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Believing my husband or some girl he pissed off?

 
 
mchalel
 
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 06:41 pm
I received emails from a strange woman my fiance dated right before we got married. She was telling me that he was cheating on me with her and that he'd been in her bed a week before. She went on to say he cheated on her as well, once a cheated always a cheater. I wrote back telling her to back off and she wrote back going on about how when he broke up with her he just ended things and didnt communicate with her and even though she has now moved on it's a hurt she will never forget. THen she's like, bottom line he was in my bed that night.

My fiance denies that he has had anything to do with her. He said their relationship was brief, not serious and was basically a series of dates and yes they had sex. He said she became obsessed with him, would email, text, call all the time. She would show up at his work also trying to get him back. HE never told me about her. He was like, why would I tell you i dated someone like this would you have wanted to date me? He showed me some past emails from 2010/11 where she was begging for him back and he was telling her to move on. He said for the most part he didnt respond to her. One email was her telling him how she wasnt acting like herself, she had to get counselling, then realized she had thyroid issues and that's why she was acting so nuts. There was also an email from her to him asking about me and telling him she thought he'd end up with someone more glamourous than myself. There's also an email from her wishing him a life of misery...she also showed up at his work in 2012 which he did not tell me about!

I am angry he didnt tell me about this, but i can kind of see why he didnt. He never thought she'd be emailing me. I just dont know why someone would make such things up. He said she obviously wants to ruin our relationship and does not want to see him happy with anyone else. This all happened 8 months ago and we never heard from her again. He says he hadnt even heard from her around the time she emailed me...I have never had anything like this happen. FOr a while i was ok..then this week i felt upset about it again. He gets mad when i bring it up now. He tells me it's over and done with, we've talked about it. I almost feel obsessed with her now. I want to know who this person is (she has nothing on social media). It's all so unsettling. I just still cant believe I have to think about this.
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Type: Question • Score: 15 • Views: 5,319 • Replies: 55

 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 06:49 pm
@mchalel,
mchalel wrote:

I received emails from a strange woman my fiance dated right before we got married.

My fiance denies that he has had anything to do with her.


Is he your fiance or your husband?

(trying to sort the details out)
mchalel
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 06:50 pm
@ehBeth,
he's my husband now...i went ahead with the wedding, but still worry about this 8 months later.
0 Replies
 
mchalel
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 07:33 pm
@mchalel,
i just cant rationalize this whole thing!! Sad I cant picture him cheating on me...but why would someone say these things if they werent true? SHe really wanted to hurt him that bad?
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 07:33 pm
@mchalel,
I sort of remember you posts from before.
Will reread.

0 Replies
 
Germlat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 07:39 pm
@mchalel,
Darn..haven't you ever had to deal with a nut bag.?..kudos, maybe not.. But seriously give him a break!!
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 07:45 pm
@mchalel,
Why is she trying to mess up his life?

Sounds like she's a serious whack job. I've heard and read about people like that.

It also sounds like you're going to let her win by thinking about it and letting it get between you and your husband.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 07:46 pm
@mchalel,
mchalel wrote:
I just still cant believe I have to think about this.


you don't have to.

you can choose to be smarter and stronger than she is.

your husband chose to marry you for some reason. hopefully you can focus on that and not some idiot woman who's trying to **** up his life.
Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 07:48 pm
@ehBeth,
Sounds right to me.
0 Replies
 
jcboy
 
  5  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 08:47 pm
@mchalel,
Who do you want to believe, your husband or some stranger you don't even know?
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 7 Jan, 2014 10:28 pm
@mchalel,
You have not heard from her in 8 months, so let it go. She won't be back.

Let's suppose her story is TRUE
You must accept that your husband- to- be was with another woman "right before" he married you, so maybe he did not end that relationship properly. She would have no reason to call you if that was not true. He never told you about her. He may have just dumped her - hence her reaction. I really don't blame her.

IF is is not true, then your REAL issue is trusting your husband completely now. I think you struggle with that - and with good reason if what she said really happened.

Time is the great revealer. So give him more time and see how things go.
mchalel
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 11:49 am
@PUNKEY,
I shouldn't have used the line 'dated someone right before we got married'. From what he told me, he dated this girl right before he and I started dating. This was back towards the end of 2010/beginning of 2011. He told me that he DID end things with her directly. Even if he didn't don't most 'normal' women simply move on? They did not live together, they weren't engaged or married, how many times did she need to hear it? He sent me emails that she had sent him demanding answers and she couldnt understand why it was over, she had such strong feelings for him, etc. Then she sent one saying she acted the way she acted (Crazy) because of health issues and she hopes he doesnt think she's psycho.

I was surprised that he had this type of relationship right before me. she seemed to think more of it than he did...but maybe it was more serious than he is telling me. I think he probably was uncomfortable telling me he had a relationship with someone so close to being with me. He said she went crazy, showed up at his work, his house. After she sent me this email, my cousin who is my husbands former roommate even called me to verify that she is crazy and he almost had to have her arrested because she would not leave the house one day. He's like, trust me he has nothing to do with her.

