Repairing and validation of respect in a r

I am in an eighteen year relationship with my husband and he is currently in recovery from a year long stretch of serious drug abuse. Last night he went over to a home where friends reside. One of the tenants that stays there is the woman he cheated on me with a little over a year ago. He ended up relapsing and used heroine with her and didn't come home until 4:30 in the morning. We as a couple have friends that also reside in this home. I have been able to somehow rise above the fact that I may run into her. I visit our friends that reside there too and we usually go as a couple to socialize with them. The woman that he cheated on me is a total drug addict and is making no attempt to get her sobriety at this time. She actually is a wigged out drug addict and has actually stolen things out of our vehicle. Things that I personally bought for him. It is so bad this woman has been completely stripping the home of anything and everything she possibly can to keep her heavy drug use steady. I spent a year by my husbands side supporting him and helping him to overcome his substance abuse problem. He went just recently to detox and we as a family worked through it together and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. We have two children that were in full participation during the entire time right along with us. He came home and he was out of control and verbally abused and mentally abusive also. I contained him to our bedroom immediately for I didn't want the kids to know. I could tell he relapsed as soon as he arrived at the home we reside in. We managed to somehow get through the night but I am so disappointed and upset with him. He continues to demand today being Friday that I need to respect him and that I am the one who is nonstop abusing him. This is untrue and when I stand up in my own basic defense, my husband becomes immediately enraged and becomes the most belittling bully toward me. He will be verbally assaulting me while at the same time always accusing me of being the abuser at that very moment. I have made it abundantly clear to him that he not only crossed the lines of our relationship but seriously has also disrespected me and he doesn't even think he has committed any crime to our relationship. I believe that there is no excuse and he should do whatever he can to rectify and make an effort to repair the damage. He has been consistently telling me that he loves only me. Seriously, the reality of our situation is that I was prepared in case of a misstep or relapse but the simple fact is that being with this woman is a huge violation of and to our relationship. He will not discuss it because he doesn't believe that he has to. I feel totally betrayed and used and know he is totally in the absolute wrong. He is accusing me of being the one who is abusing him during this time. He is continuously demanding ultimate respect and that I better change the manner in which I speak to him. I believe he is just making me the escape goat because he refuses to take any ownership for the recent acts he has committed as of
Lastnight. I am loyal to this man and do love him very much. I will not, however, tolerate his being in this woman's company especially doing drugs. I have respect for myself and have values that will never allow this situation to occur ever again. He will not apologize genuinely or even make an effort to be sincere in mending my extremely hurt feelings for what he has done. We are also currently involved in family counseling and other services that will contribute to helping our family work through what we have experienced or cope with whatever is ahead for us. He has an anger issue which he has promised us he would address while implementing the resources he needs during this period of our lives. I Believe truly in the reality that if you are willing to try to do whatever you can to make things moving toward more positive change is never wrong in any case. I am a stubborn diehard person and usually never give up. Believe me, it has taken down more traumatic paths than one should allow. He is very controlling and is most usually offended when I voice my opinion or my feelings toward any situation. He is a bully and has no control of his own temper or physical body movement as he is aggressive and timately violent in nature. He sees none of this and it is very trying and his needs have consumed my life at this point. I feel that I have sacrificed a lot of things in my life and usually my personal basic needs are not met. I believe that he is extremely fortunate to have me in his life and still standing beside him especially following the most recent events that have occurred. He is skating around the whole entire upset and turmoil that he caused me and absolute will not commit to my demands of this never happening again. I informed him that I will not tolerate or in any way allow him to damage and quite certainly disrespect me by putting hisself in that situation again period!!! He will not make adhere to these demands I have presented to him and I will not bend and certainly gave him that ultimatum or I cannot any longer continue in this relationship with him. He only compares past events in which he accuses me of being wrong. This is his usual pattern in approaching most aspects of our entire existence as a couple. I feel abused, disrespected and genuinely taken for granted and believe in this particular instance that he is responsible and should hold hisself accountable and show me that he is a jerk, and that he should make any and all efforts in showing me he is truly remorseful and cherish what we do have if he sincerely loves me as he has expressed to me. I believe he is very immature and has acted like a real idiot. It has always been the two of us together during all our years we have been a couple and we only have each other in this life we have made for ourselves and our children. I feel he has seriously screwed up our bond and should act on, not talk, about his plans to repair and cherish me and what we have together. I need reinforcements in support of explaining to my husband the seriousness of the situation in the hopes that he can better understand why he is at fault and what it is doing to me in the process. He will not validate my feelings or at this time make the smallest of effort to prove to me that he will respect me just as his other half or even as a human being that counts for anything. He is always the victim and never fails to blame me for each and every single fault or negative action he performs. I own all responsibility or blame for all things that i do for as no one can make a person do anything that they don't want to. A person can only control their own actions and make the choice themselves. He puts all responsibility of his actions on me also. I believe in my heart that he needs to step up or stand up for his own contributions and take accountabity as we all do for ourselves. Am I wrong as I am clearly willing to address and make changes where needed. I need advice not only for myself but my husband also. We both believe we both deserve validation along with some sense of direction we can travel together to make the changes needed to maintain this relationship. I still believe wholeheartedly that he should bare most if not all the brunt of blame this time. What advice or suggestions can you relay to us that could help us to get back on track toward a healthy bond and mutually respectful relationship? HELP!!!