Sat 20 Sep, 2014 06:12 pm
Hi. My BF (50 yrs) and I have had past issues starting when he got a text msg from his ex describing in detail how she was masturbating. Text arrived when we were both looking at his phone, expecting a text from someone else. Her "name" on the text was a guy's name (BF had her programmed on his phone as "Ed"). More stuff after that, including his ads on sex websites like Edit [Moderator]: Link removed. And lying about his planning to "just meet for dinner" a woman who had earlier proposed a 3some with he and another guy and had invited my bf to sex clubs), We have now reconciled b/c he says he will not lie anymore. We had a "heart to heart" talk and it was decided that we need to be open and honest no matter what and that, for now, it would be a good idea to keep phones, computer, etc. open so everyone can feel that there's nothing being hidden.
Another decision we made: because of all the sexual-related lying (texts, sex ads) he offered to give me a breather and not watch porn for now b/c I had all these images in my head of all his sex ad pics and texts and he wanted me to get my head cleared of "other women" stuff as we focused on each other. I told him I wasn't sure that was a good idea because everyone seems to watch porn. He insisted it would NOT be a hard thing to do (I am sexy, wild in the bedroom and we have sex constantly - I have never refused him, always initiate and there isn't anything I won't do in the bedroom).
Well, a few days later I saw that right after that conversation he went home and watched porn on his IPAD. I deleted the links so my daughter wouldn't see the sites (she uses his Ipad). He was very upset and swore he wouldn't do it again. I told him that it's better if he simply doesn't make promises like "no porn", but again, he insisted that he was going without porn for now. A few days later (after we had been having sex 3 or more times a day), I went to his house and went to delete his history from his Ipad, just in case. I saw that he had deleted his history right before I came over (and even took additional steps to make sure websites didn't show under data). He had never done that before. Also, there is no "automatic" clearing feature and he would never clear history in order to make the IPAD faster or for technical reasons. When I mentioned the lack of browsing history he admitted deleting it (and also the back up/cache) right before I came over. He said there was "nothing on there" to be concerned about and no porn, either. That he didn't know why he deleted and scrubbed. He did it "just because".
I know there are a zillion issues here (kid using IPAD, lying issues, snooping issues, etc.) and a bunch of opinions out there about trust, porn, etc. I also know I have a lot bigger issues to resolve here. But....just out of curiosity, I am asking that, for now, readers please just answer this narrow question: Given our past, what do you believe the chances are that the deleted websites were porn or some other sexual website? From 0% to 100%, what is your guess? Thanks for your input and please, don't skewer me!
Secrecy is degeneracy. Secrets have never been used in a positive way that is truly beneficial and productive to our social translations. They drag us down into an abyss that is socially feared and rationalized until silence consumes us. Always speak - always beat the spiral.
Oh, two more things: First, I realize that his sex ads aren't the same thing as "watching porn". Second, the "breather from porn" wasn't just to help clear my mind of all the website ads and other images. The other reason was b/c porn recently became a sore topic when my daughter found a huge stack of graphic porn mags at his house. We are both there often and there's no debate that she found them innocently...the dog was stuck up on top of a high bookshelf in his basement and she went to get her and...there were the mags. What sucks is that my BF was right there, knew she found the mags, yet he didn't move them after that. Until I found out a month later from my daughter and I asked him to move them.
Has your daughter ever been touched by him? Have you ever thought about this question? It would be mighty irresponsible of you to ignore that possible reality, while she suffers to keep you happy.
@One Eyed Mind,
I am a mother hen and feel certain that he hasn't gone near her. He put his sex ads up at a time when he was freaking out that we might break up (over his lying issues, ironically). He was distraught and in the ads, said how his heart had been broken, etc. He wasn't seeking young women. Also, his porn isn't young women. And...he never looks funny at my daughter or gives me any reason to think there is an issue. He was mortified that she found his magazines.
Fair enough. It is always something that isn't nice to think about, but it has to be considered at any given time for the safety of our loved ones in a world where natural forces tend to consume unnatural enforcers.
Are you aware of why your man is so caught up in porn? Why does he do so much for a 10 second orgasm?
@One Eyed Mind,
Hi One Eyed Mind. Thanks again for your reply. I totally agree with you about safety and with this guy's history with "bad choices sexually", I am very on guard to make sure there is nothing awry. To be honest, if I had found in that HUGE stack of magazines even one that was "Asian Porn", I would have run away for good even if it was mature women (my kid is Asian). Too much history with him to risk it.
As for your porn question, I believe he accumulated all the mags between 2 of his prior relationships and used them (like most men) as visuals to masturbate. Same thing for the internet porn. When we are with each other, he NEVER leaves the room to watch porn and is EXTREMELY attentive to (and sexually responsive with) me. (He is also very doting to me and my daughter in all ways). He was watching internet porn on days we didn't have sex (because we were apart). I understand that guys watch porn, but after our emotional "heart to heart" talk (and his offering to put porn away until we rebonded), I was surprised that he'd risk us to watch porn within 24 hours of the conversation. He was so happy we were back together! That brings us to last night, with the deleted/scrubbed history. Although I have a lot of things to figure out still (and am seeking professional help), I would love input on the narrow question - what are the chances the deleted websites were porn?
