Affairs

One interesting study I read recently is that as long as the disagreements are reasonable (unlike the stuff described here -- sounds just awful, and much sympathy to everyone :-( ), it is actually to the children's benefit to learn how to resolve conflict. The study said that parents are so removed from children in so many ways in recent history -- TV's in separate rooms, different dinnertimes, kid's and parent's bedtimes being radically different, etc., etc. -- that these kids are not getting the tools for conflict resolution in relationships that they need. The parents have problems, of course, but aren't resolving them in front of the kids, and the kids in turn either can't handle their anger appropriately or think that any disagreement spells doom for the relationship.

So a constructive disagreement with resolution -- calm and reasonable laying out of positions, apologies, hugs -- can actually be beneficial.

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sozobe wrote:

So a constructive disagreement with resolution -- calm and reasonable laying out of positions, apologies, hugs -- can actually be beneficial.

You do not know - how much I wish you were around then. Confused

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Amazing how so many of us have had brutal childhood experiences and turned out to be good caring people.

Sam

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(((((((((((SAM)))))))))))))

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Just like in person, you can not give a hug without receiving one.

Very Happy

Sam

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sozobe wrote:

One interesting study I read recently is that as long as the disagreements are reasonable (unlike the stuff described here -- sounds just awful, and much sympathy to everyone :-( ), it is actually to the children's benefit to learn how to resolve conflict. The study said that parents are so removed from children in so many ways in recent history -- TV's in separate rooms, different dinnertimes, kid's and parent's bedtimes being radically different, etc., etc. -- that these kids are not getting the tools for conflict resolution in relationships that they need. The parents have problems, of course, but aren't resolving them in front of the kids, and the kids in turn either can't handle their anger appropriately or think that any disagreement spells doom for the relationship.

So a constructive disagreement with resolution -- calm and reasonable laying out of positions, apologies, hugs -- can actually be beneficial.

God! I will second that! My parents did denial - frosty silences for MONTHS - even years, really - well, like their whole marriage! - then secret (ie at night, behind closed doors - but we could hear them, of course) horrible shitfights that were like the end of the world!!!

I am getting better at conflict - I have learned to fight pretty fairly and stuff generally - with most folk - but I still am often tearful and devastated when I fight - even though my words and thoughts are ok. Part of me still believes, in my emotions, if that makes sense, that conflict is the end of the world, and absolutely irresolvable.

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Yea.

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(((((((dloan))))))),

Lots of zen hugs to you too. It breaks ny heart to think of not only you but all of the kids who hear the hidden nastiness. Which is more devastating, having it there in your face or having parents show that they are ashamed of what they are doing by hiding it.
It's wonderful to hear that you have used a negative example to the good.
The whole conflict, devastation, tears thing is so ingrained, it takes effort to fight it down and keep control of the emotions.
Having a partner like Wiyaka makes such a difference. The few disagreements we have are always kept on an intellectual level. None of the I am right and you are wrong, we discus ideas, actions and outcomes. some tines there are tears at the end but, I get to make her feel better. Not that I need an excuse to hug may lady.

Love to all of the survivors. we need it.

Sam

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dlowan wrote:

Part of me still believes, in my emotions, if that makes sense, that conflict is the end of the world, and absolutely irresolvable.

It makes total sense. That's what can be so devastating about conflict between parents. You feel so powerless. In your mind, you just what them to be okay, so you can feel okay around them AND more importantly you can feel secure. Walking on eggshells when you are around your parents who are fighting is an art form, unfortunately. Sad

(((((((((dlowan)))))))))) from me too. Smile

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Deb,

I understand how that works. Mom and my stepdad did that kind of thing once in a great while. Of course, he was an alcoholic, psychologically and physically abusive. I tried to stop their fighting once and got slammed across the room into a wall. My jaw was sore for three days!

From then on, I guess he saw me as a better target than Mom. If any of my six younger brothers or sisters did things to wrong, I'd take the blame to protect them. I had broken ribs from steel toed boots, a horse harness' britching strap (Ask Gus about britching straps) used on my back,buckles and all and more sore jaws than most prize fighters. When he got into those moods, Mom would often urge him on!

