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Need help making a relationship decision!? Thoughts & opinions please!

 
 
peka
 
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 06:34 pm
The short story-
I have a 2 year old daughter, with a man that was verbally abusive. We were living together for 2 years and prior to that had a long distance relationship for a couple of years. I left him twice thus far, and DO NOT want to be in a relationship ever again.

The problem - Our relationship now,
We've been separated now for a year. We communicate just fine when we aren't living together, and we're always on the same page when it comes to raising our daughter. We both feel as though daycare is best at age 4. I am a single mother, so putting her in daycare seems to be the only option, but I truly refuse to do so. Prior to this day she has been going to my parents house, brothers and his wife has been taking care of her while I work. BUT the schedule isn't lining up anymore so now I have to make a decision.

The solution,
I do not want to put her in daycare, I've come to the conclusion that possibly I can remain sane by living with him in a 2 bedroom and in the city where I have family and friends. Thus allowing me to escape when it does become stressful in the home. He will be the one who stays at home with our daughter while I work full time, but he will have a job on just the weekends. We have set boundaries, and he knows when she turns 4 he will move out, he also knows I do not want a relationship with him.

The problem with this solution,
is I'm worried that I may feel stuck (even though we clearly have set boundaries and he knows when she turns four he will get his own place). He has already expressed his deep love for us, and he acknowledges that he was verbally abusive and is working on changing. I know deep down that he feels there is a possibility of us being together again, which concerns me.

My concern is,
What if i feel trapped
the verbal abuse may start to spiral out of control again
I'm worried that my happiness may start to deteriorate again

My question is,
Is this really a good idea?
Is there any other solution?

Side Note:
He is a great father and treats our daughter like she means everything to him. So there is no concern of him talking negatively to her. He is big on teaching her all different kinds of things in this life. It's just honestly I think our personalities together causes him to feel like he can bully me all the time.
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 06:40 pm
@peka,
I think this teaches your daughter that going back to an abuser is better than putting a child into daycare because you just, for some reason, don't want to.
peka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 06:54 pm
@jespah,
well the optimum age is 4. i know that if i put her in daycare, the medical bills will increase, she will pick up bad habits, her security will decrease, she will regress on her learning, she will regress and start wearing diapers all over again. (she has been out of them since 17 months because of EC) , behavioral problems. A study conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, found that those who spend long hours in child care will experience more stress and are at increased risk of becoming overly aggressive, and lastly the main concern is my daughter is pretty shy and studies have shown that children who are shy do horribly in groups at this age, and their stress levels tend to be higher in a daycare or group settings without the parent.

All of this is a concern that my daughter will not be a secure adult, because of not being close and secure to a parent in a comfortable setting. The ability to learn new skills also will decline.

So it Jespah it isn't just because I don't want to put her in daycare, I definitely have reasoning behind it.

I'm just ... well ... trying to make things work with what i got. . . I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but right now it seems like it's the best option.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 06:58 pm
@peka,
Do you have family you can go to? A female roommate you could have? Surely there are other people you could live with.
peka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 07:25 pm
@jespah,
There isn't anyone. That's the frustrating part. Everyone I know has a lease term, has a job, has obligations and they can't just stop what their doing and live with me and take care of my little girl.

jespah idk, i know if i do feel overwhelmed i could just spend a weekend at my parents/friends house to unwind. it's 2 years that i have to stay strong. that's not too long...
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 07:35 pm
@peka,
It seems like you have decided that you will live with this man regardless of the possible impact on your daughter of living with two people who don't do well living together.

In that case, I'd suggest that 1) you get a lawyer and sign a contract about how the relationship will begin and end ; and 2) begin couples counselling now - before you move in together. The counsellor will help you both prepare to work through the difficulties that will come of the two of you living together.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 07:46 pm
either he wants you back or he should get a father of the year award. either way give it a whirl. i would be more concerned with the financial implications of him barely working than your emotional well being, because as you say you have a plan for that.
maxdancona
 
  3  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 08:01 pm
As a divorced father with a daughter (and no history of abuse), I can't imagine this working. I did the separated but living together thing for a few months... it was incredibly stressful. Moving out turned out to be the best thing for everyone involved.

If the arrangement with the father of your daughter goes bad, it will go very very bad.

Are you and the father going to counseling? This might make things better and I would strongly recommend it in any case.

But in any case, it seems to me that daycare is the best solution.
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 08:34 pm
@maxdancona,
Quote:
As a divorced father with a daughter (and no history of abuse), I can't imagine this working.
maybe your imagination is lacking. post Great Recession separated or divorced couples often stay in the same house, and make it work.


now for something actually helpful:

Quote:
What You Can Do To Make It Work

This basically works down to one word: clarity. Here are some questions I encourage you to discuss with each other before you decide to live together after you divorce:

