Confused about whom to choose caring and loving husband or lover?

My, this is a pickle, eh?

Let me see if I've got this straight. Your husband has been kind, loving and supportive, but he doesn't light your fire. You have lied to him and betrayed him for a year and have been physically intimate with someone else. Now you've finally at least told him and have been pushing for a divorce. Your husband is hurt, and suddenly you feel bad. Plus your family (I assume both families) are angry and your own family has disowned you.

And this lover who, I dunno, didn't pay for your education or support you in your life, but has happily been there to fulfill your sexual needs is the one you want to marry. Not the one who paid the bills. Not the one who provided a roof over your head. Not the one who insisted that you complete your education (a lot of women in arranged marriages, as you know, can find themselves in a subjugated situation; that wasn't the case here, and a lot of that can be laid at the feet of your husband and his forward thinking). And your husband did all of those good things, so now you are rewarding him for his kindness and generosity by leaving him.

Hey, go for it. Leave your husband. You didn't think about him at all during the year you were screwing someone else, so why are you considering his feelings now, all of a sudden?

I do hope your husband gets counseling and some help, so that he can wake up and realize what kind of a harpy he married. I do hope you don't get a dime - and then it'll be interesting to see what life is like with your lover, who has a history of being a party to cheating.

Go for it.

Your husband deserves better.

Apologize to your husband.

I do think it is good you have moved out. Your husband deserves much better than you.

Live on your own for at least 3 - 5 years.

Stay away from your husband. Do not move in with your lover. You need to learn how to be a grown-up on your own.

Oh - and don't forget to repay your husband for your education and support over the past 7 years.

If he doesn't want the money, put it into an account that will go toward his future children or any nieces or nephews he has/may have.

These arranged marriages TRAP people. Your feelings were never considered in the entire thing. However, it seems you hit the jackpot with this one - he was devoted and supportive and loved you . But your commitment did not evolve into love. I wonder why.

Anyway . . . I agree with the above post. You need to separate from your husband BUT not jump into the arms of your lover.

You have a lot of growing up to do. You must be responsible for your actions. Right now, you are acting out sexually and are willing to throw everything away for it.

Live alone for a while and then re-think things.

I don’t support you at all. If you are living with a person who is your man then you should forget about any other else. It is cheating have you thought if he had done all this with you. You were died on the spot. Now you should go back to him, beg him and live with him. You cannot leave somebody where there is only your fault.

Well Johnathan, let me just lump you with a strange girl - she may be ugly, she may be fat, she may be nasty, she may hate your guts, or you might be beautiful and loving - you won't know, and you won't get a choice. Then because you are obviously a man of principle - no matter what kind of woman she is - you will have to stay with her for the rest of your life and never look at another woman.

Our OP obviously has some growing up to do. Did she get a choice to enter in a marriage after she was grown, or was she forced into a marriage before she had grown up enough?

Certainly her husband, who she describes as a fine man, deserves better than what he's received. That said, the western ideal is to marry someone you love - any everyone here is criticising her for being forced into a marriage with a person she hasn't been able to love, and the way she has handled it when she found love.
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My major advice is, take your time to find yourself.

My minor advice is - you don't actually know how your lover and you get along as a couple - affairs don't involve the more difficult stuff - paying bills / finances, stressful days that turn into stressful weeks, personal habits the clash, preference in the way things are done (especially regarding cleanliness - eg putting the bin our, cleaning the house, putting the dunny lid down etc). Often if one person is left with too much of the work, energy levels don't encourage intimacy, and then the tension rises over time....

Hi You are right. I do need to grow up as a women and it will be a tough task coz so far my husband has been treating me like a princess and I have to get used to this new situation but again i myself am confused...
When i was moving out seeing my husband cry made me cringe.. i wish i could go back in time and done this in a dignified manner but i guess now its too late... question is again my husband says i can go back to him only if i think i can be happy with him, I am living a decent life except the love part. so is being in love worth my family and the guilt i will be carrying the rest of my life? My husband is kind of a person who would never marry again he says it will be unfair to the women he marries coz he loves me. I hope he can find someone he deserves and be happy but am not sure....So again i am confused if i have to go back to him or stay alone and see if the OM is worth it?

Don't worry about the man you've had an affair with.

Get your own life in order. Show respect for yourself and for your husband.

I actually think that might be fairest thing for your husband. Let him know you need to grow up on your own - without him and without your lover to complicate things. Once you've got a clear head, you'll be a better partner for somebody.

Well, my cultural background is mixed - so I don't judge different cultural norms quite the same way as many. My thoughts are that only you can decide this - only you can decide if you can be happy, or not.

As an observation thought - it seems you need and want, to be able to love someone (this is from very little information, so don't take it as gospel).

A question for you - that you dont' have to answer here. If you went back to your husband, would you eventually need to be able to feel love for someone again? In other words, if you went back - do you think your deep down need to love would drive you to another affair? Especially if someone pursued you? If you answer yes to these - I would seriously consider not going back to your husband.

And it's normal to feel guilty about hurting good people. I doubt anyone has ever not felt guilty about such. That would be why you should only go back if you are absolutely certain...and from what you've said - you are very far from certain.

Thing is I have been faithful until 6 years of our marriage and was crying inside about not having love in the relationship. Now if I go back I will definitely be craving to love someone but have to suppress myself just for my parents and my husband's happiness...

Err...that's just rubbish. Why is your happiness less important than theirs?

I dont know what situation you've brought yourselves into -
1. First thing if I were in your husbands place kick the butt out of your lovers ass in such a way that he is no where to be seen again. Not anywhere closer to you or your family, for having trapping you in the so called 'affair' and making you cheat your husband.