He's gone, but he sure was a great teacher! He taught me how NOT to behave. I'm not bitter towards him or Mom. Kids don't come with owner's manuals. Besides, we can't change the past. So I've been able to use him as a teaching tool when I do teachings on parenting or do marriage counseling.

Mom? At 79, she praises him and I just relegate those comments to selective memory. I was Mom's scapegoat while growing up, but now Sam and I are the ones she'll call when lonely or when she wants special favors done. I can't allow those events to fester, as two sisters and a brother have allowed to happen.

Sam and I have learned to discuss feelings, recognizing that feelings belong to the person experiencing them and that the feelings are that individual's alone. They are not accusations, nor are they to be used to manipulate the other person.

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Good Night All,

Yamni ate a small tube of petroleum jelly very early this morning and... I need to shampoo about a square yard of carpet before I go to bed.
I wish I could hug all of you in person, maybe some day. Until then sweet dreams tonight and every night.

Love

Sam

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Wiyaka wrote:

From then on, I guess he saw me as a better target than Mom. If any of my six younger brothers or sisters did things to wrong, I'd take the blame to protect them. I had broken ribs from steel toed boots, a horse harness' britching strap (Ask Gus about britching straps) used on my back,buckles and all and more sore jaws than most prize fighters. When he got into those moods, Mom would often urge him on!
<snip>
I can't allow those events to fester, as two sisters and a brother have allowed to happen.

Sam and I have learned to discuss feelings, recognizing that feelings belong to the person experiencing them and that the feelings are that individual's alone. They are not accusations, nor are they to be used to manipulate the other person.

Wow......thank you for posting. You and Sam have made me a more complete person today. There's a "peace" you receive in knowing we have all healed into caring and thoughtful people. Regardless of the cruelties we knew as children.
(((((((((((((((Wiyaka)))))))))))))) Sorry, I'm just in a hugging kind of mood. :wink:
Goodnight all too. Smile

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((((((((((((((((((Jacquie!)))))))))))))))))) Hard to give a hug without getting one? Laughing

Maybe going through those things can make us stronger, huh?

"That which does not kill me, makes me stonger." Goethe

If that's really true, I must be one strong woman. :wink:

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Sometimes I wish God didn't think I was so strong.
(big sigh)

One of my all-time favorite quotes, Wiyaka. Have used it many, many times.

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Eva,

"We are never given more than we can handle." Even I have to remind myself of this, when given tests in life. Luckily, Sam reminds me of this, when I need it.

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I know what you mean. I just wish God didn't have so much confidence in me. Wink

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I fully understand. Sometimes, I have to look at myself from a different angle to understand the full meanig of things happening. I'm not afraid of life anymore though. I go running to embrace it.

Each day is a new adventure for me. Like today. I'll be baking oatmeal raisin cookies again. I baked a batch last week and they're all gone. Only Sam and I eating them too. Oh, we're making fudge too.

I realize that I need to finalize some things for a Gathering in Canada and schedule a few other things, but in their own time.

Hang in there sweetie, it does get better. I used to go kicking and screaming, yelling "No not me! I don't want to do that. But once it was over, I thought, "Gee, that wasn't as bad as I had thought." Laughing

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Oh, I've never been afraid of life! Even when I SHOULD have been! <LOL>

I have nothing to complain about these days except truly minor issues. My health is okay, I'm married to a wonderful man who loves me, I have a great child, work I truly enjoy, some financial security, and many wonderful friends. Life is good. I am blessed. I am fortunate to have survived things that by all rights should have killed me, and I know how lucky I am. I also know better than to take these good times for granted. I hope they last a long, long time.

To sum it up, my life would be perfect if I could only change two things: (1) I'd like to spend all my holidays in Italy, and (2) I'd like to be able to eat all the chocolate I want without gaining weight. Laughing

Yep, that would be just perfect.

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well i wouldnt do anything...

if one of my parents came to me and said something they would get total secrecy.

that goes for anyone that tells me something that isn't to be repeated, with common sense boundaries of course but that's just the way i am.

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Absolutely. Private information is to be private.

Sometimes the person tells more and more people and the cat walks out of the paper bag, but it should never be you or me that does it, with anybody.

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