5
   

Looking EVERWHERE

 
 
rybanez4
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:26 pm
Ok, so here's the deal. I'm not open to anyone's negativity. I'm not interested in looking at people's trash talk. As for the people that are sitting here saying I'm right for looking or whatever the case may be, thank you. Thank you for all the positive vibes. I know I'm doing the right thing. It is my right to know. Why should I have to sit and pay for my mother and father's carelessness. Tough **** they made mistakes. I'm sure every single person in this thread has at one point in their life or another. Whether it takes me 5 years or 30 years to find out I will. Yes I've been preparing myself for the outcome both good and bad. All I'm trying to find out is his Name and MAYBE a picture. I could careless If he wants to be a part of my life now, I've dealt 21 years without him why is anything going to change if he says he wants nothing to do with me? I'm a big girl i can handle it. Is it going to hurt? honestly, no. why am I going to feel bad for something I could not control? It sound to me that some people have issues of their own that are hidden, and is bottling up emotions of their own and I'm unfortunately the person it got dumped on. That's not a big deal to me I'm not going to waste any time on nonsense. If you have nothing positive or useful information please keep your comments to yourself. Have a good night people!
Smile
rybanez4
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:30 pm
@ehBeth,
I must have skipped through this a little to fast, i was told by one of my cousins in Austin. I've been told by my aunts that they don't want to stick their hands in business that isn't theirs and mymother is the one that needs to tell me the truth. Which is understandable, and I totally respect that.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:32 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
someone who has developed and lived and entire life. A life that has been chosen not to include this other person. A life with their own family, friends and other relationships.


I think you're making a lot of assumptions about why people are not in contact with their children.

I don't know where this reaction comes from with you, but it doesn't really matter, as long as you try to be reasonable with people who are asking for assistance.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:35 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
My concern is so little thought is given to the person who gave the child up. Don't they have desires/needs also? The the desire/need to preserve the life they have built for themselves, which may be destroyed/distrupted by someone they know nothing of showing up?


a lot of the parents are out there - on the registries - waiting to be contacted by their children

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:41 pm
@rybanez4,
I think that if you want the information through your mother, you are going to have to really work on talking to her, adult to adult.

Explain to her why you want to meet your father. Be clear and be honest, and try not to be unkind to your mother in the process. Unkindness won't help anyone.

If you have not contacted the registries to find out if your father is looking for you, do that now. Let your mother know you are doing that. It may upset her, but likely not as much as finding out later that you've been in touch with your father.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:46 pm
@rybanez4,
rybanez4 wrote:
All I'm trying to find out is his Name and MAYBE a picture. I could careless If he wants to be a part of my life now, I've dealt 21 years without him why is anything going to change if he says he wants nothing to do with me? I'm a big girl i can handle it. Is it going to hurt? honestly, no. why am I going to feel bad for something I could not control?


Have you had any professional counselling to prepare yourself for what could come out of this search? I'd definitely recommend looking into it - and join at least one support group for adoptees looking for their birth parents. It's not easy to do this without support.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:50 pm
@rybanez4,
rybanez4 wrote:
Actually i have heard from one of my cousins that my father was married when he met my mother, thats why i think she kept moving me from city to city.


why would your father being married cause your mother to move around?

was he paying her to keep you away from his family?
rybanez4
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:52 pm
@ehBeth,
I really haven't and honestly don't want to I have an amazing support group with me. I haven't checked any registries but I sure need to
rybanez4
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 07:55 pm
@ehBeth,
I have no clue, my mother doesn't wan to tell me anything. I've tried to ask her time and time again and she really doesn't want to tell me. She swears up and down that her husband my step father is my real dad, and that's nothing but a lie. that man was horrible to me growing up, I'm not sure about how you feel about that but a "father" doesn't treat his only "daughter" the way he did.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:01 pm
@rybanez4,
I really hope you consider an adoptee support group. It's not just for emotional support - it's also to meet people who have gone through this and know different resources available to you.

