Second time I caught her

You both need counseling.

Get some tools for dealing with this, whether it's to stay together, or not. And you'll need tools for working together to support your children, if you part ways.

Once, a mid-life crises and the power of sexual urge.

Twice, a base betrayal.

There will be a third, fourth, fifth etc.

Leave her.

I'm about 99% sure it will come to that, and should come to that. My only concern is to assure that those 4 kids are cared for.

First I think you may be doing this to purge. I'm sorry for your troubles. It's difficult to understand how a person can deceive you for that length of time..and twice. What was your relationship like during that time? Did she gaslight you? I think you need to define what you are getting out of the relationship.

True, but the kids won't benefit from an ugly, deceptive relationship between their parents.

If I'm the guy who originated this thread, I'm going for full custody (and possibley settling for less)

However, unless this thread has whacked him up-side the head, he will never do so.

If you have to ask advice about what to do when your spouse cheats on you twice, you are not likely to be firm and definitive in your response.

I'll give her the first trangression, but the second indicates she is selfish. There is no reason to think that someon who is so selfish as to betray her marital vows will be less so when it comes to her kids.

My kids have and always will be loved and cared for

I agree
Just so lost and confused
Looking for something to make sense

Before the first it was fine
After the first is was good for a while but then started to go south
But mainly we fought because I thought she was up to something and she would get mad at me for accusing her which turned out to be true

Perhaps you are grieving over a relationship you no longer have. Relationships can overcome adversities such as infidelity but only if both of you are on board. Counseling would help clarify things and then you could decide how or even why proceed with the relationship. Children are very perceptive of tension in the home..over time they end up making discoveries concerning adult talk behind closed doors..think about the message they're hearing..this could cause them to harbor much insecurity in the future.

DNA of the children may be of assistance.

Betrayal never makes sense except for the betrayer.

What you are looking for is reality to change and conform with your wishes.

It isn't going to happen.

My advice is tough but realistic.

Cut your losses and move on.

Relationships between a man and a women can be wonderful, but they can also be a source of heart ache. It's understanable that you might want to hold on to what you had, but things change and not always for the better.

Good luck to you.

what you are doing is not working, so you must do something else:

Possibilities are

end marriage (but you will still have to have a relationship because of the kids)
counseling
make relationship open
work on relationship in the hopes that she is cheating because she is not getting what she needs in the current marriage but that this can be fixed


deciding what to do properly you will require that you understand why she does this. you have been married to her for two decades, there is no excuse for you not knowing her well enough to answer this question.

Mmm 4 kids , if some are still young stay for them. Try reconciliation. Otherwise, move to a new relationship while remaining at home. If your wife likes role play start with the light rattan and quickly progress. Almost forgot, are you up for visiting the others?

I thought I know her
She says it just happened
The first guy was just games the escalated
The second she said she had or had feelings for
I know him old neighbor/asshole personality
She said she could never live with him but has or had feels for him
He has ignored her for the last 2 months before I found out. So he care nothing about her

What do you mean visiting the others?

is the problem that the bedroom got stale? that would be a relatively easy fix.

Whatever you do, don't rush it. Make sure you know the legal ramifications of anything, and seek counselling. At the end of the day it comes down to whether or not you want to stay with her. Don't use the kids as an excuse to stay in an unhappy marriage. Kids are resilient, they'll survive their parents splitting up as long as you keep in regular contact.

Couples do get over things like this. But first you need to find out WHY your wife seeks sex/comfort/attention outside your relationship.

You have said very little about why she strays. We only have your side of it.

Surely you must have some kind of idea as to how she finds the time and the energy to have multiple affairs.

You have a point. I wonder if she would agree to an open relationship.. It would certainly cut through all the bs..