Need encouragement and advice...

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I have been married about 1 1/2 years. My wife has been going through a lot lately concerning her job status. Basically, she is striving for a certain job, which I believe is a perfect fit for her and will help fulfill her, and a lot of roadblocks are coming in her way. She has been fighting this basically since we got married. She didnt decide till about a year ago on this career choice and has been trying for it ever since. This, among other things, keeps waying on her emotions and making her feel badly about herself.

Now I am not a perfect husband, but I try VERY hard to be there for her. I work around the house, I console her, I take her out on the town after a bad day, I love on her, etc etc. However, whenever she gets in her "I hate myself" moods, I catch ALL of the flack. I seriously cannot do anything right. Somehow, she finds something, even if it is as little as my pulling out to quick into traffic, and just loses her temper at me. Now I know, and we have even talked about it before, that she is not really mad at me but she is just getting it out of her system. It still makes me feel horrible though. I have told her on several occasions how badly it makes me feel, and she says she is sorry and will try now to do it again, but as soon as she gets down again, I get it again.

Also, our sex life suffers horribly because of this. We have sex about once a week, and a lot of times I feel like it is only because she feels bad. The last time that we had sex and I know we both really enjoyed it and wanted to was Valentines Day. So between always catching the flack from her bad moods and not being fulfilled sexually, I am starting to get very frustrated and very disinheartened.

I am not trying to make my wife sound evil, she can be very loving and fun and enjoyable to be around. But the longer this weighs on her, the worse it gets. I want to continue to be a loving, understanding husband. But it is getting hard. What should I do?

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How long did you know her before you got married?

(Welcome, btw, just trying to get a little more info before I respond.)

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It's a tough situation, emotionally. I've been down the "I'm just venting" argument many many times before. I get so frustrated sometimes, I don't know what to say, or what kind of response is expected of me. You haven't been married that long, so there IS time to work through this, and you sound devoted, so it is worth it to try. I will give you some suggestions that worked for me, and I hope they might be helpful. First, if she is on an emotional tear, you have to be the strong and sensitive one. Too much 'sensitive' and it won't work. Sometimes, in a calm but firm voice, a phrase like "I understand how much this situation is affecting you emotionally, but there is no need to take it out on me. I would like to hear about what is really bothering you." This is a way of diffusing the 'blame'. Sincere, but strong. Lots of us married men feel the need to bend or be non-responsive in these situations, but what your wife really needs is strength plus support, and some direction. Second, sometimes telling her how bad she makes you feel is not a good idea. She may just want to get her confused feelings out of the way before you talk about how it affects you. Deal with the situation first, and when she is calmed down a bit, discuss your feelings, in a reasonable, balanced way. When she is venting, it really is her time, and you have to be strong enough to get through it without getting angry or frustrated. Anyway, I hope I'm not rambling, but those are my thoughts.

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We met and were friends for about six months before we started dating. We dated two years and then were engaged for one. So 3 1/2 years all together before we got married.

I def know there is time to work through this. I am from the way of thinking of "once married always married". However, I dont want it be "once married... miserable".

So, cavfancier, your saying my strength should be shown in standing above and through her emotions and venting and then once it has passed try to talk about her true feelings, and not letting on that it hurts when she does this, right?

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if i may be so bold, i would begin by taking a sentimental line from Camelot (the show); "the way to handle a woman is to love her, simply love her."

and that seems to be what you have been doing; but, do you ever instigate long quiet talks about dreams, desires, long term goals, and such somewhat basic life processes?

the corollary: the way to love a woman, is to talk to her.

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thehusband wrote:

We met and were friends for about six months before we started dating. We dated two years and then were engaged for one. So 3 1/2 years all together before we got married.

I def know there is time to work through this. I am from the way of thinking of "once married always married". However, I dont want it be "once married... miserable".

So, cavfancier, your saying my strength should be shown in standing above and through her emotions and venting and then once it has passed try to talk about her true feelings, and not letting on that it hurts when she does this, right?

I would say that it is clear that she needs her time to vent, at least through these hard times, and that you do need to be strong through this, as hard as it is. You have a right to tell her that it hurts you when she does this, but the more she is focused on her goals, the quicker she will get through this, hopefully. If the venting is misdirected, i.e., if it is about her work choices or something not related to you, and she directs it at you, I think it is fair to say that if she wants to talk about her feelings seriously, she should focus on what is really important, not bashing you, who is, at least from your posts, sincere and supportive. It is likely this may drive her insane, but be patient. I'm sure she'll get over it, and I'm also sure that if she is very focused on this career choice right now, the last thing she wants to hear is that she makes you miserable as well. She is already making herself miserable. Patience...that's what it takes. Don't make every conflict about you right now. Let her work things through for a while and just be there for her. Accept what she says, that these criticisms are not personal, and let it go. She needs your strength right now.

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Thanks for the additional info, thehusband. You've been getting some good advice.

The reason I asked about how long you've known each other is I was wondering how specific this is to her job. Was she like this before you were married, too?

I'm trying to figure out if she's going through a specific situation that will affect her behavior once it is resolved, or if she's just generally "venty."

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I def know she needs my strength now. And that is what I have been trying to do for the past year. Sometimes, I just lose focus and need to be brought back to it.

All of this advice is great... I just dont have any close married friends that I can share with and help me out with encouragement, so I figure this is the next best thing.