If he did not give you a direct answer - 100%, dear.
You are very welcome. Perhaps you can communicate with him by asking him why he is so obsessed with his pleasure as he is. Sex is nice and all, but sex is like sugar - too much of it is just a stomach ache.
Talk to him about his issue. Try to let him recognize it as a problem in a witty way. Be fun and honest with him. It is an issue. He needs to open up to life and let go of most of his sexual insecurities. He has so much in his life despite his behavior - he sounds scared and cornered. He hasn't shown any truly selfish behavior, so he might as well care so much that he can't own up to the fact that he watched more porn. He's ashamed. Let him know that you are there for him and that his dick is only 1/100 of his body. There's a future; a whole world around your family to admire and to embrace. There's no reason to let temporary desires replace what could last a life time.
@One Eyed Mind,
One Eyed Mind - thank you. To me, your advice sounds wise and compassionate. As for your belief that there's a 100% chance his deleted history was porn....That concerns me. Because he keeps insisting it wasn't porn and that he was only deleting history "just in case there was something on there inappropriate". I want to be compassionate, but it scares me that this guy can lie to me even after all we've been through. On the deletion incident, I am thinking I should just say, "BF, I know your deleted history was porn or other things that you didn't want me to see. That is why you deleted it - because you did not want me to see it. I want you to understand that I know this. B/c it's important you understand that I am not naive or foolish, which wouldn't be a good thing for you to believe. We can work on the rest of our issues, but for now, please don't put me in a situation where you are asking me suspend rational thought (you deleted the history and cache before I got there, but there was nothing on there you wanted to hide)."
You are truly a mother hen. I respect you.
Yes, you have this situation in your hands, dear. The only thing that holds you back is fear and doubt - distortion has done nothing except ruin our lives. Don't let it ruin yours.
i'm in my early 50's and have also deleted Bowser from my history
in fact i hadn't even thought of him until i saw this thread
Basic line is that you have trust issues and once you lose trust in another person, the relationship might as well be over. You'll be wrecking your mind constantly if he did porn this or porn that and he'll be finding ways to hide it.
Either you accept him as he is, or you don't and move on. That's about it in a nut shell.
Another question: why are you so against him watching porn? Does he neglect you sexually? Not from your writing, you have had sex 3 times a day, so why do you feel threatened then ?
Thank you CJ for your reply. As for internet porn, I am not really able to view that clearly right now bc I have been dealing with long term as well as more recent issues with his lying which almost all involve sexual communications with other women over the internet. I see his ipad and can't help but cringe. Plus the issue of my daughter finding the mags and his reaction was just this summer. After all of that, I am now learning of the ipad porn hiding, so the porn is obviously coming (no pun intended) at a bad time. The porn use was supposed to be on hiatus (his suggestion) as we got back together on shaky ground and were working on reastablishing our relationship. To go back to it only a day after that (and then deny it) seemed reckless to me. As did the browser history and scrub a few days later after he said yet again it was on a break. I guess the answer is I have to work through my trust issues and ignore that he is masturbating to porn while I work through them. Should I just say, "please stop insisting you want to and are staying away from porn because that puts you in a position of lying, which is hurting our chance to rebuild trust on all issues"? All this stuff is becoming so difficult for me. I just feel exhausted by all these things. It is a lot to deal with at once. I hope you can see how my feelings are the way they are right now.
Why are you using two accounts?
Best guess: there is a nearly 100% chance the links included porn, and a 40% chance that they included some really out there porn that he knows that you would not approve of on your best day. He sounds like a sexual sick **** who does not believe that he can be honest with you about what gets him off. Your trust issues are only the tip of the iceberg of what is wrong here.
People do what they want to do. Don't become his babysitter. Sounds like your snooping to keep him in check. He has already proven to you that he is willing to deceive you. You've already proven to him you'll forgive time and time again. What your actually doing is making it a fun cat and mouse game. Your letting him know what you've discovered and what methods you used....so he is becoming more cautious and better at his game. You can't force anyone to be what you need. You can't force or convince a person to be committed to you. Employing guilt, blame, shame doesn't work either. You're always the one to initiate? Wow...sounds like you're trying too hard to convince this guy that you're all he needs. You've given up your power. You've proven to him he is more important to you, than you are to yourself. Move on to a healthier relationship. Best wishes.
Sounds like your snooping to keep him in check.
Reminds me something..
Some have resorted to snooping to collect information and decide wether to stay or go ,when unsure as to what's happening ....wrong or right. In the case of the OP:
1. He has not married her....a different level of commitment. They don't even live together.
2. She has had conclusive proof of his deceit multiple times and chooses to stay
3. She's making herself completely available to him...can't ever turn him down.
4. Informs him on what she's found...as if to say, I'm watching you. So it's
about control, rather than gaining perspective .
Sometimes people are unaware that they've lost themselves in a relationship. I'm simply trying to remind her she is important in the equation....and why I think she has forgotten about herself. It is not meant as a put down or as ridicule.
Deleted isn't gone. Just marks the disc space as 'overwritable.' So any freeware 'UNdelete' application can restore the content. If you wanna find out, get one and restore the deleted content.