Advice please - dating a widower

My heart goes out to you.

He needs grief counseling. Unfortunately, at least for now, you need to stop seeing him for awhile. He needs to sort out his feelings and face the fact that he's in a relationship in name only - his heart is not into it. In a little while, if not already, you will start to resent this. It's only natural for that to happen.

You deserve equal happiness but with a partner that can be there for you.
Being selfless and admiring how devoted he is to her memory frankly is not really about how big his heart is. It's about how unavailable he really is...right now...to YOU! You might want to think about self-preservation just a bit.

In the past, I've been in a similar situation with a widow. FWIW, the widow I dated was in her group for a year before I met her. Despite this effort on her part, it was too difficult for us to be a couple. I admired her for trying and for her courage in attending group counseling.

He has a responsibility to seek out and attend grief counseling (probably group) and commit to some extended therapy.

Good luck. Keep the shiny side up.

You are 20 years younger than he is - from a entirely different world. He can hardly relate.

And he is still grieving for his wife, since he clearly has not gone on with his present life in 7 years. WAY too long for the kind of behavior that you describe.

Sorry, there are two strikes against you. Please consider moving on.

I think 2 months is a very short period of time for anyone to use the L word.

It is also a short period of time to really get to know someone 'inside' and start to fall in love.

He needs counselling I think to understand that you can love and move on as well, there is an obsession there that has created huge baggage, we all think we can change the world, change someone but we can't.

Your heart is going to hurt deeper the longer you stay with him.. Instead of pouring your love to a wounded bird, protect your heart and see if you can assist him in moving on into the now, instead of living in the past and if you can't then in my opinion, you have to consider your life as well.

Plenty of wounded birds out there male and female, the difference is if they want to allow someone to enter into their lives, their hearts and move on.

There certainly have been many a love story of current and past, whereby we hear "if it wasn't for him/her"... and a happy new marriage.

But, it takes a certain amount of patience, strength, honest bond, openness and reality as well to know that, that is a road you can venture down... you have to keep your smarts about you and see all of the signs and make a management decision in the next few weeks. In my opinion.

Ragman's advice is spot on. Take it seriously.

Ragman's advice is spot on. Take it seriously. He needs grief therapy. And perhaps you need some too. Why have you chosen someone so much older than you and why do you use the name, "Ugly". Do you feel worthy of love from someone who needs and appreciates you?

Ragman thank you for your advice. I don't know if he had grief counseling but I shall ask. I think probably he didn't get the help needed for dealing with the grief and you are right he needed/needs it.

I don't agree that I should stop seeing him. This would cause him pain as he says he loves being with me and having my company. I love him with all my heart and although there are currently 3 people in our relationship I think perhaps I can help him to get to the two of us.

Hi Punkey, If I can relate to him then I think he should be capable of relating to me? I agree he is still grieving and not gone on but stood still in time but why 2 strikes against me - do you not think it possible that I could be what can help him to move on?

Found Soul thank you for your response. 2 months is a short time but I felt love for him very quickly. The strength of my love in that I would do anything for him and yes I would die for him.

We are still learning about each other and will continue to do so but I still know that I will continue to love him during the discovery. I think you are right that his love for her became an obsession after losing her and this is why there are so many momentos everywhere and referrals to her. I want to help him and I think I can so patience is not a problem. Hopefully there will come a time when he will think past his grief/obsession and think how all these things are hurting me. I just wondered whether I should be pointing it out to him or whether I should stay quiet as I have done to date. i.e should I ask him if he still needs the photo's of his wife on the bedside cabinet and whether he feels he can put them away??

I just need advice to try and help me understand and deal with the feelings. I didn't choose an older man we discovered each other it was not planned. Ugly - well the first name I put in it said already existed and I can't remember what that was but at the time I was feeling hurt and down on myself. Do I feel worthy of love... yes.

Ugly, I wish you could change your user name. It reflects what someone else asked you that you didn't reply... to... It bothers me that you use that and that you stated you would die for him.

I am about to get married, I would do anything to help my Fiance' . My Mother, Brother, Father, would give their Kidney to me if I needed it, visa versa. But, all is built on time. That undying love you talk of? Is from knowing in your heart and soul who you are bonded with and in the knowledge that it is so special, real.

I feel in my heart that you personally want love so bad that a wounded bird is what you need, (feel you need) that love we've all been there, that person who cries over his / her hurt and pain and we so want to ease it, so want to help them that our heart is overwhelmed. But, in that we are blinded and often it's words. And one day we find out that we were never loved in the way that we loved .. Be prepared to be hurt. And, please beautiful, see that you can do this but with reservations and with smarts or else, your pain may be simular to his.

I know you won't listen but when the times comes, I hope you remember and will be ok.

Now, yes, as I said, does not mean that you can not reach his heart which I call soul... one day.

Do you say anything? No, it's been 8 weeks not 8 months. Let your love grow if it can and be there. In my opinion, he will either see it slowly and fall for you (as it takes a lot longer with a man than a woman) first he is in lust, then he questions, then he remembers his ex, then he finally sees you and then it happens.

If you find after 6 or so he is still in the same place? Then at least he has worked feelings for you and then you have a chance of it working, now you have a chance of him walking.