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Tue 17 Dec, 2013 08:23 am
Ok, I don't know where to start, but i think I'm a normal person, no mental health issues, yet.
I had a normal lower/middle class upbringing, was ok at sports, done ok on an educational level, ended up getting a degree in engineering and I'm now working as a system/project engineer.
I found that I was easily impressionable as a teenager/young adult growing up, as I'm sure most kids are, (I'm 32 now).
I grew up with kids that were and still are little shits, with me falling into that bracket, I got caught shop lifting when I was 11, I started smoking pot and drinking when I was 12, I wouldn't say I was a bully but the kids I hung around with certainly were, with me being on the end of several beat downs. As a kid I didn't think or know any different so I just accepted it as the norm. My older sister boyfriend who I looked up to at the time was a part time thug and drug dealer, visiting prison on several occasions, I now release he was a moron, but at the time this was the kind of people I had in my life leaving their impression on me. I moved on to harder drugs, ecstasy when I was 17, coke, shrooms, speed, MDMA, and acid soon after.
I caught a break when I was 18 when my parents insisted I went to university, either just to get me out of the house or to help me change as an adult and they thought university would be the best place to open my mind to reality.
It did.
I stuck out like a sore thumb from start to finish. There where all these nice people that I thought never existed who were all so different to myself. But I related to these people with three strange interests:
1-Drink
2-Drugs
3- Drum and Bass
I was still an ars-hole, I used to carry a knife around with me, I just evaded prison when I was 19 due to my university attendance, that one was for drunk and disorderly and assault on a PC, which was later dropped - two years suspended sentence, then again when I was 22, in my final year for common assault charge, got 180 hours community service.
Looking back at my university years I can't remember any good times, only the times when I had hurt, at the time a close friend or done something that was now cringe worthy or harsh, usually that revolved around drink or drugs. Looking back I had so many opportunities that I now regret, especially with women, but also great friendships with men that I've lost due to me being in all honest words, a complete "c*nt".
I slowly lost friends one by one due to them losing patients with me and my actions, with the last one being lost at the age of 25 due to me not being able to control my penis and sleeping with his sister several times, which didn't go down to well as I was house sharing with the guy at the time, but was also close to his whole family, maybe a bit too close!
I had nothing to do or no one to do it with after that so I hit the drugs and drink quite heavy for about 6 months, and looking back at it maybe I was depressed, who knows. But that all came to an end when after being on an all-day drinking binge I decided to go for a drive down some country roads and hit a tee junction at 70mph. I don't know how I survived, and got away with it, no police or anything. I was in the middle of nowhere. No-one heard or saw it, the car was a complete write off in a horses field, spun and flipped it, with no front end left on the car and the drive shaft was found in the next field the next day. Call it divine intervention (I'm not religious in any shape or form), or whatever you want, but I shouldn't of walked away from that, with literally not a mark on me.
I was back to work after only 1 day off, but I went into deep though for many weeks after that, I stopped drinking, smoking and all drug consumption. I had my mother break down in front of me which was one of the worst feelings in the world. For weeks I felt as though someone had just slapped me across the face and shock me shouting in my ear "WTF ARE YOU DOING".
I hit a low, I felt very alone. Then the strangest thing happened I found myself being in a position where I would be an impression on someone.
My older sister had a little boy with a new boyfriend, a genuine, hard working, stand up member of society. This little bundle of joy, then would of been 3 years old was spending more time in my life. I looked back at my life and thought that I've got to do a 180 degree change because I don't want this young mind to look at his uncle and think it's ok to act like I used too.
Over the next seven years I feel i have changed completely, nothing like I once was. I would quite happily and have walked away from violent situations, ones that as a younger man maybe I had insecurity problems I thought that I would of had to fight my way out. I've moved jobs been promoted several times and am fortunate enough to travel the world for my job seeing many new countries on my way, all over Europe, Asia, north and south America, which I truly believe has helped broaden my once narrow mind.
My sister now has two sons, ones eight the other five, with both of them top of their class's in education and sport. Obviously their parents are responsible for that, but when I’m with them I try to past on as much love and positivity as I can, helping them with homework, reading and taking them to museums.
I don’t want to come across as being someone who wasn’t loved or looking for sympathy, my parents done a great job and my pass has made me very strong minded, I was just weak minded and was trying to be someone who I wasn’t.
I now think about passed friends a lot and think about contacting them, almost every day. I have seen a couple of really old friend from my troubled passed who haven’t changed and they seemed to not be able to understand that I had changed, which made me feel a little uncomfortable. When they started retelling stories of things I had done in the past this made me feel even more uncomfortable to the point I wanted to leave, as these stories brought great shame to myself that I was once that person who now I was trying to forget.
I don’t know whether I should be moving on and letting my passed go, or I should try to rekindle and try to heal the scars of my past, with the fear that people may not except the present me and still have hatred for the past me, not willing to forgive??
Don't upset the apple cart.
