Is my boyfriend of 2 years truly committed?

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Hello there,

I will keep this as short as I can. But some background info might allow for the best answer

We are both 21. Basically my boyfriend is great, I keep a list of all the wonderful things he does. For example, calling me every night to say goodnight and even being upset when I do not call. To worrying about my safety. His actions have always spoken the most about him. At this point, he actually wants to see me everyday even if its for 2 mins. As for myself, I am caring and want the best for him. I always try to be supportive in his school and I "usually" never nag.
When I want to get my point across I think about it and try to remove my anger and wanting to blame and look for a solution to express my feelings, as I have learned blaming gets me no where.

To describe our relationship, we do not drink or go to bars/clubs. We might go for a friends event or so in a year, I would say we go maybe 3 times at most. We spend more of our time doing quality activities that allow us to develop ourselves and bond over such as taking a salsa class or checking out the zoo or biking. Even watching movie we don't really do as I see it as us really not getting to know each other better. We both agree on this, not just me, in fact we have done so many activities that some times it seems we have done everything in the book that not most couples in 2 years would have done.

The problem: He has shown that he is committed to me and I to him because we keep opposite sex relationships to a minimum as we have encountered in the past that they lead to problems. I did not want to force this on him, he came to this conclusion and I myself and we both agreed. Now, his friend who is not that great with women was asking for his help to go to bars to pick up women. I told him to go but I think that he is putting himself in a situation where it would get us into a bad place. Yes, he is helping his friend however in a place where he would have to double date essentially these girls so that his friend can get laid..I think the friend is putting him in an awkward situation asking this of him. While he can control himself I just think that this friend will require more and more of him as my boyfriend put it "its like he wants me to find him a wife" .. I have just found that getting involved this way is not a good idea especially when at a bar or club other girls will want both of them to dance etc. This is not cool with me as we have both established because he would never want me to do this to him.

So he told me how much he loves me and cares for me and doesnt want to go because it would affect our relationship AND that if he does go, that he wants me to be there. Wonderful, amazing.
Now I found out that he told his friend.. I was being crazy and how I kept going on and on and now if "we" go.."she wants to come along too"

I felt very upset when I found this out. And I spoke out of anger and said some hurtful things about past events which I should not have. So he tuned me out and didnt want to bother since he thought i think he is a horrible person. I felt upset moreover that it concerned me what he was "truly" thinking. not to me, or to his friend. But I don't want for him to be resentful towards me rather than it be his own choice? Because then it will be hard. Either that or I felt like he couldnt stand up for himself.
TO himself, which one is it? After bringing up the past he felt defeated and my point just got thrown out the window. I should have stuck to one thing and not done that.

I want him to not go because it is his choice, which I thought is what he said to me..but clearly not to his friend. He said yes he used me as an excuse. but overall was he just sweet talking me. It would be a disaster for him to resent me, and not his own choice and I do not want to hold him back.
Can anybody advise me? I really appreciate it

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[+4] - jespah - 11/10/2013He's probably the only person who can really answer this question. Be that as it may, this so-called friend is essentially asking for your boyfriend to be his wingman. And, bottom line, he...

@juliejulieleelee,

He's probably the only person who can really answer this question.

Be that as it may, this so-called friend is essentially asking for your boyfriend to be his wingman. And, bottom line, he should be asking an unattached friend to do this. There is no reason whatsoever to, specifically, involve your boyfriend. This is not like him asking your boyfriend to facilitate a meeting with a known friend or relative already familiar with your boyfriend. Instead, it's to pick up strange girls.

This friend should also - as should your boyfriend - realize that this isn't finding a wife for anyone. This is getting the guy laid and it's nothing more.

That's not your boyfriend's job.

The friend should have never put the guy into that position in the first place. And, let's see this from the perspective of the unsuspecting women at these bars. Girl #1 is chatted up by your boyfriend, likes him and thinks he's a nice guy, particularly when he doesn't try anything physically. Girl #2 is chatted up by the friend. Then the end of the evening arrives and Girl #2 and the friend leave together. Girl #1 is given the cold shoulder and is told, "Sorry, I've got a girlfriend."

I am, frankly, surprised that your boyfriend doesn't have astronomic dry cleaning bills from cleaning off all the drinks thrown in his face, or has a permanent hand print on his mug from all the deceived yet hopeful single women who've slapped him into next week.

I, personally, don't agree with the limitations on opposite sex friends, but this is your relationship and not mine and if these are your ground rules then that's that. The paradigm hasn't shifted. Your boyfriend is playing with fire and he and his pal are being unnecessarily mean to some innocent women.

