I can't take it anymore

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I hate who I have become I use to be a good guy and I used to have a good life my life has gone to shot since my ex left me. I am doing things I wouldn't have done in a million years if I was with her.. I hate myself not a day goes by where I don't wanna kill myself.. I bought a 45. A couple months ago hoping to get the nerve to kill myself I just can't do it every time I have the gun to my head I think about my family..no body and I mean nobody knows how I feel every ******* day I just want to die.. How can I fix this I'm completely lost I want a happy normal life but I just can't go back to being me. I'm an alcoholic I'm a drug abuser I'm a bad person I hate myself so much. I daydream about killing myself all the time..

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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 1,887 • Replies: 29

@Bigshot ,

Bigshot wrote:

I hate who I have become I use to be a good guy and I used to have a good life my life has gone to shot since my ex left me. I am doing things I wouldn't have done in a million years if I was with her.. I hate myself not a day goes by where I don't wanna kill myself.. I bought a 45. A couple months ago hoping to get the nerve to kill myself I just can't do it every time I have the gun to my head I think about my family..no body and I mean nobody knows how I feel every ******* day I just want to die.. How can I fix this I'm completely lost I want a happy normal life but I just can't go back to being me. I'm an alcoholic I'm a drug abuser I'm a bad person I hate myself so much. I daydream about killing myself all the time..

There is not a bad person on this planet who thinks he is a bad person. The only people who think they are bad...are decent people who are in a pickle...who are in a bad way and cannot figure a way out.

People with personal problems...especially of the "my ex left me" type sometimes think they are worthless...and bad (as you apparently do)...

...but it couldn't be further from the truth.

Only you can stop the destruction...only you can save yourself from yourself.

Putting an end to things the way you are talking about is not the way to do it. Too many others will feel the sting (originally that came out "too many others will feel the stink, and perhaps that is the better way to put it.)

You will leave people with hurt that will eclipse what you are feeling...so put all that on a back burner for now.

Getting some friends and maybe a new "someone important" can be a big help.

What are your interests...how can you meet people who will see what is going on and be of some help. Bars won't do it...and drug relationships are probably not any better.

Counseling would be great, but it is not always an option.

This forum can help. Get into some conversations...get into some arguments about bullshit. People will argue...they will cajole...but they will be cyber friends for now.

It is a start.

I've been through what you are going through...and laugh at what once was. Back then, I never thought I'd ever laugh at it.

MY GUESS: Some day you will look back at this time...and laugh!

By the way..."Bigshot" may have seemed like a good idea for a name here...but Joe Bigshot; John Bigshot; George Bigshot would be much better. Get on a first name basis with some people.

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@Bigshot ,

You probably know this doesn't match your other thread - or maybe it does. You seem to take your well being from whether or not an ex or a new woman you like cares about you. A lot of us understand that, it's part of how life works, rejection happening. The thing is to appreciate yourself, and you probably don't, and your behaviors after being rejected just makes stuff worse.

Being alcoholic and drug abusing is probably not why you self hate, but may have happened from other stuff going on before all that. But now that you do alcohol and drug abuse, those pile up the mess on top of earlier trouble.

You could use good counseling, which others have probably told you - but it's true. Even counsel yourself - start reading a lot. So many people have been through so much. You can work your way out of isolation by learning about others and their lives. I don't know you so I don't know the best books or short stories to recommend, but maybe you have a good library near by, with any luck, with a good librarian. Or maybe the web.

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@ossobuco,

I really just want to be happy I am just an angry bitter person. I can honesty say I don't deserve to be happy anyway.. Thanks for your input I know I need counseling I have a hard time talking about my feelings though even those I'm close to.

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@ossobuco,

I just have zero self esteem. I started using steroids a couple years ago trying to get bigger hoping it would help me it helps me in the gym as far as self esteem goes but then I go home and get shitfaced drunk and go back to my self obsorbed moping bullshit

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@Bigshot ,

Most of us here get that, the angry stuff.

I edited my post, check my last bit - I'm more of a self counselor myself. I only had counseling once, against my will, and the woman was a fool. That was, er, fifty years ago. (Some of us are older here.) Counseling has probably gotten better.

On your not deserving to be happy, there is probably some reason you think that.
Whatever you did may be awful, I don't know. I don't mean to make that all sunny - but that with time you can understand about that situation from many sides. Keep going...

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@Frank Apisa,

I really hope you're right I hope I look back and laugh.. I moved about a year ago away from all my friends and family and now it's just me by myself.. I only have very few friends here and have been isolating myself recently.. I know there are people out there that have it way worse than I do and I know most o the bad stuff that had happened in my life is my fault. I just know that when you're in a relationship it helps take the focus off yourself and onto the other person which helps forget about all the bad bullshit goin on in my head.. Maybe I will find It one day..

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

Starting with me back then, my reading has helped me understand human nature and myself (I'm no gem). I was kind of forced to read to get to learn about people.
I'm not talking self help books, I'm talking about good authors of fiction. It's no instant cure, but curiosity about how all of us live can make the floor beneath your feet sturdier.

