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Should I feel guilty about not helping my mother financially?

 
 
Jinn
 
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 07:10 pm
My mom recently got laid off at her job but she'll be getting the maximum amount of unemployment, and she's been getting some call ins for interviews as of lately. However, because I'm 18 my dad no longer supplies my mom with child support. I am working a lot at the moment, putting money into savings, spending cash on gas money, and buying my own food/drinks.

I live between my mom and dad's house, but when I'm at my mom's house, she's almost constantly asking me for money. My mom has always been needy and even greedy when it comes to money, and I honestly believe it hasn't changed since I was a mere 14. She regularly chats me on Facebook and calls me telling me how much "she's broke" and "needs so and so cash." Although she doesn't ask me for large amounts, she'll almost constantly ask for 20 dollars and 30 dollars there; that's a lot for me considering I obviously don't make a lot on my job! I'm only 18!

Whenever we talk, she almost never asks me to say "how are you doing?." They are always about money. Just recently she asked for 30 bucks; what the hell am I supposed to do about that? I recently got paid 115, and RIGHT off the bat I gave her 60 bucks as my contribution, and I have gas which is about 20 bucks, and savings which is about 15..I barely have anything left over! I'm also tired of her resorting to the guilt trip on me about how i'm a "selfish son" if I don't give her the money at an instant. As I said, I give her sometimes well over half my paycheck! How is this not enough?

It honestly feels like i'm the only 18 year old experiencing this, because I look at my friends and they seem to have it nicely made

I want to live with my dad because my mom is ruthless when it comes to money along with other complications; they've never been resolved and I feel incredibly stressed constantly at my mom's

I want to live at my dad's house, but everytime I bring it up, my mom gets outrageously pissed at me and she tells me that "it won't solve anything" and "you can't just escape to your dad's house"

This irritates me, as i'm not happy at my mom's house

I know that if I break to her, she'll be extremely pissed. Not to mention, she's very controlling of me.

Funny thing is, I'm 18! Aren't I entitled to live wherever now? I'm at my dad's house frequently, and I want to live there so badly, and I'll do whatever it takes

Basically my two questions are

A) Should I feel guilty about not helping my mother financially?
B) Should I move to my dad's house, and if so, how will I break to it to my mom?
 
jespah
 
  7  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 07:15 pm
@Jinn,
You're over 18, and are legally considered an adult for most things. That includes deciding where you're going to live.

As for guilt, your feelings are your own. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The same is true of guilt. This is not you being uncaring; this is you breaking what could easily turn into a cycle of dependency.
Jinn
 
  1  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 07:33 pm
@Jinn,
Wow, what in the HELL is this "grow the **** up" crap by the tags. Not a very intelligent thing to mark

Can I please get some advice here instead of this?

**BTW thank you for the response jespah, I appreciate the answer**
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 07:36 pm
What?

That wasn't what Jespah said.
Jinn
 
  1  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 07:37 pm
@ossobuco,
No I wasn't talking about Jespah whatsoever

Someone just wanted to be cute and put a tag by the question saying "grow the **** up you stupid c***" or something.
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 07:55 pm
@Jinn,
I don't currently see any tags like that. Maybe earlier at one point some idiot did those tags and it was changed. Sometimes there are some unthinking clods. Just ignore them, if you can.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 07:56 pm
@Jinn,
Have you talked to your father about this?

What would your financial responsibilities be in his home if you moved there?

___

It sounds like you're being more than fair by giving your mother 50% or more of your paycheque.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 08:29 pm
I doubt that at your age you have the ability to support your mom, and you should not feel guilty about not doing what you cant do. Secondly, is there no on in this family that can step in to give you some relief? Maybe an aunt or uncle who can talk to your mom about her behavior?

Beware, if she is still like this at this age her irresponsibility and narcissism will never change, decide what you are willing to do and then do no more, this is a bottomless pit.
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 09:30 pm
@jespah,
I agree with jespah. If you give your mother any money, she will become a dependent for the rest of her life.

No guilt on your part is needed or required. Your parents are the ones who gave you birth, and all adults should be self sufficient unless they have an illness or disability that prevents them from working.

Once you give in to your mother's request for money, it will never end. That's how dependency works.

Good luck.
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  2  
Reply Fri 16 May, 2014 10:03 pm
Quote:
Should I feel guilty about not helping my mother financially?
I suggest that in making your decision,
u consider how good of a mother she has been.

That might influence your decision in regard to giving her money.





David
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 04:07 am
@Jinn,
Some people think it's funny to post graffiti tags. Sorry 'bout that. You can always tag your own topic, and topic creators' tags get more weight than others, and are more likely to stick.

And you're welcome - welcome to A2K.
0 Replies
 
Jinn
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 07:19 am
@Jinn,
"I don't currently see any tags like that. Maybe earlier at one point some idiot did those tags and it was changed. Sometimes there are some unthinking clods. Just ignore them, if you can"

Yeah, true on that

"Have you talked to your father about this?

What would your financial responsibilities be in his home if you moved there?"

To be honest, i'm afraid, not because of what he'll say (he'll more than likely back me up), but how my mom and him will get into a horrible argument over it. I want to, but my mom makes it very clear and threatens me to never talk to my dad about how she asks me for money. My dad wouldn't be asking me for money, but that means I'd have to stay in school full-time and pay for gas and entertainment on my own, which is more than fine for me.

I'm tempted to ask him, however now that you make that comment. Thanks for the answer, appreciated

"I doubt that at your age you have the ability to support your mom, and you should not feel guilty about not doing what you cant do. Secondly, is there no on in this family that can step in to give you some relief? Maybe an aunt or uncle who can talk to your mom about her behavior?

