Should we break up?

Yes, this would be a very big problem if I were in your shoes.

Four years of dating is a long time implying a serious relationship. You have the right to expect a level of commitment, and for him to not be with you for the holidays is unacceptable.

If I were in the boyfriend's shoes (and I cared about my girlfriend) I would make an ultimatum to the family. Either they accept my girlfriend, or they don't get to see me for the holidays.

If I were in your shoes, I would make the same ultimatum. If after four years of dating he can't stand up to his family for me... I would leave the relationship and find a new boyfriend who was a man enough to have a serious relationship.

In my opinion, what he is doing is unacceptable. You deserve better.

Thank you for the advice. He told me people can change and he doesn't think it will be like this forever. He said his family helps provide for him because he is a full time student and the first time he threw everything away for a girl he can't do that this time, I just don't know what to do!

Four years is a long time. He needs to figure it out. I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

It is good that you are talking with him about it. But you have every right to insist that this change. I assume he already spends Valentine's Day with you... so, if it were me, I would tell him he has until Easter to work it out.

He will graduate in May and I know his family will be there I told my sister if he doesn't invite me because I have been there for him every day supporting him than it's done. His family already invited people and given away all the tickets but if I am important to him he will make room for me!

I would feel the same way.

Good luck.

Oh, man, I'm sorry to be reading this.

Here's an idea - can you invite the family out for something or other? It does not have to be super-big and expensive. If the family is very large, maybe consider a few smaller gatherings, like a dinner out with a couple. Pick whoever seems to be most likely to be accepting of you, and try them first. And act as if it's no big deal, that it's a double date between you and this other couple.

Be gracious and pleasant. Just as importantly, you and your boyfriend should pick up the check.

Why? Because a lot of this is an economic power play. After all, if your boyfriend was financially secure, it would be a lot easier to tell them to go scratch.

So do your best (both you and your boyfriend, that is. This isn't a job for just you) to split off some of the family from the pack. Have pleasant times out with them (or invite them to your place) in a way that is not under the aegis of the parents, who I suspect are the driving force behind this shunning (they usually are; it's usually the people with the $$ or the older generation who do this, and in this situation the parents are both, so the likelihood there is pretty high, I'd say).

What would be truly golden would be for his brother (or sister, or aunt, whoever you can get to see and spend some time with) independently and without prompting asks, at the next family gathering, "Where's ___ (your name)?" And then let the parents explain their behavior.

A lot of people get away with bad behavior because no one calls them on it. It's time that changed here.

Is there a cultural or religious objection to your previous marriage?

If so, then you will NEVER get their approval. So don't ask your boyfriend to choose between you and his family because you will lose.

Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Really Punkey??? Would you really accept this after four years of dating? I should as hell wouldn't. At some point in a relationship this has to be resolved. After four years, it is about time. After all, she is not asking him to give up his family. She is asking him to be in a long term committed relationship... spending holidays with your partner is part of that. I am sure he can go spend time with is family some time other than the holidays.

What is going to happen if this young woman marries this guy? Is she really going to stay at home alone, while this guy takes their children to spend holidays with his parents?

I also think that if I were in the shoes of this boyfriend, I would make it clear to my parents they they will accept my girlfriend... at least for holidays, or they won't be seeing me. Wouldn't you do this for a long term relationship that you cared about?

I have a hard time believing that many of us would accept this situation; being abandoned by a long-term committed relationship because of their family. I think it is bullshit.

Let's find out the ages of these two.

I suspect that this is a young love and the family does not want the "shame" of a divorced woman to taint the reputation of their 'little boy."

We both are in our thirties. There is religion involved catholic, but the Catholic Church recognizes divorce now, especially since I got divorced because I was mentally and physically abused. He is worth it, in my eyes, I know love can be blind, that is why I am searching out advice! I have a big wonderful heart and so does his family and I know they only want what is best for him but I take care of their son to the best of my ability. I have never hurt him, stopped him from being him, or pursuing his goals in life. I want what's best for him and that's what they should be looking at, is he happy! I will never ask him to walk away from his family for me, I lost my mother and father both when I was in my twenties I'll walk away from him before giving him that choice!

