Should I tell my significant other??

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I need advice. I'm 22 years old and I've been dating a wonderful man. Though soon enough I know it'll be more than that. I didn't mean to but accidentally found the ring and his attitude also is a dead give away. Anyhow, there was a guy I went to college with. We clicked and became best friends. Unfortunately feelings arised and a few months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. During this break my friend, I'll call him Tom, and I hung out a lot. We did inappropriate things though I wouldn't call it "hooking up"...my boyfriend was distraught. And I felt terrible for hurting him. I told him the truth about it all and that I certainly did have feelings for Tom but nothing near that of my feelings for my boyfriend, (which is true). Well things have been perfect his family and mine have been bringing up weird questions about marriage and our future. I am so happy and so excited. Tom hasn't even crossed my mind at this point until, I hear Tom is now engaged and soon to be married. I also hear Tom joined the military and will be leaving soon. (Guess that's why there's a rush on the wedding)? So I've promised by boyfriend there would be NO contact with Tom ever again. Well I texted Tom to ask about his new engagement and toms fiancé answered with a text basically telling me to shove off (understandable)...well I forgot about it and Tom texted me yesterday. Tom told it was true he was getting married and it somewhat bothered me. So Tom asked me to come over and talk for "closure". Well at first I thought, "heck no"!! Until I realized I had deep suppressed feelings for Tom even though I'm scared to admit it. So Tom and i hung out, talked, and kissed. Sad

is Tom the man of my dreams?? No! And I realize that, but I feel terribly guilty. If my boyfriend found out he'd never speak to me again....should I just tell him the truth. As far as he knew all feelings for Tom were gone, but they were far from gone. But if I had to choose I'd NEVER be without my boyfriend. Tom also still had. Strong feelings for me and begged me to change my mind and pretty much run away with him, but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. Now I just feel crappy.

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@babybird,

Lord I find myself feeling sorry for all four of you and also I am feeling happy that this kind of silliness is four or so decades in my past and that I am in a stable long term marriage.

At least as far as your "friend" and you are concern neither one of you are prepare to enter into any long term relationships including marriages and the chance of any marriage to anyone that you enter into within the next five to ten lasting is near zero.

You are being run by your hormones.

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@BillRM- thank you very much. Your advice was fairly encouraging. And just for the record if YOU with your negative attitude could make a relationship last, then I certainly have no doubt I can too! Smile

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@babybird,

He doesn't have a negative attitude, babybird - he's speaking from experience and being realistic.

What the hell were you thinking of by taking that chance when you texted, then met and kissed Tom after you promised your boyfriend you wouldn't contact him again? Is your word no good? Who would ever believe you with this type of behaviour?

I think you need to grow up but I think that's going to take time.

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@Mame,

MAME- I suppose you're right. Obviously my word meant nothing! :/ I do feel dumb and afraid of my descisions. It makes me question everything I've ever said and believe!!! I do love him, though maybe I'm not ready. And that's a scary thought for me. As far as not being able to make a marriage last if I get married 5 or 10 years from, nowthat I disagree with. Shouldn't you experienced people help us youngins out?

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@babybird,

The idea of Marriage seems to be a ring on the finger, belonging to someone but I can't see the totality of LOVE.. In this particular situation.

Why would Tom get engaged to be married. Just because, he's going away to the Military or because he does love this woman and wants a woman waiting for him but he's still a player. If he wasn't he wouldn't have kissed you.

You state your feelings are not as strong for him than that of your boyfriend are you sure that your feelings are just strong full stop for LOVE?

I don't think you love either rather, your families get along, your boyfriend forgave you and you've accidentally seen a ring.

It's the promise you love.

Don't jump into marriage. You haven't found yourself as far as I can see as to what you want out of life, therefore also, who...

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@babybird,

And ... how should/can we help you out?

Far as I can tell - distilled version of the original post.
1) You have a serious bf who is about ready to pop the question. His family's happy, you love him, it all feels great.
however
2) During time apart (a break, a separation, dunno what it should be called), you date Tom. This involves affection, I have no idea how much from what I'm reading, e. g. whether it's a few kisses or sex or something in between.
3) After reconciliation, you tell your bf (who is upset about the whole Tom thing) that you'll never contact Tom again.
4) However, you learn through the grapevine that Tom is being deployed, Tom is getting married, etc. Hence you contact Tom, in a complete 180 from #3.
5) Tom comes over. There is kissing involved.

