Breaking it off without hurting her

Forums: Relationships, Marriage, Cheating, Guilt Sucks
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I am cheating on my wife. I know it's a terrible thing to do, and I'm really not "the cheating type", but there was a fantasy I wanted to fill and couldn't think straight until I did, and now I got it out my system I have no desire to ever cheat again. So that's not really the problem.

The problem is the other girl. I met her on a work trip. She knew I was in town only for a short while, so she knew this was not a long term deal. She does not know I'm married. We've had an amazing 2 weeks together.

However, I'm leaving town shortly and we are saying our goodbyes, and she wants to remain friends over our phones. This of course is impossible. But this is a really nice girl, and I am very strict about the "campsite rule", I want her to be happier after she met me than before. I treated her like a queen these few weeks, and I want her to feel loved when I go. Therefore, telling her the nice gentleman she spent 2 weeks with is a cheating a-hole and now she can never trust anyone again is it off the question. So I've come up with two possible things I could tell her, both of which I THINK would be a reasonable thing for a nice single guy to do, but considering I haven't been one in years I don't really know, and that's why I'm asking here.

1) how can I stay friends with someone who made such a big impact on me? Either I'll stay single, and miss her forever, or find a girlfriend and forever compare her with the two weeks I spent with a girl who I was so crazy about. Therefore, the only possible way I can stay sane is by breaking it off, or else I'll be missing her forever.

2) agree to be friends, text back and forth for awhile when I get home (not really an issue, my wife doesn't check any of that stuff) and, a week or two later, I "meet" an amazing girl who I fall in love with, and staying friends with a former lover is really out of the question at that point.

Again, my #1 goal here is to leave her with a great memory, since she had been very lonely and I gave her a well-needed self esteem boost (her words). My #2 goal, very close behind, is to not get caught. What should I do?

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This is how it starts.....

This is how it ends.....

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Quote:

Thaliasmokey said: However, I'm leaving town shortly and we are saying our goodbyes, and she wants to remain friends over our phones.

Lucky you, at least it doesn't look like she wants to come knocking your door, so she's probably realised it was just a temporary fling and has accepted that.
She's probably already guessed you're married anyway.
So you might as well innocently keep in touch with her via secret text or emails so that she won't get upset, and the correspondence will probably eventually peter out.
No need to tell her you're married unless you HAVE to, for example if she says she's coming to visit you at your home.. Wink

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@Thaliasmokey,

Does she know you are married?

Your "boost" to her self esteem is going to crash down when she finds out that she has been used for 2 weeks by a guy who had no right to pursue her.

Good luck with this one.

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@PUNKEY,

He said in the initial post she does not know he is married.

This guy has a screw loose if he thinks he's going to keep communication up with this woman "as a friend"

Yeah, the wife will never find out/figure it out in a million years.

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@PUNKEY,

I'm pretty sure she doesn't know.

I understand where you are coming from, and I was very careful to give more than I received during this liaison do that I would not be "using her". I even went well outside my comfort zone to do things she wanted to do, just to name her happy. I did, however, enjoy these things, but if she does find out I THINK she'll remember me as "that married a-hole who was really nice to me" rather than "that married a-hole who used me for sex for two weeks".

1 Reply

@Romeo Fabulini,

I think this might be the best solution (keeping up with her thru text for an appropriate, yet short, amount of time). Add much as I hate bringing this thing home, I think just texting back and forth for a short while before tapering off wouldn't be too bad. I found a way of hiding it on my phone, so as long as it doesn't last too long I might be ok with the wife not finding out.

The best part of this affair is it taught me the perils of cheating. I've always held that NSA sex isn't really a threat to a marriage, and I still do. If one partner is unwilling to do something that the other partner wants, having a safe fling to relieve tension isn't THAT bad. In my mind, the real danger to a marriage comes when you have an emotional affair with another. This was supposed to be just sex, but it quickly delved into an emotional connection. Knowing this, I will be sure not to stray in the future, since I know how easy it is to get attached and how crappy it feels to break that off.

Oh, and yes I realize that our feelings are probably more infatuation than love. After all, there are so many things she doesn't know about me, so I'm sure there are just as many I don't know about her. If I would, say, break up with my wife and be with her instead, soon we would learn each other's faults and be just like any other couple.

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@Thaliasmokey,

Thaliasmokey wrote:

but if she does find out I THINK she'll remember me as "that married a-hole who was really nice to me" rather than "that married a-hole who used me for sex for two weeks".

