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Sun 14 Dec, 2014 10:44 pm
Me and my girlfriend were together for 2 1/2 years and had a baby together. I'm 23, she is 20... We broke up 4 months ago, but the past few weeks we have tried to make things work. She began contacting me outside of conversation regarding our daughter, and I was very reluctant to respond for the first couple weeks. Eventually I gave in, and decided to hang out with her. I only gave in because I still had feelings for her and wanted closure from the situation, although the break up was bad.. Long story short, she had a pretty rough up-bringing and has had TERRIBLE influences all of her life. As a result, she has some insecurity issues and a tough time opening up, communicating, accepting responsibility, and has never been around a normal, functioning, loving relationship in her life.
So there were plenty of jealousy issues and questioning my love constantly and other issues, however, I thought she was absolutely perfect for me. I saw her as a diamond in the rough. Not only was I extremely physically attracted to her, but I was also absolutely enamored with her mind and how intelligent and deep I thought she was and how tender hearted she seemed at her core and something about her just made me want to love her so much and save her from her tough life. To this day I still find myself excusing her for some of the things she has done, only because I know it's really not her fault deep down. She's only behaving in ways that are so strongly intertwined in her from her environment.
Although I do realize she HAS to take responsibility in order to induce change to the things she does which cause problems, I just can’t blame her fully in my mind. So anyways, I was pushed away at first and I began to engage in heated arguments with her where we both said hurtful things. I was just so defeated and worn down from her constant jealousy and doubts of my love. Nothing I did was ever enough. I couldn’t go 10 minutes without responding to a call or text without her being very upset. Things just really turned me into someone else and we both really made each other feel hurt after a while.
So moving on, I just want a chance to do EVERYTHING I can and see if I can salvage things with the mother of my daughter, that way I can have peace of mind I’ve done all I can… Problems have already occurred, however, and they have primarily stemmed from her not being fully committed to trying to make things work. I have helped her so much the past couple of weeks and have uplifted her and spoken to her so articulately and opened up to her and just try to put my all into letting go of past problems and ensuring she always feels understood with no judgement.
But I sensed a distant from her and tried to talk to her and tell her we wouldn’t be able to make it work if she wasn’t all the way in and I tried to explain it’s hard to love someone completely and give them my all when I can tell there’s a lack of affection and a distance to how she acts. She always always always get defensive when I try to open up from my heart, and I try to word things PERFECTLY and NEVER make her feel like she’s being attacked. I tell her in the most sincere and genuine way and just explain how I personally feel about things and how things affect me, but she says what I’m saying is dumb and has even said I’m stupid and annoying.
Now mind you, I’m very alpha male and very aggressive in sports and have a lot of pride, however, I also believe myself to be highly intelligent and extremely in tune with my emotions. She has even criticized me opening up before and had the nerve to say I sound like a bitch before, and that was one of the things that turned me cold before. This time around, though, I have told her that I will never be made to feel bad or weak for saying and doing whatever I can to build a strong bond with my girl. And I said she should appreciate being with someone who has the ability to open up fully and has the awareness to actually pin-point certain issues and the know how to be able to determine the best way to handle situations. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m perfect by any means, and I’ll always have room to learn and grow in relationships, but I have read EXTENSIVELY about how to make relationships work and what causes the demise of relationships. And I love this girl very much and just want to make things work, so I have been determined to make things right.
