Dealing with Chronic Anger

Whether your mother wants it or not, you and your father requires outside intervention. Her bad health will affect the health of you and your father; that's not good for any one. Call your local social worker to find out what help you can get - and quickly.

I've mentioned to my father that this really can't continue and that she's depressed and needs to see a therapist. She's like Livia Soprano in that she refuses to entertain the idea. He always takes her side and doesn't think it's a good idea. It seems therapy is fine for me or my siblings but not for my parents. I don't get it. I know therapy won't help her overall discomfort but I wish I could do something to get her to understand how her negativity is affecting us. My job is stressful and I feel that my weekend is the only time to retreat from it. I don't even like working overtime...and weekend after weekend is just ruined by her sarcasm and her anger. It's like a never ending circle. I wish there was some way to force and intervention.

I've no immediate advice, will think about it, but want to say welcome to a2k.

They are two broad categories of behaviors to deal with threats: fight, or flee.

Confronting her could work. Maybe all she needs is someone pushing back real hard on her abusive behavior. But it could also end up in a major showdown, a dispute that may last forever, and be extremely painful for all.

That will sound awfull, but my advice is to flee. To save yourself rather than attempt to save your mother from herself. I.e. to leave your parents' house, as your siblings have done.

It's the convenient thing to do but my parents need my income and my help. I don't walk away from my responsibilities...although it'd be easier to.

You don't have to live in the same house.

You could still help them financially and not live there.

You could also spend a lot of time out during the weekend. Hang out with friends. Stay in your room listening to music... In other words avoid her, while still living there.

Self-preservation is not a bad thing. If you lose your job, or become depressive, you won't be able to help them either.

Do you feel bad/concerned about letting your father alone to deal with her? Is that why you won't leave?

You also don't need to make yourself such a convenient target.

You want to have the weekend to decompress from your job and that is when her anger issues worsen. Find something outside the home, such as spending the day at the dog park if you have a dog. Find a nice park or other location to have a picnic lunch. Bring a good book and some sunblock. Go swimming, either at the beach, city pool or private pool, or gym.


I'm a caregiver for an elder parent with worsening dementia and several physical disabilities. If I didn't have a way to get out of the house now and then, my nerves would be raw.

The first rule of care giving is that you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of others. Hiding out in your room is not doing either of you any good.

Hire an in home physical therapist for your mom, find a caregivers support group for yourself and get yourself out of the house now and then.

You wrote,

Precisely! The most important issue is his own health. Without it, he wouldn't be able to help his parents or himself.

I had very depressed and then mentally ill parents from when I was in my late teens, and I flubbed my way through all that, only child. I felt lame but even now, more than fifty years and many advances later, I'm not clear on how I could have fixed that back then in that system or fix things for you now.

But, others may be sharper on this, no disagreements from me so far.

Replying to myself, my instinct is that you should some how stop this whole scene instead of waiting for more awful to occur in dread for months or years, always getting worse..

I'm afraid he can't see the urgency of the situation, because of his concern for his parents.

plus I've no idea of available help.

Will listen.

Hello,

My advice would be to move out, and that if you need to car for them, do so from another house. When you visit to care for them, if they are rude...leave. It's fine to return again, but each time she is rude, leave. Why? Unfortunately it's a matter of training her to know there are consequences for her actions...

...training a person to better behaviour can be done with words too, but it's almost impossible to describe that in a forum (it's the subject of books)...and even explanation doesn't enable you to do - that takes practice.

.......................

Secondly, the vast majority of people get testy, short tempered, impatient (etc) when faced with either of the following two things:
- chronic pain
- chronic tiredness

Chronic pain can often lead to chronic tiredness, as sleeping becomes difficult.

It could be that different medication may help (for the pain), or sleeping medication. It is something she should discuss with her doctor - if you can get her to do that.

...............

Also, please realise that you may also be dealing with habitual manipulation (this is just a possibility), as many people who get bitter from pain, engage in emotional manipulation.

Dealing with manipulation is somewhat different from dealing with anger (again the subject of books).

...............

I'm of the opinion that the best bet to start with, is moving into a place of your own.

Best wishes.

It's toxic to live with someone like that - so make plans to get your own place.

Help out financially, but get your own place.

You will get sick if you don't.

Many times, ill people will lash out to those they love the most. But that's no excuse. You need to say, "Can you say that nicer?" to her when she starts in on you.

Also, call her Dr. and tell him/her about her behavior.

What specific types of help do you have to provide that requires you to interact with your mother?

The publication "Shambhala Sun" ( Buddhism Culture Meditation Life) for September ( 2014) has recently come out with an edition devoted to "The Wisdom of Anger:. According to this magazine, you make be able to learn how you can benefit yourself and others by transforming anger into wisdom and compassion ( emphasis on many fundamentals of Buddhism).

Try and find a copy of this publication and see what happens.

Good luck!

