My fiance broke up with me but hasn't asked for ring back. Advice please!

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I have been with my fiancé for seven years and have known him for 12 years. We started dating when I was 23 and he 21. We recently got engaged four months ago, which was what I wanted. Unfortunately, my parents and his father were not exactly happy about the engagement. My parents, mostly my Dad, will not give their consent until he completes a college degree, and his father has never approved of our relationship, as he doesn’t believe in interracial relationships.

My fiancé was a mechanic for a few years and then decided to pursue a military career after I declined moving out together in 2011. At the time our relationship was rocky. I did choose to support his plan to join the army. He moved to the midwest for training in 2012. We have been in a long distance relationship since then and have honestly both put in the effort to make things work. However, after our engagement he has been very distant. He was not happy, nor was I about the response we received. He does not want to pursue a college education. I work in education and have always expressed my concerns about my opportunities as an army wife and before our engagement we decided that he would come home and pursue another career. However, things have really hit the fan. He won’t communicate with me at all and saids we are on two different paths. I just find this really hard to come to terms with. I even told him I would compromise and relocate if he wanted to stay in the military. He still refuses to speak to me. I guess what makes it harder is that he did everything through a text message. He never asked for the ring back or any of his stuff and has not changed his fb status. I am not sure what is going on with him. He is being deployed in July and I thought maybe he is stressed out. It’s not like him to be this cold towards me. Normally, we would talk it out but he won't communicate with me. I have been so sad. Do I stop wearing his ring and move on? I just don't know.

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@maura2424,

Clearly he is stressed out. And he is stressed out for more reason than just his being deployed.

But, until he communicates with you (forget about texts for this type of issue), you can only guess and guessing is useless. You don't deserve being kept in the dark. This is not a small matter as his lack of communication from him is cruel and immature of him.

However, no one here can tell you what is in his mind nor could we advise what is best for you. There are issue/problems with both sets of parents with a marriage between you two. That seems important to both of you.

I can only add that you have my sympathy.

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@maura2424,

The ring is a gift. Unless it is some sort of family heirloom, he has no right to ask for it back, as he is the one to break the engagement.

As for the rest of it, I am so sorry. Can you see if you can go through an intermediary, one of his parents, a sibling if he has one, the pastor at your church? The man may want no more contact but you do need some answers, at minimum.

Hang in there. People do drift apart, and engagements have been broken before. You can recover from this, and you will. You're gonna be okay.

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Two words: keep it.

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I hope your primary concern isn't the ring he saved and saved to buy you. I hope the primary concern is your responsibility toward and relationship with this man you were with for so many years.

I'm sure your fiance expected you to tell your father that this man was the love of your life - and gaining a degree wasn't a hurdle he'd have to accomplish before you'd marry him - unless that's not true - and you sort of passive aggressively allowed your dad to take the heat for setting this barrier to your wedding. Obviously, you aren't engaged. You should not be wearing an engagement ring.

At any rate, that ring signifies a man's desire to make you his wife. I think it's always wrong to keep it if the wedding doesn't take place. You didn't pay for it. You two aren't getting married.

Do you love him? Do you want to marry him? Do you at least want to find out why he disappeared from your life? Go to him and find out. Apologize if you crushed him by agreeing with your father instead of standing up for your fiance. Return his ring.

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@maura2424,

Listen to Lash.

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@Lash,

Unfortunately, I don't have a very good relationship with my father, as my parents split up when I was a child. I did speak to my Mother about our relationship and my decision to move forward regardless of their concerns. I think my fiancé found it extremely hurtful since he is very close to my family, excluding my father.

I still have hope that we will reconcile because he has not asked for the ring back or any of his belongings, nor changed his online status to single. I don't want to voluntarily provide these things and completely end any hope of communication. I have never reached out to blogs or any social site for advice but in this situation I need an unbiased opinion.

I love this man and I know I didn't handle the situation in the best way. I was very hurt myself and found it difficult to address the situation in a matter of two days before his departure back to the military. If he made it clear it was over then I think it would be easier to move forward but he hasn't. And it's the uncertainty that I am struggling with. How can I walk away from him with this type of uncertainty? I just can't.

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@maura2424,

Reach out to your partner.

Talk to him.

Let him know how you feel about him.

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@maura2424,

Listen to ehbeth.

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@ehBeth,

Listen to bobsal!

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Quote:

Maura said: He won’t communicate with me at all and saids we are on two different paths....He still refuses to speak to me....Do I stop wearing his ring and move on? I just don't know.

Ask him straight out if you've got a future together. If he says no, give him back the ring and move on.

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@maura2424,

Quote:

My fiance broke up with me but hasn't asked for ring back. Advice please!

BEST ADVICE: I ADVISE YOU:

GROW UP. But don't worry. He's just messing with your head.

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Gosh, all this time with this man and he refuses to give you an explanation?

You deserve to know what's going on. He can't leave you hanging like that.

He needs to find the words to tell you what's on his mind.

Not everyone is going to be a college graduate. And if he likes the military, that may be his "career." Perhaps he might think that you think that is not good enough.

His deployment is complicating things, too.

I hope he can talk to you about this. If not, then let him go.

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@PUNKEY,

He did it deliberately, PUNKEY. He's not going to let her slip through his fingers.

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He sounds stressed and avoidant. I've no advise.

The ring seems a red herring - I'd give it back, but that's just me.
That would depend on if he wanted it, but I'd ask.

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@jespah,

Quote:

The ring is a gift. Unless it is some sort of family heirloom, he has no right to ask for it back, as he is the one to break the engagement.

Sorry but in almost all states of the US an engagement ring is a conditional gift that depend on a marriage happening and for whatever reason if a marriage does not occur the man can demand the ring back.

But the ring is not the problem here and my suggestion would be for her to get on a plane and go talk to the man.

Oh, if she love him I would also suggest telling the families to butt out.

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@BillRM,

Yup. Bill's got it.

There have been some interesting court decisions about the ring and who it belongs to in several jurisdictions. The life lesson I got from most of the decisions is that it's best to get engaged at Christmas or your birthday - then judges occasionally rule that the ring was NOT exclusively for the engagement.

Talk to your guy - and tell your families to back off. You are both grown-ups.

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@ehBeth,

Quote:

The life lesson I got from most of the decisions is that it's best to get engaged at Christmas or your birthday - then judges occasionally rule that the ring was NOT exclusively for the engagement.

With great foresight when my now wife broke our engagement I told her to keep the ring and that ended up saving me from needing to buy another ring years later when we did get re-engage and then married.

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@ossobuco,

urg, I hate misspelling 'advice'.

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@jespah,

Um no, by law the ring is not a gift and in essence its a "promise to complete an obligation" e.g marry if she refuses to give back the ring he can sue her in civil court and he will win. He has to specify in writing or some other way that indicates its a gift. An engagement ring is not a gift unless its declared one. I'm no lawyer but watched enough judge Mathis to know.

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My fiance broke up with me but hasn't asked for ring back. Advice please!

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