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breaking off affair with blackmail involved

 
 
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 09:16 am
I really messed up! I am married to someone who rarely wants to have sex with me (health issues). I thought that maybe I could have sex with someone 'as friends' and we could just be cool. I didn't realize just how bad I would feel about it(I know it was horrible and wrong). When I tried to break things off, he freaked out and threatened to tell my boss that I smoke weed (only occasionally) and to call CPS and have my children taken away from me IF I don't remain friends with him (my husband and I are in the middle of adopting a child we have had since a baby and she is now 3).
I wanted to tell my husband but he says that if I do, then he will definitely wreck my life. He has even said that he is carrying a gun.
I tried to get him to go to therapy and he said no. He also said that if I went he did not care what the therapist said.
I have not smoked any weed since the threat (nor will I). He calls and texts me all of the time and freaks out if I don't respond quickly.
The current situation is that we are just 'friends'. I have to call and text him (or else). He makes me say that I love him, while really I am scared of him, as he is not always rational. He says that I am the only friend that he has and if I leave him then, "everyone is going down!" He honestly thinks that the "only way we can heal is to remain friends."
I feel so overwhelmed. If I tell my husband or dump him, then I will lose my job and our precious 3 year old (I know, it is all my fault) and neither my husband or child deserve this. Do I just try to wean him off of the friendship? HELP.
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 10:11 am
@ameliefrnch,
Here's my suggestion.

First, go to your boss. Explain that you've had issues with weed in the past, but you have stopped and want to do what you can to keep your job. Tell your boss that you are clean and intend to stay that way for good (you are and you do, right?). Offer to take regular drug tests if necessary.

Second, go to your husband. Beg for forgiveness, whatever it takes. You are sorry. You messed up royally. But you are also scared and you are being bullied. If the marriage ends then, yeah, it'll end, and that's unfortunate, particularly for your child and the one you are trying to adopt. But you will have told, and you will have given your husband the choice to stay with you or not.

Then go to the cops, and have them deal with this sack of **** who's trying to blackmail you. If he rats on you to CPS, then you have backing from your boss that you are turning your life around.

I am suggesting your boss before your husband (and, really, one should be on the heels of the other) because retaining your job is going to come in handy if your husband leaves you or CPS is called or you need to fight for custody.

I am also suggesting telling, and doing this, because this is the kind of thing that cuts blackmailers off at the knees. This asshole is banking on your silence. Speak out and remove his power for good. But you need to line up some ducks, to protect both yourself and your family, first.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 10:36 am
@jespah,
I would instead go to a lawyer and have him explained to the gentleman that his behaviors are criminal or are bordering on the criminal beside openly himself to a civil lawsuit if he did any such things as interferrng with her livelihood or her marriage.

Off hand, I can think of a number of cases where blackmailers. over sexual matters, had ended up behind bars.

As far as her past drug used why in the hell would she do anything but denial such a charge if it would come to the ears of her employer along with an offer to take a drug test if her employer would like to confirm that she is not a current drug user.

Anyhow she should do nothing at all until she have a chance to talk to a lawyer.
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 10:57 am
@BillRM,
Best answer.
engineer
 
  4  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 11:25 am
@bobsal u1553115,
I suggest going straight to the police as your life is in danger. The other stuff is your word against his, but if you are receiving death threats or if he is threatening other people you need to get help immediately.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 12:20 pm
@engineer,
Quote:
to the police as your life is in danger


I needed to read her posting over three times before I saw her claim that he told her that he was carrying a gun.

No idea in what content that comment about carrying a gun came out of so I can not judge how must physical danger she might be in however her expressed concerns about people taking her child away from her and such is so over the top that she is likely not to be the most level headed person and yet she just throw that gun "threat" casually into her posting.

Still think she should take a chill pill and see a lawyer first and then go from there.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 12:31 pm
Two can play at the "blackmail" game, so tell him to get out of your life or you'll scream "stalker" and put the cops on him
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 12:40 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
Quote:
Two can play at the "blackmail" game, so tell him to get out of your life or you'll scream "stalker" and put the cops on him


I strongly agree with you that she should warn him to cease and desist or he is not going to be happy with the results but if I was her I would be using a lawyer for that task and stop at once having any direct communication with him of any nature and to hell with his threats.



0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 01:05 pm
I know you've learned a big lesson the hard way. Your husband will likely have to know because your dalliance with a fruitcake has placed his life in danger.

Do you have evidence of his threats in email or chat - saved?