I try to be so clear and reasonable with her, so it really does kill me inside when she just rejects the things I say and doesn’t communicate back. She has always had a hard time opening up. She will say she doesn’t feel understood, but won’t give me a chance to understand. Then I try to open up to her, and she acts like it’s painful to even listen… Anyways, I have tried to talk to her and bring down her barrier and tap into who I know she REALLY IS, but she’s been so on and off. Mind you, I believe this girl has unbelievable potential, but she’s just so damaged from certain stuff. She has things that are strongly embedded in her and I just know if she were to overcome these things, she would be absolutely perfect. I have seen the true her and I know at her core, she is perfect for me. I don’t want to sound naïve or cliché, but she really is perfectly compatible with me in her spirit…
She has even admitted she is on and off, and says she has doubts if we can make it work. I have told her that those doubts are completely reasonable, and I want there to be the least amount of pressure and stress possible. But I asked her to just try to make a decision then if she really wants to move forward or not, because it’s unfair to me to give my all, and to have her just say she doesn’t feel the same way after so long. I just wanted her to really try to make it work, which required her opening up to me and not being distant from me and actually letting down her guard. We have actually had some really good days together. Days where I’ve had her laughing all through the day and we have nothing but positive exchanges and she actually—which was so so so very rewarding and rare—opened up and broke down crying during a car ride home from somewhere. She said at that moment she remembered how much she loves me. But then, the next day she will say the relationship is too much stress and she doesn’t want to be together. This has happened several times
She will be having a bad day or her she will be stressed or whatever it may be, and she will somehow attribute it to the relationship. Last night while I was sleeping, she sent several texts saying how much she loved me and how cute I was and everything. Then today she got upset about something I said and said she just couldn’t do it anymore. She said she doesn’t want to have to love someone, and show affection to someone, and to be in a relationship. She said she just wants to focus on our daughter. I told her that it shouldn’t feel like work and that I have done everything I can to make her life easier (which I have done a ton the last few weeks). I asked if it was really that difficult to say I love you every once in a while and to actually kiss me the rare times she does. Besides the first 2 times we hung out, she has been withholding sex because I think she fears that’s all I want. We used to have a great sex life and plenty of sex, but I haven’t tried pressuring her into it. Although I have tried to make some advances, she has gotten upset and said to be patient with stuff.
I just don’t get how she can be cuddled up in bed with me the other night and wanting me to stay in bed with her longer in the morning and she can act like she really wants to try, then she just goes cold the next day. She says thinks she wants to be together, but other times she remembers she doesn’t want to be. We eventually got into an argument and I actually finally gave in and said some nasty things. She was saying she doesn’t even like being around me and she tried to fake it but couldn’t and said she was pretty much just trying to use me to do stuff… I actually ended up feeling bad, as usual, and explained I didn’t mean any of what I say. It’s typical for me to write long paragraphs and get extremely y short responses. But she actually said “sorry” this time. That’s the best it gets with accountability for her. Although I will admit that getting a sorry or “I’m sorry” from her is monumental in itself. She has even managed to admit she has some issues a few times, but doesn’t address anything beyond that… I just wish this wasn’t so hard. I absolutely love this girl more than anything and when I’m not with her I’m in pain from the constant thoughts of our failed relationship, and when I’m with her my mind is in constant limbo and I don’t know what to expect. Has anyone experienced anything like this? What thoughts do you have on any aspect of what I have said? I just desperately want some perspective and peace of mind. I’m going crazy with this stuff......
As I'm submitting this question/novel, she actually just texted me "I'm sorry"... I'm not sure if it's because I won't be doing anything for her anymorem or if she's actually sorry.
These Pygmalion things never really work out.
Stop making her feel inferior. (And that includes your other post about her not being able to climax)
You sound like you see yourself as a perfectionist. Do you realize how boring that is to live with, not to mention a great pressure?
@PUNKEY,
My previous post is something I have wanted advice on for a while now, but I just found this website, so I asked them at about the same time to get some feedback and maybe try to understand things from a different perspective... I love to view things outside of my realm of thought. I don't like being biased or firmly holding views that could be potentially damaging in any area of my life. I'm very open-minded.
And I have never had any intentions of making her feel inferior, but quite the opposite. I could understand how my post could come off as that of a perfectionist, but that's just an indication of how strongly I want things to be better. I literally want to do EVERYTHING I can that's going to breed positivity and growth in this relationship. However, I'm very conscious to make sure I'm not pressuring her too much. I just want her to open up and not dismiss me when I'm being genuine. Is that too much to ask? I mean, after 2 years, wouldn't it be reasonable for someone to want their girlfriend to be able to communicate more effectively; with the ultimate goal of better communication being that we resolve conflict far better and it prevents any resentment from growing in the relationship. Who wouldn't want to do whatever they can, the right way, to improve their relationship?
