A friend in need....

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Hi everyone! I've been a member of a2k for a while now and have gotten to know alot of people here, Please pardon the use of a second username, but I really don't want to destroy any kind of reputation that I might have with some of you. (Anyone who figures it out, please don't give me away, I would be horribly embarrassed.)
I too, followed along with AngelEyes story about the imaginary baby, and was as disgusted as all of you, and well I know that I can't fool Craven if he sets his mind to finding out if all is legitimate. Anyway.. my story is this...

At one point in my life, I had a really big problem with methamphetamine use. (Speed, crank,crystal, meth...) One day I woke up... to find my very young child crawling across the floor of a filthy motel room where I was sleeping off a 16 day sleepless binge. I was 19, and pregnant as well, I had no job to attend other than a "run" here and there... IF my car would make it. My family had disowned me (for other reasons). I was a high school dropout. In that instance that I woke up, reality hit me like a TON of bricks, and I made myself a promise.... to get my act together. So, I started with my mother. I made my amends and asked her for help. I got enrolled back in school and ended up graduating only a half a year behind my class, took parenting classes, got a job I loved in an office, and eventually met the man of my dreams. (Whom is no longer in the picture because I'm a fool). I was a new person. Fast forward to the present.
I now have even more children to take care of, but I can't seem to hold a job, when I do finally find one. I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm getting shutoff notices left and right. I get discouraged SOO easily and sometimes I just cry because I feel like there are two of me.. One trying to sink me and the other trying to keep me afloat.. I KNOW which I'd prefer to be but I feel like it's a losing battle.... So to give that one the advantage... I turned back to the drugs. Temporarily, I have full control of my life and emotions again and can think clearly. But when it's over, I feel twice as "sunk" until I can't take it anymore and I have to do something to stay afloat and then it all goes round again. I'm not a stupid person... I see the pattern, and I see what it is doing, and I know the effect that it is having on me and the people around me that I love and the probable outcome. WHY, god WHY... can't I fix it? I hate this weak person that I have become, that I've regressed to after all the hard work I put into becoming sober. I don't want to hit rock bottom for another wake up call.. my family... my children need me. I made a promise to myself and I let myself down... How can anyone count on me if I can't even count on myself? I just REALLY don't understand all of this. I HAVE control of me.. I know what I want more than anything.. so why can't my brain tell me no? WHY do I always give in.
I am reaching out to anyone out there who has gone through anything similar, I'm not searching for advice really... I am just looking for encouragement from my friends here at A2K because today, I looked in the mirror... and I made myself that same promise that I made all those years ago. I just can't seem to find the optimism it takes to get through the first few months...
I appreciate everyone who keeps an open mind regarding this post, and I love you all.

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How many times have you cleaned up?
Does your family know of this most recent slide downhill?
Are they/would they be supportive?
Narcotics Anonymous comes to mind.
My husband fell off the wagon recently, and we hit AA with a vengence.

Please do think of your kids. The damage you are doing them, you can never undo.

The first thing I'd do is sit my kids down and ask them to tell me what life is like for them, if you have done anything to hurt them, and if they feel safe living with you.

Those answers may provide you with the strength you need to get busy getting well.

They may need to visit family of friends for a period, while you get your head on straight. I hope they are the #1 priority, and everything else comes next. They are completely innocent and dependent.

God bless you, dear. Will add you to my prayers tonight.

You can do it. You and your children deserve a safe, stable life.

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Sofia-
Thank you for your response, and thank you for your prayers... That time I made that promise to myself was 8 years ago... that was the only time.
My family does not know.. Most, I would be too embarrassed to tell, and the others have the same problem as I do, just no desire to beat it.
I apologize to anyone in AA and stuff, but I believe AA can be just as engulfing as the addiction itself, almost cultish, that is not an option for me, but thank you for the suggestion.
If not for my kids, I would have given up. They are the only thing I live for, so of course, yes, I think of them.
Fortunately, the avalanche has not occured as of yet to where it has affected them in any way this time.. I guess atleast to an extent, I did learn a little from my mistakes. Enough to know that it will effect them if I can't get a grip. My kids are very affectionate and loving, and I wouldn't dream of ever sending them to visit anyone for any length of time, they are my lifeline. I need them as much as they need me.
Bless you for having the concern to reply.

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Hello Anonymous,

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Do you have anyone who is completely and thoroughly on your side? Do you have any kind of access to a counsellor? The kinds of things you are dealing with are more than most any single person can bear -- that's what support networks are for, and it sounds like you don't have much of one.

Happy to offer what support we can... Give yourself credit for stopping short of disaster this time. That is indeed progress.

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Help may be as close as the blue pages of the telephone book.