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@ossobuco,

I was raised a Christian and i don't live the Christian way I on occasion sleep with prostitutes it sickens me that I do this.. I really like the input of ones der than me..they have more knowledge and can sometimes relate.. If I was still with my ex I wouldn't be doing anything bad I know it.. But when she left me its like whats the point in trying to be a good person I have no motivation to better myself.

1 Reply

@Bigshot ,

Bigshot wrote:

I really hope you're right I hope I look back and laugh.. I moved about a year ago away from all my friends and family and now it's just me by myself.. I only have very few friends here and have been isolating myself recently.. I know there are people out there that have it way worse than I do and I know most o the bad stuff that had happened in my life is my fault. I just know that when you're in a relationship it helps take the focus off yourself and onto the other person which helps forget about all the bad bullshit goin on in my head.. Maybe I will find It one day..

I know there are people out there a lot worse off...just as you do. And I used to tell myself that.

But that is intellectualizing the situation...and right now, the hurt is too great to be doing that.

FRIENDS ARE VERY, VERY, VERY IMPORTANT. You gotta figure some way of cultivating some...quickly. At work...at play, if necessary (although the play of booze and drugs usually makes for unhelpful friends).

There's lots of free stuff around in every community. Find something that does not involve lots of dough...and force the issue of friends (just acquaintances if necessary.)

Being alone is not the way to deal with what you are dealing with. FORCE the issue...force yourself to find some way to involve yourself with someone else...preferably with several people.

It will pay off almost immediately.

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@Bigshot ,

I was raised as Catholic, nice for my grammar school and scary strictness from my high school nuns, the memorable teaching from Sr. Mary Anthony being that it was a sin to have pleasure in marriage. They recruited me, and I was saved by my family sending me off on a trip at seventeen before I entered the convent as a postulant. I fell enamored of a guy on the trip (no harm, he understood why I was along on the filming trip and just talked with me as a person. I remember a joke - as we drove through Beaver Dam (Colorado?), he said "where are all the damned beavers?" That struck me as hugely funny. I was the most naive person around. He was very handsome and wise (that is probably true, I read about him later, a very well regarded film editor of big films). Anyway, I didn't want to be a nun after that.

I'm not religious now, which isn't relevant to you, just to say that you may change about how you see the world when you get to know more people. Not to become them, but to get the broader view.
You are already interesting - you don't need to roid up, etc.

1 Reply

@Frank Apisa,

The reason why it's bigshot is because when I was a baby and a kid my dad and mom would call be "bigshot".. Because I was a runt

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

And as far as rejection goes I bought an engagement ring for my ex and then she left me while I was out of state working..

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@Bigshot ,

Geez.

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@ossobuco,

Ohhh Catholicism lol my dad was raised one of them he told me the nuns would beat him lol.. Good you got out of that.. There is so much hypocrisy in most religions now an days..

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@Bigshot ,

That geez was about your parents name for you.

Being left is better early. Many of us have been left.
Alternately, in some places in the world, people are stuck together in bad situations by societal rules.

Read (it'll take a while, worth it to read all the way through, nothing to do in just one day, more like several) -

warning, a lot of us liked this man and his writing even before this thread of his, and commiserate with him a lot in the early thread pages, but plough through that and see what happens, and then happens again, and then ...

http://able2know.org/topic/120974-1

1 Reply

@Bigshot ,

Bigshot wrote:

I hate who I have become I use to be a good guy and I used to have a good life my life has gone to shot since my ex left me. I am doing things I wouldn't have done in a million years if I was with her.. I hate myself not a day goes by where I don't wanna kill myself.. I bought a 45. A couple months ago hoping to get the nerve to kill myself I just can't do it every time I have the gun to my head I think about my family..no body and I mean nobody knows how I feel every ******* day I just want to die.. How can I fix this I'm completely lost I want a happy normal life but I just can't go back to being me. I'm an alcoholic I'm a drug abuser I'm a bad person I hate myself so much. I daydream about killing myself all the time..

A .45 revolver or a .45 automatic ?

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I have a memory of thinking a woman I worked with (I'm a woman in case that isn't clear) was rather spoiled. Slightly dumb acting, no money qualms, ernest when she did talk, with an apparent successful husband who took her out to great dinners and sent huge flower bouquets to our design studio on her birthday and various holidays. Our design studio was a mess at the best of times, so the bouquets stood like giant statues on the storm ridden plain.

tap tap tap

he had started an affair with their dog handler (they had some kind of pedigreed rottweiler, who'll I'll admit was a nice doggie), whom he left her for. Not the dog, the woman. That too was a hard lesson.

Really, get out of yourself and watch the world - by watching and listening, by starting to engage not thinking yourself bad, by writing up what you are seeing, by reading, and/or counseling.

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@OmSigDAVID,

Glock so semi automatic

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@Bigshot ,

First, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Alcohol and drugs may numb you short term but end up submerging you in that state of despair. AA helps many people. Some people actually go simply because they have nobody to turn to. In the end you find acceptance , friendship and understanding. You can reclaim your life. Alcohol is a horrible depressant....don't let it steal your joy.

2 Replies

I can't take it anymore

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