Also, I always say uplifting things to her and do whatever I can to make her life easier. So it's difficult when I have to endure up and down emotions constantly and I can be made to feel like an object that is expendable at any moment. I feel I deserve more respect than that... And if that's "too much pressure", then I don't want to be with anyone who feels valuing my thoughts and feelings as a chore anyways.
After TWO YEARS of her just not "getting it." (in so many ways, according to you) it's time to cut the ties.
Find someone you don't have to work so HARD on to perfect or figure out.
Let her find someone that loves her just the way she is, and doesn't try to change her.
@James55,
what do you feel about your daughter? ALL Ive read is some stuff that's YOU centered.
A full life with love and stuff is giving and nurturing not just expecting to get some tang everyday
@farmerman,
farmerman wrote:
what do you feel about your daughter? ALL Ive read is some stuff that's YOU centered.
A full life with love and stuff is giving and nurturing not just expecting to get some tang everyday
You got that **** right.
All I kept thinking while reading this (well, the first couple of paragraphs, I scanned the rest) was if it ever occured to him that he's got to support his child, financially at least.
Here's a new perspective for ya bub, and a sure path to peace of mind....
Make sure you give more than adequate money for your daughter to be fed, clothed, taken care of medically and educated.
@PUNKEY,
That's such a cop out, though... Let's just say, for instance, someone is a compulsive liar and lies to their partner every day. Would it be unreasonable for the other partner to want them to change this behavior? Yes it is hard work to try to get them to correct this if it is something that is deeply entrenched in their nature, but if they have so many other qualities that match you perfectly, it's not so easy to give up.
Also, let's say someone leaves the partner who is a compulsive liar so she can find someone "that loves her just the way she is"... The problem is, she will continue to be a compulsive liar which will ruin any relationship she is in. Wouldn't it be easier for her to just change this behavior, rather than go through numerous destructive relationships in hopes of finding "someone that just loves her the way she is"?
If someone has a quality in them that will inevitably cause a rift in any relationship; E.g. she's extremely jealous, she never takes responsibility and only blames her partner for all problems, she refuses to listen or make compromises and belittles her partner... Then wouldn't ANYONE with this person wish for her to improve in these areas? These negative traits aren't "who she is"... That's a victims mentality. Whenever you just start believing that negative traits such as being a compulsive liar are "just a part of who you are", that's when you negate any progression towards changing these behaviors. You're pretty much just saying "Oh well! Nothing I can do about it because it's a permanent part of me". That's bull. That's being void of responsibility for these attributes.
I don't want to change who she is. I love her CORE qualities, what make her who she REALLY is. I love how deeply she can think and how she's able to ponder profound concepts and her ability to be so kind hearted at times and I love how funny and care-free she can be at times, in addition to other qualities. However, her always behaving as a victim and never wanting to listen or compromise and disrespecting me when I open up to her has nothing to do with who she really is. Her true qualities are innate in nature and formed very early in her life. However, the negative things I speak of that cause problems in our relationship stem from issues that she's experienced during her upbringing which only taint her great qualities. It isn't "who she is" at all. She has seen terrible examples for relationships (and when I say terrible, I mean literally unfathomable for most people), she has had to endure some abuse, and she has had to be on her own for a long time. She has DEVELOPED some issues that in no way at all "is who she is"...
So wouldn't she just rather address these issues and overcome problems and insecurities that stem from horrible circumstances? Because if they go unattended, they will seap into EVERY relationship she has and cause the same issues. She will never be able to really feel fully happy and content... So wouldn't it just be easier to do her best at working through these issues and first, accepting that these issues exist? I would think that would be anyones desire, to correct things they do wrong to improve their relationship(s).