Either way you're an a-hole.

From Jimmy Buffett...

Where you born an asshole,
or did you work at it all your life?
Either way, it worked out fine,
'cause your an asshole tonight.

You screw this woman, without telling her you're married, which means you didn't give her the opportunity to follow the morals and ethics she may have, i.e. I don't have sex with married men. You not only screwed her physically, but on a much deeper level.

You have sex with a woman, don't tell her you're married (I guess that lil 'ol wedding band just accidently slipped off, huh?)

You've committed adultry on your wife, which apparantly would hurt her very much. On top of all this, you have the cajones to idly think you may be able to continue being her "friend"....without of course telling her you're married, or telling your wife.

Gee, maybe the 2 of you can get together sometime when you're traveling. In for a penny, in for a pound.

The only potentially redeeming thing in all this would be if that woman was married, and didn't tell/lied about it to you.
That way, at least I could say you two deserve each other.

1 Reply

@Thaliasmokey,

What I don't understand is why you didn't tell her upfront you're married.

Some women prefer short-term relationships to be with married men - it's easier to understand why there isn't a future. A short-term gig with an awesome single guy ALWAYS has potential to be more.

You kinda screwed it up there.

You can't communicate with her in the future, and I'd recommend a new mobile number before you go home.

Fall off the face of the earth as far as she's concerned.

You've fucked this for her any way you slice it.

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@ehBeth,

Nod.

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@chai2,

I actually met her on an adult dating website. Like I said, I was looking to fulfill a fantasy and thought being away for 2 weeks was the perfect opportunity. Apparently I was correct.

My profile on this site made it abundantly clear that I was married. So when we started talking, I acted under the assumption she knew. By the time I realized she wasn't a paying member and therefore couldn't read my profile, so had no idea I was married, I was too involved to break the bad news.

And I am well aware that I cannot remain friends with this woman, that's the reason for this entire thread.

Also, I know cheating is frowned upon, and I'm usually a frowner not a frownee, but when you look at this from a morally neutral perspective, it's a lot more of a moral gray area than it looks. This girl comes away from this better than she was before, having someone who fawned over her for 2 weeks straight certainly didn't harm her. My wife gets to have me quit bugging her to do something she doesn't want to do. The only negative here is that I wasn't truthful, and that's just because I couldn't be. I would much rather have been honest with both women, and the situations would have both been the same, except both would have been mad at me. So I was only dishonest out of necessity.

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@Thaliasmokey,

Thaliasmokey wrote:

I am cheating on my wife. So that's not really the problem.

The problem is the other girl.

uh, so, yeah, so the problem IS that YOU are screwing around on your wife.

The problem isn't the other "girl".

The problem is YOU and that YOU are screwing around.

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@ehBeth,

See above. I tried to be upfront about my status, but a misunderstanding kept her out of the loop. However, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have spoken twice to me if she knew I was married. Both of these women are clearly better people than I am.

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@Thaliasmokey,

in real life what I would say to you is

**** that bullshit.

I'd probably say it to you many times - because you are seriously full of bullshit if you think anyone other than you has any possibility of coming out ahead on this.

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@Thaliasmokey,

Thaliasmokey wrote:

I tried to be upfront about my status, but a misunderstanding kept her out of the loop.

seriously.

bullshit.

you could have started your very first conversation with, I'm in town for a couple of weeks, I'm married, do you still want to to do this?

1 Reply

@Thaliasmokey,

I hope you have a real-life friend who you can talk to about this because someone needs to call you on this face to face.

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@ehBeth,

That's exactly what my ad said, and I had no reason to believe she never read it. In fact, maybe she did and knows I'm married and just never mentioned it, I dunno.

And I realize I was an a-hole during this whole thing. That's why my man objective is to keep these two women happy, and not trying to save my ass.

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@Thaliasmokey,

So you just assumed she knew you were married but for some reason you never mentioned your wife?

weird

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

If I slept with a married woman, the last thing I would want is her to constantly talk about her husband.

I'm not trying to save my soul. I realize I did a bad thing. I know it's not possible for everyone to come out ahead in this situation, but if it were possible in some situation, then this would be it. I tried as hard as possible to make sure the needs and wants of all parties involved were taken care of, except for the cheating part.

1 Reply

You are so ******* pwned.

1 Reply

Breaking it off without hurting her

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