@Bigshot ,
I'm going to repeat the advice that's already been offered, not because I think I have the magic touch in dispensing advice, but because it’s the best advice you're going to get and it bears repeating.
Obtain counseling and very soon.
Abusing alcohol and drugs is bad enough, but if you are seriously considering suicide you are in the midst of a real crisis. Either way you will destroy your life.
Any type of counselling is better than none so if you need to, start with a trusted friend or family member, or talk with a member of the clergy. Call a suicide hotline the next time you have thoughts of suicide.
The best counseling for you right now, I would suggest, is from a professional. Some family physicians see this as part of their role, and if they don't feel equipped for it they can probably refer you to someone who they think is. If for some reason that's not an option than go on-line and look for psychologists in your area who specialize in anxiety and depression. I don't know if you have either, but if you are thinking suicide, a psychologist who specializes in these areas is the right one for you.You need to talk to someone who can determine if pharmaceuticals (the legal kind) might help you, and can make sure you get the right ones.
Often times people attempt to kill themselves (and succeed in so doing) not because they really want to die, but because
they want to stop thinking, to stop worrying, to stop being afraid. It's pretty damned hard to turn off your brain. You can only sleep so long and you can only get so drunk or stay drunk for so long.
Getting drunk or stoned all of the time isn't an answer because while it may provide some temporary relief, alcohol is a depressant (as are most of the drugs people use to zone out and stop thinking). You can drink yourself unconscious, but when you wake up you will only be more depressed than when you started on your binge. First because the alcohol will affect your brain that way, and secondly because you're going to feel physically ill and the combo is probably going to make you hate yourself more. The only answer will be to get drunk again and that cycle will lead you to personal destruction.
You have to break out of that cycle and it's very hard to do it on your own.
Some of us actually do know how you feel, and we know it is a very dangerous way to feel.
Don't put it off, get help. It really doesn't have to be like this for you. You can feel good about yourself again. You don't have to be afraid of thinking. You just have to get started.
All the best and stay in touch.