@farmerman,
I didn't fully discuss my daughter because she has nothing to do with my relationship with her mother. The issues I brought up are completely outside of her. I mentioned her because that gives insight into how tough it is to completely split with the mom. However, my little girl is my world. She absolutely loves me and I adore her with everything I have. I live for her, literally. She gives my life purpose... I will do, and currently do, anything and everything to make her life the best it can possibly be. I will do everything in my power to ensure my daughter has the happiest life she can. She means more to me than myself... And I know what it's like to have bad parents and a rough up-bringing, so I'm aware of how important it is for me to have a strong relationship with her... She's already a daddy's girl. Her first word was da da, and now she's saying daddy.
And I don't expect "to get some tang everyday"... I just want an open and loving relationship with the mother of my child. I guess that's too much to ask, though.
@chai2,
Refer to my response to the other guy
@James55,
James55 wrote:
I didn't fully discuss my daughter because she has nothing to do with my relationship with her mother.
Are you kidding me?
If it wasn't for your relationship with her mother, she wouldn't be here.
She's got Everything to do with everything in your life.
What a jerk you are.
I've been listening, forming impressions.
I think James likely does care about his daughter and I won't discount that he gets it re being in her life. Maybe not, but I don't know he doesn't.
I have a sense of two people so different that the kind of romance James is seeing in his literate way is out of sync with anything happening, a tour of unreality. The love of her core person is poetic, and I don't doubt it, but his need for her to understand him seems like flying a kite. Sounds mean, but zillions of people have walked there.
I'd say it's time for practicalities.
@chai2,
Let me rephrase that for you; my daughter has nothing to do with the issues between me and her mother. I made this post solely for the purpose of getting some feedback from people who may have experienced similar issues in their relationships with other people... My daughter being mentioned has NOTHING to do with solving the underlying issues that cause problems in my relationship with her mom. You sound like you have some issues yourself, Chai. You're obviously bitter and a sad person by the way you've attempted to attack someone who is merely searching for some insight into dealing with problems in their relationship. You have no idea who I am, and you have no clue about the relationship I have with my daughter... It's obvious you're hurting. You probably identify with my girlfriend and you're also someone who is insecure and can't own up to problems, therefore you've chosen to attack me because you probably also defend your irrational behaviors the same way other weak people do. I feel sorry for people like you
@James55,
Let me rephrase this for you.
You're a great big jerk.
Plus, you're obviously someone else who posts here and just took a new name, as you wouldn't have known to address me with a name that isn't my user name. No newcomer would have done that.
@ossobuco,
I'm not here to defend my relationship with my daughter. Also, my daughter lives with me. I'm the one that takes care of her 90% of the time. Her mom actually goes days and weeks without seeing her sometimes. I'm not going to go into detail on things much more than that, but you would be hard-pressed to find someone that loves their child more than I love mine. She's my heart, my purpose... I just don't see any purpose discussing my relationship with my daughter or mentioning her in any great detail when this is a forum created with the only intentions being to have new perspective and try to understand things in the relationship with my girlfriend. I don't ever drag my daughter in the middle of me and her mom's issues. There's no reason for that. And for people to look down on me for not doing so is pathetic and I feel bad for the likely state of their own lives...
Moreover, do you believe it's unrealistic or unreasonable to want your partner to understand you? And I don't ask that she be super-woman or completely understand me, I just want her to TRY to understand me. All I ask is that she not cut me off EVERY TIME I OPEN UP. I just ask that she not belittle me or make me feel like I'm being annoying for expressing things that I feel. She feels like she's being attacked or has to respond defensively when I open up to her about things that hurt me in our relationship. Although I'm very careful about my wording and I explain that I'm hurt by certain things sometimes and I just want her to at least listen. Her sediments are congruent with the victim mentality of Punkey, however, and she acts like it's impossible for her to listen to me... But who wants to be belittled and made to feel like a fool for opening up? Nobody should ever feel that way by someone they love so much.
