I made my bed now I have to lie in it?

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It is a very very long story but to make it short...I was in love (some called crush, infatuation, adoration) with someone all throughout my high school years...however NOTHING ever came between us...in fact, he never even gave me a second of his time. Fast forward to 9 years after high school...my friend married his older brother and seeing him again, believe it or not, brought back that old feelings once again. However, I quickly pushed those feelings away because I knew it wasn't right since we were both married and let's face it, that was high school! Fast forward to 16 years later , he got divorced and I, on the other hand, is not completely happy with my marriage. I don't even remember, how it all started but we ended up having an affair, which he constantly reminded me that for him it was purely because of sex which I agreed to be okay with it but secretly hoped that someday he will change, but of course that did NOT happen. A year after the affair started, he met my friend (whom I've always considered my sister and shared all my secrets to, including this affair) and fell madly in love with her. I begged and begged my friend to please consider not to entertain the idea because it would simply crush me if they ended up together. She "kindly" reminded me that I am a married woman and there's nothing she can do. Her exact words was "I'm sorry but I also like him and I need to think about myself". They were both falling in love with each other and I just need to face the reality that he does NOT feel the same towards me. I CRIED for weeks but with the help of my best friend, I realized I needed to work on my marriage (and still working hard at it), I concentrated on my kids and I went back to school to hopefully finish my long time dream AND kept my distance from whoever (including other family members and friends) that was close to "them". Now, a year later, my friend is apologizing for how things turned out between us and wishing we can go back to how it was and asked if we can ever sit and talk. I simply told her that "there is no need to talk about the past and it is best that we just continue to live our lives the way it was meant to be." Recently, I found out that she befriended my co-worker/boss. Once again, I am loosing my dignity and starting to fall apart. Is this even right?

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@Foolish1,

You had an affair with an old flame and he repeatedly told you he was in it for the sex only. He meets your friend, falls for her and she for him and you get upset because she is your friend and shouldn't be bopping the guy who is bopping you (for sex only) because it just isn't right? Do you think maybe is just was not right that you, a married woman, were bopping some other guy? I bet your husband would have a different view about what was right or wrong in this situation.

I'm afraid your friend is right. You have no claim on this guy. You are married and rather than sleeping with this guy you should be working on your own marriage or get out of your marriage had you wanted to be with this guy. I think it is good that you are staying away from this friend and the guy and working on your marriage.

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Recently, I found out that she befriended my co-worker/boss

So, big deal. I don't see how this is a problem for you. Let them be friends.

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Is this even right?

Is what right? That she befriended your coworker/boss? That you are losing your dignity? (Explain how her being your coworker's friend causes you to lose dignity.) Why are you now starting to fall apart? You seem to be getting your life back together. You are working on your marriage, staying away from the guy that you had been sleeping with and whom you had feelings for, taking care of your family and going back to school. Sounds to me you should be congratulated for doing what is best for you. Doesn't sound like you are falling apart.

Anyway, keep doing what you are doing. Worry about what you can control (your marriage, your life) and not so much about the things you cannot control (who your girlfriend is dating, who she is friends with, etc.)

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

Once again, sage advice from CoastalRat.

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@chai2,

And again...where are women in this forum to support each other?

I thought didn't get about losing dignity part. How is it your dignity?

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@Eliusa,

I support people, when they give good advice.
In addition, I don't see anyone besides CR giving any advice on this thread, including you.

CoastalRat consistantly hits the nail on the head, and I admire him for it. Many people here do.

What I support is wisdom, period.

I didn't realize this was supposed to be a boys against girls thing. If it is, then I chose not to play.

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@chai2,

Agreed with all -

Just to add - I think the poster knew her answer any way (simply wanted confirmation as many of us do) - thus the name used - foolish.

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@chai2,

What I am trying to say is that men always against any woman who cheating because they imagining 'what if my did'?
And there when women are trying to explain that cheating of the woman is a very hard thing for woman to do, she has to be driven into this - men all go defensive and irrational.
This is why men's opinion will never be valid. Because you guys have no idea why we cheat and even when explained - you will try to defend yourselves.
I am yet to see man who is going to stand up and say 'I know I had neglected my wife and I drove her into disgrace'.
That is all I am saying.
Men should stay away from discussing women's cheating.
Go talk to the boys about why you guys do.
And remember - it is easy not to cheat when you aren't getting approached:)

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@Eliusa,

I'm a woman.

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@Eliusa,

Quote:

This is why men's opinion will never be valid. Because you guys have no idea why we cheat and even when explained - you will try to defend yourselves.
I am yet to see man who is going to stand up and say 'I know I had neglected my wife and I drove her into disgrace'.

Fine, give the woman advice. I doubt it is going to be very helpful though because you aren't reading the OP. She doesn't say her husband "neglected" her or "drove her into disgrace". Nor does she say her paramour offered her any promises that he failed to live up to. She is taking responsibility for her actions and wants advice. If you don't like CR's, give her some of your own. I look forward to seeing a "valid" opinion.

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@Eliusa,

What a load of crap.

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What I am trying to say is that men always against any woman who cheating

I am against anyone cheating, male or female. Honor your wedding vows. If you cannot then leave the marriage and sleep around all you wish.

