutrition plan been provided to her through her doctor?
@aligatorman75,
whoa!
that response is not going to go over well
sounds like you've both got some passive-aggressive stuff going on
are you going for premarital counselling to help both of you with your basic communications?
@aligatorman75,
Yes...I was a vegetarian for many years. Nobody need to accommodate to your standards....then she's pregnant. Pregnant ladies are picky and feel vulnerable for their huge belly anyway. Have a little sympathy....and love your pregnant girl. Pregnancy isn't easy...hormones are crazy and your body looks well: Ridiculous with a huge belly in front. Give the girl a little love!
@FOUND SOUL,
FOUND SOUL wrote:
She's 10 weeks pregnant
Yes...and hormones are already playing their role....otherwise he'd posted this scenario before.
@Germlat,
Sure Germ and that is one of his questions however, in reading this quote below, this lady expects and has from her Mother as well as all her previous relationships before becoming pregnant.. Not arguing with you at all, just if it wasn't for the below statement, I perhaps would agree with you.
Quote:
In all of her previous relationships, the men provided for her meals.
@aligatorman75,
"A strange game. The only winning move is not to play".
You are right that you have no obligation to provide for her dietary needs. That doesn't mean that fighting back is reasonable.
Your response is an attack on her. Don't do it. It isn't worth it and it will only escalate your problems with each other.
You can decline to play the game. This means not giving in and not fighting back. Just politely say no and leave it at that. If she demands a reason answer unemotionally. If she tries to fight with you, just say 'I don't see it that way' and leave it at that.
I also vote to not send the note/response. Dying down fire, meet gasoline!
That will not go over well.
I agree that she is likely hormonal but she can pick herself up and deal, just like the rest of us. I know my mother had no trouble cooking for herself and my brother when she was pregnant with me (my brother was 3 1/2 when I was born). There are, I am certain, countless other examples out there.
When you go to the OB/GYN (which you will), ask about getting a referral to a dietician. Your gal needs to learn how to cook for herself. And for your child. I mean, does she go hungry when you're at work?
As Susan Powter used to say, years ago, stop the insanity.
@jespah,
jespah wrote:I know my mother had no trouble cooking for herself and my brother when she was pregnant with me (my brother was 3 1/2 when I was born). There are, I am certain, countless other examples out there.
there are also many examples of women who are simply unable to deal with preparing food and/or eating during pregnancy or during other times of chemical/physical change (menstration/chemotherapy/menopause)
we don't know if her pregnancy is making things more difficult than they would be normally
it seems like she wasn't used to preparing meals for herself before pregnancy.
Pregnancy may or may not be a bad time to start preparing food. That's something she needs to sort out with her ob/gyn. Actual nutritional requirements also need to be sorted.
I definitely recommend some work on communication for the pair of them.
@aligatorman75,
aligatorman75 wrote:because she refuses to cook for herself, feed herself, and she expects me to provide all of these things
are you actually saying you have to feed her, or are you being a touch dramatic for effect?
@FOUND SOUL,
Makes me wonder at what point he deemed this unacceptable....or at what point he's explained this is not going to happen with him.
@Germlat,
True, obviously he noted that her Mother would slave in the kitchen for her daughter on every occasion she was at her home and learnt that she was like this with all other relationships.
Then he saw it for himself. People sometimes are in denial. But his resentment is quite "whoa"... and I suspect it's been eating at him for along time, now coming to a full head.
I wonder "why" people that are not compatible honestly go down the path of marriage and children.
@FOUND SOUL,
FOUND SOUL wrote:
True, obviously he noted that her Mother would slave in the kitchen for her daughter on every occasion she was at her home and learnt that she was like this with all other relationships.
Then he saw it for himself. People sometimes are in denial. But his resentment is quite "whoa"... and I suspect it's been eating at him for along time, now coming to a full head.
I wonder "why" people that are not compatible honestly go down the path of marriage and children.
Maybe the pregnancy thing is too much reality...maybe he realizes now a lifetime commitment is at hand.
@Germlat,
You could be right there.
Sounds as if he's finally come to realisation that this is very real whilst he wants to blame it on the pregnancy he's gone back into what he has been told, seen, knows and realised that it's always been there.
You know? People can be mis-matched and compromise, here's hoping the OP and his fiancé can "compromise" and lead a happy life with their new bub.
@FOUND SOUL,
@ Found Soul
We've been together since March.
If we didn't see each other everyday and we weren't in a relationship, a friendship would work very smoothly. She is a very good person. She is very intelligent, thoughtful, generally considerate, interesting, has purpose, is interesting, I could go on. But, yes. I am angry and resentful. I wanted this to work so much that I compromised on a lot of things. That was a mistake. I still really want this to work. We are going to start seeing a counselor as soon as we get back.
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