Chemistry Connection is Overwhelming

Go to the gym? Bathe? Buy some flowers and spend some time talking with her? Iron a shirt? Hang a picture? Change a diaper?

Did you even read what I wrote (it appears not) -- as I stated that yes it is normal to be attracted to someone else while being married. It happens -- I would have to say it has to have happened to everyone (that is human).

The difference being is that you love your spouse so that to act on an attraction/strong chemistry is out of the question. Being human you should be able to reason out the fact that an attraction - no matter how strong is just that - on the surface. It may feel strong; but being an intelligent thinking human being you should be able to resist the animal urge if you care and love your spouse.

Is it easy -- no -- especially if you are having marriage difficulties as you say you are -- that makes it so much more difficult. You, yourself say you don't want a divorce. So the logical thinking would be to avoid acting on this impulse or else you will highly likely end in a divorce (unless of course your wife wouldn't care).

Any married person can say


Why? - because they have been through it to some degree or another.

You are the one who said earlier you don't want a divorce - well if you don't want a divorce, the only way to avoid one is to

I'm on board!!

Maybe if he spends more time thinking about his wife than thinking about this other woman, he would be able to fix whatever he thinks has gone wrong with his wife, whom he claims not to want to divorce.

Ok...so how do I fix my wife? It's not so much that I want to fix her, it's that it is turning out to be a parent and child dominated relationship and less and less a husband/wife relationship. I don't dislike her but I don't think I can live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. SO it seems the answer is just get a divorce to have sex if I can''t get it in my marriage. BTW I am well groomed in shape and do alot of house work, pay all the bills, have no issue with child care ever....you want to talk about change...I changed to learn how to do all these things. The point is along the way...MY needs have been lost. I am way down the 'list'....the kid is happy and we work and maintain our lives...but sexually...I am lost in the desert.

Ok, it now seems as though you are done responding angrily to our thoughts and are ready to listen. So, while I know I am repeating some of what has already been written, I will do so here again.

You cannot fix something that is not broken. She does not need fixing. The relationship, which includes but is not limited to sex, is what needs fixing.

How so? Really, I'm curious. Nothing you have written to this point would lead us to think this is happening. So I cannot comment without additional info, if you wish to share. (I may be misunderstanding what you are saying here.)

You don't dislike her, but do you LOVE her? Do you care about her? I love my wife. I love her enough that if she were incapable of having a sexual relationship with me, I would still be totally faithful. Absolutely no doubt in my mind. THAT, my friend, is love. That said, there is no reason for you to live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage if there is no physical reason she has stopped having sex with you. So talk to her about it. Tell her what you have been telling us. That you want to have a physical relationship more often than what you currently are having. Ask her what YOU can do to help her to want to have sex more often.

I will not pretend to know what is going on with your wife. Nobody here really knows. We are only getting your side of the situation, and I have never known any situation where there are not two sides to the story. So, talk to your wife. Suggest some couples counseling. If she loves you and if you love her (not simply "don't dislike" her) then the two of you should be willing to try counseling. MAYBE, (notice I said maybe, cause I do not know) she may feel you are only interested in sex. Maybe she doesn't feel you love her as you once did. And for women, that feeling of love has a lot to do with sexual desire. If either of you don't want to try counseling, then why don't you try romancing her? Surprise her.

Here is an idea to get you started. Without telling her, make arrangements for a parent or relative to keep the kid. Then secretly pack a bag for the two of you and when she gets home, tell her to get in the car and take her out of town for the weekend. A mountain cabin for just the two of you may work wonders. Spend time getting to know each other all over again. Cuddle. Help her to fall in love with you all over again.

Ok, now that I have written a book, I will shut up. But the bottom line is simply this. IF you still want to make your marriage work, you step up to the plate and be the driving force behind fixing the relationship. Talking to her, counseling, romancing, whatever it takes. You begin. Then, if things don't get better, you can decide if you want to stay in a marriage that is lacking in sexual intimacy.

