Need encouragement and advice...

therapy is good idea-- but, it doesn't sound like she would be too open to the idea. but, thehusband, you can go to a therapist. this way you can examine some of what you are discussing here, and i'm sure your wife will take notice. she needs to respect the decisions you make for yourself.

thehusband, it's ok to say what you need, but the differences in your marriage have gotten deep enough that it's easier to just hope it will get better. but it won't, unless you take some kind of action.

and, forgive me for saying this, but to a certain degree, at this point, you're silence is an indirect version of hostility as well.

I really appreciate all of the advice here. I have talked to her some more, and some other things have come out that she has been going through. And I brought up, while she was calm, how she finds something to get mad at me when she is going through something so she will have somewhere to take her frustrations out. She agreed that she does this and we talked about it some, and I told her that I am here for her tell her frustrations to and to talk about things, but I wasnt going to let her treat me like that anymore when she acts like that. And I will stick to it, and now that I have told her, when I actually stand by what I told her, if she does it again, she will respect that. So we are doing a lot better I think.

Thanks again for the advice, as a "just hatched" person in this forum and in marriage, it has really helped to have somewhere to dump out my emotions on the whole thing, and then get good advice of how to deal with it, instead of the irrational way that comes natural Thanks.

I'm glad you're feeling better, newly-hatched HUSBAND.......by the way......do you have a basement? (giggling)






Ossobuco.....thanks for explaining this place to me. I erased my URL and will never again post one.

Yeah I have a basement... are you suggesting I should use it as an escape when needed?

Re: Need encouragement and advice...


Do you realize what this exact same post would say if the word he were replaced with she? What do you think women would have to say about a man who treated them this way? I will tell you, ABUSIVE!!

We all are able to express frustration to a loved one, not make them pay for it. You are allowing someone control of your emotions. Your day and how you feel is dependent of how your wife feels when she walks in the door. If she has a bad day, so do you. If she has a good day, so do you.

I have to ask, where do you stand in this relationship? As a punching bag figuratively and literally? This is how enablement works to support an abusive relationship. You are trying hard to meet her needs and be so understanding when the outside world, which has nothing to do with you or your relationship and is completely out of your hands, allows her to dictate your emotions and behavior.

I would advise counseling, but she may not wish to change. I would also advise Alanon for co-dependency and to learn about enablement of abuse. It isn't always about substance abuse, but the best support group around, to date.

You have to stop enabling behavior. You have to stop allowing her to take frustration out on you, when you did nothing to deserve it. You need limits in your relationship, if it is ever going to work. Once she gets the job she wants, it doesn't end there, ever. You will only get more excuses to take rage out on you. It isn't your fault!!!

Get help for yourself. I only hope your wife is going to be willing to participate. Don't expect this. She may not. She may wish for everything to be the same, which is a life you do not want. Abuse is just that. She should only be expressing frustration or anger about her career to you, not taking it out on you and making you pay, but she is. You should be supportive of her. This is far from what you are describing. She is taking everything that doesn't suit her out on you and making you pay. You are tolerating it. It wont stop with any career goal, so don't fool yourself. You shouldn't have to endure abuse, which is exactly what you are describing.

Seriously, look up enablement of any type of problem an individual may have. When you fix the symptoms, you don't make that person fix their own problems, which only they can do, if willing or lose their spouse. It is their choice, not yours. Do yourself a big favor and never tolerate abuse.

I think what you are doing already is smart and loving, thehusband. Good luck to both of you.

PS. I never read responses, only the question. My answer may be outdated. Yeah, I wish you both all the best as well!! I just want to get you ready for it, just in case it doesn't turn out that way. Many times it doesn't.