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Mon 2 Sep, 2013 05:44 pm
My husband is in europe visiting an ill family member, he left 2 weeks ago and he forgot a to sign out of his email account on our laptop. I wasn't even looking for anything, but when I saw that he had exchanged 12 emails in 4 days with a woman we work with I couldn’t help but look. She sends him photos of herself, they miss each other, she feels lost without him…I know her, she has been to our house, our kids have played together. She has been acting uncomfortable around me since my husband left . She does this nervous giggling anytime we're on the phone, and we talk often because of our business. She chooses to talk to other people in our office instead of talking to me, even though I'm technically the one she needs to report to. I've made some comments to my husband about her, and how she seems very uncomfortable, and he obviously figured I was suspicious because the next day I noticed he had deleted the emails he had exchanged with her, and when I searched her name in his emails, nothing came up. And then he remotely signed out of his account, so I no longer have access to it. He never said anything to me about his email, he's just acting as if all is normal. We've had our share of problems in the past. I believe he has cheated on me, I've found condoms in his pockets, messages on his phone and many unexplained absences. I never got any solid evidence and he always denied every accusation. He never admitted to anything. About 2 yrs ago, after seeing some very incriminating texts I gave him an ultimatum, he packed his bags, we didn't speak for weeks. Eventually, even with his denial, we worked things out. Since then, our relationship has gotten so good. He has become what I thought was a "dream husband": loving, considerate, helpful, affectionate, ideal father. I was so shocked when I saw those emails. I can't believe he is doing it again.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to confront him while he's away, but when?? And I don't want him to deny it again. I have this burning urge to talk to the other woman, to tell her I know. And see her reaction. I can't believe we have to work with her. What do I do? Tell her I know, then tell him she confessed this way he cant deny it? Her working with us benefits our business, but I still just want her gone from our lives and our business. I see her at meetings at work a few times a week, I don’t know how long I can stay composed and quiet….
@stillinlove82,
Okay, so if I understand correctly, you and your husband own the business together?
I think you need to think about what you want the end game to be.
- Do you want a divorce?
- Do you want full ownership of the business?
- Do you want this woman gone?
- Do you want to forgive and try again with your husband?
- Do you want him to change?
- Something else?
Not all of these possibilities are mutually exclusive, but you should think a bit about where you want to go. You may even need to consult with an employment attorney if #2 and/or #3 are your objectives.
@stillinlove82,
In addition to what Jespah said,
I'd ask yourself what this all says about your husband. He will obviously never stop having affairs, just as he knows how to treat you (if he desires to).
Why do you think he chose a woman that you work with? Surely he could have chosen a woman from anywhere?
If you know anything about men (or women) having affairs, they almost universally tell the 'other' that their marriage is unhappy, and 'my spouse did this/that wrong to me'....that is to say, were I you, a perverse part of me would be tempted to start talking to this woman (or within earshot) about all the nice ways he treats you, the wonderful experiences you have, and the thoughtful things you do for him...of course...as I mentioned...that's an odd way to do it...but it looks like you may not at this stage be seeking a direct confrontation.
@stillinlove82,
Suggest finding someone that know how to do at least simple computer forensics on his laptop and you might find that the girl at work is just the tip of the iceberg.
Oh and look at the books and the cash flowed to see if funds are flowing into strange places.
@jespah,
Yes, we are in a network marketing business together, and this woman is one of our recruits. We have a financial interest in her, if she does well and makes money, we do well and make money. As she's not an employee, I can't fire her. If only she would quit...
As for what I want, well I want her gone, I want to try and fix this (we have 2 kids, youngest is just 2 months old), and of course I want him to change . I thought he had - he has the been the kind of man that I have always dreamed of, he was never like that before, the transformation was slow and came from his desire to be better in all areas of his life. I was there for all the different self improvement books etc. I feel (felt?) like he has genuinely changed - I guess there is still lots of room for self-improvement and change.
@vikorr,
She is pretending to be my friend, I could tell her anything and it wouldn't be strange that I'm talking about it. I just don't know if I could talk about my husband without making comments about infidelity... From this I would gain the satisfaction of her knowing that we are both very loving to each other. And we really are, well were, I've been rather hostile since I read those emails, I'm sure he's wondering why.
The only problem that I have with the confrontation is that I don't want her to tell him. I want to confront her, have her keep her mouth shut, and then I want to confront him. Or maybe I should confront him first... And I will go absolutely nuts if either of them tries to deny it.
@stillinlove82,
I doubt he's truly wondering why - I daresay he's wondering :
- exactly how much you know; and
- what your overall reaction will be, based on what you know
The first question would be the most problematic for him (the answer to it gives perspective to any of the second, and the answer to it may allow him to manipulate your perspective). Basically the less he knows of what you know, the more uncomfortable he will be, until he believes he knows what you know.
