Is it appropriate to tell someone to say "thank you"?

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Recently my sister has been telling me to say thank you to her anytime she did something for me.

We do a lot of things for each other.

I have never requested her to say any thank you's as I felt seeing her happy enough. Plus I would feel like I gave grudgingly if I had to request a thank you. Needless to say, I felt demeaned and treated like a child. It was a bit angering.

Just when is it appropriate to tell someone to say "Thank you" after giving?

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 5,772 • Replies: 34

[+4] - Ragman - 07/14/2013Do I think it is appropriate? I would answer yes but not every single time. Do I think it is mandatory? I would answer no. If someone demands it or insists, I would be a bit upset, too....

@Bluefairy00,

Do I think it is appropriate?
I would answer yes but not every single time.
Do I think it is mandatory?
I would answer no.

If someone demands it or insists, I would be a bit upset, too. This seems a bit too controlling or parental.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Well, I would have to temper your answer with asking the OP what his/her age is, and what the sisters age is.

Perhaps the sister is trying to educate a younger person in the art/skill/etiquette of expressing a simple "thanks" when someone does something nice for someone else.

I would ask the OP what problem they have with expressing a single word, "thanks" when anyone, not just their sister, does something of service for them.

i.e. when someone holds a door open for me, I wouldn't think of not saying "thanks" to them, rather than just walk through. In return though, I would (and do) find it rude, immature and selfish when someone doesn't even acknowledge someone elses actions.

In a nutshell, saying thanks is simply acknowleding that there are other people in the world besides you, and someone else just made your way in this world a little easier, and more pleasant.

Why wouldn't you want to thank them for that?

2 Replies

@chai2,

Quote:

Well, I would have to temper your answer with asking the OP what his/her age is, and what the sisters age is.

Chai one mustn't broach matters of that sort; on a2k it's considered nosy at best and intrusive at worst

http://able2know.org/topic/218004-1

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@dalehileman,

Thank you for letting me know.

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@chai2,

Anyway....

could also be that the sister is attempting to prepare the OP (or remind him) that when you're in public, you say "please" and "thank you" to complete strangers when asking them for something, and upon getting it.

If you can't seem to find it within yourself to follow these very basic forms of communication with family, loved ones, and friends, how in the world will you find it in yourself to express that when out in the world?

It takes no effort at all to say thanks, or please.....and it means a lot to others. If the OP is indeed grateful for the sister doing something nice, even passing the salt or responding what the time is when asked, thanks is just acknowledging the act.

Maybe the sister is going about it in an annoying, or even a wrong headed way, but the idea is a good one. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

1 Reply

@chai2,

oooo.....

I know a way to say thanks, and get your sister off your back at the same time.

Do what the Brits do, and say "ta" or "cheers"

and if she gets pissed, just call her a cheeky monkey.

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@chai2,

Quote:

Thank you for letting me know.

Not at all Chai; though frankly I was only being a bit facetious. Some of us feel we can better respond when we know more about the poster

1 Reply

@dalehileman,

and I was only being sarcastic.

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@chai2,

My sister is not older than me. She is not my mother and she is not my mentor, by far, ..not my mentor at all. It's really more the other way around.

I think everyone is reading into this more than there is.

We both do things for each... as I have said

She rarely thanks me, but I have not even thought much about it. I suppose she takes me for granted. I think she knows it enough, and she has apologized.

What annoyed me is her need to ask for "thank you's" when I hardly got any of it from her and didnt expect.

I guess my point is that asking someone to say thank you for every little action is not like giving at all, at least that's how it appears to me. I prefer the person had not given at all if the case may be because really I dont need favors or people giving to me with a grudge. It's really too burdensome.

I feel that she learned this sort of behavior from her friends but really the action is somehow displaced.

3 Replies

@dalehileman,

dalehileman wrote:

Chai one mustn't broach matters of that sort; on a2k it's considered nosy at best and intrusive at worst

Surely the age of a poster and whether they are a child, teenager, or a young/middle aged/elderly adult is often relevant to issues like manners and behaviour? I suspect quite a lot of the more idiotic trollish posters are 13 year old boys.

