6
   

Seeking relationship advice on moving out and age difference! (LONG)

 
 
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 04:28 am
Before I write my story I would like to add that it will be very long and detailed. I feel I can get the best advice and input if I add as many details as possible but this issue has been burdaining me and putting bad butterflies in my stomach for a while now, even though I have quite a while before I have to "deal" with this issue, per se. I would appreciate it if you guys were not rude to me because this is a complex but very real situation.

In late May of 2010 I had just got my job back after a long lay off. I had just turned 21 years old the same month. One month prior my favorite musician (someone who inspired me and helped me in a lot of ways with his music and I even had the priveledge of meeting) passed away. I was in a rocky relationship where I was just holding on to someone for the sake of having someone (but I truly did love my boyfriend - now ex). I wore a lot of black and felt bad about myself because I had gained weight while I was laid off. My life was sh*t, to put it quite bluntly. And then I met this man. A man who at first I thought absolutely nothing about other than that he was nice, funny and freaking awesome for having similar interests and tastes as mine at his age. He thought the same thing about me at first, plus he thought I was cute. Then I fell for him. Hard. It took him a while longer to reciprocate on his feelings (typical man, lol). At first, as any woman would be with this age difference, I was skeptical of his motives. What could an older man want from a young, maturing woman? Especially because he has been with his partner for 13 or so years, unhappily. I kept this in my mind for a long time until I found out this his motives, feelings and emotions for me are genuine. We have had our fair share of ups and downs but all throughout the process we have grown closer because of it all. It was 3 and a half years ago when I met him. A year after meeting him and getting to know him I began sleeping with him. The physical attraction between he and I is wild - and I have known since a young age that I have had an attraction more derived towards older men. We're the type of couple that can lay there and stare into each others' eyes without saying a single word or I can pull up a song on my phone that I found that reminds me of him and/or us and it can put tears in his eyes. We also miss each other every second we are away from each other (like right now we are on Thanksgiving holiday and it is unbearable). He is not afraid to express it either. The entire length of time he has been with his partner he has had *no life*. And what very little life he has had all of this time he has been unhappy with. I recently convinced him months ago that he deserves to be happy in whatever path he chooses in his life - even if he was single or with another woman who could make him happy and not drag him down like *she* has/does. She is a long, long story. And not a good one.

People who see this or see similar situations or may be closed minded about age gaps probably think that it is impossible to pursue a real relationship with someone because of the two seperate points in life and want different things. We don't. Neither of us want to get married and I don't want children. He also has one daughter who is 5 years older than I am (haven't met her yet) and she encourages him to do what he wants to because she knows how unhappy he is with his current partner. Her exact words to him one day when vaguely discussing me and my age and his interests in me were "Whatever makes you happy, Daddy!"

For his and my own good he also recently stated that he is gaining financial stability (all whilst paying his own bills and dues) to move out on his own. He wants me to move in with him around Summertime. We are prepared for whatever criticism we may endure in public because of our age gap. We have lots of plans for each each other and since his partner is an overweight introvert he is more excited for this relationship between he and I to really began than I am - and I am more excited than I have been in my whole life. And certain! And I am also aware that the age gap will bring a lot of grief to me when it is his time to pass away. But since nothing is certain, it could be *me* that passes away before he does. But regardless of what happens, we want the rest of our lives to be spent together - side by side and missing out on all of the things we have over all of these years.

But this is the part that really drags my heart down...
Some day before he and I make the transition I will have to tell my parents that I am in a relationship with a man considerably older than I am and that I will be moving out with him. Seeing as my Dad is just 6 months older than he is I don't know exactly how well it will sit. My thoughts on my Mom's reaction are blurry right now. Regardless of how my parents react I am still 100% positive that I want my life to be spent with this man. And that's what will happen. But I have absolutely no clue whatsoever how I will even BRING IT UP to my parents. I cannot see myself just sitting down with them while they are both together (for example: watching TV one afternoon) and bringing it up. And I wouldn't even know the first thing to say or how to even say it. I am mature enough to make my own decisions and have my own thoughts but it doesn't make this situation ANY easier on me. This is something I dwell on every second of every day - and I know it is a while away but the anxiousness and anticipation are horrible. And I plan on telling them when my man has a certain place and within 2-4 weeks of my own moving out. This is exactly why I need help before my head explodes...
 