This crap needs to stop yesterday, and it's not even because of how it makes you feel. It's bait and switch and it's nasty and wrong.

2 Replies

@jespah,

I could hardly agree with you more, on every aspect you mentioned, Jespah.

This was not your question, julie, but I'll give my opinion as an older woman anyway - it gives me near shivers to think of having lived my life with no opposite sex friends. My life is richer for having had male friends over the years. In a world where I couldn't have had those friendships I'd have felt completely trapped. We learn from other people and some of them are men.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

Maybe I needed to clarify that part, we have those people but we do not keep them close as in go to bars one on one or movies etc
I have opposite sex friends who I am acquaintances with and chat with go to events with but they are not my best friends who I call to share funny jokes with or my day to day life with

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@juliejulieleelee,

Ok, I get you. I came back to say my take, that anyone asking me to not have a close friend of the opposite sex would make me feel claustrophobic, not only intellectually, but re experiencing how the world works by others saying what they think in confidence - and that that may be a part of your boyfriend sailing out to bars with his pal, a kind of release from rules, even rules he agrees with you about.. not so much re finding out what others concerns are, as to get away from rules. It's a very human thing.

I have to think about your age and what I thought then, but also about the burgeoning social media effect on all our lives (I'm 72, as a reference point).
I was a scamp as a single woman, but I was a faithful wife since that was commitment. But over many years I have had male pals I dearly care about and still do. They were busy enough with their wives, girlfriends, male lovers, whatever, but we had some great talks about life.

I guess I don't think of friendship as I remember I did in my twenties, the day to day pals I went to concerts with, etc. It's more which people stuck because we had close talks back then, even though our ideas have morphed over time.

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@jespah,

I generally agree with Jespah on these types of threads, but on this post I strongly disagree.

To tell your boyfriend that "This crap needs to end yesterday" is a solid first step to breaking up with him. If this is what you want, then by all means take the attitude being suggested here.

But if you want to grow your relationship in a healthy way, you are going to have to be accepting where you can and communicate to solve this disagreement in a way that meets both your needs.

If the woman I was dating wanted to go to a bar to support one of her friends who has trouble meeting guys, I would accept this. I need to be able to trust the person I am dating depending to respect the commitment our relationship. If I was uncomfortable with this arrangement, I would talk about it. I feel that expressing feelings is an important part of a good relationship.

It is unhealthy for anyone to control the other relationships of their partner. To demand that the boyfriend not go to a bar with his friend is, in my mind, ridiculous.

Jespah's fantasy about what will happen here is pure speculation given that she doesn't know either of the people involved. There are all kinds of ways to support a friend. But this is really a tangent.

The real point is that in a relationship, you can't control the person you are dating. You need to communicate in a healthy way and work through these things with respect.

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I agree with Maxdancona, there is too much in the OP's story about control. Keeping lists... "usually never" nagging (usually never?)

"we do not drink or go to bars/clubs." He evidently doesn't mind bars.

"We might go for a friends event or so in a year, I would say we go maybe 3 times at most." Hmmm...

"We spend more of our time doing quality activities that allow us to develop ourselves and bond over such as taking a salsa class or checking out the zoo or biking." Sounds dull. Bonding shouldn't be a scheduled activity or even consciously planned.

"Even watching movie we don't really do as I see it as us really not getting to know each other better." You see it? You think watching movies distracts you from getting to know each other better?! It wouldn't be because those movies might have girls or women in them, would it?

"We both agree on this, not just me" Yeah right.

4 Replies

@maxdancona,

Hi there, I appreciate your advice greatly.

I wanted to address some of the things you mentioned so maybe I could get a more detailed answer. He already told this friend no to going and did not go about 3 weeks ago. It recently that I found out what he said to his friend that made me feel upset. I questioned which one did he really mean moreover to himself?

He has been to bars before except it was with a group of friends and the single ones danced and he talked with others etc. However just the two of them, this friend will ultimately end up involving him because the jist of story is for his friend to go, whilst my bf observes him. I can clearly see this is impossible to observe his friend in a loud environment and is just a ploy to get him there and once in the situation be forced or pressure to go along. You are right I do not want to control him like a child. Whatever the situation is, he should be able to make his own decisions.