Radhika, what a lovely husband have you got. Any woman would be jealous of you, certainly. Knowingly, you are committing sin and the results of this you will certainly yield in future if not now.

Your husband is so good and so madly in love with you that he is tolerating your 'adultery'. Leave that bad man you assume to be in love with.

You are disowned by your family, now you are leaving your husband for other man and what else you will do?? Just because the life looks like Eastman color on the otherside you will jump out of such a long stable relationship?

Coming to softer side -

1.There are chances that once you leave your husband and go to your love, in no time, the new person may start treating you like a 'crap/used' thing. I am damn sure about this, as I have personally seen those things with other women. It is just a matter of time, you will realize this.

2. When your love can easily cheat on you, who is married it means he has least ethics in his life. He will certainly cheat on you in future and go after some other beautiful married woman [If not now, sometime in future].

3. People who cheat has no ethics, they run and grab the things their heart desires and he is certainly doing it with you. He will desert you in no time [forget his promises, SMSs, messages that he is sending you now].

You husband is sooo good, that he is tolerating you....you will never get such one. Sit with him and talk to him about the 'lack of love' you are facing and what changes can be done to overcome this. Solve your problem with him. Do not run after someone just because you're getting it there.

Even a female dog [bitch] runs after male dogs for a **** n love because it likes it.

Ain't there any difference between a dog [bitch] and a human !!!!!
Grow up Radhika.

Well, I can certainly understand that you don't feel love for your husband, even though you respect and appreciate and like him. We can't feel love just because someone thinks we should.

Two things:

1. I wish you hadn't gone along with the arranged marriage, but you did. Don't know if you had a choice in the matter, but if you didn't feel love for him, you shouldn't have married him.

2. I wish you hadn't had the affair with the other man. Really, it's always best to clean up one mess before moving onto another one.

I don't think you can return to your husband. You know what's ahead of you. More years of crying inside because there's no love for him. I agree with the advice that you should stand on your own two feet for a while, get to know what it's like to support yourself and live on your own.

If your family has disowned you, there's no need to worry about them, is there? I would, however, look at repaying your husband for his support. This may not be the time to approach that, but perhaps after some time has passed and you've gotten a job.

You don't say where you intend to live.

Ohh...!! It happens with many people. I suggest you to go with your husband. You don't know the other guy like you know your husband. He has sacrificed many things and trusted you like blind. Have you ever tested tour boyfriend's worth?? Your husband is the perfect guy for you and give time, you will definitely start loving him.... I wish all would go well...

hi i am 22 years i had some problem with my EX boyfriend and he was troubling me lot i suffered for 2 years but he is troubling me for money hitting me every where i was waiting that he may change he will know my love care, but he dint realize later i decided to him so i asked to break up but he was not he was only need of money so my friend- friend come to solve my problem after due to some reason he left and he got a new girl friend later i decided not to get married and be alone for life time and I was alone for 6months and I was talking to person who solved my problem later he proposed me I took time and told ok to that person and he was in good relationship for 2.6 years but my present boyfriend had lot of problem I use to solve his problem and I have solved lot many problem of my ex boyfriend also all I expected is a good caring love my feelings understanding person so if had lot of problem I use to help and some time every week he is to fight with me for small reason I was ok because I knew he has lot of problem so he may shout but some time I use to think lot why do this to me I care them help do what ever they want I use to cry and be normal it happed for 2.6years later I dint have money to help I took the money from my friend and gave after 6months she stated troubling me for money so I use to ask him but still now I have not asked what I have spend and gave but all of sudden he is shouting on me scolding in bad words but I couldn’t control I decided to die I tried for suicide my self but they solved me and told I will not shout and scold once again but next day it became more and still now its happening and stated doubting me talking bad but waiting that he will change but I quite my job and joined to different company but there one person stated caring so nice he understand my problem so I was good friend to him but now he is well settle and he loves me more like any thing now I don’t know what to do and whom to choose but I know its not good I can be alone but my friend is not leaving me he is changing my mind please tell me what to do and all my family knows that I love my guy please help me before I get mad!!!

This is one of the most illogical things I've ever read.

Let me get this straight:

1. You had the short end of the stick in being born into a culture where marriages are arranged. You could have ended up with a cretin or ANYONE who might have been HORRIBLE.

2. You were lucky and ended up with a man who sounds like he is really a special person.

3. He took care of you, supported you, paid for your education, and all of that.

4. This other guy comes in and gets into your pants. You begin an affair with him for a year.

5. You now decide that you care about your husbands feelings (after you've already crushed him with betrayal)????

6. You consider going with the man who got into your pants (but as far as I can tell from what you've told me, has done nothing for your life at all other than fulfill your lustful needs)

My advice: Get away from your husband asap. He deserves so much better than you.

I guess when an individual is in serious need for advice because they happen to be going through stressful times, they should expect harsh words. from others.

Radhika,
please tell me what you finally did, what you chose. I understand your situation and what you feel very well as I found myself in a very similar one. I am extremely confused about what to do now. I believe that knowing what you did eventually and your situation evolved would help me a lot. Please update your story.
Anna

The affair was wrong and dishonored both your husband and yourself, but we are human and so what remains is attempting to correct the problems that are not totally your fault. The fact that you have moved out from your husbands house, I would expect that you also break contact with your lover, explaining to him that it is temporary and the honorable thing to do in order to properly end the relationship with your husband. The fact is, you left one for the other and that is the part that hurts. The other honorable thing to do is to pay your husband all the money he paid for your education because without him or his support you would never have achieved this. You didn't just have an affair, you fell in love and this is devastating to your husband. BTW, your lover may well become your husband one day, and then you will really know if he remains the love of your life or not, most cases seem to indicate that your life with your lover will in fact fizzle out sooner or later.