It's usually a bad idea to be in touch with people who are self-destructive, particularly if you're getting over/have gotten over such behaviors, as it can be easy to back-slide right back into them.
If you have friends from earlier days who have made something of themselves, I see no problem with being in contact with them and encouraging them as they rebuild their lives. You can support each other. But to contact people who are still using? That's just asking for trouble, and I think you know that.
They are out of your life, and you are entitled to keep them that way.
@AhhHDanielson,
Stop beating yourself up for the past. Your bad behavior happened when you were a child, then a rebellious teenager, then a foolish youth - you are an adult NOW. You are hanging on to some self indulgent "shame" - and a little self pity - and you need to get out of that mind set right now.
I notice when my kids (ages 25, 39, 42 and 45) get together, they start bringing up the old stories - and there's a contest about who was the "wildest" and who got away with the most. They are trying to impress each other and I notice that many of the stories are embellished, too.
So that's going to happen when you meet up with friends from the past. Perhaps they want to remind you of what you were. You can just laugh and say, "Yup, I was a wild one." - and let it go, then change the subject. Perhaps many of them have not grown up from that stage in their life like you have.
You have not betrayed anyone or need to wallow in the past. You sound older and wiser and now you need to shine a light on the future, not keep looking at the darkness from your yesterdays.
Good luck!!
I wouldn't worry about the friends of the past, especially if they are still living the life you did. If you met these people for the first time today, I doubt you would become friends with them.
You're a different person now, go on and live your new life.
@AhhHDanielson,
Guys thanks for the replays already.
I just want to make it clear that the people I would like to contact where the people I connected with who didn't necessary use or do drugs, the people who when I look back at it were the polar opposite of me at that time, who were just nice people who I didn't appreciate at the time and may of abused (not in a sexual way!)
@AhhHDanielson,
Have they ever made any effort to contact you?
If not, they clearly have moved on themselves.
Let it go. There's lots of other opportunites for friendship out there that won't involve your having to prove to them you've changed, and potential mistrust on their part.
Sure they are nice people. Let them be nice people in their current lives, and you be a nice person in yours.
@AhhHDanielson,
Class reunions are a good way to "prove" to others that you really did change. It's an opportunity to start up again. But if they have bad feelings about you, then know that their trust level for you may be low and you will have to prove yourself.
You can always start the conversation off as "Boy, I was a real creep when I was young. I can see that now."
@jespah,
Hi Jespah,
Thank you for your thoughts.
I've been in situations where I've been around old friends who still "use" and I have been weak and smoke a little pot, my bad, I know.
I sometimes see a glimpse of the the old me when I'm at my weakest, when I drink. I feel maybe the drink was more the problem as it can be for many people, but definitely drink and drugs in the past lead to bad decision and though process on my behalf.
I have lost all contact with everyone from my uni days, so have no idea what everyone's situation is. I truly believe that my old friends, user and none users (there was lots of none users as well), wanted me out of their life's because of my bad personality. But it was my choice to leave, like a wart on society, we all know you can't just take the top off a wart, it will grow back worse. To truley remove that wart you have to dig it out from the root, yes it will hurt and bleed, it will scar, but once its gone its not coming back.
I do agree with you and think I am entitled to do what I want and maybe it is best to let old demons lay to rest.
I should move on.
@PUNKEY,
Hi Punkey,
I really appreciate your time and thoughts.
Your right and I fully understand that I'm hanging on to my past, I try so hard to not look back and try to look forward, but then there's a trigger, a name, a sound, a thought, something that takes me back and then its almost like a shiver runs through my body, a shiver of guilt of why I was like that.
The thing with the stories is that I cant condone them in any way shape or form, me saying I was wild would be stating the obvious and almost saying I revel in the limelight. I can't tell you all of the stories but a majority of them revolve around unnecessary violent acts to complete strangers and I'm truly not trying to impress anyone with stories of my past.
I do need to keep looking forward and not wallow in the past, but sometimes a lack of concentration pulls me back.
Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am.
@chai2,
Hi Chai2,
Sometimes I think that too, would I be friend with any of these people if I met them now? I believe some, yes. Users or none users, most of them were very nice people, people who left there impression on me.
But you are right, I need to let go and move on.
@chai2,
Hi Chai2,
Again, thanks.
Again you right, they haven't tried to contact me, but I had severed all ties, I'm not on any social media web sites and I have changed my phone number several times, so even if they had tried, I would never know. That, i think is the thing that bugs me a little, not knowing.
But you right, let bygones be bygones.
@PUNKEY,
Hi Punkey,
Thanks again for replying,
I had searched a little for these kind of events, but they tend to make me feel a little uncomfortable, I'm not saying I'm a complete social retard, but the though of lots of people standing around telling you how well they've done and how much of a dick I used to be doesn't bode to well with me.
I think you guys are confirming that what I though, maybe I'm not as strong as I think and I need to not dwell in the past and let the good times roll.
@AhhHDanielson,
AhhHDanielson wrote:
Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am.
You're probably stronger than you think you are.
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