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@cicerone imposter,

cicerone imposter wrote:

I disagree; humans want to know their roots. If they don't, it's probably based on some nefarious reasons.

Quote:
“Being adopted is like being a puzzle with a piece missing.” Jeremy, age 10
Among the special tasks of adoptive parenting is one that could definitely benefit from an instructor’s manual--knowing how to handle our children’s potential interest in searching for connections to or relationships with their birth families and birth heritage.
Joyce Maguire Pavao, author of The Family of Adoption (1998) and an adoptee herself, writes that “search is something that all human beings do in one way or another . . . It is a human need to know as much as we can about who we are.” Dr. Pavao separates search from reunion with birth parents and defines it as the process of gathering information about the past and the present to better move forward into the future. It is healthy and normal for children, teens, and young adults to make connections to their past that will help them develop positive, strong identification with where they came from as well as where they are and where they are going. Search may lead to the desire for reunion, and then again, it may not.

So, if someone does not want to know about there roots (or more accurately, probably wonders about it but decides they will go ahead and forge their own lives and happiness, and let the biological parent live the life they have worked for, they are nefarious, meaning wicked/criminal?

That's a very strong word to use against someone that has decided that finding the person(s) who gave them to someone else to raise isn't necessary to live a good life. Realizing this may totally disrupt the lives of other people is wicked?

In your quote, it says it's a human NEED to know as much as we can about who we are. No it's not. It's a human desire or want, not a need.

jespah said on some other thread, and I agree 100%...closure is overated.

I feel a stricter age limit needs to be put on when an adopted adult child can seek a birth parent. Something like 30 years old.

Look at this site for example. Look at the large number of people with the age range of let's say 16 to 22 or so, and their relationship issues/questions.

He didn't respond to my tweet for 5 minutes, what does that mean?
HELP!!!! Does he like me?
I think I love this girl that I've never talked to and works at the coffee shop.

These are the exact same people who are of the idea they "need" to find their birth parent (and you don't know me, so shut up).

Fast forward to the age 30, and you'll more likely find an adult with a family of their own, who can identify with the problems of the results of that child that was conceived 5, 10 or 15 years ago can bring if they make contact.

If they still chose to search, it will be with an entirely different mindset.

But, no. It's vitally important that a 20 year old find their mother/father NOW!
And we, because we can't seem to say "wait 10 years and see if you still want to do this", just get so excited, congratulating and wishing them luck. We so want to believe this person who is also dealing with "but I really love this guy but he doesn't text me", is going to maturely approach someone who may or may not even want to be reminded of that part of their life.

Or yes, they may be mature enough. They realize they can wait until they are more fully an adult, and has some life experiences under their belt.

1 Reply

@chai2,

What you seem to ignore is that for every generality of human behavior on anything, anyone can find exceptions. Maybe, nefarious was too strong a word, but from MPOV, it's unnatural not to have interest in your birth parents.

Quote:

un·nat·u·ral
ˌənˈnaCH(ə)rəl/
adjective
contrary to the ordinary course of nature; abnormal.
"death by unnatural causes"
synonyms: abnormal, unusual, uncommon, extraordinary, strange, odd, peculiar, unorthodox, exceptional, irregular, atypical, untypical; More
antonyms: normal
not existing in nature; artificial.
"the artificial turf looks an unnatural green"
synonyms: artificial, man-made, synthetic, manufactured, inorganic, genetically engineered
"a flash of unnatural color"
affected or stilted.
"the formal tone of the programs caused them to sound stilted and unnatural"
synonyms: affected, artificial, mannered, stilted, forced, labored, strained, false, fake, theatrical, insincere, ersatz; More

1 Reply

@cicerone imposter,

I never said it was unnatural ci. I said it was a desire, not a need.

I said that most people, when they are mature enough, will be able to Better approach this in a way that won't result in anger, heartache and long lasting or permanent damage.

My objection is that almost 100% of the attention is placed on people that may not be mature enough to comprehend or even imagine the results of finding a birth parent.

My concern is so little thought is given to the person who gave the child up. Don't they have desires/needs also? The the desire/need to preserve the life they have built for themselves, which may be destroyed/distrupted by someone they know nothing of showing up?

It's like there's this idea that no matter how what the circumstances of a birth was, there's this Right for the child to find their parents.

I do not believe this is a right. I believe the right to privacy of the parent is much more important.

It's like there's this pervasive "chicken soup for the soul" mentality, like this is going to be some inevitable positive experience, no matter how it starts out.

2 Replies

@chai2,

You wrote,

Quote:

My objection is that almost 100% of the attention is placed on people that may not be mature enough to comprehend or even imagine the results of finding a birth parent.

What has your 'objection' have to do with people who wish to know who their birth parents are? Whether they're mature enough is none of your business.
It's what 'they' want, and it has nothing to do with you!

1 Reply

@cicerone imposter,

cicerone imposter wrote:

You wrote,
Quote:
My objection is that almost 100% of the attention is placed on people that may not be mature enough to comprehend or even imagine the results of finding a birth parent.

What has your 'objection' have to do with people who wish to know who their birth parents are? Whether they're mature enough is none of your business.
It's what 'they' want, and it has nothing to do with you!

My objection has to do with the welfare of the people who may not want the contact.

