HELP: Girlfriend stalking old lover for 4 years behind my back

Of course, I can t speak about female emotions,
but your posted information reminds me of how
I felt about a blonde descendent of the Austrian Aristocracy
who had made social overtures to me, b4 she dumped me.





David

Can anyone tell me why did this happen?
Why is she always going back to look at him when she is already in a relationship with me?

Please tell me what to do.

Could be simple curiosity or voyeurism.

If she hasn't attempted a contact with him, then don't worry.

shes been doing it for 4 years, doesnt it show that sooner or later, she'll definitely make her move? 4 years.. thats hell a long time to me... what does it mean? i'm just a rebound until she decides to make her move for him? what am i supposed to do then?

Maybe she feels as insecure about your relationship as you do.

When you are going to snoop, be prepared to accept the consequences of what you might find.

What should you do? Talk with her, ask her how she feels about your relationship and where she sees it going. Don't mention your snooping. Put more effort into improving communication between you two.

Thank you for the reply.
I tried to talk to her.
One moment she said shes hurt by him in the past, the next moment she said that she needed to look at him to confirm that she loves me, another moment she said when we have fights, she'll need to look back at those "happy times" in the past of being secretly in love with him.

Im just so confused. @Butrflynet Could you tell me whether it is time I leave this relationship? I really had enough of feeling like a rebound.

That is a decision only you can make. If you need to organize your thoughts, use the pro/con method. Take two sheets of paper, label one "should I stay in this relationship?" and label the other "should I leave this relationship?". Draw a line down the middle of each page and label one column pros and the other con's. Take three or four days on each question to really think about things and list the pros and con's of each option. If you work it honestly, you'll find your answer there.

She don't talk to him does she, so what are you worried about?
We all look up old friends and acquaintances on the net for curiosity to see what they're doing, I wouldn't call it "stalking"..

I like what Butrflynet suggested for you to do. It gives you a decent scope on how really the relationship is.

If you fight a fair bit, happiness is always sought after, doesn't mean she secretly wants him, it means to me she secretly wants HAPPINESS and she isn't.

No one likes rejection how many times were you rejected? Or if you were to be single, how many times do you think you may be rejected? We always wonder in those instances, what was wrong with me?

She's not convinced she is happy. Forget what she is doing and look deeper into what you two have and don't have and what you don't have fix it.

Someone who is happy never looks elsewhere why would they.

Thank you all for the replies.

Its just that I cant help but feel really upset. I've been doing whatever I can for her, and that guy hasnt done a thing. Yet in her mind and her heart, even after 4 years, she is still looking for the opportunity to jump ship over to him. If she isnt happy, she could have told me to leave, why did I get used as a substitute? I feel really hurt and humiliated because that guy is a close friend and now, I dont know how to ever meet up with my group of guy friends anymore, I cant look them in the face without feeling so humbled and so shamed...

OK. Vincent. Do you realise that you are talking "me, me, me, me"?

Did you come here for advice or to hope to hear, "witch, leave her poor you".

You may have been a rebound so what. What you have had is over 4 years in a relationship.. Doing what you "can" is not being two people as one. It sounds as if you knew about this over 4 years ago and went into the relationship in hope so maybe you may be the one that needs a reality check that you are OK and GOOD if you only learnt to realise your own self worth and give un-conditionally, instead of for gain.

Your name suggests you may be Italian? Shame, culture, etc. Don't be a wus, fight for your woman or lose.

Its really easier said than done. Its really a little too much to bear at once.
But I do thank you for the help, Found Soul.

Calm down and think ok.

She said (3) things and you are hanging off (1) .

I know that you are young. That if she ended up with him or tried even, your mates in your eyes would laugh.

Now. Here is the thing are they mates?

Missing the point in any event. I get the feeling again that you took the opportunity knowingly that she loved someone else 4+ years ago. It's not about winning or losing which I feel that you "feel".

Did you take the opportunity because you wanted someone, or you wanted her? Be honest, it's anonymous here.

If you wanted someone don't you think she knows that?

What do you fight about.

Let's nut this out.

Like I said, if you came here for help there are some awesome members here and help is what you will get.

Quit over thinking and talk .

Umm...wow, everyone is being very hard on Vincent.

I rather feel that his feelings about what he has found out is perfectly normal.

In fact the only thing not normal, is his girlfriend stalking her ex for 4 years while she is with Vincent - that is both incredibly insulting, and incredibly hurtful (and she seriously needs help). Were it me, that would be the end of the relationship.

P.S. if you want to understand just some of why people trail after someone who treats them badly - read 'The Art of Seduction' by Robert Greene. It's a rather disturbing book - but that said, pay no attention to the Amazon reviews if you don't want to use it for seduction (which I recommend you don't)...it's a catalogue of human weakness in the realm of love / lust, and much more importantly - it explains why people trail after those who treat them mean (in relation to each of the named weaknesses).

Seduction, weakness.

Yes his heart is normal but . Not being rude OP, do you seduce? Do you feel weak?

With all due respect, the OP needs to not just love but make her love... Him. If he did indeed take on a lady in hope than is it not fair to state he took baggage knowing she loved elsewhere and now he can fix it.. with non weakness and seduction........Called sensuality , love, and lust.

Thank you everyone for the replies.
Yes I admit I'm feeling really weak and helpless, to the extent I find myself pathetic.

I'll heed all your advices and sort my thoughts out slowly and carefully.

Thank you guys.

You might have been a rebound 4 years ago, but I think she wouldn't have stayed with you if she didn't really care for you.

I'm still in touch with boyfriends from close to 40 years ago. It doesn't mean I'm waiting for them to be available now. It means we were friends and want to stay in touch.

Talk to your girlfriend more. You are both young, this may not be your lifetime partnership but you should enjoy the relationship while you're in it.

why did you do that? why didn't you log out as soon as you realized you were in her account?

be honest with yourself about why you snooped into her account.

Four years is a major commitment and not a rebound fling.

You yourself aren't so innocent in this scenario. I found it very hard to believe that you stumbled onto her Facebook activity page and kept falling for four+ years worth of activity pages. You opened the Safari browser to deliberately spy on her activity. If she was really that secretive and deceptive she'd delete her browser history everyday.

Whether you know it or not, you are deliberately looking for things to sabotage the relationship. You are willingly or unknowingly want to be the iceberg to your relationship's Titanic.

Is it wrong that your girlfriend still has feelings for her ex? Not really. Is it obsessive behavior to wonder about these feelings? To some degree yes. Maybe she doesn't feel the relationship with you isn't stable because of things you haven't mentioned here. You need to talk to her about the relationship, your feelings about it and where it might go, and find out what she wants from the future of said relationship. AND you need to be honest about your own motivations in the first place.