As much as friends and family love you, you're going to a place most people can't understand when you start to search for a birth relative.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:03 pm
@rybanez4,
It doesn't matter what I think about your stepfather. What matters is that if you want information from your mother, you have to learn to deal with her and her needs and beliefs. Arguing about your needs and beliefs isn't going to move you forward with her. You have to focus on identifying what will work for her.
rybanez4
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:09 pm
@ehBeth,
I will defiantly consider it. It's like talking to a wall when it comes to talking to her. I wish she wasn't the way she is about this, but she has her reasons.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:09 pm
@rybanez4,
rybanez4 wrote:
She swears up and down that her husband my step father is my real dad


think about the language you use with your mother

if you refer to your birth father as your real father, you are going to get her back up and not get anywhere
rybanez4
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:12 pm
@ehBeth,
see that's the thing I've tried talking to her over breakfast in a public place because I know how we both can get haha, I've gone as far as telling her her husband was the the only father I'll know and love (which is half true) but no dice.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:29 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

chai2 wrote:
someone who has developed and lived and entire life. A life that has been chosen not to include this other person. A life with their own family, friends and other relationships.


I think you're making a lot of assumptions about why people are not in contact with their children.

I don't know where this reaction comes from with you, but it doesn't really matter, as long as you try to be reasonable with people who are asking for assistance.


And I think people in general make a lot of assumptions about the number of birth parents that actually want a reunion.

The reaction I'm giving comes from living in the real world. I live in a world where a person shouldn't have to wait for the other shoe to drop by having someone show up at the door, as a result of an incident years ago. I have to frankly respect someone who would go through the process of having an unwanted child, when they could have easily aborted. In fact, to reassure myself that I wasn't crazy, I asked the question on another board a while ago. I asked if they had become a parent, and gave the child up, would they want contact later in life. The answer was overwhelming, and surprising to me. The vast majority said they would have had an abortion, and never let the pregnancy come to term. One person (at least that admitted it) had such an abortion to avoid having to have this person in their life later. The 1st person who responded said the idea of being contacted years later would be the primary reason she would have an abortion. Men who responded had no interest in having contact.

Just did a quick view of the posts there. Of the so far 15 people who responded, 8 would have an abortion (the one person who admitted to having one said she'd do it again in a heartbeat), 3 said no, they wouldn't want contact, an additional 2 men said they wouldn't want contact, 1 person said yes, their curiosity would get the better of them, but they wouldn't want a relationship, 1 said they weren't sure, and would have to think about it. More have made general comments about parents privacy, being happy safe abortions are available if wanted and generally stating if they wanted the child, they would have kept it. This is in less than 3 hours. I'm sure they'll be more by morning.

So much for the fantasy of the gut wrenching decision to put up for adoption, or doing it so "he'll get a better home" I'm far from saying that doesn't happen, and doesn't happen on a regular basis. Thing is, people have abortions, and give children up for adoption, primarily because they didn't want the baby.

I'm the elephant in the room. I'm the one many people are reading and nodding their heads thinking "ye gads, I'd never want someone to attempt contact with me because I got someone pregnant, or had a kid I didn't want."
I respect that few if any will volunteer their feelings here, as it would just be so unacceptable and so unPC to admit they're glad they either had an abortion or gave a child away, and would do it again.

It's just unpopular that I'm saying this. It's besides the point apparently that it's the truth.

As far as being reasonable, I've been nothing but.

I've asked questions that are pertinent and to the point, and received no answers. The reason being I'm not givng her "positive vibes".

cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:32 pm
@chai2,
All scientifically accomplished, I'm sure! LOL Did you keep any stats? What were the questions? What was the basis for the questions? How many people did you survey? Where was the survey taken/done?
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:34 pm
@cicerone imposter,
If you read the post, all those numbers are there.

I already said I posted the question on another forum, those answers all came in within 3 hours.

There was one question, which I already stated. I told you the basis for the question.




ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:37 pm
@chai2,
Given your 'research', what do you think explains the large number of birth parents on adoption registries waiting to be contacted?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 08:38 pm
@chai2,
What kind of forum is it?
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Aug, 2014 09:05 pm
@ehBeth,
Quote:
I, chai2, is the only person with the right answers about kids that want to meet up with their birth parents.


Or, something to that effect.

I found this on the internet.
Quote:
From Debate.org: Adopted children should be allowed to contact their biological parents.
The adopted children have the right to know who their biological parents are, and they should keep in touch with their biological parents because they need their birth parents with them during they are growing up. Some adopter parents don't want to tell the children who their birth parents really are, but I think the children should be given the option whether they want to know their birth parents are. Moreover, the adopted children have blood relationship with their real parents, they are families anyway.
NOTE: This one had 11 thumbs up and 5 thumbs down.


I agree with the thumbs up.
 

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