Pearlylustre
 
  3  
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 06:01 am
@NocturnalMistress,
I've known 3 women married to much older men ( 25- 30+ yr age difference.) You don't say how big the age difference is with your partner. I am not saying that you shouldn't be with this man (and I guess it wouldn't make any difference what anyone said anyway) but there are issues to think about that other than just him dying earlier than you....

The parents of a friend of mine whose husband was about 27 years older than her refused to go to her wedding though I think grew to accept the marriage. They were very happy together until he retired. The plan was that it would then be her turn to focus more on her career but he really wanted her to be at home with him and resented her working so much when he was home all day. She began an affair with a work colleague (her own age). They have now divorced and she is living with the colleague and he is with another much younger woman who he met on the internet.

Another woman I didn't know so well but she confided in me how difficult it was to be with an 'old man' who was now frail and sick and that they hadn't had sex in years. I can't remember the age difference but I think it was at least 30 years. She was still only about 40 and it seemed more like a father - daughter or patient- carer relationship when I saw them together. They were very committed catholics so she would never contemplate ending the marriage. He has since passed away and she moved interstate.

The other woman I don't see very often. I got the impression that it wasn't a very happy marriage (though perhaps not a terrible one) and I know there is an issue of her children's father being old enough to be their grandfather. They are still together but I'm not really sure how they're doing.

I don't think it's a very easy path that you're choosing but I wish you luck. I know what it's like to introduce your parents to someone they don't approve of before they've even met him. You are the best person to know how to approach your parents (I was overseas when I met my husband so I wrote a letter). I would just be honest - tell them that you've met someone and that they might be a little surprised... Good luck!
NocturnalMistress
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 06:57 am
@Pearlylustre,
The age gap is 29 years. I am 24, he is 53. From the outside looking in it will look like I am a gold digger and he is a cradle robber - neither are true! I am not and never have been interested in a man for financial purposes. He has enough money to pay his bills and maintain a stable lower-middle class life but that's about it. And that's all I need! And when speaking on his terms, I am not just a "young tool" or an accessory. He wants to enjoy the rest of his life instead of enduring the morbidity of what he has been going through for 13 years now and he wants to do that with me. It's hard to explain the complexity behind what he and I have and I won't go too in-depth with it but I do, 100%, know for a fact that he won't "jump on to the next philly" that he lays his eyes on and I do put forth trust in knowing that it's what's inside my heart that he wants as opposed to what sexual gratification I can give him for the remainder of *those* types of days.

Whilst I put Faith that nothing bad will happen, and like with any other relationship of ANY age similarity or difference, I am willing to face the risks that further years bring.

I guess the reason I am so hung up on what is possibly 4+ months down the road is because I have never really had to approach my parents for many serious things in my life. And I lack a lot of social skills, even with my own family. My path is set and I will not change my mind but my vision of the near future on how my Dad will react is extremely blurry. I guess that's why I am so scared! It's not really easy to even find the words to bring together the first sentence that will lead into a possible confusing discussion. My guess is that it won't be too big of an issue to explain exactly what similarities my partner and I have, but rather why it is with someone of such an age gap after 2 previous serious relationships with someone 1 year within my own age. I can't just sit down on the couch when my parents are watching Television, praying that Dad is in a decent mood and bellow out "I'm in a relationship! I'm moving out! He is 53!" With my lack of social skills and my Dad's ability to lecture non-stop for 20 minutes straight I think it will be quite hard for me to bring it up all together. I know I have to do it though..but how?

Thank you for the advice you have given and telling me about these women! Smile
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Wed 1 Jan, 2014 09:16 am
Approach it like you would any good news.

It is good news, right?

"Mom, Dad, I want you to know that I met someone. I'm in love, the whole nine yards."

Those are your opening lines. Not the moving in part and not the age part. 100% positives. Make this about you being happier than you have ever been. No details to start. Just - you met someone and you are happy.

Do it yesterday. The clock is ticking on the two of you moving in together, and you really should not be doing this after that has happened. Why not wait? Because your parents will understandably see this as you having blindsided them. Don't do that.