Check under "mental health". Most clinics have a sliding scale of fees and while there are waiting lists, distressed mothers can frequently jump to the front of the line.

Also, there is probably a listing for a 24 hour hotline. This would be staffed by trained volunteers, but being able to dial a number and hear a friendly voice might help you forestall the craving for ease/oblivion.

And of course, we're here. Good luck under both names.

Hold your dominion.

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Anonomous welcome and I would think you still have hope because you have reached out here at A2k.

I will hold you in the Light.

Be happy that you do have family and children and do try not to be so hard on your self. One lesson I have learned in life is trying to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results has been the ruin of me.

As those above have given good advice to you. Please seek professional help and we will be here for you as well.

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Anonomous wrote:

I apologize to anyone in AA and stuff, but I believe AA can be just as engulfing as the addiction itself, almost cultish, that is not an option for me, but thank you for the suggestion.

According to Stanton Peele's Addiction Website your belief is right on the money... and that's why it works (for some). A paper called "Love and Addiction" convinced me that people actually become more addicted to the comradery of their fellow addicts than they do to any substance itself. It's comforting for one to know they are not alone. This is why addicts seldom get much support from fellow addicts while trying to quit... and consequently why it is so easy to return.

If discretion is a top priority, as it seems to be, perhaps you can find an online support group. The conclusion I came to is that your best shot at kicking an addiction is to find a source of comradery someplace else whether it's AA, a church or a bowling league makes little difference. Paramount to success is finding some group you share a common interest with and dedicating yourself to developing a place for you there. I regretfully report that I did have to give up on the source of motivation for my studies, and I was never an addict myself. For this reason; I can only hope this advice is useful... just something to take into consideration. I recommend you find and download a copy of "Love and Addiction" as it is the most intelligent, least judgmental paper I could find on the subject. I wish you the best of luck. I leave you with a catch phrase that may prove useful.

It is important to remember that any discomfort you are feeling is because you started, not because you quit. Be strong.

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I am terribly saddened by your post. And I can only confess I have suffered through times like yours(times of self-doubt). And I think that getting empathy(not sympathy) from this site can be comforting and constructive...Don't know what else to say...

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Just some thoughts...........
Have you ever been treated for bipolar disorder. People with this mood disorder can have huge (years) cycles. A large number of people in AA and NA have bipolar. One theory for the high recidivism rate is because they do not realize or seek help for the bipolar - they attribute the symptoms to their addiction.
Because they haven't treated the mood disorder - eventually they become frustrated - because they keep feeling the same way they did on and off the drugs/alcohol.
So they self medicate- what I think you are doing now.
There is no shame in having bipolar disorder- it is not so simply a chemical imbalance.
My husband has been in recovery (AA) for 15 years- longer than I have known him. I do feel like it is a cult but a cult that saved his life.
He has also been bipolar the whole time I have known him- and probably for most of his childhood and adult life. Just 6 months ago (we have been married for 5 years) did he agree to try Prozac. He can not accept that he has bipolar- I think he feels that it makes him weak. With the drinking it was something HE chose to do then HE fixed it. With this disorder - there is no fixing - only treating.
He is like you - he gets completely motivated to do a job - project - then starts it and he fizzles out. It was infuriating because he did this while remodeling our only bathroom- what could have took a week took 6 months and several divorce threats. That is also when he decided he would try the prozac & honestly I have seen an improvement.
I do think that some type of counseling would help - maybe sometime over the next 5 years I can get him to try that.

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anonymous:

I'm glad you had the courage to post, anonymously or otherwise.

Everyone who's posted so far has said so much of the right thing, that it's hard for me to think of anything to add, however (here we go, airing the family's laundry)

my mom was at one time in your position. she had children who were old enough to know what she was doing also. She got help, and now she's just FINE. I know that you will be too. I think the thing that matters most is that you WANT to do better - that's just awesome.

I don't know what your feelings on religion are, but I will pray for you regardless. My heart goes out to you, and please keep us abreast, if you will, of your progress, because I'm sure that this thread is going to be all about that.

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Anon,

There is really nothing I can add that these wonderful people haven't already said. But I can pray for you also.

While you are going through this....remember one thing. You are a special person, no matter what your plight is. It's very apparent that you desperately want to change your situation. That in itself is sometimes the hardest but most important step. And you have taken that.