But in this particular case, I would imagine that going to a bar he would need my bf to wrangle the girls and have these dates or so whether it be bar or taken out of bar for round 2. It seems like this friend is asking of him to do things that essentially undermine what we have. I say this because my friend has purposefully taken me out on a double date where I did not know until the last minute where I could not exactly be a sour puss and say byebye. That in my opinion is something two single guys should do not one who is committed. Why put oneself into that temptation and IF something happens say oh that is the end of our relationship due to the fact that some slip might've happened..and say Oh whoops guess it's not meant to be. That's stupid. You don't put yourself into temptation in the first place. I don't go to clubs and walk around in a skimpy outfit and put myself into a situation where guys will hit on me on inadvertently touch me..UNLESS I am purposely looking to do so.

I have seen girls at bars/clubs ranging from prudes to ones who will give bjs in the washroom. His friend is looking for the latter... I would not tolerate my bf going to a bar or club finding skanks for his friend (great) but having other ones that he has to entertain. That just sounds plain ridiculous.

He is not helping the friend out in an appropriate way that is respectful to our relationship and honest to me. Yes if he was going to a damn church or community event that would be great or even a social event. But particulrly to a club or bar with the intent to get his friend laid is a quest that involves the finesse of a single man

1 Reply

@contrex,

To add, there cannot be double standards in the relationship. He absoltely does not want me to be in an environement where there will be guys looking for meat. He has told me many times that wants social monogamy. I think he honestly saw it as JUST going to help his friend out but inevitable the situation would have turned different. This guy friend wouldnt honestly go alone to approach these women let alone have a conversation

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@maxdancona,

I agree with you on that, Max, well, more or less - we posted around the same time.

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@contrex,

This is the one part which I think you are missing.

HE does not like to go to bars or clubs. I wanted to go to a club for my birthday to which he obliged but did not want to go.

HE wants to bike. I mention things that I like to do or want to do and during the summer when we do not have school we set aside time to do those things as we both work full time during summer and only have a friday off.

We do watch movies but not excessively to the point where most of our relationship is spent on the couch.

You are making my point extremes.

And as for the whole control idea in general. Control is only if someone wants something the other person does not want. Then it becomes controlling to force them. If we both agree we don't like something, its not controlling at all, now is it? Which here, this is my question.. maybe I did not make it clear.
My question is more, why could he not clearly say to his friend the truth but I've come to believe that it was more not wanting to look like a dud to his friends and more just immaturity. Yes I used to use him as an excuse to my girlfriends but I grew up from that and they respect and understand me. I just think he needs to get to that

That might sound boring to you and yes bonding is planned. Silly. You plan a camping trip with friends and bond over the activities you do there and the stories you take back.

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@contrex,

haha lol I missed a part in your response,

you are too funny. You really misinterpreted me

No actually when we watch movies its usually comedy with lots of women

You are missing my point completely and are coming from the perspective that I am trying to be controlling..

This has nothing to do with control.

I was upset at the fact that he told his friend one thing and me another because he was immature and could not stand up to his friend.

Even on his on before meeting me he did not like going to bars when all of his friends would. Do you not understand that?

Its the fact that he tries to make people happy and doesnt want to offend them by turning down their request. Hell if the friend said let's go to space and he doesnt want to, he has a hard time saying "no" directly without thinking that they would be offended. He hasnt just used me as an excuse.. when he doesnt want to do something with others he will say something with family has come up..

THIS is what i was trying to adress all along.

1 Reply

@juliejulieleelee,

It seems to me there are two different issues here.

I completely understand why you are upset about what he told his friend. If the person I was dating told me one thing, and then told her friends something different, I would be just as upset.

It sounds to me that he felt resentful. When I feel resentful toward my partner, I tell her directly. To talk behind your back is unfair. He should tell you what he is feeling to your face so you can work it out. My advice is to tell your boyfriend how you felt about this, honest in a relationship is a reasonable request.

But the second issue is his behavior. I feel strongly that it is impossible to change the person you are dating. It is probably wrong for you to even try (changing another person isn't your right). But in case, in a dating relationship, trying to change the other person is a nightmare.

If he is acting in a way that you can't accept, then you don't belong with him. None of us here have any ability or right to judge your boyfriend without meeting him, but really this is about the relationship.

You have two choices, you either talk it through and reach something that meets both of your needs. Or you leave him. There is no third option. If he is not meeting your expectations and you can't work through it, you have to consider the possibility that you aren't meant to be together. If a girlfriend ever tells me that I am not meeting her expectations, that pretty much signals the end of a relationship.

Quote:

He is not helping the friend out in an appropriate way that is respectful to our relationship and honest to me

I don't understand the relationship you have with your boyfriend. But this would me the wrong way if my girlfriend said it. How I help my friends doesn't have anything to do with my girlfriend. I would feel this crosses the line.

Turn it around the other way. If your boyfriend said the same thing about how you are with your girlfriends, would you accept this?