LA,

Many of these respondents are correct about the big things, in my opinion, but I hear your strong desire not to abandon your parents. There are correct and proven ways to deal with your issue, and these people are advising you to follow those ways.

It is to your credit that you want to help your parents, and that you're willing to put up with some abuse in order to help them. You must also realize that living under constant stress and abuse will change who you are over time in ways you may easily realize - and in some ways that you don't notice, but others people will. The worst thing is that when you enter a relationship and become a parent, you may pass this toxicity along to your partner and children. So, the people trying to get you out of the house know your risk even if you don't.

If you want an alternative attempt to leaving the house now, the first thing I'd do is speak to all your siblings about the issue. See if you can get support from them in helping your parents. Start with moral support or being on the same page: Do they agree your folks need therapy? Would they be a part of a thoughtful intervention to get them in therapy? What is the extent of their willingness to help? Inform your siblings that you are on the verge of moving out, and their help now in intervention may help them avoid financial help later if you're forced to move out.

I hear from your narrative that you're the only sibling trying to do the right thing, but before you go unilateral on mom's ass, make a REAL effort to get your sibs on board - at least in a supportive role - is job #1. One is better than none. You shouldn't bear this burden alone.

While you work on this with your sibs, think about documenting or recording your mom's abuse. Get a notebook or an app on your phone to record. She needs to hear herself. Plenty of people aren't aware exactly how abusive and cruel they are until they hear themselves. Get as much of this as you can to prove your point to her. How and why coming up later.*

The only additional thing I can think of to make a change while you try to get the intervention together is how you respond in the moment of abuse. She should notice your mantra and your altered behavior, I think.

Have a patterned response to her abuse, depending on how bad the abuse is.

Are you up to totally turning the tables and being assertive? Is this someone you can be?

1. Mom makes mild sarcastic remark that insults me:

Stop what you're doing, face her with your entire body, mindfully stand tall, look at her until she looks at you. (<---I think this is important.)

Say something to reject the criticism:
" I don't deserve the sarcasm (or the insult.) I know you're in pain, but attacking me is not going to be how we deal with it any more. You're going to have to communicate to me without the sarcasm (insult / yelling). (Pause) (Try to help train her by then lifting the tone of your voice and saying) -
"Did you want to ask me / tell me something?"

Tone matters. I hate to say this, but training people is a lot like training dogs. The tone you use to respond to her verbal abuse should be standing straight, coming from a place of firmness, self-respect, and personal strength.

Then, you offer her a way out (a way to save face) with the last sentence. If she's enraged at her own pain, she'll likely respond to this change in you (a challenge) with increased insult. So you lighten your tone and maybe show some acceptance raise your eyebrows or something and ask, "Did you want to ask / tell me something?" You're remembering she's being controlled by pain.

The rancor and challenge are no longer hanging in the air between you - a kinder offer to listen to her is. This method also negates whatever she said to you. You didn't hear it, and require it to be said again - hopefully in a respectful way. At any rate, she is less likely to repeat the sarcastic or abusive statement twice - after you've made a point of rejecting it.

It may seem like potty training a child or mat training a dog - very repetitive and seemingly without success for a long time, but you are training yourself too - not to accept bullshit and be poisoned.

*2. If the abuse is particularly bad - if she says something that hurts you to the soul:

Stop what you're doing. Go get your phone or notebook designated for this purpose. Return to her, assume your standing tall stance. Don't say anything, just begin writing down everything she said and date it. If you have problems remembering her quote (it should be ringing in your ears), ask her.

"If you weren't so lazy, you wouldn't be so fat." Is that what you said, Mom? "Let me make sure I don't misquote you, Mom. You said: "How will you ever find a man if you spend all your time watching TV." Let her hear her words and know that you're now recording them.

Every time it gets this bad, after you finish recording what she said, I think I'd say something positive - like "Mom, I'm here to help you and Dad, and attacks like this are poisoning me. I can't stay if you don't stop."

After a while, you'll have a pretty tidy catalog of mom's crap. This is useful for an intervention if any of your sibs are wiling to help. Mom needs to hear what you've had to listen to - and dad does too.
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Another ploy: Earplugs. Keep them in your pocket.

Mom starts bitching, hold up a finger "Just one minute!" Pop the plugs in. "I'll listen to you when you speak to me in a way I deserve to be spoken to." Hope they're good plugs. Get your dad a pair.
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Another idea. Go to her when nothing is wrong, and ask her if she hurts. Offer a rub. Hands on your body can alleviate some forms of pain sometimes. Maybe even research hands on therapy, share the info with your mom and your dad - and touch her and massage her. Sometimes dogs can alleviate pain and lift spirits. Is there a traveling dog therapy thingie in your area? A lap dog you can borrow from a sib or neighbor for her to spend time with? Get your sibs and dad reading up on holistic therapies and let mom know you are all doing it. It may really hearten her.

Good luck.

Good ideas, Lash. Think I'll try one or two of them myself.