Good luck. And I really mean that. (I don't normally talk much about my personal relationship with my wife, but I will make an exception here. We had a very similar issue going on early in our marriage. There was a big disconnect between my sex drive and hers. Lots of frustration on my part and for the longest time I just didn't talk about it with her, I simply stewed over it. When I finally sat down with her and we really talked openly about it, I found out that the sex we had was just not all that great for her. So, I made it my personal goal in life to satisfy her needs in bed. Long story short, our sex life became much better once we began communicating in bed. I'm not saying this is what is going on with you two, but just saying that sometimes we don't realize how self focused we can be when it comes to sex.)

Welcome to being a parent. Being a parent is hard.


The first thing you do is talk to her and let her know how much of a problem it is. Then you pursue other options.

I'm not saying divorce is never the answer, but be a responsible, reliable adult.

That's not where he's spending his energies these days...which is fine but is he of the mentality "cheaper to keep her"!?

Sex therapist, Marriage Counselling, a night out with wine, coffee and old photos, a baby sitter, a date night once a week, a hug for no reason, a new dress just because she's still sexy to you, not for sex just because...............

Everyone "can" fall into a trap. Too much work, not enough attention given to the partner. A child, ouch, that hurt popping that bundle of love out and it still hurts a few months later, shirt now a few months have gone by I'm no longer in the mood...

Look it takes two end of story... You have noticed a change, you note what the change is, you need to understand the person you live with, not just the change and work with it..

If I get snaky, my fiancé knows the best thing to do is something that makes me laugh mind you he's quick witted so it's not hard for him and my whole mood and attitude changes. We had deep discussions at the beginning of our relationship to establish ground for the future, best thing we ever did and yes, sometimes, I'll just do something just because I know that it's important to him same back at me.. And that could be anything not just sexually and it works.

Study up, read up on what "could " occur to a woman after she has a baby and including up to 12 months. Get an indication of what you have in front of you and what can help bring back what you used to have. It's worth it right? You married her for a reason right?

Gman - almost weekly I would come across a man who could probably turn me on, IF I allowed it or wanted that to happen. I was also happy at home because we worked on our marriage.

It's called RESTRAINT (and also I remembered my wedding vows.)

I agree with you Punkey. I think however, for Gman it is more a matter of disloyalty rather than restraint. If this were his business partner , he would more than likely be thinking of ways to screw him over without getting caught. I believe it's more a flaw of character in my view.

BRUTAL germlat....just brutal....totally not looking to screw anyone over. EVIDENCE is overwhelming in our entire world that having sex with one person for the rest of your life doesn't necessarily work for the majority. I respect and appreciate all those that can do this, want to do this and don't have a situation that overwhelms them as I have now. I have not done anything and most likely won't, however I think about this other woman too often. I realize and appreciate the guidance you guys/gals are giving me and I am not looking for a permission slip...however what I want to discuss more in depth with someone is how they deal with something that seems more than just a black/white issue. Are victoria secret models HOT and would I enjoy having sex with one of them ---yes! Is that going to happen--no. I do not have chemistry attractions with every good looking woman I meet, there are multiple factors that have to happen. In THIS case I am drawn in a way I have not been in a very long time. YES I realize I need to work on things with my wife...but it also concerns me that even let's say she does not like the sex for some reason, the more concerning aspect is that she does not have the initiative to tell me, that going with out it is OK for her, that knowing I want it and I am not getting it is OK with her...THAT is the big picture here.

So is it somehow more honorable that you're willing to screw your family over for just one woman..ha-ha .what's your point.! I don't see how this makes you more honorable. Some business men won't screw their partners unless it's a very "special" deal. You're disloyal and already unfaithful in your heart. Nobody is telling you to stay married!!! The problem is your dishonesty. It's not dishonorable to walk away from a marriage that no longer works. Betraying people is dishonorable. Get it yet?

aka... cop out