As for a confrontation with her - any confrontation with her will likely end up in you 'confirming' (in her eyes) all the lies that he's been telling her.
Jespah previously asked - what is the end result that you want?...because everything you do here has a consequence / result / impact on other things in your life.
@vikorr,
As I already stated who know if this is the only other woman he is fooling around with at this time.
There is no real reason to assume that he is limiting himself to one other woman and the first thing that seems call for is to find out what the hell is going on with the lady so call husband.
With special note of how must of the family resources might be going into his hobby of cheating.
She does not have a problem with one other woman she have a problem with an unfaithful partner.
Even if he is only cheating with this one lady for the moment if she had not been around he would had likely found someone else to cheat with.
I agree with Bill that you should get a handle on the finances, both internal to the business and as a family. If he is misusing company funds then you have considerably bigger fish to fry. Plus if there are other women (and that is a very real possibility), then this is a non-snooping way to gather concrete evidence of that. After all, as a part-owner, you are entitled to look at the company books. And of course as one half of the marriage, you're entitled to look at the checking account.
But you will also need to figure out what you want to do if it is proven that personal and/or company funds are going to multiple mistresses, or even to the one (and I bet they are; affairs are rarely completely free, financially-speaking). Because consider what happens when he spends enough cash so as to eventually deny your children a college education, or he piddles away enough company funds that the business goes under. You are, in some ways, fortunate that this is not a heavily regulated business. If you were in the business of tax preparation, your finances would have to be a lot more open. You also don't have (or do you?) other partners/shareholders in the business. If there are other owners, and he is misusing company funds, it's lawsuit time.
So think about where you really want to go with this. I know it is not easy, but try to set your feelings aside, both positive and negative, and think objectively.
- You need to provide for your children.
- You need to provide for yourself.
- If there are other owners in the business, the books have to balance.
- There are large expenses in most people's lives - mortgages, college tuition for themselves or their children, orthodontia, school fees, auto loans, taxes, clothing, food, etc., you get the picture. Are any expenses being put off already? That would be a sign that the tipping point may have been attained. Mistresses don't care about what you and your husband owe to the bank. They don't have to care. But you do.
- What will your elderly years look like if your investments are being manhandled?
@jespah,
Quote:Because consider what happens when he spends enough cash so as to eventually deny your children a college education, or he piddles away enough company funds that the business goes under
Also if the fool get one of his mistress pregnancy that is not going to be helpful having hundreds of thousands of dollars going to child support during a period of 18 years that overlap when you need funds for your own kids college educations.
Of course then there is the chance that he will bring you home an STD also.
For yourself and your children welfare you do need to pin down just what the hell in happening and not to assume it just some one woman brief affair.
If that is a join laptop you have every right to turn it over to a computer expert to look at the treasure dove of information that all computers contain and you might even think t0 have that computer expert but a 50 to a hundred dollars key logger program on it.
@vikorr,
you are right, I hadn't thought about that - if I confront her it will confirm for her whatever he's been telling her. but there is a part of me that really doesn't want her to think she's getting away with this...
as for him, so you think he knows that I know... hmm.. i hadn't considered that. we spoke briefly yesterday and i couldn't help myself, i blurted something out about him investing a lot of attention on her considering she is not very committed to the business. i've been angry on the phone several times, but i've never explained why...
@BillRM,
Bill, I know where every cent goes, I have access to all books and accounts. Nothing is being misused.
And I'm pretty sure she's the only one. He's way too consumed by work, this is why it's a woman that we work with, he doesn't have time to spend with anyone else.
@BillRM,
It is a laptop we share. I wouldn't know the first thing about who to give it to, or what to tell them to do with it...
@jespah,
thanks for the replies everyone, i don't have anyone i can talk to about this, and discussing it with all of you is helping me be a bit more objective.
@stillinlove82,
Quote:I wouldn't know the first thing about who to give it to, or what to tell them to do with it...
Google search on the following key words [ computer forensics divorce {your city and state} ].
They will know what to look for and give you a detail report and you might consider having them put in a key logger as well.
@stillinlove82,
You are kidding, right?
Your husband cheats on you. And you employ his mistress. And you are worried about who knows what and when?
Lady - get a grip and your self esteem back and get rid of the TWO of them.
They both must think you are a fool.
@PUNKEY,
Many people find answering questions (re your partner cheating on you) from those they care about to be humiliating.
It's also odd telling someone to get their self esteem back in the same sentence that contains a tone that can easily be interpreted as condescending.
This woman is willing to walk on eggshells rather than call it as it is:
Her husband cheats.
He's cheating right now with a business associate.
The associate makes money for the company so a blind eye is turned.
She does not want to really confront her husband about the affair.
She wants to let the other woman know, but wants to withhold this from the husband.
She sacrifices her own feelings and actions for these other two people.
If that ain't co-dependency, then what is?
@PUNKEY,
Thanks so much for your answer - so helpful!
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