My dear, it has been FOUR YEARS!!! You two are not just starting out. You are not youngsters . . .

This family either accepts you or not.

Your boyfriend needs to get a backbone and put his family in its place as far as you are concerned.

Aren't you worried that he will not stand up to his family in other areas, even when you are married? (I really thought you both were in your teens when you first posted.)

Your happiness is important too. If you are not happy, then it will never be a healthy relationship (no matter how much you love him).

Thank you everyone for your posts. Yeah it could seem like we are teenagers because Adults shouldn't be dealing with stuff like this, but here I find myself. My happiness is important to me and that's why I reached out to make sure what I was feeling was real. I am afraid he will choice his family over me and Im not asking him to do that, what I mean is I am afraid once school is over and he has to join the rest of us in real life with a job and such that he will leave me, because his family doesn't approve, and I am not ready for that. He says we will be together for the rest of our lives (yes, I know people can change their feelings, fall out of love) but I believe him and I am scared he will and I do not want to face that by any means, and I don't want to push him for fear that I will see it sooner than later because I keep bringing the issue up. I know I am hopeless, I just wanted to talk about it with someone who isn't going to judge me, be there for me and give me a little encouragement as I feel I am going crazy over this as other people struggle with real hardships and such. Please forgive me if any one thinks this petty, or really not a big deal but I am happy with my boyfriend I just want the happy ending, or my happy ending that I imagine in my head. lol

It's not petty, and it's not a small deal. Not getting along with inlaws is pretty awful.

Married to a man who puts you 2nd - to his family is even worse.

Why hasn't your boyfriend stood up to his family about this?

It doesn't seem like they are living together.

The boyfriend relies on his family for financial support while he is studying (why would he do that if they are living together?)...they are insisting that he attend their place on the holidays without her.

He threw it all away for a girl once before.

Given that statement - he'll likely be disowned should he disagree.

In all of this...there's something missing. How long has he been studying for? It seems odd that he is studying in his thirties, with no means of support other than his family. Is he a 'professional student'? Does he ever complete a degree? Does he keep changing his mind about what he wants to do? Does he sponge of his parents? Is he ever going to provide for you?

What is his cultural background?

Dump him. He can't think much of you or he'd put you above his family.
You don't want to go on playing second fiddle to them do you, knowing they think you're "shop-soiled second-hand goods" because you've been married before?

It's very difficult with religions and cultures. I have a friend who is younger than you, both study and his parents will not accept her either, it's been 3 years now..

There is a lot to consider. You have to ascertain firstly just how old fashioned they are if they could go against what the culture suggests if they were to and loose friends in the process would they even consider it.. I am betting "no". You are outed .

Then, there is the son who rebelled your boyfriend and obviously, in my opinion, that is what you are holding onto, he did it once, he will do it again but he is adamant that he won't.. He did it once end of story.

4 years is a long time, not a short amount of time, his parents can see that he must be happy but they still haven't budged.

I know that my friend, his parents actually really liked her as a person, thought she was good for him, but it did not alter their mind what so ever. They tried to hide their relationship as well... In the end, why do you not want to feel free, deeply loved, being a part of everything ... You are always going to feel 2nd and always going to feel caged...

"If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours if they don't they never were"...

Imagine..... The truth is in letting go and meaning it, staying away and sitting back waiting... Be honest, tell it from your heart, you can tell him you love him as well, but that you are important, you want to be free to celebrate everything with him and so, until he is willing.. You are going it alone....

He went to college the first time obtained an associates than went on to Pursue his next degree meet a girl dropped out for her she dropped him a year or two later he went back home realized he wanted to help people he can't do that with out another degree his family wants him to be successful so they agreed to help him while there he decided to go all the way for a masters his first year going back is when we meet so for the last four years he has been a full time student trying to get his masters. He will graduate this June he did what he set out to do! Family is very important to his family and me losing both my parents I understand and I don't want to take that away I just want his family to see me for who I am and that's a beautiful person who loves their son. He says we will be together for ever and that it wont always be like this but for now since I see him 360 days out the year the holidays he only gets to see them and he wants some time to do that. I'm not stopping that I just felt he could give me an hour on the holidays because being in a relationship it's important to spend it with those you love me not having family and all.