Is it appropriate to tell someone to say "thank you"?

@chai2,

I interpret this differently. By his title the OP asks what is appropriate. However, she presumes to tell him how he should act (say thank you all the time). Where in his behavior has he shown that he's trying to control her?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

First, I don't see it as inappropriate. She's not a stranger. She's making her needs known.

He's not trying to control her per se, but there is a control element in that he's pretty tight with the giving out of expressions of thanks.

Why not say it every time? Does no harm, and takes no effort, and will make another person happy. Heh, maybe there is some control issue with that. Withholding of a simple word that could make someone happy.

0 Replies

@Bluefairy00,

Quote:

This whole incident came about when we were planning a trip to Catelina. I had made reservations for the fairy boat and zip line event and went through the whole trouble of reapplying 3 times for her when she lost the confirmation number 3 times. She ended up changing out the schedule of the trip so she could have a potential interest come too. She felt she planned out the whole trip and she wanted me to thank her, until I brought it to her attention I was the one that booked it for us and she decided to change the schedule at the last minute. I really never asked her to thank me. It's just so ridiculous.

Have you thought about doing it this way then :

Her "thank me for organising the trip"

You "Thank you for organising X & Y & Z of the trip. (smile) Now, thank me for organising A & B & C of the trip."

The principle of that - If you think something is out of whack / uneven - bring it back onto an even keel...

...just keep in mind that your eventual goal is sanity.

2 Replies

@vikorr,

chai2 & vikorr,

I dont think you read my responses to yours. I did say it's highly unlikely that I would not have said "thank you". I noticed myself saying thank you to a waitress at a restaurant and I realized it's second nature for me to do its. I did notice my sister never does say thank you but... I dont feel that it was necessary for her to do so.

I also have no good reason to control my sister. She is not older than me and she is not my mother and I do not need disciplining by her.

She does have control issues... For some reason she is proud of her controlling nature and I dont know why. Perhaps she likes the idea of power even if the behavior is considered a negative characteristic. Perhaps she had seen in her own life how being a pushover is look down upon more than being the bully.

I also would like to add it is angering to have her try to control me. Her controlling behavior would be angering to anyone and for me to deny it would not be honest.

3 Replies

@Bluefairy00,

Bluefairy00 wrote:

Plus I would feel like I gave grudgingly if I had to request a thank you.

I have had to request a thank you in the past. It did not make me feel like I gave "grudgingly." It made me feel like I might have given/done something for an ingrate. However, when I have ruminated on many of the people I have done things for, I have realized that many, at least in relation to me, were not really sincere in their gratitude (aka, "thank-you"), since the "thank-you's" were said with a bit of perfunctoriness, in my opinion.

A truly sincere thank-you might be hard to come by. Sort of like the perfunctory "sorry" when someone bumps into you (by accident). So little sincerity in society today, in my opinion. That might be the better lament?

0 Replies

@vikorr,

I agree with that, vikorr.

I also agree with saying thanks most of the time to most people when they do something they don't have to, to help you. Reasonable and easy.

There can be complications to all that. I'm aware of myself getting pissy about people who seem to generally live life as helpers of all, because their behavior is a way for them to be virtuous, or they see that as a role in life; usually that is not someone's main motive (self wonderfulness, for whatever reason), so that doesn't usually come up, but it can. Usually people just mean to help a situation, period.

In the case of siblings, I can see things getting sticky: I've no experience with siblings. I did have a cousin resent me strongly as a child and teen; then not resent me for years, genuine friends; then resent me again; so I slightly understand. Her sister had it worse. But - there are two or three sides to most stories.

Adds, I once got seasick on that boat to Catalina. It had lost an engine and the ocean was choppy that day. But that ended up being an oddly good memory, as I like Catalina.

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@Bluefairy00,

I just read your latest post.
I can see your point of view, re being tried to be controlled by your sister. This can get into action and reaction, and her controlling may be (in part) trying not to be bossed by you (whether or not you actually boss her ever). And that in turn may have ended up with her snipping about you (a very human trait) to her pals.

Hard to guess if you two could have a good talk or not, that might help, one way or another, or might just make both of you more irritated.
Good luck.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I have no reason to boss her around. She likes to boss me around in her own by telling me to dress better when we go out, but I care very little if she does this. It's a hassle sometimes but it's no big deal.

I get the suspicion she downplays my strengths to her friends and make me the competition.

There's only so much I can take.

I really do not like this attitude of needing to ask for thank you's . I never do it and I'm sure to get a lot of resentments. I can understand if I had to say it to my own child but not to my peers, siblings or not. I find it ridiculous and obnoxious.

0 Replies

@Bluefairy00,

Hi Blue,

I did read your post. My post was one suggestion how you could rectify the matter.

It's not about payback, but about showing her the problem in a way she'll understand - with the hope/goal that she'll modify her behaviour.

If that doesn't work, then I would also suggest you speaking your mind, respectfully, to her. Know what your issues are with the situation to start with, even while understanding both sides, and don't budge from your issues - you're allowed to be who you are.

0 Replies

@Bluefairy00,

Bluefairy00 wrote:

I dont think you read my responses to yours. I did say it's highly unlikely that I would not have said "thank you". I noticed myself saying thank you to a waitress at a restaurant and I realized it's second nature for me to do its. I did notice my sister never does say thank you but... I dont feel that it was necessary for her to do so.

I also have no good reason to control my sister. She is not older than me and she is not my mother and I do not need disciplining by her.

She does have control issues... For some reason she is proud of her controlling nature and I dont know why. Perhaps she likes the idea of power even if the behavior is considered a negative characteristic. Perhaps she had seen in her own life how being a pushover is look down upon more than being the bully.

I also would like to add it is angering to have her try to control me. Her controlling behavior would be angering to anyone and for me to deny it would not be honest.

I think you just don't like her much, and are using any petty excuse to stir the pot.

What? Are you keeping score of who say thanks to whom?

Well, I said thanks to a waitress and she didn't. Nany nany boo boo.

Just be a decent person and say thank you to others.

1 Reply

@chai2,

I havent kept score. I only recently noticed this when she brought it to my attention as she insisted on "thank you's"

0 Replies

Kind of reminds me of something, so I'll post.

So my boyfriend likes to praise me from time to time. And I don't always thank him for his kind words.

He's reprimanded me for this, albeit sardonically and not without good humor, on a couple of occasions.

He, on the other hand, is very thankful when I say something nice about him.

I didn't make much of it earlier on, but I now realize I don't say thank you much in my other relationships -- especially immediate family -- too.

Maybe I should. After all, the ones that are closest to us deserve our thank you's most too.

Just my two rupees.

1 Reply

@spidergal,

Always good to see you, spidergal.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

Wanted to "like" your post, and then realised I'm on A2K, not Facebook.

Sometimes miss the old times.

1 Reply

@spidergal,

Gave you a thumb up..

0 Replies

Is it appropriate to tell someone to say "thank you"?

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