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Sat 27 Dec, 2014 12:09 pm
I never expected anything like this to ever happen to me.
So I had a female friend of mine from Spain come visit me in California for two weeks. There was nothing previously between us that was anything about us being in a relationship or anything beyond platonic friendship. Long story short, I guess I never really knew her because I began to really like her after about 5 days of being together (we were together at all times).
Anyway, I told her my feelings and she just sort of ignored them and told me that she didn't feel the same way and that she may feel different towards the end of her stay. At this point I changed the way I talked to her, I flirted with her a lot and became more aggressive (more touching and sometimes I would try and grab her). She always smiled and laughed when I tried to flirt with her but whenever I tried to kiss her she would always say no or pull away she would also ignore me if i told her that i thought she was beautiful. She also told me that I was the closest she has ever felt towards another man and I was like a brother to her.
In a very strange turn of events, she would let me touch her sexually and even finger her but nothing more. We eventually did kiss but she made sure to tell me that it meant nothing.
However, when she eventually returned home she began to send me many messages about how much she missed me and how I was doing many things right and how "it somehow worked" and how she missed my security and silly jokes and even my massages. We flirted with each other for a little while, then I told her that I wanted to pursue a relationship with her (no labels or exclusivity just that I wanted to be with her)
She then told me that she felt sexual attraction to me but nothing more, no love, and that if I did come to see her, it would just be us meeting new people and partying and sex but she saw no future relationship with me. She also said that I was everything that she would want to be with and that she would be that happiest girl in the world if she met someone like me, which confused me even more.
Anyway this whole scenario made me very confused and I felt very very hurt because I felt used, but my question is what happened? I thought that if two people are really good friends and are mutually sexually attracted to each other then they would make for a good relationship, maybe my view on relationships is all wrong.
@electricjelly,
Are you considering moving to Spain to be with the woman permanently?
@electricjelly,
electricjelly wrote:
She also said that I was everything that she would want to be with and that she would be that happiest girl in the world if she met someone like me, which confused me even more.
My suggestion is to get out of there right now. You don't seem to have the temperament to deal with this particular kind of insanity.
Warning, user, red light.
You're from California?
What she REALLY meant was "If I met a guy here like you, he would be everything that I would want to be with and that I would be that happiest girl in the world."
I don't find that confusing at all.
So - you'd better plan on traveling to see her and see if you can be "that guy." - or she's going to look for a guy just like you.
@PUNKEY,
I offered many times to fly out to visit her but she told me that she just wanted to be friends with benefits, that I would be her "closest and best guy friend ever". She told me" for marriage no, for fun and party yes." I never told her I wanted to get married, but anyway it just seemed too unrealistic and dreamy to fly out there to try and convince her to love me back. I mean how much can I do in two weeks? Even three? I just felt that I would only fall more in love with her and only end up more hurt because I was trying so hard. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to me that I should only do this if the feeling was already mutual, not if it could POSSIBLY happen.
@electricjelly,
Skip this gal, she's playing with you. Take some time, meet more people and cross this gal off your list of friends.
@electricjelly,
You talk about travelling to visit her.
Would you move there permanently if there was a relationship?
@electricjelly,
I read this as her understanding that there is no point of a relationship since you live in different places. She would like a person like you - but where she is.
That makes a lot of sense to me.
________
One of my very favourite A2Kers ever had a situation like this about a decade ago. Guy she was mad for, that she travelled to spend time with. She realized neither of them would leave their families - he had/has kids, she has parents/siblings etc. The perfect guy on the wrong continent.
@ehBeth,
I remember that.
Take your point.
This situation..
I take it as not as dense.
She is not into you but used up 2 weeks of her life to see you? Oh, right, she used it seeing California, you just happened to be there.....providing room and board I'll bet.
@hawkeye10,
I don't think she was using me at all, I mean if you think about it, if I just didn't have such feelings for her it would mean I would have free room and board plus sex from her with no strings attached if I flew out to see her. Seems like a good deal if I just didn't love her, and want to have a future together with her.
Anyway, thanks guys for all the help, it gave me some good perspective and I guess the way I see it, if we ever found ourselves in similar situations then things may work out differently.
One more question though, do you think I should pursue maintaining a friendship with her, if not how should I end it?
@electricjelly,
I cant fathom why you would invest in a girl who is a $1100 rt 15 hour plane ride away, especially since she had her chance and not much happened. Has California developed a girl shortage?
Quote:I don't think she was using me at all
Quote:Anyway this whole scenario made me very confused and I felt very very hurt because I felt used,
filed under " things that make you go Hmmmmm"
Oh Crap, this is a situation where I have to agree with HE
@hawkeye10,
I will re phrase it, I meant that I don't think that she was using me in the way that you implied like it didn't matter if I was here or not. I felt used in the sense that I really fell for someone and tried really hard to get her and it wasn't recipricated. Like I made her feel special while I got hurt.
I can't tell you why I fell for her and it has nothing to do with the women here in the U.S. I dont think you can control who you are attracted to. this also happened to be my first time falling in love so it is a pretty intense feeling for me, and I wanted to seek closure as I was willing to change my whole life around if she wanted me in the same way. Maybe it's silly but I'm pretty young and I have no responsibilities except to myself so the thought of moving to Europe seems pretty exciting.
@electricjelly,
Quote:Maybe it's silly but I'm pretty young and I have no responsibilities except to myself so the thought of moving to Europe seems pretty exciting.
You are a trust fund baby I take it.
Quote: I felt used in the sense that I really fell for someone and tried really hard to get her and it wasn't recipricated. Like I made her feel special while I got hurt.
Ya, I get that you dont understand women. You were the male equivalent of a slut, and women are not generally going to feel "special" as a result, they are going to feel like they are hanging out with a chump. There is plenty of time to learn, but do your learning on women who live near by, it is a lot cheaper, and since you get to see them more often the learning goes faster.
@hawkeye10,
No trust fund here, but I don't need to address that, it doesn't relate to the question.
But I'm curious how I was the male equivalent of a slut, I thought it was that I tried and it didn't work out the way that I hoped it would and it was also doomed from the start.
@electricjelly,
electricjelly wrote:Maybe it's silly but I'm pretty young and I have no responsibilities except to myself so the thought of moving to Europe seems pretty exciting.
Yes, it's pretty exciting when you have a) a visa, b) know the language and c) have a work permit. Since she's from Spain and the unemployment rate is extremely high, especially with young people, I don't think you'll even get
a work permit, let alone an extended visa.
You certainly can dream on though, doesn't cost you anything, but reality is something you should consider nonetheless.
@CalamityJane,
Quote: Since she's from Spain and the unemployment rate is extremely high, especially with young people, I don't think you'll even get
a work permit, let alone an extended visa.
Exactly. Young spanish people are leaving spain to find work because they have no other options, any idea that a young american is going to be able to go to spain and support himself borders on insanity. Thus I assumed a trust fund. My bad.
@CalamityJane,
Quote: You certainly can dream on though, doesn't cost you anything, but reality is something you should consider nonetheless..
todays young people were told often and firmly that they can be what ever they want to be, that dreams come true, and that they are special.......lack of contact with reality is to be expected. They will in time learn, and the lesson will be painfully won.
"But, But, But, I wanted her! It should have worked! Did you hear the part about how I threw myself at her?"
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