going on a trip with your spouse and his female friend

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My husband and I have been married for 6 months, most of which we lived apart cos he works in one country and me in another. We have visited a few times. I am finally joining him and he plans a trip to a little island and invites a female friend he is close to (not that she and I are even friends. I have her once before the marriage and that's it) with the excuse that she told him about the place and he really wants to c this place so thought it fair to invite her. I said yes, though not too comfortable with her coming. He has booked and made payments only for us to realise I might not make it on time. He said he would then have to go with his friend alone which I objected to and brought about a big fight. It now seems I can make it but told him I do not want to go with her and the argument started again. I think what hurts me the most is the fact that he is putting how she will feel about asking her not to go above how I feel. That is very disturbing. Makes me wonder if they do have something going on I am not aware of. His excuse is 'its not a romantic trip, just a sight seeing trip. I have lived most part of our marriage alone and if I wanted something to happen it would have'. My point is, he basically spends his Friday nights in the company of this girls and some others, and a couple of times spent the night there because it was too late for him to go home which I didn't object to. But going on a trip to a foreign land with any girl, let alone that particular girl is not acceptable. He seems not to get it and says I am calling him a potential cheat. This is driving me crazy and I do not know what to do or who to speak to. Please help. Am I exaggerating or is he just being naive/unreasonable?

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@newhere,

NO, NO, NO.
She stays behind.
Some cultures allow, even endorse 'mistress's', usually only because she, (the wife), knows he couldn't afford a divorce, (she'd clean him out) and because the sex maniac is a disrespectful lout and she prefers her own bed anyway.
Please plan on the comfort of finding a new man that would never consider such a ludicrous idea. The honest, loving, considerate ones out there would absolutely never consider such a thing.
Go back to church, get involved, you'll find a man. Or many to choose from.

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"Am I exaggerating or is he just being naive/unreasonable?"

How about your being BLIND?!

But more info is needed. You say she is his "friend". Come on, you should be able to figure out if there are sparks there, or if she truely is in the "friend zone." (Yes, I've seen this kind of relationship before, but the girl was a lesbian, so the guy was "safe" and his wife knew that)

You need to get assured on exactly what this girl - and all the others - are in his life. Does he have a lot of girlfriends, and flaunting them in front of you - or is he the hanger-oner with a bunch of lesbians?

And - you know what - you are second best in all this, whatever it ends up being. THAT's the real issue, isn't it?

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@newhere,

Sounds like he may not be comfortable going on a romantic trip alone with you.

Did you have a romantic relationship before you were married?

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@ehBeth,

We did have and still have a romantic relationship. Everything seemed so perfect. And though he has cancelled the trip because I asked him to and acts all lovey dovey now, I still cannot comprehend it.

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@PUNKEY,

I met the girl only once, shortly before we got married. He took me to her's to introduce me. They seemed like just friends. They went to graduate school together and are now working in the same company though in different departments.

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@JBKSeattle,

Our marriage is just 6 months old. I still love him and don't think I can get over him. I am praying this is just him being naive.

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@newhere,

This is awkward for everyone.

His friends where he lives, and a wife who he has been in a long distance relationship with.

I think you may have been unnecessarily suspicious but you won't really ever know.

Hopefully things will become more comfortable for all of you once you are living with your husband.

Try to trust your husband. Try to start on the positive side. This is going to be a job for both of you.

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@newhere,

I don't think he's being naive.

Living without you means that his friendships where he lives will be very important to him.

I think you need to be fair about recognizing that.

Most people in long distance relationships need to have strong relationships where they live and do not spend all their free time mooning over the person who is not with them.

You are both going to have some adjusting to do as you start your married life together. Had you lived together before you were married?

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@newhere,

Look at this from your husband's point of view.

If I understand correctly, he asked you and you said 'yes'. It was only then that he invited his friend. It may have been a 'yes' with reservations... but you did say 'yes'. Now he has to go back to his friend and change it after she already has made plans (and is probably excited about the trip).

It would have been much better (and kinder) for you to have said 'no' in the first place.

You need to talk this out with your husband, and he should listen to how you feel. But you should also realize that he is now in a difficult position. And assuming that he is being above board (and you should trust your husband)... he also is going to feel bad that you suspect him.

Talk it out.

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@JBKSeattle,

Sorry to tell you, but as a man...this is not naivety. Every single one of 'us' has a genetic nature of procreation. Thousands of men died and complete cultures and nations were exterminated because of this uncontrollable need. Even G_Ds chosen, Solomon had hundreds of wives. We are all wicked, every one of us, and only the help from the G_D/man Chist can these fallen natural desires be quelled.

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@JBKSeattle,

JBKSeattle wrote:

Sorry to tell you, but as a man...this is not naivety. Every single one of 'us' has a genetic nature of procreation. Thousands of men died and complete cultures and nations were exterminated because of this uncontrollable need. Even G_Ds chosen, Solomon had hundreds of wives. We are all wicked, every one of us, and only the help from the G_D/man Chist can these fallen natural desires be quelled.

What the hell are you talking about?

There is not a single country that has been exterminated because of procreation. That doesn't even make any sense... a country that doesn't procreate ceases to exist.

Since when is having children considered "wicked"?

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going on a trip with your spouse and his female friend

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