PS - I wouldn't admit guilt of anything to anyone at this moment - and to my boss, never.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 01:31 pm
@Lash,
Lash let look this is a logical manner he got her believing that somehow he have the power to cause others to removed her three years old child from her and that all he got to do is made a phone call and she will surely lost her job and so on.

He is a fruitcake but is he a dangerous fruitcake or just someone targeting a woman that will panic at a drop of the hat?

Bringing in her husband might be a good idea or not a good idea as for example if her husband go out and beat the **** out of this fruitcake that would not aid anyone should it happen.

Bringing in a third party whether it is the police or a woman right counselor or my strong suggestion of a private lawyer is surely needed and she should have no repeat no further contact with this fruitcake no matter what his threats happen to be.

An if he issue violence threats not just somehow being able to have CPS taking away her child or causing her to loss her job then going to the police would be call for directly without any waiting but once more I do not get the impression that the nut case is using violence threats for the most part.
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 01:46 pm
@BillRM,
I happen to agree with you on most points. She's scared and the fruitcake is successfully using her fear against her.

I was suggesting that if she has evidence of his threat saved, she may come out strong and nip this in the bud...without revealing her folly to anyone.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  0  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 02:08 pm
In a way I feel sorry for guys like him,they begin the affair thinking "Wow she's gorgeous!", then 5 minutes later she breaks it off and he's plunged back into terrible loneliness.
It happens all the time (including to me in the past), but whereas I simply took the pain and moved on with my life, a lot of guys can't, and that's when things get messy.
In such situations the woman could write him a long letter (or email) apologising and saying she realises it was a bad stupid idea to start the fling. and that they should both put it behind them.
Maybe that'll do the the trick and ease his hurt a bit and make him cool off.
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 02:21 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
You got to be kidding me and everyone else as from her posting he was aware that she was in a marriage that had a child in it and was in the process of adopting another child

So when it come time for the games to be over and he should be moving on he instead used that fact that she is not hard to panic to try to keep the games going by threatening her, with him somehow having her child taken away from her and causing her to loss her job and so on.

He is indeed a sick fruitcake.
0 Replies
 
engineer
 
  3  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 06:48 pm
@ameliefrnch,
ameliefrnch wrote:

...
I wanted to tell my husband but he says that if I do, then he will definitely wreck my life. He has even said that he is carrying a gun.
...
I have to call and text him (or else). He makes me say that I love him, while really I am scared of him, as he is not always rational. He says that I am the only friend that he has and if I leave him then, "everyone is going down!"

Aren't these lines right out of a mass shooting investigation? After every Columbine, Aurora Theater, etc event we hear that if only people had reported the shooters' unusual behavior, maybe something could have been done. Were I in the OP's shoes, I would not for one minute attempt to handle this myself.
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 06:51 pm
@engineer,
You may be right. I was betting that this is one of the million similar empty threats women get all the time - but, yeah. It could be a legitimate threat.

The better safe than sorry crowd would definitely agree with you.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 07:23 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
Wrong. She might well want something from him in writing, but no way should it ever be a two way street. He already has too much ammunition.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 07:27 pm
To just blank him off is asking for BIG trouble, far better to send him a heartfelt apology letter to at least soften the blow
roger
 
  2  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 07:33 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
You're barking.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 07:44 pm
@engineer,
Quote:
Aren't these lines right out of a mass shooting investigation? After every Columbine, Aurora Theater, etc event we hear that if only people had reported the shooters' unusual behavior, maybe something could have been done


Not to me as it just sound like he is using her complete lack of self confidence to play head games with her at least to me it does.

In fact she herself does not seem to see him as a physical threat as the carrying a gun comment was not given any weight in her posting compare to his threats to somehow get her kid taken away from her and to get her fired from her job.

Of course you could be right and I could be wrong however assholes that enjoy playing head games with women but are otherwise harmless are far far far far more common then mass killers or even just killers for that matter.

Twenty-four hours news channels and a population of 300 millions results in all of us having somewhat unreasonable fear of sick men with assault rifles in their hands.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Fri 20 Jun, 2014 07:48 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
Quote:
To just blank him off is asking for BIG trouble, far better to send him a heartfelt apology letter to at least soften the blow


Yes indeed letting him know how fearful she is of him is going to get rid of him.

It is seldom wise to show any fear to a predator or even a would be predator.

A letter from a lawyer or a call from the cops seems more likely to get him to move on to his next victim.
0 Replies
 
 

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