I just DO NOT KNOW WHY I had to get emailed by her and now I'm questioning what the hell really happened. She has certainly made it seem to me that she is a jilted woman. Her emails seemed strange, uncomposed. The first email was her pretending to be someone else and she's like, the truth is your fiance spent the night with his ex-girlfriend the other night. He cheated on her, now he's cheating on you, he's going to tell you this is a lie, blah blah. i of course asked him about this and that's when he told me his past with her. I wrote back to her telling her to back off and she wrote back telling me that he was in her bed. THen she went on saying the part about he just stopped calling her and never ended things in an appropriate manner. So here she is telling me he cheated on me with her, he didnt end their relationship properly, she also mentioned that she has since moved on, but it's a pain she will never forget.

i have never heard of someone being that crazy 2-3 years after a relationship ended that they still felt the need for revenge towards their 'ex'. My husbands story has not changed since all this went down 8 months ago. He said he thinks she strategically found out that we were getting married on such and such a date (Clearly she stalked both of us online) and then decided to drop a bomb 7 weeks before our wedding because she's still mad. Maybe she's mad she didnt marry him? I dont get it. I couldnt imagine doing that and harboring such anger towards someone who really never meant much.

but every now and then i think, what if my husband is lying? i dont believe he was having a relationship with both myself and her...but i cant help but wonder, did he sleep with her at some point?? He says no.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 11:56 am
@mchalel,
You need to think about why you don't believe your husband.

If I were in your husband's position I'd be getting pretty pissed that you didn't trust me over a stranger. And not just a stranger - but someone you've been told is crazy by someone else (your cousin).

Just because you haven't heard about obsessive craziness like this doesn't mean it doesn't happen. People get obsessed - sometimes with famous people, sometimes with regular folks. There's a university professor whose career was nearly destroyed by a woman who was obsessed with him. He wrote about it - I'll see if I can find a link to his book.

Germlat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 12:02 pm
@ehBeth,
Right on target!
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 12:17 pm
@mchalel,
Quote:
Eleanor Wachtel speaks with British-American novelist, poet and memoirist, James Lasdun. His latest book is a complex account of being stalked, called Give Me Everything You Have.


there is a link on the page below where you can listen to the interview

it's a bit frightening as you can imagine this happening to anyone

http://www.cbc.ca/writersandcompany/episode/2013/06/16/james-lasdun-interview/
Olivier5
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 12:23 pm
@mchalel,
She looks like a psycho to me, from what you describe. Be careful to keep maximum distance, and don't obsess over her. That's what she wants.
mchalel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 12:29 pm
@ehBeth,
Thanks I will take a look at that. I know people can become obsessed...i guess i don't know why she waited so long to contact me if she was really obsessed. I did see another email from her in Jan 2012 asking him about me. She's like so this girl you're with now, you met through your cousin? Then she went on to say that she thinks he is a good looking guy and thought he'd end up with someone better looking then myself. I do not know where she saw me. I'm guessing facebook but she's not on facebook. She has no social media that i've been able to find. There were two other people i accepted friendships with (i didnt know them) and my husband thinks she set those up. She had emailed me at work so she knew where i worked. She found an old email address for me that is mentioned on a press page so i think she Googled my name, plus my company name. My husband wouldn't even have that email address.

I know my husband is sick of talking about this ,but part of me is like, you know what, too bad, you didn't tell me about this freakshow of a person, then i have to get an email like that 7 weeks before my wedding? She did not provide any solid proof to me. I could have asked her for some, but it seemed like dangerous territory. She could have continued to make things up making things worse. Plus at the time i was shellshocked and i believed my husband. Our families got involved and of course his family defended him. My parents and brother don't think he did anything wrong either. At first when i told them they were like, what omg, but the hearing the details they've written her off as a crazy angry woman who is mad about what happened. I just cant imagine doing this to another person! Even if i did sleep with an engaged man a few weeks before his wedding, i just dont see myself contacting his fiance/wife to say, hey i slept with your man. I think id just walk away and be like, this is not my problem. but many other women might not.
0 Replies
 
mchalel
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 12:31 pm
@Olivier5,
yes i feel like ive become obsessed with her!

I just feel like there's little part of me that does not want to be that person who had things happen behind my back. If he slept with her a few weeks before our wedding he does NOT deserve me and I want out. Oh and in both of her emails to me she claims to ask him the next morning as he's leaving, why did we break up and he says, because i'm an idiot. He laughs at that part. He's like does that really sound like something i'd say? I just wonder if he got drunk and went and had a last hurrah with her.
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 01:02 pm
@mchalel,
When a man commits to marriage, he often feels afraid of letting go other romantic interests, and might go for a "last one" with somebody. I wouldn't hold a grudge about that - that's the sort of jitters a bachelor party is supposed to cater for. It's a natural feeling.

Most probably, that girl is jealous and wants to break your marriage so she can have him back, or just for the gratification of hurting you and him. Don't give her that pleasure. Even talking about it too much with your husband is likely to damage his opinion of you. He'll think you're insecure, reckless, easily fooled and trusting a complete stranger more than him.

Also, note that "Because I'm an idiot" is a standard male fare to get rid of such cases. The girl feels vindicated and lets go more easily (nobody wants to love an idiot). Works better than saying: "Because you're a crazy bitch who scares the **** out of me", or "Because I love someone else".

I could be totally wrong. Maybe that girl is an angel and your husband is a devil, but from what you described, she seems to me a dangerous, self-centred and mean person, while your husband comes across as a regular guy, who knows quite well who he is dealing with, and rightly wants to forget about her.


chai2
 
  3  
Reply Wed 8 Jan, 2014 01:03 pm
Yep.
That woman, whether anything happened or not, has already won.

The "why's" don't matter as in why did she email you at a certain time, why she told you this, and so on.

The fact is it happened, and it's up to you to decide whether to let this continue to eat away at you, and your relationship.

If this ends up breaking up your marriage, then you'll get to obsess over why you let it happen.
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