15
   

can a girl have male friends if she has a boyfriend?

 
 
kris92
 
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 01:19 am
Okay so me and my gf have been dating for 2 years now. After one year she decided to move back home (2 hours away) so she can go to uni.

Whilst at uni she made friends but there was one guy she said that she thinks likes her. I laughed it off and joked about it. However one night I saw them txting into the early hours of the morning and calling each other pet names. I confronted her about it and told her I didn't like it, she told me that I should trust her and I can't tell her who she can/can't talk to. However we agreed no more pet names and she will tell me anything she thinks I should know.

Few months goes by and things are good between us. And then they start talking and txting again, he even went to her house uninvited to say hi, and she didn't tell me til days later. Then I see on her phone he called her by the pet name. I asked her if they still did that and she said no (so she lied). And then the next day she went out for ice cream and shopping with him (she told me this prior).

Am i wrong to be worried??
 
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 07:25 am
@kris92,
Are you wrong to be worried? Probably not. I would be a bit concerned. But the reality is that there is very little you can do about it. You can accept the situation or you can end the relationship.

The answer to the thread title is yes, a girl can have male friends and a boyfriend. Just as a male can have female friends and a girlfriend. My wife is friendly with several male friends just as I am quite friendly with several female friends. Of course, because we love each other, neither of us would ever do something that might cause the other to get a bit anxious. In other words, there is no way either of us would meet up with someone in a one on one situation to "go out for ice cream." At least without talking it over first to make sure the other was ok with it. I would never just go out after work for drinks with female friends without first calling my wife and making sure she was ok with it. (And inviting her to join us.) If she didn't feel like joining us and were to express that she was uncomfortable with my going out with them, then guess what? I would not go out. Because I love her and would never want her to feel jealous or anxious about what I am doing.

The difference is that we are married and as such, (and holding a Biblical view of marriage) we both strongly believe that we belong to each other and not just ourselves. So we have no problem "needing permission" to be in social settings with someone of the opposite sex without our spouse present.

You, on the other hand, are not married. Frankly, you have no hold over her and if her relationship is not such that she feels the need to appease you, then you are out of luck. She does not need your permission to do whatever she wants. Which leads us back to either trusting her and putting up with her seeing this other guy or ending the relationship.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 07:59 am
@kris92,
kris92 wrote:
However we agreed no more pet names


<snip>

Then I see on her phone he called her by the pet name.



I'm curious how you think that the two of you agreeing to no pet names will have any effect on what her friend does. He is not a party to your agreement.

___


Back to your thread title question - yes, a girl can have male friends if she has a boyfriend. If the boyfriend has a problem with that, he may need to find a girlfriend who is in agreement with his perspective. That should probably be sorted out before there is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Talking these things out in advance is helpful.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 08:00 am
@kris92,
kris92 wrote:
he even went to her house uninvited to say hi, and she didn't tell me til days later.


it's nice that she told you. I wouldn't have bothered.

Should you be worried? maybe you should think about why you're in a relationship with someone who has a different view on life/relationships than you do.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 08:45 am
@kris92,
Have you fitted her for a burqa yet?
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 09:28 am
Yes, a girl can have male friends - but not to the extent that it bothers her boyfriend.

There are certain boundaries to the "friendship zone" and I think that their actions cross over (late nite texting, pet names, meeting etc.)

The fact that you are peeking at her phone logs should tell you that you don't trust her anymore. Time to evaluate things with your GF.

0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  3  
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 09:30 am
@chai2,
Jeez Chai! That is an awfully big leap.

This is a real question and many dating couples have this discussion. And that is the answer, it should be a discussion. Different couples will handle this in different ways. Any commited relationship has expectations. It works best when both people involved have the same understanding of those expectations. So talking about it is a good thing.

0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jan, 2014 09:32 am
@kris92,
kris92 wrote:
Then I see on her phone he called her by the pet name. I asked her if they still did that and she said no (so she lied).


It's over, the trust has gone. You're checking up on her because you don't trust her. End it now.
0 Replies
 
secondusername
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 28 Jan, 2014 02:30 am
@kris92,
Quote:
can a girl have male friends if she has a boyfriend?


