My son's coach is an asshole.

The drill-sergeant routine isn't a good method for coaching child athletes, either.

It ends up encouraging them to play when injured, and exacerbate the original injury.

Without getting any more specific than that, was it the wombat who said hi to me when I visited a few years ago? That would be so sad.

That particular wombat is perfectly fine, he's warming my feet as I type.

This guy isn't going to get it even if you talk to him. Even if you talk to
him very slowly. I believe you may have mentioned that he is an asshole.
He has what is technically called "invincible assholiness".

If Mo were my son, I'd tell him I'm OK with his finding a different team -- in
fact, I'd rather he did but it's his call. I'd also advise him to have as little
contact with his friend's dad as possible.

I know he's only 12, but couldn't Mo tell him it bothers him and ask him not to.

I think the others are right and that the coach is not going to stop.

I think if Mo wants to leave the team, that should be his decision, but unless the comments are really upsetting him, I'm not in favour of quitting.

I don't think you should interfere. I know our instinct is to intervene, but given what you've said about the coach, I don't think it would help.

I also wonder how long this will continue and if Mo shouldn't just stick it out. Leaving the team for another one will raise questions, won't it? What will his Friend think of that? Wouldn't that make it worse for Mo if and when he's ever over at Friend's house again?

And what if that coach is an asshole, too? Can't be signing up for all kinds of teams because people are assholes. I would encourage him to ignore the comments, shrug, and concentrate on the game.

I wasn't endorsing the method. It's possible to use a bad method and use it badly. If it wasn't, the job market for Windows programmers would be far smaller. But I digress.

I do worry about making things worse. It could go from "wombat" to "Mo's mommy blahblahblah".

I was really thinking of just saying something more like "Mo is thinking of leaving the team. Here's why: blahblahblah."

It IS very passive aggressive.

Frankly, I'm surprised at all the "better get used to it" replies here. Why should anyone ever get used to bad treatment? Isn't accepting it almost the same as thinking you deserve it?

Is it because he's a boy that people think he should just accept bad treatment from people? "Man up". Is that it?

The way I look at it is that Mo is on the fast track to having no respect for this person -- as a coach or as the father of his friend.

And he shouldn't respect someone who treats people like that.

If it was simple drill sergeant behavior I don't think we'd have this problem. Mo has had enough coaches to know when someone has crossed the line. He has never had this kind of problem with a coach. Even when he's had terrible coaches he hasn't considered quitting the team.

This time, it's personal.

Mo shouldn't get used to it, and yes, accepting it is preparing the ground for thinking he deserves it, which he doesn't. When grownups do things to kids that they don't deserve, it's right for the kids' parents to stand up for them. That's why parents are guardians --- they're supposed to guard humans who can't always fend for themselves. What you are close to doing is the right thing.

No more Mrs Nice Mom.

That's pretty much how I feel about it.

If he was just being hard on my kid related to his performance I'd stay completely out of it but this has an element of cruelty that I haven't seen before.

If he leaves the team and joins another it will absolutely cause problems between the friends.

Mo would have to weigh his love for the game against his friendship.

I don't know about ignoring it. A lot of damage has already been done.

Thank you.

I understand the need for being hands off on many areas of child raising but there does come a point when intervention is necessary.

I'm hands off for most things, acting solely as an adviser but I think there are times where parents need to intercede.

Just got through the entire thread. My thoughts are:
- If Mo were self confident enough to stand up for himself that would be great but I think that would be an exceptional 12 year old to do that to an adult authority figure.
- The coach/friend is way out of line.
- Sometimes you have to intervene for your child in dealing with authority figures.
- Your husband is under-performing here. Your child trumps those other factors.
- Pulling Mo without addressing the issue will look worse than attempting to work it out first.

My optimum approach would be for your husband to approach his friend and say "I hear you've been picking on Mo about Sparky's death. That is way out of line." No more than that. If coach says "I was just kidding" the response is "Well, that is out of line here." In guy speak, that's a pretty clear statement and allows the coach to say "sorry, won't happen again" without incident. If you say the same, there will probably be some sort of strain on the relationship going forward but it will be between the adults and the kids should be fine. If your husband won't say anything, then by all means you should.

