Girlfriend of 8 years tells me she cheated 4 years ago..

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I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years, she told me last night that she cheated on me (by cheating I mean made out with a guy) 4 years ago. It was while she was in college and was working in groups. She was crying and saying it ment nothing and she regretted it everyday for the whole time but did not want to risk loosing me over it that's why she never said anything. I kind of felt like something happened because for awhile she just went cold to me and so I asked her multiple times and every time she lied to my face any said no she never has cheated. I have been faithful to her the entire time and I have helped her through some very difficult times (she was injured and in the hospital for along time )and now I just feel like a chump.. I might have been able to get over it had she just told me right away but 4 years later... I don't know what to do after that long you have real strong feelings for that person and no matter what they do you care about them but I don't think I will be able to trust her anymore seeing as how I don't know what else she has lied to me about .. I am not perfect I have lied about small / stupid things like smoking in the house or wanting to go visit her family.. but nothing like this. It gets even more complicated now because we own a house together and a dog and a car. It is strange how something like this can make you question a nearly a decade long relationship and want to end it.. maybe I am just being too hard on her but I don't feel like I am our mutual friends and her family are begging me to forgive her I just don't think I can fully trust her again... please let me know your opinion and don't be cruel about it remember I have been with this woman for 8 years. thank you.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

Well, if you don't think you can fully trust her again, that's pretty much that. I know I wouldn't be happy to hear about something like that, but wouldn't likely trigger a breakup four years later. I'm not you, however, and you don't think you can trust her again.

1 Reply

@DazedAndConfused81,

Value is in the mind of the beholder. U get to DEFINE it.
Your choice: go or stay, is arbitrary.
If u wanna keep her, then forget it.
If u 'll be happier without her, alone then say good bye.

No one is trustworthy. That 's against human nature.

David

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@roger,

honestly you think after 8 years of being with someone she tells u 4 years ago she did that and you would be able to just let it go?

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@DazedAndConfused81,

Honestly: yes.

David

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@DazedAndConfused81,

Probably. What's important is you. It sounds like it will bother you forever, so let it go before you both invest more time in the relationship.

1 Reply

@roger,

This ^

Dazed, you've already more or less decided that this is going to bother you. And you will turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. So let her go before any more time is wasted (yes, wasted, for you and she could be out there looking for someone better suited to you, rather than going on).

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"something like this can make you question a nearly a decade long relationship and want to end it.."

"Made out" - like in kissing ?? - all those years ago??!!

Oh, for god's sake, either get over this small indiscretion or let her go.

In any case, GROW UP.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

I think that emotionally the statue of limitations as a concept should apply to your girlfriend's transgression 4 years ago. Clearly she didn't have to come forward with her confession yet she did. Her clearing of this guilt she feels towards what she did in the far past indicates she still has strong feelings towards you and would like to deepen your relationship by having both of you overcome this obstacle and retain a relationship that's based on honesty.

You can only have a deep relationship strongly based on trust and honesty if the slate is clean. Hopefully she brought this up in order to clean the proverbial slate and thusly strengthen the relationship between you two.

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@tsarstepan,

thank you for this post I never thought of it this way.. I was just so hurt when she told me I wasn't thinking clearly and the fact I haven't slept in 3 days probably added a lot to how I acted. I need to be able to work through this with her its just she broke that trust and then kept it from me for 4 years.. will take some time.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

I'm sure it's hard to get perspective from where you are sitting, but from here, you are overreacting. Here's how I see it: It was four years ago. You were not married. She was in college where people often mature and are finding out who they are. She did nothing but "make out." She appears committed to you now to the point where this small indiscretion is killing her and you clearly care for her. At this point you should ask yourself the old Ann Landers question - are you better off with her or without her. If the answer is with her, completely let it go, never bring it up again other than to tell her it is water under the bridge and go on to live your life. If the answer is no or if you can't let it go, move on. For all you know, after dating you for four years, she might have been having doubts about where the relationship was going. She tested the waters and returned to you. Consider yourself lucky.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

Good lord.