If this "girl" is below the age of eighteen then I insist. Pay me no mind.

If it is a woman you are referring to..
If she is in love or feeling in love with you then she should desire no other man in her life but you. She should be exactly as you want her. Do exactly what you want. I believe woman is to coward down to the single man who longs for her. Etc etc.
Make her his personal little slave he should hide from the world. Torture her if he wishes. An idea.
Anything similar to as mentioned.
nightswimming
 
  2  
Reply Tue 28 Jan, 2014 03:22 pm
@kris92,
To answer your question, yes, she can have male friends, just as you can have female friends. When you are in a committed relationship, you make a promise to each other to be faithful. If you can't be faithful, you should end the relationship. Granted, that's the simplified version and if more people would do that, it would make life easier, but instead they choose to get sneaky, and some do eventually cheat.

My BF has a female friend that he initially hid from me for fear that me knowing about her would make me jealous. He didn't realize that I am not the jealous type, but I certainly had an issue with him hiding it from me because that makes it so much worse. It's all out now - I have met her (sooooooo not jealous of her), she is married, she was his friend through a very rough spot in his life, and he knows that I am not like his first wife and won't over react when she texts because she's having an issue. We have worked to rebuild the trust and it's made our relationship even stronger.

However, if your GF continues to sneak around and lie to you, even against your wishes...well, that's a huge red flag. Sorry.
0 Replies
 
secondusername
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 28 Jan, 2014 04:18 pm
@secondusername,
What I mentioned is what I would do if I were a man. I wouldn't torture or anything of the sort. But I would make it impossible for my woman to cheat on me. That thing where if I were a man, I know exactly how to make the woman I want fall in love with me. Unfortunately. Someone thought, someone felt I should be a woman for some reason. so here I am. Miserable as hell being a woman.

As I think to myself I should had been born male not female. That thing called life right.
secondusername
 
  0  
Reply Tue 28 Jan, 2014 04:29 pm
@secondusername,
0 Replies
 
joannelemke
 
  1  
Reply Tue 28 Jan, 2014 10:23 pm
@kris92,
Have you ever met this male friend? If you are that worried about it then it would be reasonable to be introduced to him.

Long distance relationships can be difficult.
secondusername
 
  1  
Reply Wed 29 Jan, 2014 09:49 am
@joannelemke,
I like to make good, everlasting things. happen.

Long distance relationships don't last long.

How I see long distance relationships.. do what needs to be done so you can be with the person who wants you. Assuming the feelings are mutual.
0 Replies
 
Bella Dea
 
  2  
Reply Sun 2 Feb, 2014 04:21 pm
Quote:
But the reality is that there is very little you can do about it. You can accept the situation or you can end the relationship.


Yup.

Functioning, healthy adult relationships are built on honesty and trust. If you don't trust her, which I sense you don't, this isn't going to work because there will always be another guy friend for you to wring your hands over.

You either trust they are just friends, or you don't. And that is that.
0 Replies
 
Kathy77
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Feb, 2014 10:05 pm
@kris92,
I'm sorry to say but it seems your gf found interest in someone else. If something doesn't seems right then it isn't. Pet names are for bf/gf types of relationships. I think she has overstepped her boundaries if there were ever any made. The fact that she is even talking to this guy when you are around is so disrespectful. You deserve better. Sorry to break it to you.
0 Replies
 
Kathy77
 
  1  
Reply Mon 10 Feb, 2014 10:07 pm
@kris92,
However one night I saw them txting into the early hours of the morning and calling each other pet names.



On another note this just isn't right. Dump her
0 Replies
 
anonymously99stwin
 
  0  
Reply Mon 10 Feb, 2014 11:24 pm
@kris92,
Quote:
can a girl have male friends if she has a boyfriend?


Depends on how serious the relationship is. Marriage right around the corner? No ma'am.
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  2  
Reply Mon 10 Feb, 2014 11:28 pm
Of course she can. Mostly depends on if the guy is a weak asshole.
anonymously99stwin
 
  0  
Reply Mon 10 Feb, 2014 11:29 pm
@Wilso,
Haha. You're not that weak.
 

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