Why are they not being considered in this?

Some court somewhere decided that there is a certain age when the person can start looking for their birth parents.
I think there is strong argument for having that age moved up a decade.

Many people say that the total right of a woman to have an abortion is in the hands of the mother.
I believe a significant right is due to a person who decided to not abort and instead have the child and give it up.

If a woman has control over whether a baby is even to be born, shouldn't she have a large amount of control as to whether she was a relationship with it after it comes out of her vagina?

2 Replies

@chai2,

It's not for 'us' to decide what any individual wants to do concerning the search for their birth parents. The individual may have legal restrictions depending upon the state or country in which they are trying to seek their birth parents.

Since we're talking about one individual who wishes to find his birth father, I understand why any person would want to know - for all the many reasons including "who am I" and "what did I inherit from my parents."

It's also obvious, this individual 'wants to know.' Why should any complete stranger have any say or control over another human concerning this issue?

2 Replies

@chai2,

It sounds like the father wanted to be in the child's life to some degree. There are agencies that facilitate a reunion process and act as intermediary agents. They protect the identity of the individuals involved ( and even bring them together if both parties desire it). For instance, a person may seek info concerning medical history but not desire contact. A biological parent may want to provide for child in a will....there are many possibilities.

0 Replies

@cicerone imposter,

cicerone imposter wrote:

Since we're talking about one individual who wishes to find his birth father, I understand why any person would want to know - for all the many reasons including "who am I" and "what did I inherit from my parents."

It's also obvious, this individual 'wants to know.' Why should any complete stranger have any say or control over another human concerning this issue?

I too can understand why one individual would wish to find his birth father or mother.

I can also understand why the birth father/mother would wish that not to happen.

Agreed, why should any complete stranger have control over the fact they want to find someone who may have no interest in being found?

Who are "we" to decide this? We are the people who voted people into office that at some time turned adoptions into open adoptions.
"We" are also people, like me, who would like to turn it into a more selective process. One where there is an older approved age for someone to initiate a search, or where a person who had a child can easily sign a document saying they want no contact, and it would be legally binding.
Of course the birth parent can rescind that at any time, and permit the adult child to communicate with them.

I am advocating greater rights for the birth parents, ones that would trump the rights of the person seeking them.

The birth parent(s) need to be the ones who allow communication, not the person they gave birth to.

2 Replies

@chai2,

Once any politician is voted into office guarantees nothing. That's a fact.

1 Reply

@cicerone imposter,

That's very true.

However, we apparantly voted politicians into office that approved this leniency in allowing searches for parents that may not want contact.

Just because there is no guarantee doesn't mean efforts to get people into office that would vote for citizen privacy in this matter shouldn't be attempted.

With the attitude of "that's no guarantee" we'd still have child labor, segregation, and women wouldn't even be allowed to vote.

We keep going back to this one sided idea that just because someone desires something, they should have every right to go out and get it.

Everytime I think about this, my stomach hurts at the thought of some person picking up the phone or getting a letter, or worse, an email or text telling me "I'm your son/daughter." Just typing that I literally stopped and had to put my face in my hands.

Could the parent be happy, or at least open to this type of message? Of course. No argument. I also see how this could destroy them, and potentially the life and relationships they have worked for.

I stand on the side of first do no harm, firstly to the birth parent.

In the best of times, this would have to be a matter approached with the utmost delicacy. There's only one good way this can go, and so very many wrong paths it can take.

0 Replies

@chai2,

I think communication should be mutually desired for a meeting to take place . I think most people would agree that registries that provide some anonymity would work well. I think when a person gives up parental rights, and desires no contact, that needs to be respected. Some haven't revealed to others that they gave a child up for adoption. The consequences for the bio parent could be life-altering socially and in other ways too.

0 Replies

Its your right to know about it

1 Reply

@cicerone imposter,

I wrote earlier that may be confusing,

Quote:

Since we're talking about one individual who wishes to find his birth father, I understand why any person would want to know - for all the many reasons including "who am I" and "what did I inherit from my parents."

I meant biological inheritance for medical reasons.

1 Reply

@cicerone imposter,

cicerone imposter wrote:

I wrote earlier that may be confusing,
Quote:
Since we're talking about one individual who wishes to find his birth father, I understand why any person would want to know - for all the many reasons including "who am I" and "what did I inherit from my parents."

I meant biological inheritance for medical reasons.

Sorry, that doesn't cut wood. Not if the parent doesn't desire contact.

1 Reply

@neelroy,

neelroy wrote:

Its your right to know about it

Because......?

1 Reply

@chai2,

Because they are the 'interested party' and you're not!

1 Reply

@cicerone imposter,

No ci....I wanted to hear what that poster had to say.

It was pretty vague.

I have no idea if that poster is an interested party or not.

0 Replies

@chai2,

The obvious and simple solution would be to provide a comprehensive health history, when giving a child up for adoption. Maybe the laws have changed in that regard. I don't agree the bio parent has greater rights. I think both parties have equal rights. There are also adopted children who want no contact with the birth parents.

2 Replies

@Germlat,

You have a good point.

Perhaps if either party does not want contact, that needs to supercede one parties desire to contact.

0 Replies

@Germlat,

That's true; each case has their own priorities and needs.

0 Replies

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