Not only that, but this is a girl who has cried to me many times because of her insecure thoughts. She has accused me numerous times of cheating (which I have never done), and has questioned my love nearly every single day before we broke up the first time. I always always always listen to her and comfort her and say whatever I can to assure her of any doubts she may have. I love her, so listening to her and putting her mind at ease comes natural for me. I'm not sure why I should be made to feel bad because I just ask that she listen without interrupting or judging me... And the things I say are very sincere and heart-felt. I don't say anything in attempts of making a jab at her or making her feel inferior.
Ultimately, I just want the best love I can with this girl where we're both completely content. I don't care what I have to do to achieve that, me being right isn't my goal. I'm just trying to figure out what I can do to make things right in the relationship.
@chai2,
I feel bad for anyone that has to interact with you on any basis in real life. You're obviously miserable and probably suck the life out of everyone around you. There's a reason you've had so much turmoil in the relationships you've had in your life--romantic or not... Don't ask me how I know that. Just assume I'm psychic...
And how sad. You've just confirmed how pathetic your life is. So is this a site where you spend a lot of time? It's funny to me when there are people on certain sites who feel like they're entitled to some type of privileged opinion because they spend so much time on said site. I'm sure you spend most of your time on websites like this because of how lonely your life is... However, I actually did just discover this website yesterday. I typed in something along the lines of "relationship advice forums" and a link appeared on either the first or second page. And in reference to your name, all I did was mention your name without the 2 behind it. How would that be any indication of anything? You're dense and very oblivious.
@James55,
I sympathize -
"Moreover, do you believe it's unrealistic or unreasonable to want your partner to understand you? And I don't ask that she be super-woman or completely understand me, I just want her to TRY to understand me." I'd guess she has tried, but still has a hard time and wants you to change (in whatever ways).
On the other hand, I think this is unlikely -
"Ultimately, I just want the best love I can with this girl where we're both completely content. I don't care what I have to do to achieve that, me being right isn't my goal."
That's the romance, and possibly the savior, dream that I think you have bought into.
You asked.
@ossobuco,
I appreciate your time and for responding to my post in a sincere manner.
Unfortunately, it's hard for someone to truly grasp the dynamics in my relationship in only a few pages of typing. Ever since we have begun, though, she has had a very difficult time listening to me when serious things have come up. She has literally said before "I just don't feel like listening to you"... She feels like we should just sweep things under the rug, per say, and just continue along like nothing has ever happened. The problem is, though, that builds resentment in a relationship and only causes more problems later on. I've tried being articulate as possible and explaining that ignoring certain things will just cause further problems if we just close off communication, and to a degree I think she understands, but it's like she's cringing the whole time I'm talking about stuff. And deep down in her heart I know she understands some stuff, because in her own ways, she will make it apparent she feels bad sometimes and will try to make it up to me...
I just want her to be so completely open and I want our bond to be so deep we can say whatever is on our minds without feeling bad or feel like we're walking on egg shells. But apparently I guess that is an unattainable fantasy.
@James55,
You are not the same people; she likes you (perhaps mostly) but wishes for peace from the psychologist's nattering the livelong day (just guessing), a girl (girl?) who is expected to improve. Always a task to be performed so she can reform.
I dunno. Good luck.
@ossobuco,
The thing is, I'm not even the one that does the nagging in the relationship. I used to have to ask her to just relax several times in the past. I don't even want it to be this complicated. I just want to be best friends with her and experience life together...
The problem is, she expects my full attention when she has something on her mind. But when I actually do try to talk about something serious the seldom times I do, I get dismissed.
I don't know. It really is just best to move on. I just wanted a chance to do all I could, that way I wouldn't feel regret moving on for good because I know nothing I do could have made it work.
"I just want her to TRY to understand me. All I ask is that she not cut me off EVERY TIME I OPEN UP."
You sound like the critical parent with her, demanding that she sit there and listen to your lecture of how and what she should do to be how you want her to be.
You are not grasping the truth: You can NOT change someone. Her "core" is not changeable, in spite of you saying that you like her core, then list all the things she has to change.
Give it up, man. You insecurity comes off as being quite controlling.
Let the lady be.
BTW - is this the GF you talk about who you think she doesn't climax and you want to have it your way, too?
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