Am I wrong?

@ehBeth,

@ ehBeth.
We have had our first OBGYN appointment.
We asked about a dietician but apparently there are none within 3-4 hours of where we live (Las Cruces, NM).
She relied upon TV dinners and cliff bars, mostly. And restaurants.

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@Germlat,

@ Germlat
She's 10 weeks pregnant. She doesn't have a belly. She is 5'9" and approx. 130 lbs.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

@ Found Soul

One of the biggest problems is that I start to doubt whether I am being reasonable. I start thinking to myself that maybe I am just an A hole. That doubt keeps me from taking action. This is interesting because in no other previous relationship have I seriously doubted myself.

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@aligatorman75,

aligatorman75 wrote:

@ Germlat
She's 10 weeks pregnant. She doesn't have a belly. She is 5'9" and approx. 130 lbs.

That's pretty much my profile... But---how come it bothers you now and not before? I'm not trying to grill you but--are you becoming aware this may be a lifetime commitment and feeling resentful.? Has it become a permanent reality and you now resent it? Better think about it....

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@aligatorman75,

All,

My posted "Response" wasn't something that I actually said to her.
When I have arguments, I like to take the time to understand my perspective and hers (I don't always do this but I try) and write down my perspective. I then send her in email what I've written. The idea is that this allows me to be clear, avoids being mean, tries to take her perspective into account, but still allows me to say what doesn't work for me. I have tried to be supportive, kind, and loving in this relationship but sometimes it seems like I am just being weak. Its funny. With 90% of my interactions with other people I can be very blunt and a bit of an A hole

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@maxdancona,

@ Maxdanona

This would difficult but doable. However, a big issue is that oftentimes I think I am being incorrect, insensitive, and mean.

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@aligatorman75,

Hopefully the doc will be able to provide some guidance about food appropriate for a pregnant vegan woman and the nutritional supplements she will need.

Hopefully your fiancee is committed to taking good care of herself and your baby while she is pregnant.

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@ehBeth,

No. That was a childish overreaction. I don't actually feed her. It just seems like she's incapable of feeding herself. This makes no sense because she is college educated, very intelligent (in fact, smarter than me), she's a teacher, and wants to follow me into graduate studies.

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@FOUND SOUL,

I was foolish. I wanted this to work so much that I ignored a lot of "red flags."
It has been eating at me for awhile. I wrote her a long email a few weeks ago that changed her attitude but it doesn't seem to have fixed everything. We are both willing to change and work on ourselves but it can be frustrating.

1 Reply

@aligatorman75,

A lot of people ignore red flags, you can't change someone unless they want to change.

The emails you send make her read and think but perhaps you both should be "talking" instead? You can write down how you feel but for yourself to read, reflect and then once having done so, talk, discuss.

If you are both willing then you both have something in common.

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@aligatorman75,

Stop enabling her. Some woman use pregnancy as a crutch and it should be put to an end now before you become her man servant! As a side note, if you don't get control of this now, it will progress and become worse when you are expected to cater to picky children too.

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@aligatorman75,

Dude don't be an ass a pregnant woman's attitude is gofs way of reminding guys that we helped put here there. You loved her before the pregnancy so you'll love her and your child even more after it. Just stay in there so you can be there.

P.S. Child support is a bitch no questions asked.

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@aligatorman75,

Love comes first

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@aligatorman75,

aligatorman75 wrote:

@ Found Soul
We've been together since March.
If we didn't see each other everyday and we weren't in a relationship, a friendship would work very smoothly. She is a very good person. She is very intelligent, thoughtful, generally considerate, interesting, has purpose, is interesting, I could go on. But, yes. I am angry and resentful. I wanted this to work so much that I compromised on a lot of things. That was a mistake. I still really want this to work. We are going to start seeing a counselor as soon as we get back.

Yep...If this were an important premise in marriage ...many women who prepare daily meals would throw in the towel.

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@aligatorman75,

aligatorman75 wrote:

If we didn't see each other everyday and we weren't in a relationship, a friendship would work very smoothly.

We are going to start seeing a counselor as soon as we get back.

I hope the counselor is able to help you to at least develop a good, strong friendship. Relationships take work and so do friendships.

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I'm not up on this subject lately but I remember reading (at some point) a lot against a vegan diet for babies and toddlers and children a bit older than that. I presume there is literature out there on the net saying it can be done safely, but I haven't read that myself. That would be my first concern in all this, the safety of the child. I think I'd consider going with her to the obstetrician., if she would welcome it.

1 Reply

@aligatorman75,

I have a bunch of cousins in Las Cruces, NM, I can ask some of them. There has to be a nutritionist or dietician somewhere closer or at least something online. What about hospitals near you? They must have dietitians.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I just reread and see I missed a batch of posts. Good on going to the obstetrician with her.

Um, Albuquerque, which seems far, might not be, to talk with a good nutritionist, maybe even online. I drove from Deming to Abq fast one day..

I'm a fan of UNM hospital, but I've not been there about that. The hospital has a pretty good website, if you nose around.

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@glitterbag,

That would be awesome! Thank you

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It would seem a nanny or at least a housekeeper is in your future. (Perhaps her own mother would do)

She is a teacher? That means she will be working after the birth - or staying home on maternity leave?

Not everyone has domestic talents or desires. You have listed several of her attributes, cooking and cleaning and perhaps motherhood MAY not be in that list. Get prepared.

As I've said before: Love it as it is; Leave it; or someone has to change.

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