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@Bluefairy00,

Bluefairy00 wrote:

What annoyed me is her need to ask for "thank you's" when I hardly got any of it from her and didnt expect.

You really need to tell her this.

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To the OP:

I think anything one does for someone deserves a thanks, even if it's made casually. And yes, I think you should thank her for whatever she's done for you - it lets her know it's appreciated. It's not a big deal - one, maybe two words, but it obviously means a lot to her. And here's a tip - if you said 'Thank you' on your own, she wouldn't have to remind you. Two words and you're home-free.

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@Bluefairy00,

If your sister desires thanks, what is wrong with saying thank you?

If you desire thanks - make a bargain with each other that you will both show appreciation for thoughtfulness.

If you don't desire thanks - that's okay, every person is different...and because every person is different, and if she does desire acknowledgement or appreciation for her thoughtfulness - then it's polite and caring to show appreciation.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

I probably have said thank you. I noticed the other day I was even saying thank you to the waitress at the restaurant but my sister never did. So why in the world would I not have done something simple like that when I'm doing it with the waitress.

This whole incident came about when we were planning a trip to Catelina. I had made reservations for the fairy boat and zip line event and went through the whole trouble of reapplying 3 times for her when she lost the confirmation number 3 times. She ended up changing out the schedule of the trip so she could have a potential interest come too. She felt she planned out the whole trip and she wanted me to thank her, until I brought it to her attention I was the one that booked it for us and she decided to change the schedule at the last minute. I really never asked her to thank me. It's just so ridiculous.

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@Bluefairy00,

As I wrote before...this is purely your option to say thank you. She seems to want to strive to be in control. You got the right idea.

This is a case of sibling rivalry - more so on her part. She needs to a grip on reality.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Thanks Ragman. You are right. She does like control.

I think it's really odd that none of her friends like me... they dont even know me.

I even took photos of her and her friend for match.com. I'm not the greatest photographer but I knew how to catch them in an attractive light with my point and shoot. I never did ask for thank you's from either one of them and dont even expect it... However this lack of respect for me when her friends dont even know me is really really suspicious.

1 Reply

@Bluefairy00,

It's about control for her. Also it seems that she's somehow needs to put you down to her friends, perhaps.

I know it's not a big consolation but if you could fast fwd in a few (maybe as much as 5 yr), you'll be close again. She needs to come to grips with something in her self esteem that she's not matured through yet.

1 Reply

@Bluefairy00,

Bluefairy00 wrote:

My sister is not older than me. She is not my mother and she is not my mentor, by far, ..not my mentor at all. It's really more the other way around.

I think everyone is reading into this more than there is.

We both do things for each... as I have said

She rarely thanks me, but I have not even thought much about it. I suppose she takes me for granted. I think she knows it enough, and she has apologized.

What annoyed me is her need to ask for "thank you's" when I hardly got any of it from her and didnt expect.

I guess my point is that asking someone to say thank you for every little action is not like giving at all, at least that's how it appears to me. I prefer the person had not given at all if the case may be because really I dont need favors or people giving to me with a grudge. It's really too burdensome.

I feel that she learned this sort of behavior from her friends but really the action is somehow displaced.

That's probably why I said in a past post Maybe the sister is going about it in an annoying, or even a wrong headed way, but the idea is a good one. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

By all means, if saying the word "thanks" is too burdesome for you, by all means feel free to come across as an ill mannered person.

What does it matter where she "gets" this from, or even if you feel she deserves thanks or not?

Why not be the better person in this situation and just say thanks to her, and everyone else you have the opportunity to say thanks and please to, and spread a little good will.

You've already made up your mind she doesn't deserve to hear thank you from you, so I'm not clear on what or why you're asking.

If the fact that saying please and thank you is polite, and can sweeten a lot of situations, even if you don't feel like saying it means little to you, well, I guess that's that.

0 Replies

@Ragman,

Ragman wrote:

It's about control for her.

It also seems to be about control for the OP also.

Otherwise, saying it wouldn't be such a big deal.

In fact, withholding something seems even more controlling that asking for something.

1 Reply

Is it appropriate to tell someone to say "thank you"?

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