1 Reply

I'm still see control issues here, it's just that both of you are into it (it seems). Every little bit of this story seems so, including your boyfriend of 2 years being the puppet stringer for pal and women. Or just the hell going out with him to a bar or bars.

I don't hate bars, have liked a few, though I suppose I haven't been to that many, just a batch over a few years long ago. I met a man I dated at one, we had different backgrounds, it didn't work, but are still friends even now. My husband and I went to dinner once with him and his wife (I liked her a lot).
He's still my ex's lawyer to talk with issues (not a divorce attorney) and asked how I am. I say we are still friends though we haven't actually talked for a long time. We could.

So, control is an issue in this talk we're all having, but so is fear.

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Quote:

he has a hard time saying "no"

Including to you?

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@contrex,

I am only responding with these example to explain on my side, it is not about control.

For example, he wanted to go away on new years with his buddies I told him to go have fun. He kept telling me oh we may go to bars, and sleep in a hotel or so. I told him to go have fun. The moment he told me he was going I was thinking oh awesome now I can catch up with my friends over the holiday this works out perfect. I told him to have fun and he said to me "don't you even care or arent you worried?" I told him I trust him to go enjoy himself.

He told me that his friends wanted to go to a strip club and he doesnt believe in going to "those things" whilst in a committed relationship. I didnt really believe him when he told me this but I just listened to him anyway. .

When he was on the trip he got into a fight with the guys because he told them he didnt want to go whether using me as an excuse or not I do not know but I do know he got into an argument about going to a strip club and some of the older guys on the trip actually did not want to go either. In fact I remember, he contacted me at night to see how I was doing and what I was up to

In this case I said not a word. Now you tell me, it would only be control if HE wanted to go and I was saying no no its so wrong blah blah. I said none. and if in any case that would be wrong of me because he desperately wants to see what is on the other side and i am..holding him back? lol when people get ideas in their head and someone holds them back it is wrong because they have ideas that they must do something?

I have never once called him to ask him where he is or anything. In fact, he keeps telling me I dont mind when you bother me call me more etc.

moving on, another trip came up but he did not entirely like the people going on the trip. Rather than say HE didnt want to go.. he said how I would be bitching at him for going all the time and not taking me...
??? I had no idea about him going and wouldve told him to gladly go again so I can have more time with my girls

Do you see my point more clearly now?

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@maxdancona,

Yes, If my friend asked me to help her out in a way that would be something against my boyfriend and he pointed it out to me I would be totally ok with this. That's my answer to you. As much as my friend needs this "help" could they not get another one of our girlfriends to do it?

If it was going to be something like going on double dates, that would not be respectful to my boyfriend and my friend should not have that dependency on me. Its not me being a bad friend, its understanding my own circumstances.

I would not ask my older friend who has children to come out at night and help me out or put her in that situation for her to feel bad about not wanting to help me due to her children.

Likewise here, I understand if the relationship were casual and we didn't decide to be serious, but we did, and plan to get married after grad school.

So yes, if he told me this I wouldnt be defensive towards him. Which he has actually told me. He did not appreciate how my girlfriend baited me to go out and hangout with other guys for HER own self. That isnt right of the friend now is it?

1 Reply

@contrex,

He's told me no before but I have never stopped him from doing something that he's wanted to do for himself. He wants to do his hobby which means I might not get to see him all fridays for over a month, I tell him go ahead I want him to be the best version of himself.

But when it comes to immature friends who can put what we have in trouble while they are just looking to better themselves whether it get laid or whichever that is a problem yes. And when I say put what we have in trouble I mean exactly that, this friend will become dependant upon him to always go and be his wingman and not to chit chat with girl but the find one whose dtf. It would be completely different if the friend said hey can you come to this social event and watch me etc. But honestly not a bar or a club, i believe that impossible without actually getting invovled.

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I see I stumbled into the mens room re my bothering responding.

I think you two need more time to figure out who you each are, to yourselves and each other. I don't mean that as a knock, and wish you well.

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@juliejulieleelee,

Quote:

Yes, If my friend asked me to help her out in a way that would be something against my boyfriend

What exactly does it mean to do "something against your boyfriend"?

Talking bad about you to his friend counts as doing "something against you" in my book.

Honestly, I fail to see how going to a bar with his friend can be taken as something against you. There is nothing about him going to a bar with a friend that impacts your life in any real way. A girlfriend is not a moral authority. I don't get why this concerns you.

It sounds like he wants to support a friend and to have fun. These are both acceptable things to do when you are in a relationship.

1 Reply

Is my boyfriend of 2 years truly committed?

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