So make your grand, positive announcement. And when they ask for details, say, "All will be revealed. We'd like to take you for dinner on Sunday night (or whatever night works)." And take them out to some place decent but not overly expensive, but that isn't a chain, and where you can have quiet conversation, so nowhere that's too loud, either. Most importantly, either you or your boyfriend should make sure to pick up the check (if your parents are sticklers for that, just tell the restaurant in advance to pass you the check or even give them your credit card # in advance and then all that'll happen is they give you the bill, you figure a tip and sign it).

A public place will prevent a blowup (you seem to be in some fear of this). It will show you out in public, that your fellow is proud of you and willing to spend money on you and take care of you (never mind modern thoughts; most parents do want to see this, at least a little bit, in particular when it comes to their daughters). This will also show you as a committed team, comfortable with each other.

Best of luck to you.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 06:18 pm
Geez, I wish you had told us that you were more independent - in your own apartment, good career, job, etc. Instead you are moving from mom and dad to . . .???

Let him get his own apartment, be on his own for a while, and THEN decide if you want to move in. He's got a lot of things to demonstrate to you that he is serious about wanting to 1) get out of a bad marriage and 2) get his life together and bring you into it.

In the meantime, TELL your family. "Mom. Dad, I have a new love and I'd like you to meet him. He's quite a bit older than me and I know that won't be a problem for you since we are both OK with it. When can he come for dinner?"

PS - He has no money? Really!! Are you sure you want that for your future? He should be in the middle of his career right now, almost at the top of his earning potential, getting ready for retirement.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 06:28 pm
@PUNKEY,
I agree with you, Punkey. (We don't always).

I also am sort of stopped in my reading by all the stuff about very long eye looks, all the specialness. This speaks to fascination that could use some review, if it keeps up. This eye staring and similar dearnesses tend to wain as a common occurrence with real life living together, and appropriately so. Romance tends to work into the actions of caring, or not, in everyday life. There are hoops to hurdle in the matter of love.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 07:25 pm
@NocturnalMistress,
NocturnalMistress wrote:
We also miss each other every second we are away from each other (like right now we are on Thanksgiving holiday and it is unbearable).


Apparently it's taken you some time between writing and posting this.

Has he moved out on his own yet?

I'd suggest waiting til he's been living on his own for at least a month or two before you make any plans of your own.

He is going to find life without his partner of 13 years an adjustment and you don't want to be on the wrong side of that experience with him.

After he moves out and he's settled into his new place, start talking to your family about your boyfriend, make plans for them to meet etc.

What advice and support has he given you about your initial discussion with your parents?

Has he offered to be there with you?
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 07:28 pm
@NocturnalMistress,
NocturnalMistress wrote:

For his and my own good he also recently stated that he is gaining financial stability (all whilst paying his own bills and dues) to move out on his own.


it is a bit disturbing that a man of his age is in this apparently weak financial position

I'd definitely suggest that you take your time about moving in with him. Don't get dragged down into his financials.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 2 Jan, 2014 07:31 pm
@NocturnalMistress,
You are 24 years old.

It is probably time for you to move out on your own in any case.

You need to learn how to live independently before jumping into another situation living with other people.
NocturnalMistress
 
  0  
Reply Sat 4 Jan, 2014 07:11 am
@ehBeth,
jespah wrote:

Approach it like you would any good news.

It is good news, right?

"Mom, Dad, I want you to know that I met someone. I'm in love, the whole nine yards."

Those are your opening lines. Not the moving in part and not the age part. 100% positives. Make this about you being happier than you have ever been. No details to start. Just - you met someone and you are happy.

Do it yesterday. The clock is ticking on the two of you moving in together, and you really should not be doing this after that has happened. Why not wait? Because your parents will understandably see this as you having blindsided them. Don't do that.

So make your grand, positive announcement. And when they ask for details, say, "All will be revealed. We'd like to take you for dinner on Sunday night (or whatever night works)." And take them out to some place decent but not overly expensive, but that isn't a chain, and where you can have quiet conversation, so nowhere that's too loud, either. Most importantly, either you or your boyfriend should make sure to pick up the check (if your parents are sticklers for that, just tell the restaurant in advance to pass you the check or even give them your credit card # in advance and then all that'll happen is they give you the bill, you figure a tip and sign it).