God bless you. Big ((((HUG))))

~Brooke

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I don't know if you've ever sought help outside your family. That would be my first suggestion; an impartial person to just pour it all out to. You can't expect to be able to fix everything by yourself. If you are able, find a therapist and see him/her regularly. Simply being able to talk about things with somebody who you don't have to hide things from will do you a world of good. It's important to be brutally honest with your therapist. They can't give you real help if they don't see the "real you".
(I have known people who've lied to their therapist out of embarassment-not helpful)! Also, this person will be able to determine whether or not you might benefit from medication, and I suggest you take that advice if it's offered. Someone else said something about self-medication, which is what you have done before and don't want to do again. There is no shame in taking prescribed medication and it's definitely worth a shot.
Is there something from the past that comes up during these times when you start to slide? You don't have to describe it here, but often that is the case. I have found that one can work through and recover from early trauma, but that the trauma is not down and out, it's just taking a break. It can come back to haunt you during stressful times. Sometimes it's a lifelong battle to keep your head above water, but it is worth the struggle. Are you a single mom? There's a lot of stress there, a lot of self-doubt. I have my demons too, we all do, but you can't give in to them. It's you or them!
It's good that you recognize this issue and can act to try to prevent the re-occurence of behaviors and feelings that harm you and your children.
My mother always told me "life's not fair" and I thought she was wrong, or that it should be fair, but it isn't, and some people just have a harder row to hoe. When they succeed, in my opinion, those people are the fruit of the earth, because they've been places that others don't even know exist, and they conquered and they survived, and they do it again and again. You will do it again too.
But go find a therapist, because you don't have to do it alone.

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Hello Anonymous,
I have no magic words. They say knowing your problem is always the first step. Get help somewhere if you can. There are a lot of good people here and thats a start. They were there when I needed them.
If you ever need someone to talk to you can call me, anytime.
Bud
PM Sent

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Bud--
You really may want to erase that phone # immediately, and give it to her through PM.

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Thx

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Sweetie,

It's gonna be okay. Admitting that there's a problem is, as has been said above, the first step to taking action. You can do it. We're here to support you.

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anon, your secret identity is safe with all of us, because we really do care. I am with beebo on your story, you need to get assessed for bi-polar disorder, and depression as well. I also agree that there is no shame in accepting this....just be honest with the therapist/psychiatrist. Just to emphasize what beebo posted about attributing these emotional swings to an addiction, I know for a fact that the addiction is merely a magnifying glass placed over the real underlying problem. When the actual problem is solved, the need for the addiction will dissipate with time. If you have a program you are comfortable with, stick with it, but a good, reputable therapist would probably be better, even if you have to try a few to find someone you are comfortable with. Good luck, friend, we are here for you! :wink:

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anon beleive me you secret is safe with me I have no idea of your identity.

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Hi everyone!
Thank you so much for everone's support, you have no idea what it means to me. I've had a really rough day today, but I made it through. This recent downslide has lasted roughly five weeks straight, and I know the first few days here are going to be hard. I got up this morning and straightened up around the house, which is more than I've done in a long time, ran some errands. I put the kids down for a nap and got some much needed rest. I have kind of tried to hole myself up here in my room today when I could because I haven't been in the best of moods and found myself getting overly irritated at everything and didn't want to take it out on the kids. After reading everyone's posts here, I have made the decision to call around tomorrow to see what i can do about finding a therapist, only temporary.
I have a prescription for Prozac... my OB/GYN prescribed it, which I thought was wierd so I never really gave it a chance, I filled it the first time about a year ago and still have that same bottle. Another reason is because my uh.. "significant other" told me that it was a "chicken s*it" way of dealing with my problems and that if I'd get my "head out of my arse" then that is all the medication I needed. But I'd rather be a chicken s*it than a junkie, I'm sure. I just wanted to kind of let you know how things are going, and that my first day was rough, but drug free. I redid my cover letter and resume so that it's ready to send out. I was bummed out yesterday cuz I thought I had three REALLY good lines on jobs, but one decided not to add additional staff, and the other hired his sister in law or something. So it's back to square one there. I hate to try to go after jobs that I know I will not like and will not last, but the market here for good office personnel isn't all that great. I did get a job a couple weeks ago at a factory making toolboxes *ugh* I hated it. I was relieved to get fired for failing my drug screen. *half laugh*

Bud, I didn't get your pm... you don't have to send your phone number but it would be great to be able to communicate with someone on a more personal level.

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and prayers.... If nothing else, it is proof to those of us that think the world is pure evil, that there truely is purity out there.... somewhere.

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Aw, hugs, Anonymous.

I wonder if the Prozac being prescribed by your OB/GYN was because of postnatal depression? It would fit with a lot of what you are saying, and is quite common. Didn't your doc talk to you about it though? Weird.

It sounds like your quote unquote significant other has to get HIS head out of his nether regions. Hmph.

Good for you on seeking therapy, with that plus a prescription for Prozac plus the mirror-promise it sounds like you're well on your way.

Is S.O. (tempting to add "B") currently in the picture?

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A friend in need....

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