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I like a girl my bestfriend used to have a thing with.

 
 
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 01:55 am
So I've been talking to a girl recently, and her and I have really been hitting it off well and I like her, But awhile ago i had found out that my best friend and her have had a thing (No sex or anything like that), but they used to like each other and talk and flirt. He hasn't been in many relationships and treats his "things" as if they were relationships. When I first started talking to her i didn't know about them, but after I found out I still kept talking to her and I like her. Before I take anything to the next step by telling her I like her or become more than friends, I want to know what your opinion of my situation is and if I shouldn't go further with her because she had a thing with my best friend. Would that be wrong knowing they had a thing? Or it shouldn't be a big deal or what?
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 06:10 am
@Adrianhernandez,
He doesn't get to dictate the world, particularly when the "thing" he had with this woman is so tiny and mild. After all, that would mean that almost anyone he said more than three words to would be off-limits to you and perhaps anyone who's even close to being friends with him. Imagine -

* the girl who shampoos your hair when you get your hair cut, if she does that to him, too
* any of your female classmates back to pre-K
* anyone he has worked with, however briefly
* any of his neighbors
* a barmaid wherever you've gone together

etc. etc. etc.

He has zero claims here. Don't feel guilty about this one whit.

Go and have fun.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 07:12 am
@Adrianhernandez,
You say she "HAD" a thing with your best friend. That means it's in the past.

You may drop him a hint that you are going in for a real relationship with this gal - more than his "thing" he had with her.

Then --- Go for it.
0 Replies
 
joefromchicago
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 09:53 am
Ironclad rule: if you're about to start a relationship with a friend's ex, you have to clear it with your friend first. If the friend is fine with it, then go ahead. If not, then you have to decide what's more important: your friend or his ex. And nine times out of ten, it'll be your friend.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 03:38 pm
@joefromchicago,
How much does the your best friend's friendship mean to you? How much do you mean to you? How much does this girl mean to you?

Our opinion is quite frankly, irrelevant. There's really only two opinions that matter for the question you asked - your best friend's, and yours.

What you do shows what you think, what's important to you, and who you are.

He'll see that, you'll see that, and she'll see that.

joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 07:35 pm
@vikorr,
What the hell are you talking about?
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 07:45 pm
@joefromchicago,
If his best friend is going to be pissed of with him, and he goes and sleeps with this girl - what is going to happen between him and his best friend - will they still be best friends?

To say 'your best friend didn't have a relationship and has no claim to the girl' is both true, and misses the point (the poster is worried about his friendship with his best friend, or he wouldn't have posted)

As we certainly don't have enough information to work out what is the best path through this - any advice is fraught with danger....that leaves questions.

The questions should be obvious :
- how will your friend react
- what is important to you
- how will you choose to resolve this

Most people will just do...and what they do shows the middle question rather clearly.
dlowan
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 09:32 pm
@joefromchicago,
joefromchicago wrote:

Ironclad rule: if you're about to start a relationship with a friend's ex, you have to clear it with your friend first. If the friend is fine with it, then go ahead. If not, then you have to decide what's more important: your friend or his ex. And nine times out of ten, it'll be your friend.


Sad, wrong, but frequently true.

I think your friend's "thing" is on the very low end of "things that mean you better not go there" but I would discuss it with him first. Then you'll have to decide, if he would be hurt by it. He probably needs to get over the seeing someone a few times means it was a "thing" though.

ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 10:09 pm
@dlowan,
<agreeing with dlowan>

There was no purchase date happening, my view.

Feelings matter, if the guy #1 has told guy #2 about it and moaned at some length, they could talk about it, probably to no avail, but #2 has to figure out his interest and in any case doesn't need permission. If it's the love of his life or that year, I don't see the problem. If it's one more romp, I do see the problem, re the friend.

You have to avoid anyone a friend had a crush on?

What is this, a new Boys' Rules book?
0 Replies
 
joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 11:07 pm
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:

If his best friend is going to be pissed of with him, and he goes and sleeps with this girl - what is going to happen between him and his best friend - will they still be best friends?

Isn't that what I said?

vikorr wrote:
To say 'your best friend didn't have a relationship and has no claim to the girl' is both true, and misses the point

I never said that.

vikorr wrote:
The questions should be obvious :
- how will your friend react
- what is important to you
- how will you choose to resolve this

THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!!
joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 11:09 pm
@dlowan,
dlowan wrote:
Sad, wrong, but frequently true.

You say my advice is sad and wrong and then pretty much repeat my advice. So what the hell is sad and wrong with you?
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 11:13 pm
@joefromchicago,
Man you're grumpy. I don't mean your advice is wrong.....I mean it's kind of sad and wrong that we tend to have these feelings about someone we have fancied. In an ideal world we'd be happy to see people we like/liked be happy with each other, but the real life feelings tend to,be far less altruistic.

No need to be so testy.
joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Jun, 2013 11:23 pm
@dlowan,
Rules aren't designed for ideal worlds. People sometimes have feelings for their exes. Maybe that shouldn't happen, but it happens. There's also a rule that we should respect each other's feelings, no matter how irrational those feelings might seem to us. So my buddy would feel weird if I dated his ex - I gotta' respect that. I may not like it, but if I value his friendship more than I value a relationship with his ex, then I break off the relationship.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jun, 2013 01:01 am
@joefromchicago,
Hi Joe,

I think there's a misunderstanding. My first post has your name on it because you were the last poster - not because I was replying to you specifically.
roger
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jun, 2013 01:04 am
@vikorr,
No, it has his name on you post because you clicked the "Reply" button at the top of his post. If you're replying to the world at large, go further down and pick "Reply All" or something like that. You can reply directly to any particular post the same way.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jun, 2013 04:22 am
@roger,
That's what I meant. He was the last poster and I clicked the reply on the last posters post. I didn't think the rest needed to be said.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 18 Jun, 2013 05:34 am
@Adrianhernandez,
Adrianhernandez wrote:

...they used to like each other and talk and flirt. He hasn't been in many relationships and treats his "things" as if they were relationships. ...


This isn't an ex. This is barely above minimal contact. By this same logic, when the fishmonger gave me discounts on tuna two years ago because I was nice to him and saw him every week, does that mean we were having an affair?
joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jun, 2013 06:04 am
@jespah,
jespah wrote:
This isn't an ex.

Well, that's certainly Adrian's interpretation and it's your interpretation, but it might not be the friend's interpretation. If Adrian knows that his friend considers her an ex, then he needs to inform his friend if he values that friendship.
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 18 Jun, 2013 06:10 am
@joefromchicago,
Understood, and I don't dispute the perception. But at some point, it gets a bit silly - and it also can be like calling dibs on someone. This is a person, not a spot in a line.
0 Replies
 
joefromchicago
 
  1  
Reply Tue 18 Jun, 2013 08:42 am
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:

Hi Joe,

I think there's a misunderstanding. My first post has your name on it because you were the last poster - not because I was replying to you specifically.

Stop doing that.
 

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