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just be careful; our 'bark' is worse than our 'bite'! Confused

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You sound like a pretty thoughtful guy. Have you ever wondered if she would treat others the same way? I'm betting she wouldn't and is using you as a foil, however subconsciously. I'm also wondering if those "bad days" typically occur around the same time of the month.

Just a thought.

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I know she doesnt treat other people the way she treats me. Which is very frustrating. I try to tell her I need to be her ally in this and that I am here for her, but not as her way to vent her frustration. And sure the bad days are worse while she is PMSing, but that is def not the source of them.

Again, I dont want to just bad mouth her all over this forum. She is a loving women who is very strong willed (in everything) but that I love and enjoy her company. I just want to be available as emotional support not a dumping ground of emotions.

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Quote:

And sure the bad days are worse while she is PMSing, but that is def not the source of them.

Are you sure? Look, I'm not saying that there are never legitimate frustrations sparking negative reactions, I'm suggesting that the ability to react to them appropriately can be compromised by PMS.

Simply being aware can help her irritability. Other things, like avoiding caffeine, alcohol and refined sugar for the seven days leading up to her period can have a profound impact. Since it's HER stress that is causing problems and since she concedes her behaviour toward you is hurtful, but continues to do it anyway, perhaps there is something SHE should be doing. I hear your message loud and clear - she is a good woman and you love her.

I just don't think it is necessarily YOU that should be trying harder.

No?

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husband, what people have told you is really the kindest route. but a warning light goes off in my head about her behavior...i'm wondering what makes her so consistently moody? i know you say it'ss the job/career thing, but hell, can't she just relax and try to turn it off once in a while? life is too short to be banging your head against the wall over a career-

can't you sset some boundaries, and say, ok, this amount of time we'll talk about the messed up job, then you can focus on your relationship. it just sounds like she's sucking the life out of your marriage

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Husband.......I'd like to suggest that instead of being nice and manipulating yourself into a permanent victim-position, you quietly get up and walk out of wherever you are with your wife, when she starts raggin' on you........be that in a room, in a bed, in a restaurant, walking on the street, etc.

You need to untrain your lady.

Your silent but immediate exits will let her know that a husband should be loved and honored, instead of being made the constant recipient of his wife's rage at the world.

It's amazing, really, how many individuals have the mistaken notion that being married means one can abuse one's partner with impunity, when this is exactly the one person in their life, who ought NEVER to be abused.

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katya makes a great point.

sure, she needs your strength, but you know, you need hers, too.

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Yeah thats def where I dont know where to draw the line. I have told her before she needs to treat me as an ally and not an enemy when she is going through these moods. I guess I just need to "enforce" it more.

katya8 wrote:

It's amazing, really, how many individuals have the mistaken notion that being married means one can abuse one's partner with impunity, when this is exactly the one person in their life, who ought NEVER to be abused.

Thats exactly how I feel. I just kind of at a loss of making that happen.

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"You need to untrain your lady."

Wow...for once I agree with Katya8. I was trying to say the same thing, although not so direct.

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Yes, untrain. But walking away in such a situation does not contribute to solving problems, methinks. I know that if my man did that, even if i was venting on his account (and a sensible woman does realize this, may feel guilty and thus even krankier at herself). I would feel hurt and offended. I think kindness and firmness a la Cavfancier sounds most helpful. Communication and understanding is the key, but on both sides. She has to understand you too and not be so selfish and submit you to emotional blackmail due to her own stress.

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I am with Katya here. I agree that it is wrong how some couples treat each other less than they would others.

While your wife is going through something stressful, this can become habit-forming and hard for her to break after the situation has changed (if she gets the job of her dreams, will she still take out her stresses on you?) It is one thing to be supportive and strong for her, it is another to take abuse.

I don't care what a person is going through, it is wrong to take it out on someone else. I speak from personal experience. I was dating a guy and I was very stressed out over a job situation (I hated my job). I held it all inside with the people I work with and then took it out on him in private. I was mean and moody and cranky and just generally not nice to be around. I snapped at him for stupid things and burst into tears at a moments notice. My bf was a sweetheart and didn't deserve any of this but it wasn't until one day that I was berating him again for something inconsequential that he looked up at me with a sad-dog expression and told me (in a soft gentle voice) that I was being a bitch to him. It stopped me dead. My quiet unassuming guy said the b-word. It was the swearing that caught my attention, because he generally never did. But it was that short sentence and his sad sad face that was like a slap. He was absolutely right. I swore (coz I'm the swearing kind!) that I would check myself if I ever did it again. It took a long time but I finally got out of the habit of abusing him (and this was abusing him!) Once in a while I would catch myself in a mood and would stop and laugh remembering that day. It was a wake up call and I am ashamed to admit I was that person but grateful that I learned a lesson.

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Heeven, sounds exactly like what my wife does. I think it will take her finally seeing herself and what she is doing in order for it to stop.

Next time I will just call her a b-- and see if that works Wink

I do feel bad her for her though, cause she is going through a lot, not just the job thing, but that seems to be a lot of it. Basically an all round feeling like a loser is going on right now. I am just praying she works herself out of it soon. Because I think, and I have told her this, that no matter what goes on in the future with her job or anything else will necessarly make her feel better. She needs to learn to have peace in her life from the inside, not based on outside circumstances. She personalizes way to many things that go on, even if they are out of control.

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