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About to be put in friendzone.. Should I just leave or change my approach?

 
 
listern
 
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 09:48 pm
Hi im new.. age 18-23 (young, college student age)

Looking for outside perspective at a critical juncture in the game.

As I am a noob, don't understand relationships but i think I have been able to identify my critical errors:

-I failed to escalate intimacy when lights were green, on several occasions
-I tried just using conversation, and verbal flirtation to get her to like me, and it worked, but not enough touch and physical interaction so the attraction factor is missing/needs to be built

situation breakdown in a nutshell
-I've become emotionally invested and utterly infatuated
-I told her I really like her
-we hangout literally every time she has spare time, she's a student, so literally every weekend since we met in september.
-we have like conversations of "deep diving" for literally like hours on end into the night, really getting to know each-other on a level I never thought possible with another human to be honest..

after hanging out with her like the 9-12th time, when I told her I really like her and needed to know if she felt the same way, she finally told me she's started seeing a guy in the summertime, and he moved away for school. and that she's confused and misses him, and keeps thinking of him., yet loves being around me and wants to continue hanging out.. "as friends" ... yet when ever we hang out, (especially since i told her I like her) shes showing more and more signs of interest in me, things like leaning into me, always getting close.. all her body language and interaction says "YES" -- BUT -- her words say otherwise--

I don't want a girl who would cheat on her man, so i never escalate it or make a move.. is this a bad choice?

last time we hung out she was saying she's sexually frustrated that she has wait another month for him to return, looking at me with hungry eyes inviting me into her home, (in girl language that means she wants me to lay her.. because shes hot and bothered and really enjoyed hanging out with me that night.)

but unfortunately her parents were home, and shortly after she started doubting her choice to bring me in, feeling the guilt.. and then went on to say "lets just be friends" and that she's not sexually interested in me. (which is her way of trying to push me away, but shes always showing signs that she's is sexually interested.) I failed to close the deal, because I didn't know if I should, because she's confused, and not single..and her parents were in the other room and there was no door I could close.

i feel like I made a critical error and I may just need to abandon ship now. that she says she just wants to be friends..

I really honestly like her and every-time we're around eachother we always have a great time, never a dull moment, and i've never hung with a girl as deep, and sweet and genuine as her..
My interest is not just looking to get laid, I know I could have if i wanted to already.. but I really see a great potential for an dynamite relationship.

She's spent so much time with me she's very emotionally invested and is "afraid to lose me as a friend"

am I asking on the wrong fourm because my intent is relationship, and not just getting laid?

I know for a fact If I keep in touch with her, yet keep my distance.. then years later.. when this boy she's seeing is gone, she'll have grown alot and would come to realize how much "being around me was like no one shes ever met before", and she'll want to be in a relationship with me..I know if I wait around for her as she gets to fool around with this boy, while staying in the friend zone, then my chances become zero.. so should I just abandon ship? stop contacting her much at all? and contact her years later when she becomes available?

It'll be a rather big thing because right now we've been texting and calling like almost every day pretty much since we started hanging out.

It seems the game has ended from my perspective, but a little part of me still has a naive hope that theres still a chance..

Thats the story! Please now show me how I'm a huge, clueless noob! I wish to see the holes in my broken logic, and possible solutions, if any at all.
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 18 Nov, 2013 08:13 am
Girl language?

No wonder you're having issues, and not just with this woman. We're not an alien species, yanno.

But be that as it may, I'd abandon ship if I were you. She's using you for an emotional crutch in case she gets too horny while her boyfriend is away. And she's using him as her port in a storm, where she can say she's got someone (whatever wonderful status that allegedly gives her) in case someone (like you) asks. Plus she doesn't have to really emotional invest in him, since he's long distance.

Win-win!

For her.

I can clear up her confusions in a few minutes.

  1. There's a boyfriend, regardless of how close/far he is, how emotionally available he is, etc. This is not a husband or a fiancé. He can be broken up with if she is feeling unsatisfied or wants someone else. Yet she is not doing that. BIG, ENORMOUS RED FLAG!
  2. Consider these oh so deep, intimate conversations. I had 'em in college, too. Probably a lot of other folks did, or do. That's more of a nature of your age than anything else. You get older, and you start to become more discriminating in terms of who you bare your soul to. This is self-preservation + understanding that people are going to flit in and out of your life and it makes sense to save up those big, honkin' revelations for people where it truly matters.
  3. The parents, the house, etc.? Not cool, not cool at all. Put yourself in the other dude's position. He's thinking everything is hunky dory and, not only is someone else making time with his girl, but his girl is only prevented from doing the deed by her parents being around. The decision should have been made by either/both of you and not an external party. See, this way, this girl gets to yank your chain a bit more, and blame her parents for the sale not being closed. After all, you could have gone elsewhere, yes? You're both over 18 and may or may not have access to transportation. Plus that wasn't the last day ever of existence so there could have been other opportunities. Instead, it's the folks being home that one time that kills it?
  4. This state of limbo, as I noted earlier, is awesome for her. In the meantime, you are being prevented from going out and meeting other women, and having these deep conversations with them.


Go out and find an unattached and fully willing woman to have deep conversations with, and the idea of parents being around or not being around won't be enough to keep you apart.
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Mon 18 Nov, 2013 09:12 am
@jespah,
Quote:
No wonder you're having issues, and not just with this woman. We're not an alien species, yanno.


Really?
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Jack of Hearts
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Nov, 2013 12:04 pm
@listern,
Here's a novel approach...show her your posting here. It's you being as honest and open as possible; you show your feelings are true, and you totally respect her. What is in this post that you don't want her to ever know? The only flaw I see is your lack of confidence; show her this, and clear that hurdle. Just do it! Good luck, (And get back to us - everybody likes to hear about happy endings.)
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