Let me know when you find someone to fit that halo you call a ring....

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@DrewDad,

she lied to me for 4 years we have been together for 8 years... I always had that in the back of my mind that is why I never popped the question anyone would expect honesty from someone they are planning to marry its one thing to read about it and put an ignorant comment like this down and another if it actually happened to you.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

Being a girlfriend doesn't really involve any sort of a contract or legal arrangement. You might consider getting married.....

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@DazedAndConfused81,

DazedAndConfused81 wrote:

she lied to me for 4 years we have been together for 8 years... I always had that in the back of my mind that is why I never popped the question anyone would expect honesty from someone they are planning to marry its one thing to read about it and put an ignorant comment like this down and another if it actually happened to you.

I've been married for 18 years, so quite a lot has happened to me and my marriage, so don't assume you're the only person in the world who's faced choices.

I don't think the problem, here, is with your girlfriend. I think the problem is with you. This isn't about her, it's about you not being able to trust, even when someone's been shown to be trustworthy.

I feel sorry for her that she's invested so much of her life in this relationship.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

DazedAndConfused81 wrote:

she lied to me for 4 years we have been together for 8 years... I always had that in the back of my mind that is why I never popped the question anyone would expect honesty from someone they are planning to marry its one thing to read about it and put an ignorant comment like this down and another if it actually happened to you.

This is becoming positively weird. You are saying that each day, for four years that she didn't mention this represents a separate lie. That's absurd. Now you are telling you this is why you never "popped the question". You mean, you knew about this for years? Do her the favor of leaving.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

DazedAndConfused81 wrote:

honestly you think after 8 years of being with someone she tells u 4 years ago she did that and you would be able to just let it go?

And all she did was make out with a guy?

Sure.

Dont you have any real problems to occupy yourself with?

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@DazedAndConfused81,

No marriage vows and you're all het up about your lover looking around? I am assuming you were each other's first lover? You don't own that person, especially in the natural time to be learning about life and love. Even in marriage you don't own the other person, though vows are there for a reason and if people actually have affairs, that is a cause to some for leaving if you have not agreed on that being ok. Some don't leave, either because they talk it out and re-engage, or because they can't bear being alone or other reasons.

You have a jealousy problem that is going to be in your way in the future, with or without her.

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@DazedAndConfused81,

DazedAndConfused81 wrote:

she lied to me for 4 years we have been together for 8 years... I always had that in the back of my mind that is why I never popped the question anyone would expect honesty from someone they are planning to marry its one thing to read about it and put an ignorant comment like this down and another if it actually happened to you.

Meaning no dis-respect to you,
I gotta wonder whether the girl woud be safe with you.

David

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

I'm new to this forum. Hope the reply goes in the right place.

You've got a lot of good responses here. Hopefully you can see more clearly how you're totally and irrationally insecure.
I've been married 32 yrs. Yes I believe in fidelity. No I don't think one person can be everything to one other person. I'm aware of my wife having had an affair 18 or so yrs ago. She doesn't know I'm aware of it. Sure it bothered me, but not greatly. I figured she needed something I wasn't giving her at the time. I love her and want her to be happy. I figured she'd either continue the affair at which time I would've then brought it up after several mths OR she'd decide I was the one she really loved. The affair only lasted a couple mths or so. I don't know if she's had any others, but I don't think so. It's not that important to me as long as she continues to show Love for me. Guess I'm different than many. I won't begrude her having a little fun in this life time. I never had a desire to fool around with anyone else, that is until last year. I plan to have my little jaunt and eventually become faithful again. Life is just too darn short to get bent out of shape over "fooling" around 4 yrs ago since she's proven her love to you these last 4 yrs. You should honestly try working on your self esteem. My advice is to forgive her and tell her in no uncertain terms. Sounds like you have a wonderful companion if you don't screw things up over your jealousy.

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Girlfriend of 8 years tells me she cheated 4 years ago..

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