Now what?

Well, let's reverse the names and the genders. You have someone you love and you want to spend the rest of your life with them. They have some time with someone else but it seems, at least under a technicality, to not be cheating. You ask for them to sever all contact with that other person and they agree. But for whatever reason, they cannot leave well enough alone and they betray you by breaking their promise and contacting that person and then they further compound said betrayal by kissing said other person.

You have -
1) lied about severing contact
2) maintained contact info at least in your phone, thereby providing a means of making contact. Anyone serious about severing contact would have deleted phone numbers. You did not. This is a deliberate act; you never meant to sever contact, now, didja?
3) you then made contact
4) and escalated it to in-person contact
5) and then escalated it again to kissing contact

Do you tell your boyfriend?

Yep.

Why?

So he has the information necessary to determine whether he wants to stay with you, or strike out on his own. If he were the one doing the asking, after having been told by you, I would tell him to leave you, as you have proven yourself untrustworthy on several occasions. Sorry, but that's life in the big city. This is a lesson you need to learn.

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@jespah,

You are right. I will tell him...thank you

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@FOUND SOUL,

Thank you...you're also right. I do love him, but I suppose if there are feelings like this I shouldn't rush. I know I am young...and the more I think about this the dumber I feel

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@babybird,

I think you are confused on what love actually means.

Love isn't infatuation, love is a process that continues from the caring of each other.

You in particular are too young to marry and I don't mean that as an insult - many if not most 22 year olds are. What do you think marriage is? serial dating over a lifetime? You want to live with this guy for fifty years?
You hardly know who you are yet.

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@babybird,

Yes - it seems more that you love the idea of marriage, rather than love the man you are to marry - in a way that's suitable to marriage.

I'm with BillRM on this - I doubt any marriage you enter into will last 10 years.

If you need a list of reasons from your own post :

wait a moment...I see Jespah has done much the same just now.

I'll add that you are in denial about your own feelings, or at the very least, refuse to even acknowledge them :

Quote:

Unfortunately feelings arised and a few months ago my boyfriend and I broke up. During this break my friend, I'll call him Tom, and I hung out a lot. We did inappropriate things though I wouldn't call it "hooking up"

So you break up with your boyfriend (apparently through no fault of your boyfriends) so you could have sex with your ex best friend, and then you go back to your boyfriend and 'feel terrible about it'? But you couldn't see the feelings developing in the first place, right? It was impossible to stop them, or to get away from him, yes? Then when you realise it wasn't all that you wanted, you went back to your boyfriend?

Quote:

Tom hasn't even crossed my mind at this point until, I hear Tom is now engaged and soon to be married.... So I've promised by boyfriend there would be NO contact with Tom ever again. Well I texted Tom to ask about his new engagement

You sound like you couldn't help yourself? You still have feelings for him, even though you haven't thought of him, and you thought this would lead where?

Quote:

So Tom asked me to come over and talk for "closure". Well at first I thought, "heck no"!! Until I realized I had deep suppressed feelings for Tom even though I'm scared to admit it. So Tom and i hung out, talked, and kissed. is Tom the man of my dreams?? No! And I realize that, but I feel terribly guilty.

So you had deep feelings for him, and knowing he wasn't what you wanted long term, you went over...and to no ones, surprise, even your own, you had sex with him. I'll hazard a guess that you absolutely knew what was going to happen, but chose 'to not think about it' so that you could just feel guilty that 'it just happened', rather than have the knowledge that you did this on purpose.

Bill stating that you are being ruled by your hormones is quite correct. At the moment you are quite untrustworthy in a relationship. You actually sound like an open and honest person otherwise - which is a good thing, and I've no doubt that you have many other fine qualities...just try being honest with yourself too - about all things.

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@babybird,

Look the human brain with special note of the area that control impulses and take into account long range consequences of actions, the pre-frontal cortex, is not fully developed until around the age of 25 in humans.

However the hormone system is up and running at full speed far sooner in humans.

Your and your male friend actions that you had written about both indicate that both of your impulse controls at this point is not up to the task of controlling your hormones and if there is one thing that we all need to make a long term relationships work it is impulse controls and the maturity that come from more years of being adults,

I am not looking down on you as I too was once young and had the lack of judgments that come from being young.