A public place will prevent a blowup (you seem to be in some fear of this). It will show you out in public, that your fellow is proud of you and willing to spend money on you and take care of you (never mind modern thoughts; most parents do want to see this, at least a little bit, in particular when it comes to their daughters). This will also show you as a committed team, comfortable with each other.

Best of luck to you.


Thank you for your advice! It was helpful!

PUNKEY wrote:

Geez, I wish you had told us that you were more independent - in your own apartment, good career, job, etc. Instead you are moving from mom and dad to . . .???

Let him get his own apartment, be on his own for a while, and THEN decide if you want to move in. He's got a lot of things to demonstrate to you that he is serious about wanting to 1) get out of a bad marriage and 2) get his life together and bring you into it.

In the meantime, TELL your family. "Mom. Dad, I have a new love and I'd like you to meet him. He's quite a bit older than me and I know that won't be a problem for you since we are both OK with it. When can he come for dinner?"

PS - He has no money? Really!! Are you sure you want that for your future? He should be in the middle of his career right now, almost at the top of his earning potential, getting ready for retirement.



I re-read my post, wondering why in the world you think that he has no money. I guess I kind of made it sound like that was what I was saying when I stated that he has enough money to pay his own bills. In truth, he makes enough money to be comfortable on his own, but my intention with posting what I did was to state that I, in fact, do not want him for his money as it may seem with many young females with older men. Currently he pays bills and loans just like every working class citizen with a home and vehicles. He wants to set his affairs in order before he leaves his current living situation. He cannot jump out into the world with bills and loans left unpaid. And he wants to make rational financial decisions on what place he wants us to move in - he does not want to pay off his bills and loans and then just jump into another house with only a bed and a fridge and welcome me into his arms. For personal reasons I will not state how much money he or I make, but he has enough money to live comfortably, to say the least. Mind you, he could not just go to a car lot tomorrow and say "Give me that one!" and buy it outright, but you get my point. I just wanted to make it clear in my post earlier that I did not want him for financial purposes. With his and my financial income combined, we will live pleasantly and reasonably. Sorry if what I had previously posted made it seem like that. He is definitely not going hungry...

ehBeth wrote:

NocturnalMistress wrote:
We also miss each other every second we are away from each other (like right now we are on Thanksgiving holiday and it is unbearable).


Apparently it's taken you some time between writing and posting this.

Has he moved out on his own yet?

I'd suggest waiting til he's been living on his own for at least a month or two before you make any plans of your own.

He is going to find life without his partner of 13 years an adjustment and you don't want to be on the wrong side of that experience with him.

After he moves out and he's settled into his new place, start talking to your family about your boyfriend, make plans for them to meet etc.

What advice and support has he given you about your initial discussion with your parents?

Has he offered to be there with you?


No, it will be quite a while before that transition is made. And I definitely plan on letting him settle in before I make my move. I'm just stressing over it way ahead of time, I guess! That's what my first initial post was about.

ehBeth wrote:

NocturnalMistress wrote:

For his and my own good he also recently stated that he is gaining financial stability (all whilst paying his own bills and dues) to move out on his own.


it is a bit disturbing that a man of his age is in this apparently weak financial position

I'd definitely suggest that you take your time about moving in with him. Don't get dragged down into his financials.


Please read my post directed towards Punkey.

0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sat 4 Jan, 2014 07:48 am
I'll be brutal with you - and your parents will say the same thing:

1. He is too old for you.
2. He does not have enough money to take on a young wife and start over again meeting the needs of a new marriage.
3. You are not life-experienced enough (lived on your own) to make this kind of decision.

But . . . good luck with whatever you decide. You asked for opinions, so that was mine.
FOUND SOUL
 
  4  
Reply Sat 4 Jan, 2014 02:45 pm
@PUNKEY,
You live with your parents
He lives with his partner of 13 years
You commenced seeing him a year after you met, intimately
He is still living with his partner

You say that he is working towards having even more financials so that he doesn't put you into a house with just a bed and a fridge. And, that you both work. But, in the meantime, he's still living with his partner right? And, you are in a "relationship" with him right?