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she has to be driven into this

Right. You will claim this forever because it is the only way you can make yourself look like a saint for wanting to cheat on your husband.

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This is why men's opinion will never be valid. Because you guys have no idea why we cheat and even when explained - you will try to defend yourselves.

Does not matter why you cheat. There is never a valid explanation (in my opinion) for anyone to cheat. As stated previously, just leave your spouse and screw anyone you want.

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I am yet to see man who is going to stand up and say 'I know I had neglected my wife and I drove her into disgrace'.

And I've yet to see a woman stand up and state the same when she catches her husband cheating. The reason is simple. Cheating is wrong regardless of why it happens.

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Men should stay away from discussing women's cheating.

Unless a woman comes to A2K and posts a thread, such as this one or the one you started about your desire to cheat. Then I'm pretty sure it is fair game. After all, I would not be offering an opinion to you (or the OP of this thread) had you not asked. But you did.

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And remember - it is easy not to cheat when you aren't getting approached

It is also easy not to cheat when you value the promises you made to someone more than the fleeting feeling of orgasm. But what do I know. I'm only a guy.

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@Eliusa,

All men don't fit your very constricted, biased, point of view.

"Men should stay away from discussing women's cheating."

That is ridiculous.

(I'm woman too.)

In this situation from the Original Poster, I agree with Coastal Rat's takes on it.

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@chai2,

So you just have men set of mind? And do not feel for fellow sisters? Sad.
Have you ever been in the situation when you can't breathe without that other person? Honestly, please.

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@Eliusa,

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Have you ever been in the situation when you can't breathe without that other person?

You have read way too many dime store romance novels.

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@Eliusa,

Yeah...selfish , go ahead and give advice when you are a total narcissist or can't freakin' figure it out. Sounds like you want to screw someone's life ....yeah.... Cause your so sure of your convictions...actually... You're convictions are:
I have a good man...is cheating bad?
--If my daughter finds out , will she resort to parent alienation? ( I don't give a --****, what she's going through
--this poor **** loves me... So ok...he doesn't know I screwing around right? He-he... Good enough for me. I must maximize my agenda!!!

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

And there when women are trying to explain that cheating of the woman is a very hard thing for woman to do, she has to be driven into this - men all go defensive and irrational.

This isn't a defensive and irrational reaction?!

If you want merely people to fawn over you and coddle you for your actions (whether they are justified or not), I bet the Ashley Madison website would be a more appropriate audience to justify any cheating/extramarital affairs and where one would only get sympathetic ears and no criticism whatsoever.

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@chai2,

Me too and I completely agree with coastalrat. It has nothing to do with gender simply common sense. I highly believe that coastalrat would not differ in his suggestions/comments if poster were a man.

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Well, to call up trouble on an already troubled thread, I not against every affair that ever happened in all of humanity. I understand some of them. Cultures vary, and ours in the U.S. is one of the most moralizing, though certainly not the very most. Individual marriages may have understandings, and individual marriages may be hell on wheels and need stopping (depending on your views about stuck forevermore and religion or even just your means to get away, and sometimes an affair person does see it as a means to get away). As I posted in some other thread, there were articles recently about people agreeing to having affairs as some kind of letting off of pressure (no link, but I gave one elsewhere). That's never been of interest to me, but I'm not dead set against a couple doing that. Not sure I believe it, but maybe.

Generally I'm for working out your marriage or getting out of it as the primary mode. The flame for the new person (or old flame) may well burn out when real life shows up again. Dirty socks tossed around the room by either; some verbal tic that goes into every sentence. Chewing gum under the kitchen tables. Horrible taste in clothes, movies, vacation spots by the New Other. Whatever, annoyance will show up and the leap to the stars away from old hub or wife might land you in a spotty place with a nose picker.

Still, sometimes that does work for people but the bounce off often doesn't work either (I'm no statistician). Not being able to breathe because someone is so wonderful in an affair escapade is one of those things that will fritter away enough, given time, so that you can catch some needed air.

Which brings up love. I've posted many times that I think love is a product, a product of care happening again and again. Infatuation is many things, including joy. Sometimes love grows from that joy and many times not.
Sometimes love just slides in when you both were just starting to notice and joy happens and lasts.

Our french poster, Olivier5, has commented that we at a2k don't talk about love much.
He's right.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I should have said, not sure I believe it over the long run. Actually I do, just not all so usual in the U.S., that the couple agree on this and that it lasts.

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

Men should stay away from discussing women's cheating.

you think women are going to go more gently on women who cheat? I think you already know that isn't the case here.

I'm a woman who generally agrees with CR when he posts on relationship threads - with a couple of big exceptions (i.e. I don't agree with once a cheater, always a cheater).

The deal in the relationship threads here is that historically people get called on their bullshit. If you don't like to get called out on your bullshit, try posting something different.

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@ehBeth,

Quote:

(i.e. I don't agree with once a cheater, always a cheater).

In order to get you to agree with me even more, I will clarify my belief on this. I don't think I have ever stated "once a cheater, always a cheater." I really do not believe that. I do believe someone who cheats is more likely to cheat again, but not always. What I have said is something along this line. If a person will cheat with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you?

And I think people who are cheating with someone need to think about that one.

So see, we agree on even more now that I've cleared that up.

1 Reply

I made my bed now I have to lie in it?

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