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Sun 11 Apr, 2004 08:36 pm
I just have to get this off my chest. I just spent a weekend upstate with my family, and I am so happy to be back in NYC. I used to feel like I had a place in my family, but more and more I feel like I am just some outsider. I have a huge extended family, but my immediate family used to be me, my brother, and my parents. We were pretty close, and I used to feel like I really belonged.
I moved from Rochester about ten years ago. My brother got married to an overbearing, forceful woman who I never got along with, and now they have two kids and another one on the way. I used to think that it was no big deal that I didn't get along with her, because the rest of my family was still there for me, but now, due to the fact that my brother and his wife have added to the family, and his wife is a very take charge kind of person, it feels more and more like it's her family, and since she doesn't like me much, that makes me the outcast. Add to that the fact that they have all become very religious, and I still doubt the existence of a God, and it just multiplies these feelings for me.
When I went home this weekend I felt like I was hanging out in a cult, whose leader is my sister-in-law. How the hell do I deal with this? This weekend I had to listen to her opinion on gay marriage (it's an abomination), Bush vs. Kerry (if Kerry gets elected there is something really wrong with this country), and all sorts of absolute "proof" that Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected from the dead. It seems like I have the opposite opinion on almost everything that they believe, and my sister-in-law, who thinks that people who don't believe the same things as she are just not very smart, is the leader. It's her family now, and I'm just an inconvenient pain in the ass who comes to visit every once in a while.
I want to keep my bond with the rest of my family, but I feel like it is slowly becoming a situation where I am not even a part of it.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice, or empathy, or what. I just can't stand this feeling!!! It's like I'm losing my whole family, and there's nothing I can do about it! Dammit!!!!
It's good to get it off your chest at least. I dunno what to say except that hopefully her day will come and your family will snap out of it. Have you spoken with your parents about all this?
The funny thing is, they used to complain about her all the time, but slowly she's taking over. Maybe it just seemed much worse this time because it was "resurrection sunday". They don't call it Easter anymore, because that is a pagan ritual.
yikes!
still, have you talked with your parents about her lately?
I know how you feel Kicky. When my sister had a baby my folks moved to Vancouver to be near her and their grandchild. I felt deserted. Luckily my bro-in-law is cool and I feel secure.
The most important thing IMHO is that you stay true to yourself and your beliefs. She'll eventually blow it...just bide your time.
Nope. Not this weekend. I don't know, maybe I'll mention something next weekend when I call them. This is insane. This was probably the worst visit I've had with them in all the time I've lived here. I was so happy when I got back to NYC that some homeless guy was begging on the street near my apartment and I was even glad to see him!
I know of what you speak, Kicky.
I'm in my mid-thirties.
Soz, have you had a similar experience?
I think you should mention something to your parents. It doesn't have to be antagonistic, just tell them how you feel.
I am definitely going to. I can't take this crap much longer. Thanks.
Similar, though different in several ways. It had to do with my dad remarrying a very sweet woman who believed everything he said -- including very self-serving things he said about problems in our (his and my) relationship. So the first couple of years of visits after they got together was liberally strewn with him rolling his eyes at her in a "see, that's what I'm talking about!!" way when I said things.
I decided to just keep quiet, as what was the point? If I succeeded in convincing her of his folly (he has been diagnosed as a Narcissistic personality, alchoholic, clinical depression, what have you), then what? I WANTED them to be together, so he wasn't so much my responsibility. (I'm an only child and my parents are divorced.)
And if I didn't convince her, well, that's no good either.
So I just gritted my teeth and vented to my husband, and now after a decade or so she has figured some things out on her own.
Similar, but a lot of differences too. They are both basically nice people, and the religion thing especially in your situation has got to suck.
You could be a little fun for them--
Take the guys to a ballgame or your parents out to eat...
I get this visual of you all sitting around in a stuffy room, with her at a podium or something.
Divide and conquer with beer and pretzels.
They are probably dying for some respite!
I wouldn't be surprised if someone else in your family felt the same, or similar to the way you feel.
Kicky - I think this sounds like a slow, awful nightmare. I can imagine the complex, difficult feelings as it happens - it must feel a bit like those SF films where, one-by-one, people change into something else - they look right, but they just aren't who they were.
I think the talk to your folks advice, which you plan to do anyway, sounds great.
The start something else that is fun thing, next time you are up there, sounds great too - to get the focus off topics on which you feel like the odd one out and which accentuate the distance - or at least get the talk onto less divisive things!
Beer and pretzels, indeed, or bloody croquet (fun with kiddy croquet sets - with flamingo mallets etc - er...that may just be my friends who like to get out and belt a hedgehog...ahem) - in Oz back yard cricket gets many a family through hell (backyard baseball, basketball??) - anything to get the little kids involved, too, and having fun - this usually gruntles the adults and, with luck, may get your SIL too puffed to speak!
What did you all use to do en famille to have fun? Any chance of doing it again, and disrupting the current pattern?
We have a horrid friend in my group, who dominates in a very nasty way - dissimilar politics, but still - one friend has discovered a great way to derail her - she just sits next to her, looks deeply and intently at her, and says "And how are YOU, Lizzie?" And then listens, like a champion, for half an hour or so, to a tale of woe, which gruntles Lizzie, gets her off track, gets stuff off her chest, and everyone can have some fun!!!! I am by no means sure if this would work, of course!!!!
Anyways, I just wanted to say how well I understand how awful it feels.....are hugs too mushy and 'orrid????
I'm with you Kicky. My father called yesterday for Easter. He asked how I was and I flat out lied! Said we were doing fine. We are not doing fine, especially on Easter. Dad's an Episcopalian Priest and gives a kickass Easter sermon. It's one of the days I miss him the most.
But I get little feeling from him and now, less and less support.
Yesterday he asked to speak with my kids. I'm sorry, they are with their mother. Oh, it's her birthday today isn't it?
Gee, thanks for the reminder that in the past four years, my ex has been to their place about four times, we've been there once.
S'okay Dad, I prefer your ex, too.
Families! <shudder, shudder>
Oh, man, I feel for you.
And these are good ideas - talking to your folks and also seeing some way to have family time without her. I can't offer much more but my sympathy.
My sister-in-law is not overbearing. But I've never felt like she considered me a part of the family. They only live 15 minutes away but I think she's been in my house maybe twice in over 2 years. The flat I lived in previously was only 5 minutes away from them. I was there for 4 years and she didn't once walk through the door. And I've really tried to let her know she was welcome. I don't really bother trying anymore.
Kicky, I think you would enjoy the family if you could arrange to see your parents on their own, and had an evening out with your brother. He
and they probably need a break from her too!
shepaints suggestion is a good one, kicky. Subtract her from the equation. Is it possible for them, (your parents and/or your brother) to come visit you in NYC from time to time? For lunch or dinner or something? Maybe once a month or whatever?
Start your own traditions.
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