Just to make sure we have the relationships straight: Isn't the friendship between the sons rather than the dads?

I've noticed that particular pattern a lot in folks here.

George, Engineer & Thomas have nailed it. Dealing honestly and face to face, with no anger and allowing the guy as many outs as possible so he can save face and leave this situation and continue on as a coach may well work. If it doesn't you shouldn't feel at all bad. As you said,"Why should anyone ever get used to bad treatment?"

Thomas is right -- the friendship is between the kids. We know the dad/coach and are friendly with him but not friends. We do love his kid though. He's a good kid.

I agree that it would be best coming from Mr. B instead of me. I'm really much better at confrontation though, I'm much more diplomatic.

Mo's usually pretty good at standing up for himself but when he needs help he asks for it. He's asked for help in this case. We have a day out planned today so it should be a good opportunity to talk about it.

play blonde with " I am sure you are trying to do what is best for the team but would you explain how bringing up my kids dead pet helps please"...unless he has a great answer kindly ask him to stop. your anger is not worth ruining these relationships over something this trivial. the people who say that you need to stop publicly mothering Mo, the you need to let him run his own life mostly, are correct.

I think there is too much focus on this man's behavior as a coach. I think the bigger problem is that he's Mo's best friend's father. And Friend is already involved in the middle of it. Friend apparently told his father about Mo's pet loss, and Friend is witnessing the effect of his dad using (or abusing) this information, since he saw Mo get upset and leave their house last weekend. When Friend's dad acts in a way to cause his son's best friend to walk out of the house, he's creating a problem for his own son as well. That's why I wouldn't leave Friend out of the picture in dealing with what is going on.

I agree with you that preserving the friendship is paramount. A best friend is not easily replaced, and this sort of situation could put a strain on the relationship between Mo and Friend. Which is why it's important that Mo talk about it with Friend before it becomes a situation between parents.
Friend may be able to give Mo a better idea of what's going on with his dad, and how to handle it. Beside advice, he may give Mo emotional support, and some help in not letting his father's behavior get Mo so upset. Or both of them could sit down with Friend's dad and ask him to knock it off because he's creating problems for both of them.

I wouldn't call this man an asshole, I think what he's doing with Mo is somewhat sadistic. Deliberately trying to hit a kid's buttons with something like pet loss is cruel, and you have to wonder why he's doing it, and whether he's doing the same sort of thing with his own son. Whatever turmoil went on in that family over the past year may have left this man angry or edgy and he's discharging it in inappropriate ways, and Mo, through no fault of his own, may just trigger something in this guy. He's still responsible for behaving in a needlessly hurtful way to a child, and he's responsible for getting himself under better control. And someone does have to let him know that.

I don't disagree with your wanting to intervene in this situation. But I think it's important that Mo talk with Friend, and share his feelings with him, before you get involved. Two 12 year olds may be able to resolve this situation, or, at the very least, help each other to blunt the impact this man might have on their friendship.

Mo can also ask Friend whether he should leave the team if Friend's dad doesn't knock it off, so that, if he does decide to leave the team, his Friend will understand and, hopefully, it won't affect the friendship. Or Friend might be able to help Mo to get things worked out, or help to neutralize the effect of his father's behavior, so Mo can remain on the team. But Mo should discuss the options with Friend because he's in the best position to understand what Mo is going through. That's what friends are for.

So, my suggestion would be to hold off on intervening for a little while, long enough for the two boys to talk this over with each other, to see if they can come up with some way of handling this situation. Certainly, if they decide to both sit down with Friend's father, and ask him to stop what he's doing, because it's upsetting both of them, Mo would have an ally in sticking up for himself. If the man then stops what he's been doing, that would be wonderful. If he doesn't, then it's time for momma to get involved.

I knew that you'd be saying something along the lines of a "we weren't coddled like this when we were kids" bullshit, Hawk. Kids need parents help to learn how to effectively handle these situations. Kids need help from thinking parents, emphasis on 'thinking'.

Mothering is what mothers do. Just as fathering is what fathers should do.