Beware, if she is still like this at this age her irresponsibility and narcissism will never change, decide what you are willing to do and then do no more, this is a bottomless pit."

They wouldn't do it. My mom's parents are somewhat dysfunctional, and there's no way any of my other family members would help, especially my dad (and that's understandable....they are divorced)

"I agree with jespah. If you give your mother any money, she will become a dependent for the rest of her life.

No guilt on your part is needed or required. Your parents are the ones who gave you birth, and all adults should be self sufficient unless they have an illness or disability that prevents them from working.

Once you give in to your mother's request for money, it will never end. That's how dependency works.

Good luck."

Uff, yeah there's no denying that unfortunately

"I suggest that in making your decision,
u consider how good of a mother she has been.

That might influence your decision in regard to giving her money."

To be perfectly honest, I love my mom but I don't like the way she has become over the years, if that makes any sense. A lot of it is personal

"Some people think it's funny to post graffiti tags. Sorry 'bout that. You can always tag your own topic, and topic creators' tags get more weight than others, and are more likely to stick.

And you're welcome - welcome to A2K."

Thanks, hopefully i'll post here more often


bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 08:47 am
@Jinn,
Basically, Jespah told you to grow up. Just saying.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 08:54 am
@OmSigDAVID,
A reasonable suggestion.
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 11:26 am
@Jinn,
When u rule on your mother 's applications
for your financial support, u can take her threats into consideration,
or u can choose to apply mercy, if u wish. Decide which is appropriate.

U have the option of paying her according to the quality of her earlier service to u,
depending on how satisfied u have been with that service.





David
Jinn
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 04:28 pm
@Jinn,
"Basically, Jespah told you to grow up. Just saying."

It would be somewhat cool to explain instead of just acting like an asshole
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 05:15 pm
@Jinn,
Jinn -talk to your dad. You don't have to start with your desire to leave your mother's home - but talk to him. He's obviously got experience dealing with her.

You're young and you should be protected and cared for - not the person responsible for your parent's care.
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 05:57 pm
@ehBeth,
I'll add to what ehBeth said. It's very important to be financially responsible, and that means saving money now for a) emergencies, b) down payment on a home and/or car, c) retirement. Starting young when you begin working and earning money is the time to make financial decisions that are based on solid financial management. Many people don't save enough for retirement, and it's too late when they think they'll start "tomorrow" that never comes.

People now live much longer, and at current longevity, many expect to live 30 years beyond retirement. Forget those fancy lattes and fashion clothes. Save, save, and save. It's okay to spoil yourself once-in-awhile. Just budget responsibly.
spikepipsqueak
 
  4  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 07:17 pm
@cicerone imposter,
I have a similar conversation with my own son, but in reverse. (He occasionally offers me money, bless him) I tell him I didn't have a child so I could harvest him for cash, later. The nurturing is meant to go in the other direction.

Your Mum would survive on the income she has, if you weren't around. She would learn to curb her wants. I suspect she has enough for her needs.

You are already chipping in to help cover your share of expenses.

I disagree with OmSigDavid. It's not a commercial transaction based on your satisfaction with her mothering skills. But your Mum is trying to reverse the natural order. We try to send our children out into the world with the best grounding we can and shouldn't try to drag them down when they are finding their feet. She is also reversing things by putting you in a position of having to teach her fiscal responsibility.

You might have to accept responsibility for her towards the end of her life, but don't let her batten on you now.

And DON'T feel guilty for drawing clear lines. What she's doing is unfair.
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 17 May, 2014 07:45 pm
@spikepipsqueak,
Most of us survived based on our own training and understanding of financial responsibility. Very few learned it at home. In this world, it helps to have a college education that almost guarantees a better standard of living. All my siblings and I had to fund our own college education, because our parents were too poor. I have met many people like us who had almost nothing as children, but did pretty well in our adult life. We were lucky in having lived during one of the best periods of American life when education was almost free, and opportunities were much greater than other periods of our country's history.

Having worked in management for most of my working life, I had the opportunity to attend many management seminars and training programs. The one principle that helped me greatly was to increase savings/assets whether it applied to our private life or for the company I worked for. In order to increase savings, I made it my responsibility to make working more efficient, and in most places I worked, I cut staffing without reducing productivity. All my bosses loved me for it, and I was rewarded often.

Early in our marriage, I told my wife we would save 15 to 20% of our income. To make a long story short, I retired early, and my avocation is world travel and photography.

I've always followed the basic principles of investing. a) don't put all your eggs in one basket. b) diversify, c) invest regularly, and d) buy low and sell high. I don't always follow the other advise of financial pundits such as 1) don't try to time the market, and 2) as you age, increase your investment into bonds.

In 2007 when the DOW hit 14,000, I sold 37% of my funds, and repurchased them when it hit 8,500. I started selling off my bond funds over two years ago when I saw that interest rates were depressed (not keeping up with inflation). Last year when my funds increased by 22%, I sold 16% of my funds because I 'felt' that 2014 would be a struggling year, and I wanted to have some 'cash' to carry me over for at least two years in a struggling market. For YTD, our funds are up 2% while the DOW is down .5%. I don't think that's too bad based on average returns.

I continue to read the financial pages of the local newspaper, read financial news on the internet, and once in awhile read the WSJ. I try to gage the macro-economics of the world's economies to arrive at a guess as to how the market will perform. I've been pretty accurate, and satisfied with the results.


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