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@vikorr,

Thanks...no sex though. Not at all. The only person I've ever had sex with was my boyfriend. It was a kiss. Either way though, I did it and I knew better and I guess I did choose to ignore it. You're right

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@BillRM,

Thank you. I understand what you're saying.

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@babybird,

Ah, silly me regarding the sex then.

You do understand that hormones can be overcome if we actively don't put ourselves in situations where they can lead to other things - like texting people we have feelings for?

That's the maturity and commitment part. Commitment isn't about 'not having sex with other people' - it's about knowing yourself, and not putting yourself in a position where it's likely you'll have sex with other people...or even just kiss them (which would eventually lead to the 'I didn't even see it coming' claim)

A marriage can survive hormones - it can't survive hormones and poor judgement. Poor judgement arises (of the nature we are talking about) arises when you are dishonest with yourself (regarding your feelings, strengths, weaknesses, and pleasures) and put yourself in situations that can lead to you cheating.

Commitment does call does call for self discipline.

Perhaps it can work if you manage this.

Good luck.

edit: I'd still want to work out why you left your boyfriend for the ex best friend for a short period of time...and why you texted him back. Those are important things to consider regarding whether or not your boyfriend is really suited to you, regarding marriage.

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@vikorr,

Yes I understand. Thanks vikorr. I've participated in something I cant take back. I agree it was stupid, but now I'm about to hurt someone I care about. I can't help that I have feelings for more than one person. I don't know what to do about that ;/ but I definitely agree I shouldn't be married anytime soon.

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@babybird,

Fair enough.

Just remember that while we can't exactly help the feelings we have about someone, we can help what we do about them. And we can tell when we are developing feelings for someone, and choose what we are going to do about such (especially regarding continuing to keep contact with them, where feelings are likely to further develop).

Best Wishes.

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@babybird,

Also to your "edit"...my boyfriend and i broke up for that period because I think we were both in the process of talking about commitment and were both afraid...so we agreed to take time apart because I admit it was scary. During that time Tom and his relationship was also over and we would go out and talk often. I'm not sure what my boyfriend did on this time apart, I didn't ask. I can't say it was agreed upon to see other people though. So on that note it was my fault. And I texted Tom the second time because I know Tom doesn't care for her the way neither one of them deserve to be cared for in my opinion. I also was somewhat upset about it, (which I didn't think I cared anymore) so that also scared me! It shouldn't have bothered me one bit. But it DID. So I thought this last "closure" would do good. Haha...repeating it back to myself I can see where I need to grow up. Why couldn't I just see that yesterday! :/

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@babybird,

you know...it must be me but I can't follow this.

Perhaps because it is complicated...or maybe...really quite simple. You can't commit to anyone and neither can your partners.

True love takes time ... and maturity. However, lust happens pretty regularly.

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@babybird,

babybird, don't beat yourself up.

Firstly, your avatar name says it all. You are a baby, experiencing life. You meet some one, and he seems great, and marriage comes into the talk. You get scared so does he and you both part ways, but, typically no man wants his woman to move on, or experience something different, with someone else or the same with someone else.

But, whilst "broken up" you belong to yourself, not whom you were with.. You do not owe anything at that point, the whole point is to work out if you want to be with that person and miss him/her incredibly and know in your heart he/she is it, or not.

I would say that you felt not. If you were confident he was the one, you would never have gone "yay, I'm free, Tom? ".. A lot of girls go backwards before going forwards, it's called only this. Familiarity. What you were used to, with in my opinion some form of excitement that he gave you that your boyfriend doesn't/hasn't. Is it chemistry? Maybe. Maybe your boyfriend is a good guy, nice guy but there are things missing.

Communication is always the key to a good relationship. Being able to talk about what bothers you or needs not met (both of you) is highly important without it there is a breakdown.

You can not change your emotions, thoughts. If you were totally in love and ready and he was the one you wouldn't be searching for that missing link and that is what you are doing, it's not Tom in my opinion rather what you are not fulfilling in this relationship.

Work out what it is, talk about it, work with it. If that doesn't work then honestly he is not the right one for you..

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Should I tell my significant other??

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