Is my boyfriend of 2 years truly committed?

you missed my point, if it was simply going to the bar with his friend that would be fine. I get the idea you choose to ignore the rest of it.

He goes to bars all the time when hes not caught up with school or so. Ive never gone with him and i tell him to have fun enjoy. However he doesnt go with friend(s) who there intent is to involve him in finding a slut to **** for the night. you are missing that point and assuming that I dont want him to go to the bar at all

I didn't miss your point at all. I am making an important distinction.

If your boyfriend were going to to the bar to find someone to have sex with (himself), then you would have a valid complaint. It is reasonable for you to expect that your boyfriend not have sex with other people.

But that isn't what is happening.

Your boyfriend is going to the bar with a friend. Your boyfriend's time with his friend doesn't concern you. You don't have the right to control what your boyfriend does with his friends.

I don't know whether your boyfriends friend would agree that he is looking for a "slut to ****". I assume that those are your words, not his (correct me if I am wrong). This choice of words certainly expresses your feeling on the matter, but it may not even reflect reality.

But even if this friend is looking for someone to have sex with for a night and wants your boyfriend's support, I still believe that you are crossing the line. Your boyfriend isn't having sex with anyone, and isn't doing anything to hurt you.

Your boyfriend doesn't need your approval for how he spends his time. He is an adult and makes his own decisions.

I believe in communication in a relationship. You can express how you feel, but you should respect his decision on what to do with his friend. It would be wrong for you to try to control how he spends his time with his friends.

In other words romcoms. Sheesh, poor bastard.

Yes youre right it is perfectly normal to express my opinion to him, the time with this friend does concern me, as he pointedly told me his friend is looking for "a slut to ****" . he would like to have some notches on the proverbial belt. Not coming from me.

Clearly you only see this as the friends doing. But I believe whom you surround yourself with you will pick up a few bad habits one of which being at a bar to look for "a slut to ****". You act as if he will be a cup or an invalid object whilst his friend is out at the bar. Clearly not or else his friend would not need him.

He would inevitably have to be with these type of people whether on a consistent basis or not, to appease his friend. If i saw my friend guy or girl doing something that isnt exactly productive to themself there is no wrong to clearly point that out. That isnt right of the friend to try and involve him like that. My girlfriends wouldnt try to involve me like that anymore because they know he wouldnt like it. You act like it is wrong to "control" a person and give the term such a bad rap. Let me get this straight one should be in a relationship where they are free willy?

I believe I do have the right to control what my boyfriend does with his friend if it involves putting himself in a situation where his friends asks of his help when he knows he can ask one our of single other male friends. You at least have to understand that not all our bf male friends have good intentions. They want their buddy to be single or at least act like it so that THEY can have what THEY want. They are only looking at their best interest so why should I not?

But you are right, ultimately, it is his choice. But friends can be bad influences that I must point out. Ive had friends like this who wanted me to act single too, to show me some hot guys I could have fun with etc and put me in that position. One thing leads to another. I dont believe it putting oneself into a situation and then saying oh whoops i couldnt control myself.

Everyone does things to protect themself. Has nothing to do with me.

Youre right he has to not want to do it because HE himself doesnt want to put himself in that situation, no body else. However when you have friends pressuring you to go.. is that not just as wrong. clearly.

no actually, i hate the romance comedies. they all have sappy endings.

It seems like lots of people here are quite ignorant and only look for the bad

JulieLeeLee said:

Lucky guy, I'd need at least half an hour

Anyways. I did not tell him he cannot go.

I said go, if you really believe that you need to go to help your friend and he really cannot find someone else to go with him then go.

But exactly how long are you to do this for? When your friend feels its right for and he has had enough?

Youre going to put yourself in that situation and I think it is playing with fire. What happens when he needs you to go on double dates with the girls etc.
as his friend is too much of a wuss to be alone with another girl, at least until quite some time is established. Plus getting into the mentality of "oh yea i scored or we scored" when really I dont see why or how that should be the adopted mindset of a committed person. Why because they supposedly need to get it out of their system? Thats like watching jersey shore and saying you NEED to club to get all this **** or whatever it is out of your system. Just seems like a fabricated problem people create.

On a side note it is not right of his friend to keep bothering him, just as you may say it is wrong for me to try and control him. And I am saying this because ( i hope the point isnt ignore, readers tend to see what they may) my bf is not a bar person, he has said it to his friend many times before. He doesnt like to drink and prefers to be outside doing something more along the lines of hunting or whatever.. he complains whenever his friends want to have their birthdays at clubs

Whether you have the right to control your boyfriend or not isn't the point (although in my opinion you don't). The point is that you don't have the ability to control your boyfriend.

Look at what is happening based on your attempts to control his behavior. You have made him uncomfortable to the point that he is talking bad about you to his friend. I am not excusing the fact that he is doing this, if I were talking with him I would suggest that he be direct with you about his frustration rather than talking to other people. But, I am pointing out that obviously your boyfriend is resenting your attempts to control him.

What do you plan to do? I think you have three choices, really.

1) You can accept your boyfriend as he is and work through the feelings you have to build a healthy relationship that meets both your needs. This means letting him be himself, particularly with his friends.

2) You can play this game where you are punishing him for actions you don't approve of and he is talking behind your back leading to an unhealthy relationship where both of you are unhappy (it seems to me that this is what is happening).

3) You can break up with this boyfriend and find someone else who you could accept.

What you can't do is force someone to change. Not only is forcing someone to change unfair, it is also impossible. It only leads to resentment.

you make it seem like it is the end of the world and I need to break up with him.

Once again missed the point. He doesnt like bars or clubs, not coming from me, coming from him as I would ask him to come out to clubs before and he wouldnt really want to go so I was cool with that and actually didnt find them as appealing realizing that the friends made it seem that way.

He is talking bad about me to his friend due to his own immaturity which as ive learned young men do not want to look like duds to their other guy friends. thats my point, he was not frustrated.

JulieLeelee said:

Not if he's one of those men who like being controlled. Handcuff him, blindfold him, gag him and start punching him around and see how it goes

I am not saying you need to break up with him. I suggested two other options (although one of them isn't a very good option in my opinion).

Accepting your boyfriend as he is and working on a respectful relationship that meets both your needs is certainly a perfectly good option.

I think you are right that I am missing the point. There are two things that are confusing me.

1) Your boyfriend clearly wants to go to the bar with his friend (or else this whole discussion wouldn't be happening). I don't get why you think it is important that he doesn't like bars or clubs. This doesn't make sense. The only important thing is that your boyfriend wants to go to this bar with this friend at this time. He is an adult. This is his life. He has every right to do this.

2) If you think your boyfriend is "immature", I don't understand why you want to be with him. You can't have a healthy relationship if you are judging your partner's behavior like this. That isn't how healthy relationships work.

If you want to stay with your boyfriend, then by all means stay. I am only suggesting that things will be much better if you learn to accept the person you are with as they are instead of trying to control or change their behavior.