Are you even sure he is going to leave.
NocturnalMistress
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 4 Jan, 2014 04:27 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
Positive, actually. It's usually all he and I discuss as of late! He's tired of living a miserable life with a woman that continues deteriorating into a dark abyss! She's lazy and rude and treats him like a child! He's tired of it and I was and am his "light at the end of the tunnel!" He says he may not have as many years as he'd like left but he damn sure wants to spend them with someone who has a great personality and actually is willing to leave the house as opposed to what pit he has fallen into over the last years!

It's not easy to explain myself. I truly don't even need to because no one is living this situation but me and him. My main concern is what kind of task it could possibly be putting this on my parents..but I think I have founds my word now! That was what my first initial post was about. Advice. Not for someone who is not even in the situation and has only details that are whirling in this topic to belittle me.
FOUND SOUL
 
  4  
Reply Sat 4 Jan, 2014 04:37 pm
@NocturnalMistress,
I was 24 once. A lot of us were. And, a lot of us are as old as your "boyfriend" if not older. I would say that it is normal to point out that he is still there, with this lady and you are at your parents, consequently, ensuring you know the risks in the event it doesn't happen. Why you would find that belittling is beyond me. I didn't call you a Mistress, I asked you if you were sure that he was going to leave.

Why? Because naturally in answer to your question of telling your parents, that to me would not come into play until he had left, until you knew he wasn't going back, until you knew that you two were going to be together, not just talk.

Men say what they want to a "Mistress" ok, I should use that word as you have, that's a fact. They also love the attention, the love, if they are not getting it at home.

Countless of threads have been made and only 1 that I know of in 9 years, turned out to be true. The rest, ended up 6 years or less later, on their own.

Quote:
It's not easy to explain myself. I truly don't even need to because no one is living this situation but me and him


I for one didn't ask you to. I wanted you to guard your heart until such time as you don't need to.

I'd say that's a nice thing for me to do, personally.
NocturnalMistress
 
  2  
Reply Sat 4 Jan, 2014 06:29 pm
@FOUND SOUL,
I appreciate your intentions, as I would probably do the same thing if the role was reversed. When someone tries to explain a situation through the internet it's damn near impossible. And I realise that many relationships between people of age difference fail. If it happens in 6 years or less, so be it! But I will try my damndest to make it work. You have to admit, heartbreak can happen between anybody regardless of age. I can move out with another 24 year old and spend x amount of time with him and the relationship fail and it would be no less of a tragedy or heartbreak if I was as in love with this 24 year old as opposed to a 53 year old. I have meddled and pondered through every thought possible on the future, consequences, possibilities. Every person on this earth has to make choices and make leaps and that's what I'm doing! I hope and pray that 7 years, if this site still remains, I can come back on here and say "We are doing wonderfully!"

And just as a sidenote, I had no intention of bringing this topic up when I signed up for this site, so I know the "Mistress" term sounds rude and attention-seeking and makes myself look like an immature person but the "Mistress" in my name has nothing to do with this topic. My favorite band actually has a line in a song that says "Nocturnal Mistress, spirit lover. Her mouth of wine and woodsmoke taste." That's where my name came from!
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sat 4 Jan, 2014 06:56 pm
@NocturnalMistress,
I meant - they are in a relationship for 6 years or so, before realising he is never going to leave the other woman... Like you said, 'near damn impossible' to explain... You've been with him a while and he's still there.

Thanks for the explanation of your name, I guess dark is better than sunshine seeing as he doesn't like mornings Smile
NocturnalMistress
 
  1  
Reply Sun 5 Jan, 2014 02:18 am
@FOUND SOUL,
I catch your drift, and have even stated my fears many times to him..

This wasn't just something he woke up with one day and a light bulb popped in his head and he said "Leave her, you're miserable!" It was moreover a gradual thing. He weighed his options of coming home to a girlfriend and two dogs and being treated better by the dogs than her and forcing him to perform all daily chores while she sits on her bum. Or coming home to somebody who actually wants to put forth effort and loves him unconditionally, doesn't ignore him and loves to leave the house! He cannot continue to make anything out of the rest of his life with her except one lonely person! I'm ready to show him the world and be shown!
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Sun 5 Jan, 2014 03:17 am
@NocturnalMistress,
I hope it works out the way you want it to..

If you read some threads from one of our members "Daisy", she is with an older man. Says she is happy but I dunno.. Something in what she writes, doesn't cut it.
0 Replies
 
 

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