Is one of us still hopeful that we will reverse the divorce and save the marriage? Is this hope realistic? If so, let's get some counseling now. If not, maybe it's a bad idea for us to live together.
Will our living together delay (and therefore worsen) the grieving our children need to go through? If so, maybe it's a bad idea for us to live together.
What is our time frame? Have we already set a date certain for one or both of us to move? If not, how will we know when it's time?
If one of us wants to bail out early, will we allow that? How?
How will we pay household expenses? Is one of us required to pay child support or alimony to the other? If so, how will we make sure we obey the court's order?
What money will we share, and what money will we keep separate?
Who will have access to what credit while we're living together?
How will all this change if one of us leaves sooner than we planned?
How much of this are we going to include in the legally binding marital settlement agreement, and how much of it will be simply an issue of trust?
Is there a risk of common law marriage in our state? If so, what steps will we take to avoid it?
Is there any space in our home where one of us will not go, at least not without a specific invitation?
Are there other spaces in our home where we need to allow one of us exclusive use for short periods of time (like a bathroom or the kitchen)? Do we need to write down a specific schedule?
What approach are we going to take to dating? Are we permitted to bring a romantic partner into the home? When? Will we have some "ground rules" about what one spouse will do when the other brings a romantic partner to the house? How will the people we are considering dating react to our continuing to live together after divorce?
Is there anyone whose presence in the shared residence would create difficulty or hurt feelings?
Are we going to have sex with each other?
How will we describe our living arrangement to friends and family? Will we say one thing to some and another to others? How will we keep our various stories straight?
What other concerns does either of us have about this that Lee forgot to ask and that we haven't yet discussed? (Lee's note: when you come up with this, I'd be grateful if you'd pass it along to me.)

http://www.divorceinfo.com/livingtogetherafter.htm
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 09:17 pm
Unless you have PROOF that daycare would be harmful for her, then don't discard that idea. Your daughter needs socialization, she is just about ready to get into pre-K. Will she be ready? Contact the local school and see what other mothers are doing with their pre-K kids.

Going back to this abusive man is the LAST thing you should be thinking.
Seek out other options before you return to him.
Mame
 
  3  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 09:20 pm
@peka,
peka wrote:

well the optimum age is 4. i know that if i put her in daycare, the medical bills will increase, she will pick up bad habits, her security will decrease, she will regress on her learning, she will regress and start wearing diapers all over again. (she has been out of them since 17 months because of EC) , behavioral problems. A study conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, found that those who spend long hours in child care will experience more stress and are at increased risk of becoming overly aggressive, and lastly the main concern is my daughter is pretty shy and studies have shown that children who are shy do horribly in groups at this age, and their stress levels tend to be higher in a daycare or group settings without the parent.

All of this is a concern that my daughter will not be a secure adult, because of not being close and secure to a parent in a comfortable setting. The ability to learn new skills also will decline.

So it Jespah it isn't just because I don't want to put her in daycare, I definitely have reasoning behind it.

I'm just ... well ... trying to make things work with what i got. . . I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but right now it seems like it's the best option.


That's all bullshit. I put my daughter in daycare when she was 2.5. She flowered. She socialized with other kids she wouldn't have otherwise. She learned more language skills, was exposed to art and music, they went on field trips, read more varied books, learned different songs, did holiday projects, etc… it all depends on the daycare. Yeah, she got more colds than she would have, but that would be no different if she'd been in kindergarten. She did not exhibit any of those issues you mentioned. I will now tell you that she is a successful mother of two (who are in daycare - oh horrors!) and that she is a successful child protection worker.

Get uptodate. You have a bias and an agenda. Get uptodate.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 09:24 pm
@Mame,
Amen!
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:03 pm
@Mame,
lol, " I cant be a racist, I have a black friend!"

a sample of one is not much of an argument, but I suppose it is inevitably that this thread would turn into a front of the mommie wars, so you use what you have.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:13 pm
@hawkeye10,
You're saying day care is not an option? If that isn't what you are saying, say something relevant.
peka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:13 pm
@ehBeth,
We are definitely doing couples counseling. The relationship that we had, there was hardly ever yelling when we got into disagreements ... it was more of constant belittling on his behalf, and granted that isn't ever good in front of a child. BUT i do know that when we do have disagreements we will go to separate rooms to discuss the issue. Which we are both on an agreement on.
A signed agreement is a good idea as well.

You know you're right though, I really do have my mind made up, because I feel the need to defend this decision I have decided on. I guess really I just wanted to see what people have experienced with similar situations, to get a better idea of what the outlook will be.

Thank you ehbeth for your input.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  2  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:17 pm
Peka said: My concern is,
What if i feel trapped
the verbal abuse may start to spiral out of control again
I'm worried that my happiness may start to deteriorate again

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Give it a try, you can always walk out again with a clear conscience if he don't shape up..Smile
0 Replies
 
peka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:21 pm
@hawkeye10,
financially we will be just fine, not really worried about that. He definitely knows how to hustle when need be. The thing with him is I know he loves me deeply, I was his first girlfriend and I know he wants to be a family again. He is willing to do anything to get us back, even counseling. His upbringing has made him who he is today, and changing that has been very difficult for him.

I look at it like if it goes badly then daycare will be the choice, and I will tell him to leave... so I guess we'll see.

Thanks for your input.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:24 pm
@roger,
roger wrote:

You're saying day care is not an option? If that isn't what you are saying, say something relevant.
I was a stay at home dad for ten years because my wife and I do not believe in daycare. some people go far to arrange their lives to avoid daycare, I get it.
0 Replies
 
peka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:28 pm
@maxdancona,
Did you and your x go to counseling? Did it help? If you don't mind me asking what was the main issue in your relationship you had?

We are definitely going to counseling that's part of the deal we have!

Thanks for your input, it's nice to read someone who has gone through something similar!
0 Replies
 
peka
 
  1  
Reply Sun 17 Nov, 2013 10:29 pm
@hawkeye10,
WOW
This is great!

Thank you, thank you!
 

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